[beanbag]

i am not much of a poet myself, but i often do translation work for other poets. i have a couple of stanzas for one i've just put into english, and while i want it to remain as close to the original meaning as possible, it also has to make sense and sound pretty in english.

(note: there is a slight meter and rhyme to the original, but it isn't structured--it comes and goes within a much freer style. this doesn't have to be whipped into a specific form, but i am open to suggestions.)

because it isn't my own work, as soon as i have the necessary feedback i will need to take it down. it's copyrighted in the original language and will be copyrighted in english once i am finished, but until that time it isn't mine to share...i just need some help with the translation i've rendered.

i need clarification on the meaning of some of the words in the last stanza, so i will add that in a follow up post as soon as i am done with the english. until then, any feedback would be greatly appreciated.


**removed**

[SupaNova]

After reading the piece a couple times, I feel totally lost in the first stanza. I think I get the gist of it, but it feels like a few disjointed ideas; there's no flow between those last four statements.

I like what you have for the other ones. However, it took a couple tries before "My eyes in your eyes will see creation reflected" registered. The idea makes sense, but it could be worded a little bit more clearly, I think. "My eyes will see creation in your eyes reflected". You should conjure up something better though

You know, this could become a lucrative side-business for ya