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"Why do you capitalize the first letter of every word in your status update? Did someone tell you that was good grammar? Because I am here to tell you that it doesn't make any freaking sense to do that."
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youmadeaholy fool of me and i've thanked you ever since
"When you whine on facebook about how you hate drama, thereby causing drama, it makes me want to shoot a baby alpaca in the liver."
"Did you know that every time you take a picture of yourself in your mirror it looks exactly the same as all the other ones? There are roughly 600 photos of you on facebook that all look nearly identical."
"If you don't stop posting cryptic statuses about your family/friend/boyfriend problems, I am going to start guessing what the problems are and then commenting to ask if I'm right."