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Unread 03-22-2017, 11:31 PM   #1
The Elephant in Your Room
 
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Friend in abusive relationship

A very dear friend of mine is stuck in an abusive relationship. Her boyfriend took her halfway across the country and won't let her leave. She's the nicest gal ever, just really easily taken advantage of. She's just stuck in a far away place with no money and no local connections. I've been talking with some friends and we're hoping to get her a ticket out of there by this weekend. Also working to get connected with some services so that she can get some help with getting back on her feet when she gets here. Pray for this woman. She's been through a lot. Pray that she'll find help when she arrives.

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Unread 03-23-2017, 06:02 AM   #2
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I will pray for her. This sounds like a text book case.

Ben, prepare yourself for the likelihood that she won't get on the bus. She will let her plans slip, and he'll promise to treat her better, and she'll stay. If you can find someone in the town that she's in who will help her to have the courage to get on the bus without saying goodbye to him, that would help a lot.

Dear Lord, please give her the courage to leave.
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Unread 03-23-2017, 08:40 AM   #3
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Grace and peace to her. May she have the courage to get out now.
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Unread 03-23-2017, 11:07 AM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MtlMom View Post
I will pray for her. This sounds like a text book case.

Ben, prepare yourself for the likelihood that she won't get on the bus. She will let her plans slip, and he'll promise to treat her better, and she'll stay. If you can find someone in the town that she's in who will help her to have the courage to get on the bus without saying goodbye to him, that would help a lot.

Dear Lord, please give her the courage to leave.
Very insightful.

That said, she needs to take ownership of the decision, and those who are in abusive relationships will take less ownership of it if someone does everything for her. You want her to take ownership, or else there will be no follow-through.

Likewise, it will be harder for her to resist him if she's put into positions defending him.

Practical points: agree with her on what she says is terrible, but don't add/embellish/exaggerate. Don't command her "You must get out of there!" "You have no choice, you need to leave!", etc. Because then she may feel the need to defend him. It will make it harder for her to leave, because while she will be ambivalent anyway she may feel like she hasn't been fair to him. (or that she needs to be favorable, because others are being unfair)
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Unread 03-23-2017, 07:15 PM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MtlMom View Post
I will pray for her. This sounds like a text book case.

Ben, prepare yourself for the likelihood that she won't get on the bus. She will let her plans slip, and he'll promise to treat her better, and she'll stay. If you can find someone in the town that she's in who will help her to have the courage to get on the bus without saying goodbye to him, that would help a lot.

Dear Lord, please give her the courage to leave.
That's what I'm afraid of. She has a history with this sort of thing, which I know can make it easier for her to stay.

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Originally Posted by athanatos View Post
Very insightful.

That said, she needs to take ownership of the decision, and those who are in abusive relationships will take less ownership of it if someone does everything for her. You want her to take ownership, or else there will be no follow-through.

Likewise, it will be harder for her to resist him if she's put into positions defending him.

Practical points: agree with her on what she says is terrible, but don't add/embellish/exaggerate. Don't command her "You must get out of there!" "You have no choice, you need to leave!", etc. Because then she may feel the need to defend him. It will make it harder for her to leave, because while she will be ambivalent anyway she may feel like she hasn't been fair to him. (or that she needs to be favorable, because others are being unfair)
Definitely. I'm trying to offer her options and help but mostly saying, "When you get here we can get you help. If you need to get home we can arrange it once you get here." But also saying, "Can you do this?" Trying to leave the ball in her court as much as possible with the idea that the help is here, and she's going to have to make the choice to leave if she's going to find that help.
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Quote:
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...wives are expensive upkeep...
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Unread 03-23-2017, 11:27 PM   #6
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Spot on. She's already changed her mind.
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I hope that all is well in heaven, 'cause it's all shot to hell down here.

Quote:
Originally Posted by BillSPrestonEsq View Post
...wives are expensive upkeep...
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