Parenting

Becky · 06-05-2017, 04:50 PM

Hi there,

When I was last here, a lot of my CGR friend's were getting married and having babies. So... I'm hoping some of them, and maybe others will be around now to answer my questions.

My sister and her kids moved in with me about a year ago. Their ages are 8, 6 and 3. The two older ones, David and Leah, are both mostly non-verbal, autistic. Until a couple weeks ago, the younger two were both completely un-potty trained. Now, the youngest is in underwear except at night, and Leah is starting to at least keep underwear dry for long periods of time (even if she mostly still pees on the floor).

Leah wakes up most nights screaming, and I'm the one who wakes up to handle that. So I'm on very broken sleep most of the time.

My sister is... well, let's just say she does more to make things harder for me then easier. If you're a friend you can ask me privately for details on that, but I'm not ready to say anything openly at this point

Basically, after being an Auntie mom for about a year, I have run out of patience, energy, and often times hope. My depression and anxiety is through the roof, and my responses to the kids can be perfect parent one day (or at the beginning of the day), and by the end of it I'm screaming at them. Did I mention they are AUTISTIC? So... yea, using words to tell them I'm not happy is not really helpful... But time outs aren't either. So, I don't know. The older two just don't care about time outs. The oldest is thinking "I got to do what I wanted, now I get to sit down and say words before getting up again.

." Then Leah is like "quiet alone time!

" . The 3 year old is the only one who understands what time out means "

"

So I need ideas. How do you stay sane as a parent? What are other ways to help kids understand they can't do things? And again - how do you do this parenting thing?!?

I know some of the "right ways" to be, but how do you DO it. How do you not lose your temper?

help!

***Leboman*** · 06-05-2017, 05:10 PM

I could share some of the things that have worked for me but honestly, I didn't raise children who are non-verbal autistic. That is an entirely different set of challenges that I have absolutely no experience with.

Oh yeah, you DON'T stay sane. You embrace the insanity of it all.

Becky · 06-05-2017, 05:15 PM

lol, well, at least I know my loss of insanity is normal!!

and hi

!

Becky · 06-05-2017, 05:27 PM

And yes, parenting suggestions would still be helpful. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what NORMAL is suppose to be, so I don't know how to adapt anything to fit with my kids. Not to mention that two of them are boys, and man, what do I know about boys? Only what I'm learning from experience... like don't leave books on the bathroom floor, don't let him take a bath before going potty, and always be ready with Clorox. - I use a lot of Clorox.

The worst thing though, is when I try to talk about everything going on, I have people tell me I need to just walk away. They aren't my kids, so why am I subjecting myself to all this. And It sucks, because they ARE my kids. Yea, I never got legal custody, my sister is still there, it's technically still her responsibility... but they're MY kids now. When they moved in, I made a commitment that I was going to raise them, and I was going to make sure they were safe and grew up to be as good as they possibly can be. So they're my kids. I will never, NEVER let them go. They need me, and I love them. So... I can't fix my sister, I can't fix my surroundings, all I can do is figure out how to be a stronger me.

***Leboman*** · 06-05-2017, 05:51 PM

Pray a lot. I'm not even joking. Try to stop and catch your breath before responding to "bad" behavior. Ignore those folks who are telling you those lies. Love them.

Becky · 06-05-2017, 06:40 PM

First off- there is an app!?! Fantabulous!

Secondly, thank you for the encouragement

Prayer- that really helps? I know, i know, i'm a christian, i believe in prayer. But you are seriously saying that, in a practical sense, it helps? Its been months since i prayed more then just in my car on the way to work screaming at my steering wheel.

**MtlMom** · 06-05-2017, 08:21 PM

I don't have any advice for you, but it's good to see you here, Becky!

Becky · 06-05-2017, 08:49 PM

Thanks!! I'm glad to see you too! i wasn't sure who all would still be around.

***Leboman*** · 06-06-2017, 05:47 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Becky

First off- there is an app!?! Fantabulous!

Secondly, thank you for the encouragement

Prayer- that really helps? I know, i know, i'm a christian, i believe in prayer. But you are seriously saying that, in a practical sense, it helps? Its been months since i prayed more then just in my car on the way to work screaming at my steering wheel.

It definitely helps.

One thing I have learned as a father (and now a grandfather) is that children will mimic our behaviors. When we respond loudly and/or abrasively they are much more likely to follow suit. Likewise, calm behavior typically will get a calm reaction. There are always exceptions though.

Becky · 06-06-2017, 06:06 AM

I can def see that with the 3 year old!! If i shout, he shouts back. Usually- "I'm mad at you!!". It would be funny if i wasn't so frustrated. Calm is always better.

Leah and David do respond differently, because of the autism. It is harder to get through to them. Yelling isn't any better of a way though, its just noisier.

But i've run out of my reserves of patience, and God has so far not seen fit to restock.

***Leboman*** · 06-06-2017, 06:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Becky

I can def see that with the 3 year old!! If i shout, he shouts back. Usually- "I'm mad at you!!". It would be funny if i wasn't so frustrated. Calm is always better.

Leah and David do respond differently, because of the autism. It is harder to get through to them. Yelling isn't any better of a way though, its just noisier.

But i've run out of my reserves of patience, and God has so far not seen fit to restock.

Don't EVER pray for patience.

Becky · 06-06-2017, 06:58 AM

Lol! Right, never.

But seriously, what do i pray for?

***Leboman*** · 06-06-2017, 10:32 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Becky

Lol! Right, never.

But seriously, what do i pray for?

Wisdom. Peace.

Without prying too much, do you get any assistance from your sister or do you pretty much handle everything? I ask because it doesn't help if everyone isn't on the same page. If you do/say one thing and she does/says something different it will only confuse the kids.

Becky · 06-06-2017, 11:17 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Leboman

Wisdom. Peace.

Without prying too much, do you get any assistance from your sister or do you pretty much handle everything? I ask because it doesn't help if everyone isn't on the same page. If you do/say one thing and she does/says something different it will only confuse the kids.

So, she doesn't contradict me. She just, doesn't notice most of the time when they do things. Anything involved with discipline, learning, school, potty training, reading, etc. is all me and only me. When I'm at work and she's watching the kids, they basically just do whatever they want.

***Leboman*** · 06-08-2017, 12:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Becky

So, she doesn't contradict me. She just, doesn't notice most of the time when they do things. Anything involved with discipline, learning, school, potty training, reading, etc. is all me and only me. When I'm at work and she's watching the kids, they basically just do whatever they want.

Yeah, that doesn't help things at all.