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Unread 04-01-2015, 09:19 PM   #1
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Suicidal

I haven't been around here much in the past years, but when I knew I needed prayer, this was the only place I knew to turn. As the title says, I'm suicidal. It's not new, but it's been getting worse. I have all the mental health care I could possibly want, so it's not a lack of resources that's causing my decline. It's just me. I'm suicidal. I'm becoming more and more hopeless and desperate by the day, and it was already so bad that I truly didn't think getting worse was even possible. I've tried everything. The only thing left is prayer.

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Unread 04-01-2015, 09:31 PM   #2
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I will pray.

Stress often increases erratic behavior patterns -- especially the ones we can suppress when we're in our A-game. Do you have any major stressors? New baby, invasive in-laws, housing changes/moving, unstable finances, limited church family involvement? If so, if you can address some of these, you will be better suited to manage your own thoughts.

Are you having ideation? Do you imagine how it would go down? Like, have you had a plan, or is there a clear picture of how you would do it?

Is there something glorious or romantic in the act of committing suicide? Clearly you want to avoid something central to your life, but what makes you want to resolve it this way?

Have you ever attempted before?

Do you find specific patterns in which you have ideation? like, do you experience these the most when you are home alone? up late at night thinking about it while the husband and child sleeping? Or is it while you're out and about, driving the car or in public transit?

Are you on medication? Have you found it helpful (in the sense that your ideation is reduced or your attempts have ceased)? If you have found it helpful, are you taking it regularly? ... Or do you think the medication you are taking for something else has suicidal thoughts as a side-effect?

Are you struggling with chronic pain, dead-end career, abusive relationship, or constant anxiety?


I will pray.
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Unread 04-01-2015, 09:42 PM   #3
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Additionally, if you ever just want someone to talk to... Just someone to be there and provide a distraction, you can add me up on Facebook or Skype, and message me anytime (link in signature). You can bet we're here for you. All of us.
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Unread 04-01-2015, 10:16 PM   #4
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I will pray for you. Last we heard from you, you were expecting a baby. Can you give us an update? It will help put things in perspective.
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Unread 04-01-2015, 10:26 PM   #5
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I'll be praying.
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Unread 04-02-2015, 05:12 AM   #6
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Unread 04-02-2015, 05:36 AM   #7
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I will pray for you. Last we heard from you, you were expecting a baby. Can you give us an update? It will help put things in perspective.
I think I remember that she had the baby and mother in law was living with them.
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Unread 04-02-2015, 05:37 AM   #8
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Praying for you.

As someone who was diagnosed with depression I can relate in some ways. Know that we care and are praying.
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Hello! Come visit my blog! http://taylormweaver.wordpress.com/

Yes... I am the official "Knight Who Will Write Something On Derrida".
Bask in the wonderful glory.

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Taylor, you just got drive-by theologied.
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Unread 04-02-2015, 08:09 AM   #9
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Praying for you. Depression can lead you down roads one normally wouldn't want to go down and suicidal thoughts is just one of them. You don't know me and I don't know you, so I won't humor the thoughts of some deep connection. Just hoping you can find the peace to not off yourself. I think you'd be missed by others here, and those in your life.
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Unread 04-02-2015, 08:14 AM   #10
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Unread 04-02-2015, 08:52 PM   #11
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Thanks for the prayers. I need them very much.


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Originally Posted by MtlMom View Post
I will pray for you. Last we heard from you, you were expecting a baby. Can you give us an update? It will help put things in perspective.
I don't remember what I said last. The baby is now a wonderful, cute, amazing little toddler. The in-laws left after three months here. I haven't been back to work since the baby was born (by choice).


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Originally Posted by athanatos View Post
I will pray.

Stress often increases erratic behavior patterns -- especially the ones we can suppress when we're in our A-game. Do you have any major stressors? New baby, invasive in-laws, housing changes/moving, unstable finances, limited church family involvement? If so, if you can address some of these, you will be better suited to manage your own thoughts.
Yes, thereís plenty of stress. Family, finances, no church, etc.


Quote:
Are you having ideation? Do you imagine how it would go down? Like, have you had a plan, or is there a clear picture of how you would do it?
Definitely. Iíve had a very clear plan for a while.


Quote:
Is there something glorious or romantic in the act of committing suicide? Clearly you want to avoid something central to your life, but what makes you want to resolve it this way?
It feels like the only thing I havenít tried. I feel hopeless. The pain is too much. Iíve tried everything. I donít see another solution.


Quote:
Have you ever attempted before?
No.


Quote:
Do you find specific patterns in which you have ideation? like, do you experience these the most when you are home alone? up late at night thinking about it while the husband and child sleeping? Or is it while you're out and about, driving the car or in public transit?
It could be any time. All the time. Every day.


Quote:
Are you on medication? Have you found it helpful (in the sense that your ideation is reduced or your attempts have ceased)? If you have found it helpful, are you taking it regularly? ... Or do you think the medication you are taking for something else has suicidal thoughts as a side-effect?
I was on antidepressants. I stopped taking them a while ago. The doctors were aware that I stopped. Iím on other medication for other issues, and I donít believe any of the side effects are suicidal ideation.


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Are you struggling with chronic pain, dead-end career, abusive relationship, or constant anxiety?
I do have chronic pain, some anxiety, relationship issues, and some health issues.
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Unread 04-03-2015, 12:25 PM   #12
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I'll be praying I don't know you but I've struggled with cutting, depression, self hate, and suicidal tendencies, and still do, and I know how it feels. I am praying for you. Never give up on yourself because Jesus gives up on you. You're too special and worth it. You can always depend on me and anyone else here to be here for you.
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Unread 04-06-2015, 11:29 AM   #13
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I'll be praying I don't know you but I've struggled with cutting, depression, self hate, and suicidal tendencies, and still do, and I know how it feels. I am praying for you. Never give up on yourself because Jesus gives up on you. You're too special and worth it. You can always depend on me and anyone else here to be here for you.
Thank you. Every moment of every day is a struggle. But I'm trying to live.
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Unread 04-06-2015, 12:18 PM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by OneWithTheMud View Post
Yes, there’s plenty of stress. Family, finances, no church, etc.
Is there any way you can resolve a couple of these (even if it means retreating from different responsibilities temporarily) for a while? It sounds like you are absolutely overwhelmed.

Quote:
Definitely. I’ve had a very clear plan for a while.
Then I cannot stress this enough that you need to have professional supervision immediately, if you want to beat this and make out alive. I know that doesn't exactly sound enticing or appealing, but you may need to convince yourself.

Quote:
It feels like the only thing I haven’t tried. I feel hopeless. The pain is too much. I’ve tried everything. I don’t see another solution.
I am sorry.

This is so sad. ... Given you have not attempted before, have you struggled with self-harm? (cutting, hitting yourself, burning, etc.)

Quote:
RE: Have you attempted before?:

No.
Why do you think that is?

Quote:
It could be any time. All the time. Every day.
Intense. I don't know how it must feel that you could literally see yourself ending it with your family at home; you must feel absolutely boxed in and trapped even in your most private sanctuary. It must feel like you are never safe either from others or yourself. Do you have nowhere to run, if even for a day?

Quote:
I was on antidepressants. I stopped taking them a while ago. The doctors were aware that I stopped. I’m on other medication for other issues, and I don’t believe any of the side effects are suicidal ideation.
Please, take the anti-depressants. My wife and I know deeply the frustration and pain of being dependent on pills to keep yourself feeling "normal" for a time, only to have pills not quite solve the issue. My wife felt it gnaw at her for years. Even so, anti-depressants were prescribed to you because right now your body is working against you; the pills are trying to correct the situation. Please take them.

Quote:
I do have chronic pain, some anxiety, relationship issues, and some health issues.
Sounds like a perfect storm.

Just some advice: can you get distance in the relationship for a time? Communication is necessary, but if you're in a situation where someone close to you is breaking trust or oppressing you in any way, you need to bring some accountability to the situation. I realize it is hard, especially if the community (family, or otherwise) would seek to shame you for seeking help in such private matters, but if you are being oppressed you must speak up as a victim to someone who can advocate for you -- whether a counselor, legal consultant, or pastor. Please, do not let shame or manipulation prevent you from getting out from under oppressive relationships.

Meanwhile, God hears your cry, and he will bring justice. He knows your name and has not forgotten you.
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Unread 04-07-2015, 12:47 PM   #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by athanatos View Post
Is there any way you can resolve a couple of these (even if it means retreating from different responsibilities temporarily) for a while? It sounds like you are absolutely overwhelmed.

Then I cannot stress this enough that you need to have professional supervision immediately, if you want to beat this and make out alive. I know that doesn't exactly sound enticing or appealing, but you may need to convince yourself.

I am sorry.

This is so sad. ... Given you have not attempted before, have you struggled with self-harm? (cutting, hitting yourself, burning, etc.)

Why do you think that is?

Intense. I don't know how it must feel that you could literally see yourself ending it with your family at home; you must feel absolutely boxed in and trapped even in your most private sanctuary. It must feel like you are never safe either from others or yourself. Do you have nowhere to run, if even for a day?

Please, take the anti-depressants. My wife and I know deeply the frustration and pain of being dependent on pills to keep yourself feeling "normal" for a time, only to have pills not quite solve the issue. My wife felt it gnaw at her for years. Even so, anti-depressants were prescribed to you because right now your body is working against you; the pills are trying to correct the situation. Please take them.

Sounds like a perfect storm.

Just some advice: can you get distance in the relationship for a time? Communication is necessary, but if you're in a situation where someone close to you is breaking trust or oppressing you in any way, you need to bring some accountability to the situation. I realize it is hard, especially if the community (family, or otherwise) would seek to shame you for seeking help in such private matters, but if you are being oppressed you must speak up as a victim to someone who can advocate for you -- whether a counselor, legal consultant, or pastor. Please, do not let shame or manipulation prevent you from getting out from under oppressive relationships.

Meanwhile, God hears your cry, and he will bring justice. He knows your name and has not forgotten you.
Iím trying to reconcile some of the spiritual portion of my troubles. Iím trying to go back to church, but Iím afraid that I wonít be accepted back.

I have plenty of professional supervision. But Iím not convinced that I should go beyond that and let them check me into the hospital. I feel like the heart of my current struggle is spiritual. So what good would it do to be locked up in a place where all they want to do is medicate me? I donít want medication. Iím not convinced itís worth anything, and I thought that even before I read an article about the usefulness of SSRIs and that scientists might actually have the physiological cause of depression backwards (too much serotonin instead of too little).

Yes, I struggle constantly with self-harm. But for the past 10 days, Iíve managed to avoid doing it.

Why havenít I already attempted suicide? In the more distant past, because I loved my husband and didnít want to hurt him. Now, because I love my daughter and canít bear the thought of being without her, and I know she loves me. This is usually sufficient, but in the past weeks, Iíve been finding ways around it. Maybe sheíd be better off without me. Iím not a good mom. Iím only causing her stress. Etc.

I wouldnít kill myself in front of my family. I have a very specific plan. But what you said is true. I feel trapped, and I have nowhere to go.

Thank you for the prayers, advice, and encouragement, athanatos and everyone. Itís been helpful. Iím still a mess, Iím still struggling, but itís a little better than it was. I see the potential for healing. Thank you.
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