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Unread 06-05-2017, 10:20 AM   #1
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Taking advantage of a good thing

There is a woman I met on a Christian dating site. She contacted me, seemed interested, we emailed a lot and spoke on the phone a few times in 2014. We eventually got together for dinner to meet for the first time, we had a great time, she said she loved having a new friend but didn't know if we had chemistry.

After that, we emailed sparsely while she started dating another guy and ended up moving into the same town as me. About 10 months later, we started emailing a little. She was breaking up with him and was hurt.

I started dating someone shortly after that, and she started seeing someone 11 hours away, but while this woman and I were casual friends, we started texting, and she asked me to meet her for breakfast--we talked about our mates. We became good, good friends while we were dating others.

Our chemistry was incredible, much better than that 2014 dinner when we were checking to see if we wanted to go out. While she said she was in love with him, she confided that he ogles other women when he is with her--she said he doesn't care--she said he wanted to bring other women into the bedroom. He was frequently not answering texts and got upset when she wanted him to text her once or twice a day.

But when we were together for dinner, or breakfast, or when we went to church together because I was the only male friend she had locally, and apparently trusted me to be kind, respectful, attentive, and wise with my advice, one thing I could not deny was our eye contact was intense, and we had so much fun. The second time we went out for breakfast I thought they were going to throw us out because we were giggling so much, not at the jokes necessarily, but our eye contact and facial expressions.

The whole time she was visiting this guy every two weeks. I broke up with my girlfriend--my friend asked me to go on a group camping trip. What I got from her was deep trust. I'd fall back from the group with her when nature called and walk her back to the group so she wouldn't get lost (not being overprotective--it was so easy to get lost there and they weren't going back for anyone). The group had an old cabin and when we arrived, the group went off to a camp fire and my friend made it a point to sleep next to me. She said she wanted to lay next to me. We were alone, face to face, about two feet apart, talking in our sleeping bags. We played around a little--I zipped her all the way into my bag and ended up switching bags. The next day she wanted to go back ahead of the group with me, so we did. Anyway, I knew she was with this guy but it felt like we were dating.

She eventually moved in with him, 11 hours away. He was a jerk--we kept in touch--I was always her Christian brother, and I tried to respectfully tell her that God didn't approve of sex outside of marriage and all that. She seems like a Christian--she's very in touch with scripture and strong in her church, but she doesn't honor the marriage bed apparently. Her father was a cheater and she said she had tried to get his attention her whole life. In fact, after reading a book on codependent/narcissist relationships, after we'd stopped talking by my request, I saw her. She picks guys who are narcissist. I confronted her on that and she openly admitted she was in a codependent relationship but said she liked it that way.

But anyway, the no contact thing--she and her boyfriend broke up and got back together three times in the first year and every time she'd let me know and we'd usually go out and do something. I found her very attractive when she was free and repentant, saying she knew her relationship was sinful and I would try to be there for her to help her get back on her feet, but then in a week or so, she'd be back with him. Finally I told her it was wearing on me. She was to be in town and we were going to go to the symphony and I just said no. I told her I was so upset I didn't want to see her that weekend. I sent her a tell-all email and just basically told her how amazing she is and how she keeps settling for guys who don't appreciate that. I told her I was so disappointed that she kept hurting herself. It was a little hurtful, but written in love and honesty, and she replied in a very understanding way. After that we hardly ever communicated, unfriended each other on facebook, etc... Probably ten emails and a phone call in the past 14 months, one of them telling me that she found he'd been cheating on her since she met him. I butt dialed her in December but afterward deleted all of her info from my phone to avoid that, she got engaged in January and I found out through a mutual friend, so I sent her a one line email of congratulations (she knows how I feel about him so I don't have to beat her over the head).

She sent me an email a few days ago and happened to mention she was in a new apartment where she lived in Florida. I read through it all--she wanted me to know she'd left him again. She broke off the engagement, moved out, but is still with him. They've been together for over two years and he just now agreed to go to counseling. She confesses being lonely, but they are still together.

I don't want to date someone who dishonors her body like that, but I am trying to figure how to approach this. The last time they broke up before we stopped talking (in 2016) she invited me down to see her. After she got back with him I just said I wasn't going to visit "them". I was tired of being a fifth wheel (I've been one with other women and last year started cutting off those women). I am being aloof--I plan to visit a lady friend in another location. I have other female friends. But I really, really like this person and it still surprises me how she just shows up now and then and makes the effort towards me when I don't do it towards her. My goal? My goal is that if she ever wises up and dumps this jerk and decides to find a legitimate Christian man who will treat her like the wonderful woman she is, she will see me as that guy. If she stays with him, I don't want her. I don't want to steal her from him, and I don't want to be the next guy she goes out with if she doesn't want to take purity seriously. And I want her to know that I'm not a pushover.

I always noticed our interactions, how our chemistry was so incredible that even when I didn't want to meet her for food, I always ended the meetings wondering how I could have gone so long without seeing her? She's absolutely delightful. She has told me many times that she misses the fun we had, the laughs, the together times. She has always been very, very sweet to me, even when I confront her. I think she's reachable to change her ways. How do I not pursue her but make myself look like a great catch if she's ever back on the market again and wants the real thing?

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Unread 06-05-2017, 03:13 PM   #2
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Is this the same woman you have talked about in the past?

HERE

HERE

and

HERE
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Unread 06-05-2017, 04:49 PM   #3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Leboman View Post
Is this the same woman you have talked about in the past?

HERE

HERE

and

HERE
After re-reading your post I am going to assume the answer is yes.

I don't know that I have an answer for you. Well, I don't know if I have one you would like. I can't see why you would even consider it.
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Unread 06-05-2017, 08:28 PM   #4
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I thought perhaps yes, but no, this is another one. No answer would be right or wrong. I just end up with these people who keep coming back in one way or another, and I'm tired, tired, tired of dealing with these people. It's hard to strike a balance between showing God's love, doing the practical thing, or just going with emotions. And I'm not really big into any of those three.

But I did cut Di loose and it hasn't gone well. She's very hurt and occasionally sends me messages or emails to which I blow her off. HQ and I haven't spoken or communicated in months. She was horrible. I've taken a terrible personal loss (not related to any of these women) and withdrawn to myself a lot. This email I received Saturday caught me by surprise. I'm taking a wait and see attitude. I won't play games, but if any of them are interested, maybe if they stopped getting engaged and/or married to other guys they would get more of my attention.
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Unread 06-06-2017, 05:49 AM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by opendoor View Post
I thought perhaps yes, but no, this is another one. No answer would be right or wrong. I just end up with these people who keep coming back in one way or another, and I'm tired, tired, tired of dealing with these people. It's hard to strike a balance between showing God's love, doing the practical thing, or just going with emotions. And I'm not really big into any of those three.

But I did cut Di loose and it hasn't gone well. She's very hurt and occasionally sends me messages or emails to which I blow her off. HQ and I haven't spoken or communicated in months. She was horrible. I've taken a terrible personal loss (not related to any of these women) and withdrawn to myself a lot. This email I received Saturday caught me by surprise. I'm taking a wait and see attitude. I won't play games, but if any of them are interested, maybe if they stopped getting engaged and/or married to other guys they would get more of my attention.
Tell her that.
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