Complicated situation, need some advice.

10-13-2011, 02:01 AM

I've been a member of the forum for a few years, have not been very active recently, but do lurk from time to time. I'd rather post anonymously, since some things I may have to say in order to explain the situation I'm in I have been told with an understanding I would not share them. I could use some advice, and don't really know where to turn. Anyone I know that I can think that I can talk to I would have to share things I do not want to say to not break someone's trust.

This is a place I know has some wise people and I can get some advice with a Christian perspective as well.

Here goes, there are a lot of details, please ask me to elaborate if need be.

The whole situation revolves around my ex girlfriend. We broke up over a year ago. Until just recently, I didn't see her or talk to her for probably close to 8 or 9 months. We just started talking again, and things have really taken a turn for the worse for her.

Where to begin. Some background. Last year, not sure exactly when but I think around November if I remember correctly, she got into a car accident. It was raining and she rear ended someone in her truck. At the time she also had a van, and the truck was not on her insurance. She tried getting insurance on it multiple times but her dad refused to give her the VIN, hid the paperwork etc saying she didn't need it. When insurance got involved with the accident and they called him they asked if he wanted her to be a covered driver he instead said she took the truck "without permission" (not true) and so it basically went down as her causing an accident while uninsured. She is now getting sued for the damages, and is having to pay somewhere in the neighborhood of 200 dollars a month for the accident.

She has informed me that her dad has started taking drugs, and has physically hurt her on several occasions. He is also now charging her several hundred dollars a month in rent. She had to go to the hospital a while ago, and without insurance is making payments for that as well. She works full time as well as going to school, but is struggling financially. She is in a bad relationship. I don't want to get into details here, but trust me, it is unhealthy. According to her, the only reason she stays with him is because he helps her out with the bills. She has cut herself.

The breakup was tough, but I still care about her as a person, and feel like I need to do something to help. I have even offered her financial help (although I can't afford much), which she refuses to take. Here is my situation. I am a 22 year old college student. I also work full time and I own a 4 bedroom, 2 bathroom house. I live with two other guys. One of my rooms is completely empty, and is not being used for anything. An idea I have is letting her stay in my spare room, and charge her little to no rent. I can get by without the extra income, I have been doing ok for almost a year with just the 3 of us. My thinking is this would get her out of the bad home situation with her dad, and without having to pay as much in rent could drop the bad boyfriend. I do not intend on trying to get back with her by any means. This guy is just bad news.

Would it be inappropriate to offer her the room? I know my parents would freak out about a girl living here (especially someone I have history with), and under normal circumstances I would not consider it at all. It wouldn't be easy to see my ex daily, as the wound still hasn't completely healed, but I feel compared to what she is dealing with, I can man up and deal with it. What else can/should I do? I'm honestly at a loss here. I would obviously need to talk to my roommates and see how they feel about it, but before I do that I need to decide if this is an option I want to pursue.

I have tried to cover enough background so you guys can understand where I'm coming from, but if anything is unclear please let me know and I will elaborate.

**Role Modlin** · 10-13-2011, 06:37 AM

Before doing anything else you need to discuss it with your current roommates to make sure they are okay with it. They might not want the extra drama...even if it did ease their financial responsibilities.

It is a tough situation. I admire your desire to help this girl out. If it gets to the point where you are seriously considering letting her move in...I believe there should be some very clear cut guidelines as to what is and is not appropriate. Make sure there are rules in place and that every one is aware of them. If all four of you are not disciplined and strong enough to abide by the rules and to hold one another accountable...then I would say no. If there is even the slimmest chance that romantic feelings are still possible...then I would say no. Given your past with her...I believe you are seriously looking at a time of temptations and trials if she were to move in. That doesn't mean you shouldn't let her...it means that you need to be prepared for them.

**Thrash** · 10-13-2011, 07:35 AM

The boyfriend might also be a problem. If she gets financially responsible and breaks it off with him, make sure that either he doesn't know where you live, or that you keep sufficient watch out. I don't know how much of a jerk he is, but hopefully not big enough if one to blame you on the breakup and seek revenge.

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**Role Modlin** · 10-13-2011, 08:54 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Thrash

The boyfriend might also be a problem. If she gets financially responsible and breaks it off with him, make sure that either he doesn't know where you live, or that you keep sufficient watch out. I don't know how much of a jerk he is, but hopefully not big enough if one to blame you on the breakup and seek revenge.

Sent from my MB520 using CGR Forum

Yes. I didn't even think about that when I responded.

As harsh as this may sound...sometimes we can't help people...even if we really want to.

**Sean** · 10-13-2011, 11:31 AM

Do you not have any mutual friends which are girls who can help her?

**Role Modlin** · 10-13-2011, 11:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sean

Do you not have any mutual friends which are girls who can help her?

Ideally...she really would be better off with females. There are just so many things to consider and that could go wrong when you start co-mingling.

**Thrash** · 10-13-2011, 11:56 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Role Modlin

Ideally...she really would be better off with females. There are just so many things to consider and that could go wrong when you start co-mingling.

Especially if one of the other roommates and her start a relationship, os something of that sort. I imagine that situation would be quite awkward.

***BillSPrestonEsq*** · 10-13-2011, 03:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sean

Do you not have any mutual friends which are girls who can help her?

I would possibly go with something other than all girls as a recommendation. Any adult families that you know that would help? That would be my first choice.

A lot of times, IMO, if you have friends who will do this is to try to stash someone who needs to get away from somebody with a non-mutual friend if it is possible.

I would try to use the church to connect her with someone who wants to help. There are usually lots of folks willing.

**Rainer.** · 10-14-2011, 05:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BillSPrestonEsq

Any adult families that you know that would help? That would be my first choice.

This.

You're 22, your roommates are around your age right? It might seem like a good idea now to keep it sort of contained within your group, but honestly, at your age and level of financial stability, etc, it's unlikely that you'll be equipped to handle anything that comes up without some major repercussions. You can already think of many, many reasons why it could be a problem, and more will probably come up.

jcgss77 · 10-29-2011, 09:45 PM

It is a mistake to move her in. You are only inducing her drama to you and your roommates. This will cause a problem. And, you would have to deal with the boyfriend. If you still have issues with her, say hello to soap opera type stuff. Not a good idea.

Is someone in your family/friend network will offer her a place, then let them offer it to her. Remember-if you still have feelings for her, you skate a fine line with dishonoring her choice of significant other-no matter how badly he treats her. It is her choice to leave an abusive relationship, not anyone else's.

This may be hard to swallow, but it is not your responsibility to fix her. You can offer help, but if she won't take it, you can't help her. But you can always offer. Only Jesus can fix people. Have you offered Him to her?