[bygeorge]

Hey all, I could really just use some advice/prayer/wisdom.

I want to follow Christ. I really do. I want to honor Him in my thoughts and actions and in my relationships with others (love God, love your neighbor as yourself, right?). But I mean, let's face it, I'm human and perfection is unattainable. Of course, I never want to use this as an excuse.

I struggle hardcore, I mean really hardcore, with online addiction. I think you can adequately assume what I'm talking about when I say that. I can't stay pure in my relationship with my girlfriend. We talked earlier today about setting up boundaries to make sure we didn't keep fooling around, and now we're looking at getting one of those morning after pills because she's feeling sick after some stuff we did after that talk. She said someone had told her it was abortion to do that, but we both agreed it's not (at least, because right now we want to justify avoiding pregnancy).

Where did I go so wrong? I'm supposed to be an example to others, yet I'm blatantly sinning and feel as though I am digging my own grave. It puts a wrench in my gut thinking about all the wrong that I am doing and seem to be doing nothing about.

Part of me, right now, wishes that I hadn't been born. I want to follow Christ, but I am running the other way.

I know how to turn this around. I just don't know if I have the strength.

Sorry, just really needed a vent.

[bygeorge]

I keep praying about this situation and it seems like God is saying, "Let it die. This is only going to keep holding you back from Me." But I don't want it to end in a way that she runs away from God. I'm scared and I'm trying to overcompensate for this fear by continuing to do things that obviously aren't working. We had sex again last night and it's just... I don't know. Like, "oh big whoop you had sex, okay whatever," yeah yeah, but I know that this is wrong for a Christ-follower. "Those who practice sexual immorality will not inherit the kingdom of heaven," "Expel the sexually immoral brother from your midst." By all means I should not be allowed in a church because I know better yet I keep doing these things. And I want to stop doing them. But it's like I'm addicted or something. Like, seriously, all she has to do is touch my face and self-control goes out the window.

I really need prayer / advice / wisdom. Mostly, I need courage to do what I know is right.

[Sean]

There's no easy solution.

When you run down a bad path for years, you find yourself in a place where there are only "bad" options.

Given the way you describe things, minor tweaks or adjustments aren't enough. You have to make big changes to your life and do something which are incredibly difficult.

* Heavily restrict access to the internet
* Breakup with your girlfriend
* Confess your struggles to a pastor that knows you
* Find peer accountability
* Join a recovery group

Anyone of these is a big hard step. This may seem radical, but I would call it holistic. You restrict access to the areas where you struggle then you provide yourself support in a peer, a pastor, and a group. Sin grows in secret. Leave no secrets in your life.

It will be hard!

But through humble surrender there is hope to re-gaiing control of your life.


QUESTIONS:

* Do you have a pastor that knowns you well?
* Do you have a friend you can confess to?
* Does your church offer any kind of recovery program? (mine doesn't but our parent church does)

[bygeorge]

Originally Posted by Sean

QUESTIONS:

* Do you have a pastor that knows you well?

I don't, no. Used to, but honestly haven't settled in a church these last few years and it's been a bit of an isolated journey.

* Do you have a friend you can confess to?

I do.

* Does your church offer any kind of recovery program? (mine doesn't but our parent church does)

Sort of tying into the first one, I don't really "have a church" at the moment. I've sort of floated around but the last month or so I've been staying home and sleeping.

I did sign up for Fortify a few months ago but never touched it. Logged into it a couple times but have yet to actually do anything with it. Funny, I thought paying for it would motivate me to use it, but it hasn't motivated anything.

As for restricting internet access, my work and such requires almost constant access, and even if I could restrict access, it's just as easy for mental fantasies to replace porn viewing anyway (at least, so I've noticed in the past).



Today I prayed and God reminded me once again that "This is what's been holding you back from Me. You've been doing the same thing over and over for years while you've watched your peers grow and mature in their faith. But it's not too late. Let this die." I prayed again for God to give me grace that it may end on a note that will point back to Him, but like every other time I pray that, I hear no answer.

I hate this. I hate myself and how stupid I've been.

[bygeorge]

Well, the relationship with the girlfriend is pretty well ended. I say pretty well, because we haven't solidified the breakup, but we did talk about it last night, not just from the sexual standpoint but also from all the other angles to people in a relationship should consider, and I told her I didn't see it working in the end. It's one of those cases where I pray and hear "this needs to end," where she prays and says she hears "this can work." One of us is wrong, both of us could be wrong, but we can't both be right. I told her I didn't see any way it could work out, but asked if we could "continue the conversation later because it's getting late and we're both tired."

I don't feel peace about this, but I don't want to continue with it.

I'd like to join a recover group, if I could find one. But there's also the financial cost of seeking professional help. I still haven't touched my Fortify account. And internet filtration / accountability is basically out of the question because it's so easy to work around in a moment of temptation. I need to work on the heart issue. It's just hard to purify a filthy heart with dirty hands.

Give me a clean heart, O God.