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Unread 07-26-2014, 03:20 AM   #1
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words cannot explain how much i hate myself

This is the last thread i will make in a while, i promise.

To be honest, i hate myself. Whenever i look at other people, even sex offenders, violent criminals and the like, i automatically tell myself that i am infinitely worse than them.

Everytime i am happy, i try telling myself i don't deserve to be happy.

I am on medication for mental health issues. As a form of punishment, i have decided to abruptly stop the meds, knowing that i will probably go through withdrawal. Then i will probably binge on my meds after not taking them for a long time. The process will repeat.

We had a small retreat for the praise team. The whole time we were praying, i thought about suicide. I am either going to kill myself, or be killing myself with my meds.

I apologize for such heavy subject matter. I am at a loss for what to do, basically. If my family ever finds out that i am abusing drugs as a form of punishment, and that i hate myself as much as i do, they will be devastated. They have helped me through tough times before, and on the outside, i appear to be at my happiest. I don't know if i should start loving myself for my family's sake, or if i should continue with this thought process.

Just so you're all clear, i am afraid that i am a pedophile, and that i will do horrific things to people. I also just hate myself because i am me. I have had several people at school hate me for being me, and i thought "they are not to blame."

Any guidance would be appreciated.

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Unread 07-26-2014, 03:34 AM   #2
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Have you got someone trustworthy to talk/pray with? ... pastor or a leader.. because you need to talk to someone.

2, your meds are important dude. Stay on them.

3 you are loved bro and valued. The God who loves me loves you too. Hold onto that.
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Unread 07-26-2014, 12:17 PM   #3
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Dogfood, I have a therapist and a psychiatrist. My therapist has implied that it's good that I hate myself so much, because it shows that I have a conscience.

And to be honest, I feel like I lost touch with God about 6 months ago. My dad and I got into a fight, and he called me a monster, said I'm not his son, blah blah blah. I think that's what started it. But I continued to play in my praise team, and nowadays I'm wishing that I could have some faith again.

Once again, I apologize; I posted some innocent threads about gear and playing, and then I hit you all with this.
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Unread 07-26-2014, 01:59 PM   #4
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so the disclaimer we must give is that you need to talk with licensed medical care providers when it comes to treatment. we have some excellent members in the healthcare field, but medical/mental health advice cannot be given on a public forum.

what i am going to say to you is from my own experience having a sibling with mental health problems.

take your meds. please.

self-hatred is serious stuff, and can be hard to break away from. going off your meds is not going to help. i urge you to consider why you are punishing yourself, and why your means of punishment is going off of your meds. if you feel the desire to inflict physical punishment on yourself, a. talk to your counselor, but b. think of a different way to accomplish that other than going off your meds. building houses with habitat for humanity can be physically demanding and can feel like punishment the next day, but it also serves others. planting trees and participating in creek clean ups (especially during summertime) can be unpleasant and very hard work, but it has a positive result.

my brother is bipolar, and he often fixates on himself. he has a driving need for perfection and validation of his perfection, and since that is humanly impossible to achieve, he spirals down into dark depression. he has been hospitalized numerous times for drug overdoses (similar to your habit of stopping cold turkey, then ODing), has been sent to county lock up for mental observation twice, and has a psychiatric case on file with the police. it's pretty ugly stuff. what he's realizing is when he focuses on other people instead of fixating on himself, he is more stable, consistent with his meds, not depressed and is productive. AND he is helping others, which in turn makes him feel more happy and positive. instead of a negative downward spiral, it becomes a positive upward spiral.

as a sister, i ask you to please take your meds. i hear that your dad said some hurtful things to you, and that really impacted you. we've had some screaming matches in my home, we've had some bones fractured from punching hard furniture in anger, and we've seen some really dark days in my family. sometimes things are said out of hurt, stress, fear, anger, despair...the list goes on.

i don't know your dad. i don't know if he meant what he said. i can't tell you he did or didn't. but, i do know God. God loves you at your best and He loves you at your worst. He loves you even if you don't love you.

the fact that you posted here is positive.

also, about telling your family...i really encourage you to consider having a family counseling session and telling them. a counselor can mediate so that you can say what you need to say in a constructive environment. your family can't help you if they don't know what's going on, but let me tell you...they probably can sense that something is up, especially if you have gone through med withdrawal before. sometimes families are just afraid to speak up.
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Unread 07-26-2014, 04:05 PM   #5
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I wasn't very clear, what I meant was that the fight between my dad and i started my loss of faith. I've had my struggles with suicidal thoughts and self hatred since I think 5th grade, and I started seeing a psychologist for therapy in grade 10.

You two have persuaded me to take my meds, so that's good news, I guess. (My meds are actually for OCD, I should've said that earlier.) But every time I'm denied an opportunity to hurt myself, I start searching for other ways to do so. I'm not satisfied until I find a solution that will maximize everyone else's happiness and minimize my own. Which is an important point: I do want other people to be happy, so I try to put on a brave face and just keep quiet about my troubles in front of the people I know. Talking to someone online is really the only release I have, aside from seeing my therapist and psychiatrist. But those two professionals are paid to care about how I feel; I think most people would find it much more satisfying when people who aren't paid to care for you, do care for you.

When I finally talk to someone online, however, and I feel relieved that I get to open up, I start attacking myself again, calling myself an attention seeker, an overdramatic drama queen, and so I compulsively look for ways to make myself unhappy again. It's pretty much a cycle.

My relationship between my dad and I is good again; there was just a mishap during Christmas break. So on the outside, I would say that we are a fairly close-knit, loving family. But I even get horrible thoughts about my family members. I won't go into the details because, frankly, I'm scared to even type them out, and I'm very ashamed.
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Unread 07-26-2014, 05:01 PM   #6
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Originally Posted by flyinghome View Post
Just so you're all clear, i am afraid that i am a pedophile, and that i will do horrific things to people. I also just hate myself because i am me. I have had several people at school hate me for being me, and i thought "they are not to blame."

Any guidance would be appreciated.
Ok, so I am not a licensed professional, obviously. But, I have read recently a few articles about OCD and some of the symptoms that aren't talked about often that go along with it. These include having these strange desires, well not even really desires, but this fear that you will end up doing something horrible, including performing acts of pedophilia and doing other harmful or violent things to people.

I say this so that you will know that you are NOT alone at all, and that you are not some freakish monster for being afraid that you will commit those acts.

Peace to you, my brother.
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Unread 07-26-2014, 06:22 PM   #7
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okay so i am not saying this is what is happening with you, but it might be something to consider. while i haven't had thoughts of violence towards my family, for years i struggled with anxiety over bad things happening to them, and had nightmares on a regular basis. (as in almost daily, often several times in a night.)

i also would get (and sometimes it still happens) this almost irresistible urge to drive my car into the concrete divider on the freeway while driving at high speeds. the rational part of my mind would say something like, that is bananas you are not going to do that! but another part of would just urge me to do it and see what would happen. i also struggled with overwhelming compulsive thoughts during college, to the point where i sometimes wanted to inflict some sort of physical pain like digging my fingers into my forehead just to take my focus elsewhere.

i started a two-book mentoring course with my spiritual advisor after i spoke with her about something else, and spiritual warfare in thought life came up as a main theme. the books are by neil anderson: victory over the darkness and the bondage breaker.

i take spiritual warfare pretty seriously so a lot of the concepts weren't new to me, but i hadn't considered them in light of my own life. when you belong to Christ, the enemy can whisper thoughts in your ear all day long (like, drive your car into that median wall and see what happens) but he can't make you do anything. he has no power over a child of God who has been ransomed by the blood of Christ.

that time of mentoring changed my life. i still have stress dreams, but i don't recall them - i only know because i can tell i've bem grinding my teeth. however, the nightmares are no more, and the nightmares i had were not only frequent, they were recurring. i can tell you at least 3 of them in detail because i had them so often.

as christians in the west, we often overlook or discount thought life as a place where the enemy seeks to gain a stronghold.

those thoughts that you are ashamed of could be an area where there is an enemy foothold and where he seeks to destroy you by whispering lies. remember that there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ. it might be hard to articulate what you are thinking, but as long as you keep to yourself in shame, you are giving those lies power. they have no power or place in your life. God is greater than all, and He can handle anything you bring to the table. to take it a step further, we are God's ambassadors to each other, because as humans we often need to look someone in the face and hear a verbal reminder of God's love. i encourage you to find someone (perhaps a trusted pastor) and tell them your struggles. getting it out in the open can be extremely terrifying, and when you encounter God's unconditional love and mercy extended through someone to you, i am confident it will bring a great deal of relief.

you are not your thoughts. thinking something does not mean you have done it. there is a difference between entertaining fantasies and thinking a thought.

also, you are not an overdramatic drama queen. you are valuable. God created you in His own image, and you matter. please remember that.
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Unread 07-27-2014, 03:12 PM   #8
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Beanbag, I did not read all of what you wrote (I have a fairly annoying headache) so I only read the beginning and the end.

"God created you in His own image, and you matter. please remember that."

I have good news. After venting on this forum and a more specialized mental health-related forum, I am kind of reconsidering all this hatred toward myself. This quote is really touching. I thought I don't matter, and that I never mattered. I thought that if I killed myself, the only burden my family would go through was of financial matter. My "friends", I thought, would've cared less.

I think I realized why I'm so hard on myself, last night. People with OCD occasionally have suicidal obsessions; that is to say, they think about suicide uncontrollably, but they would never do it. In grade 5, I didn't want to kill myself, but I had the worst suicidal obsessions, and I struggled with my body image. My family was very upset by all this. I wish I never put them through it, and I wish I never put anyone through it. I couldn't forgive myself, even 7 years after the fact.

I don't know what more to say. I will say, however, that I'm very touched that there's people out there who would give me helpful advice.
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Unread 07-27-2014, 03:33 PM   #9
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Glad to hear that your perspective has changed, flyinghome.

I want to encourage you to stick around these parts. CGR is a good place for community. It has helped me during the darker moments in my life. There are lots of diverse people here, and we all are pretty caring toward one another. I have received invaluable help and Christian community here.

Not that this takes the place of any of the community I experience in my every day life or at church or anything; but it has been extremely important nonetheless!
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Taylor, you just got drive-by theologied.
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Unread 07-27-2014, 03:54 PM   #10
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i second this. we would love for you to stick around the forums. =)
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Unread 07-28-2014, 11:02 AM   #11
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Hey guys, just a quick update:

Today was the worst day I've had all week. The suicidal thoughts were at their strongest, and I told myself every second to kill myself in such a way that it would maximize the happiness of everyone I know. I had the strong urge to just take as many of my meds as I could in order to possibly OD. I am already taking pretty much the maximum recommended dosage for my meds, as my psychiatrist will not increase the dosage.

I am seeing my therapist today. I should tell her about all this.
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Unread 07-28-2014, 04:52 PM   #12
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i hope you told your therapist.

have you considered having someone else hold your meds? for a while, my mom measured out the appropriate pills each day for my brother, but kept the actual supplies under lock and key.

is that a solution that could work for you?
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Unread 07-28-2014, 05:42 PM   #13
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I did tell my therapist. She also told my parents, much to my chagrin; I hate it when my parents have to find out that their seemingly happy, productive son is actually a self-loathing wreck. It's happened more than once.

Now I'm basically forced to take my meds in safe dosages. My parents used to keep the drugs locked up, maybe because they sensed that I was taking more than I should in the past. But since I'm going to university this september, the responsibility of taking my drugs will fall into my hands. So they gave me the meds and trusted that I will be good with them.

I think it's back to lock-and-key.
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Unread 07-28-2014, 06:02 PM   #14
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it can be a process. access to medication has switched back and forth a few times for my brother, because healing is a cycle.

i'm glad your parents are aware, so they can help you. it's hard for families to know how to respond, but in most cases the underlying desire is to help.

being human isn't about being perfect, it's about being in relationships and community.
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Unread 07-29-2014, 12:09 PM   #15
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I've been there dude; suicidal thoughts and self-loathing are the worst because you only hate yourself more for not being "okay". Hang in there. You'll get through this.

"We are the named and we are known; we know that we'll never walk alone." -Thrice
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