Oh family...

SccHarpGirl · 09-20-2011, 10:28 AM

Hi CGR,

I'm in a bit of a sticky situation and hoped you could lend me some advice

The back story: I went to grad school in oregon, where I met my now fiance. His family lives in oregon, mine in washington. Since his family was so much closer, just naturally over the last two years I've seen way more of them than I have my own family. After graduation, I got a job in denver and off we went. My fiance is the first of his siblings and cousins to move out of driving distance and it is taking some adjusting on his family and friend's part, although with a few exceptions they are handling it well.

Since moving out here, I've flown back to the portland area 4 times. All for very legitimate reasons (graduation, mitch's birthday, his best friend's wedding). My family is starting to get a little edgy.I was home for a couple days in may prior to moving, before that, the last time I was home was christmas. To add to the stressmy grandfather, who I'm very close to, is not doing well mentally or physically and I feel like I really need to see him soon in case he has another slide and no longer knows me.

So the issue at hand is mitch's cousin's wedding in early october. He feels like we, or at least he, needs to attend. We already took some flak from his family for not attending his dad's 60 th birthday party this past weekend. While I would like to go to the wedding, my budget for plane tickets is becoming kind of scary (turns iout standby flight benefits are pretty useless in most cases). Especially since to appease family we are going to have to travel over both thanksgiving and christmas.

At this point I feel like I have three options:
1. Go to the wedding and upset my family
2. Go home and upset my fiance and future in laws.
3. Go to both and figure out how to pay for it later.

Sigh. What would you do, cgr?

**Role Modlin** · 09-20-2011, 10:34 AM

You have to do what's best for the two of you...regardless of what the two families feel.

If you and your finance' don't agree...then you have some serious praying and discussing to do.

My gut feeling is that you make the attempt to see your grandfather while he is still alive and able to recognize you.

Once you are married...you are new family unit. That may mean that the two of you make unpopular choices with your families of origin. They are just going to have to understand that.

I don't envy you. Keep in mind that the Bible says that a husband and wife are to leave their parents and cling to one another.

Chinchilla of Doom · 09-20-2011, 03:23 PM

Pray. Like RM said your grandfather seems to have priority in this. Have y'all talked to both sides the family about the impact it is having on y'all, I mean their reactions and demands to y'all being everywhere.

TheProdigalModern · 09-20-2011, 04:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Role Modlin

You have to do what's best for the two of you...regardless of what the two families feel.

What he said.

You can always remind them that the planes work both ways.

bobthecockroach · 09-20-2011, 07:59 PM

Could someone from your family pick you guys up in Oregon, drive you back to Washington and then you can fly home from there? Oregon and Washington are just a day's drive away, aren't they? Since you only mention budget, not time off as a reason, it seems odd you can't batch-process the trips.

Ax · 09-20-2011, 10:11 PM

I would see your grandfather. As a person who lost their grandfather unexpectedly, I wish I'd had the chance to see him one last time. Of my few regrets, having the chance to do so and not taking it is very high on that list.

Cousin's getting married... bah... I've missed those for way dumber reasons than that... High school debate trips, work, anime conventions... they get over that. Your future husband and his family should understand that seeing your grandfather is of much more importance. If they want you to go to that wedding so badly, make them buy your plane tickets.

SccHarpGirl · 09-20-2011, 10:45 PM

Well, it actually worked out to a nice compromise.

My fiance was incredibly understanding and basically said he'd support whatever I felt the need to do. So I called my mom to get her take, and she said that my grandpa had stabilized and was doing a bit better. She suggested that I go to the wedding (!?!?!?!) and try to get home via standby (I work for an airline...so far standby travel to Seattle has not been possible, but there's some signs it might be opening up a bit in the near future), and that if I can't by mid October, they would help me pay for an air ticket to come home. So either way, I'll get to come home within the month and attend the wedding.

Combining the trips would have been optimal, but unfortunately time off is an issue...I have only 5 days off for the rest of the year (that's vacation and sick) and my fiance has 2 (although, as a teacher, he actually has quite a bit of time off, it's just pre-scheduled). We were planning to use time off over the holidays so we'd have time to see both sets of families.

So that is the plan. I was shocked that my mom actually was trying to talk me INTO attending the wedding...judging from prior conversations I figured she'd be hurt/angry/upset if I made another trip to Portland without returning to Seattle first. But I guess she views weddings as important to go to if you can, and I did make it clear that it is incredibly important to me to get home as soon as possible to see my grandfather. By going to the wedding, too, I think I have a little more leverage to make a couple trips home between now and the holidays if the flights permit it, which would be optimal (I'd love for once in October, and then once the first week in November).

Thanks guys for the wonderful advice. I'm going to save your comments and refer back to them when we hit the holiday season, when I know this will come up again as both families will want to see us