[Adam K]

Hi. I'm kinda in a pretty complex situation right now and need some advice. My girlfriend and I have been dating for 26 months now. We decided that we wanted to be married over more than a year ago but up until now, were not financially able to do so.

At the beginning of this semester I encouraged her to go on a week-long conference/retreat (put on by her university for theatre majors) mainly because she is having a hard time making friends at the university. She made several friends with whom she regularly goes out with now, and I have always encouraged and supported her in doing so.

Two weeks ago she had sat down with me and told me that she is not ready to get married because that now that it seems financially able for us, she feels pressured. I told her that it is perfectly fine and that we should wait until it is something we both desire.

Then last weekend I found some texts on her phone to another fellow (male) theatre student about how she wasn't sure if she loved me the same way anymore, and it totally caught her off guard. Now she tells me that doesn't think she wants a "relationship" anymore, but mainly she says "I just don't know what I want". So she says she wants a "break" from us to "find out who she is and what she wants". I have not been in support of this route for various reasons, but am majorly confused about how to go about any of this. Please help.

[bobthecockroach]

I think the only thing you can do is give her the break. If she wants to be with you, she'll come back when she's ready to commit. If she doesn't, I'm not sure there's anything you could do about it anyway.

A little more background on your relationship may allow more insight.

[athanatos]

How did you happen to see her personal texts she sent out to some male student?

I would echo Bob, though. So, go with his advice. I think it is wiser than my own tendencies:

Yet I know that I personally tend to be rather prying, and ask (1) when she thinks she thought otherwise [timeline?], (2) if it was that I was being less loving or that some other guy seemed more attractive [is it my fault, or is someone temporarily outshining me?], and (3) what would it take for her to know what she is looking for [what will satisfy her curiosity, since she thinks it is a barrier?].

I also know my heart is fickle. I have been in a relationship for almost 20 months, and yet there are attractive women around who are absolutely adorable and require no maintenance on my part whereas my girlfriend I haven't seen lately and she's an emotional wreck right now. I have to regularly and constantly say that I am dedicated to my girlfriend because if I waver then this relationship is toast and I don't want to lose her. She is a good woman. Some days are more tempting than others to go talk with the orientation of hey there. But my allegiance is not to convenience.

[SccHarpGirl]

Hmm this could be any number of things, and without knowing you or her it's hard to say what it is.

It could simply be that marriage has gone from being something that's going to happen "someday" to something very real, that could happen soon, and that's kind of freaking her out a bit and she's getting cold feet, wondering if she's ready, and if this is really what she wants in a very real and permanent sort of way.
On the opposite end of the spectrum, it could be that "taking a break" is her way of trying to break up with you.

either way, I agree with the others in that there isn't much you can do about the situation other than take the break that she wants. However, I'd set some clear boundaries if you decide to take a break. Whether or not you can date other people, for instance. How much contact you want during the break period. Don't let her use you as an emotional crutch, string you along, if she really has no intention of being in a relationship with you in the future.

FWIW, my parents dated for 4 years, but my dad wasn't ready to commit. My mom said that if he wasn't sure he saw a future with her, then they should maybe see other people. All it took was her going out on a few dates with other guys for him to realize that he'd be a fool to let her get away, and he proposed. Not saying that you should date other people right away, but sometimes a period of separation doesn't necessarily mean the end of the relationship.

[athanatos]

SccHarpGirl: Good tips on defining the expectations of the break.

[Adam K]

After some lengthy discussions we've decided that spending too much time together is what has been causing the trouble, and so we have agreed to cut that time in half and start working on our relationship from there.

I feel as though she has just been too stressed with me around a majority of the time, all while trying to assimilate herself into her developing social life.

As far as marriage goes, she made it clear that she does want to marry me, but that we need to work on the current problem(s) before we can seriously start preparing ourselves for that.

[doulos14]

Originally Posted by Adam K

After some lengthy discussions we've decided that spending too much time together is what has been causing the trouble, and so we have agreed to cut that time in half and start working on our relationship from there.

I feel as though she has just been too stressed with me around a majority of the time, all while trying to assimilate herself into her developing social life.

As far as marriage goes, she made it clear that she does want to marry me, but that we need to work on the current problem(s) before we can seriously start preparing ourselves for that.

Progressive steps always seem to be better. I think I agree with the thought that it was the sudden ability to be married that caused problems. All that extra time and the sudden possibility of marriage hit some nerves. (As a side note it reminds me of Leonard and Penny on Big Bang theory when he says he loves her).

Back to seriousness, I think that this was actually a good learning experience, if she is still considering whether or not you are right for her, maybe that's a good thing because she wants to pick you for the right reasons and wants to be careful because it is a big commitment.

And as far as social issues go, I once spent a summer with a girl and spent a lot of time with her, then we went long distance and she went back to her social life and the same time was not possible. This caused some problems with communication as well.

I would say it's all a balance of her social life and her commitment to you. The commitment should be to you, not necessarily her time (within reason).