[Small]

A li'l something I slapped together over the course of a couple of months. It's not meant to be particularly earth-shattering, but I'd like feedback, as it's been awhile since I've been able to assess my songwriting. Tear it up, yo.

Learning From History

Your voice rings in my mind like a telephone,
Or a doorbell chiming to the home-alone,
And I feel a storm coming in my aching bones,
Like the cold wind of a memory of sticks and stones,

Because I,
I wasted years,
In pursuit and in trying to forget,
And I,
I'm over you,
But I'm not over getting over you, yet.

You were the closest thing I ever found to love,
An iron fist waiting in a velvet glove,
The loudest and shrillest of my false alarms,
The brightest bulb in my galaxy of Edison's stars,

And I,
I wasted years,
Wishing on you for things I couldn't get,
But now I,
I've seen the light,
And I'm not ever closing my eyes again

Write yourself in, and I'll tear out the page,
Drop the curtain if you touch the stage,
Show me your heart, and I'll show you a cage,
Nowhere close to you is anyplace safe

And I,
I wasted years,
In pursuit and in trying to forget,
But now that I,
I've seen the light,
I'm not ever closing my eyes again

[6strings21frets]

Originally Posted by Small

Learning From History

My opinion? Quickly reading over the song, it reads more like this could/should be titled Wasted Years, but the theme behind it makes sense. Maybe that's just me.

Your voice rings in my mind like a telephone,
Or a doorbell chiming to the home-alone,
And I feel a storm coming in my aching bones,
Like the cold wind of a memory of sticks and stones,

I love these analogies. That is all. *golfclap

Because I,
I wasted years,
In pursuit and in trying to forget,
And I,
I'm over you,
But I'm not over getting over you, yet.

Interesting lyrics. Took a few very slow reads to get them into my head and make sense of them. Sounds like something everyone's been through at some stage.

You were the closest thing I ever found to love,
An iron fist waiting in a velvet glove,
The loudest and shrillest of my false alarms,
The brightest bulb in my galaxy of Edison's stars,

This is why I enjoy reading your work.

And I,
I wasted years,
Wishing on you for things I couldn't get,
But now I,
I've seen the light,
And I'm not ever closing my eyes again

I'm getting some kind of reference to Jesus here with this "light" part. If that's what you were going for, nice work.

Write yourself in, and I'll tear out the page,
Drop the curtain if you touch the stage,
Show me your heart, and I'll show you a cage,
Nowhere close to you is anyplace safe

This verse seems to me a bit more like hatred, not just getting over someone. I'm not sure if that's what you were going for here, but I personally don't think it sits right with the rest of the song. Again, that's just me.

And I,
I wasted years,
In pursuit and in trying to forget,
But now that I,
I've seen the light,
I'm not ever closing my eyes again

*See earlier critique

Overall, I liked it. There were a lot of interesting parts in that, some good, some not so amazing. Still, very solid as always.

[rock_show_host]

I love this. I don't have time for a detailed critique right now, but everything looks solid to me. The images and analogies all work really well. I'd love to hear it with music.

This couplet is my favorite:

Write yourself in, and I'll tear out the page,
Drop the curtain if you touch the stage,

Very nice job

[6strings21frets]

Originally Posted by rock_show_host

This couplet is my favorite:

Write yourself in, and I'll tear out the page,
Drop the curtain if you touch the stage,

That's weird that it didn't sit right with me. Don't get me wrong, everything was well written, this stanza included, but for me it didn't mesh with the rest of the song.

[Small]

Originally Posted by 6strings21frets

My opinion? Quickly reading over the song, it reads more like this could/should be titled Wasted Years, but the theme behind it makes sense. Maybe that's just me.

It's a good suggestion, but my thought with the title was that it's an implication that those who don't learn from history are doomed to repeat it, and that's the basic message of the song.

This is why I enjoy reading your work.

Confession: the iron fist/velvet glove imagery/metaphor is actually lifted from P.G. Wodehouse. And he was a genius.

I'm getting some kind of reference to Jesus here with this "light" part. If that's what you were going for, nice work.

I meant the line more in the broad sense of "seeing the light" as a sudden dawning in the mind of things as they actually are, but it's certainly an easy inference to make. Do you think that the possibility of it referencing Christ is strong enough that it's distracting from the tone of the song?

This verse seems to me a bit more like hatred, not just getting over someone. I'm not sure if that's what you were going for here, but I personally don't think it sits right with the rest of the song. Again, that's just me.

I didn't intend it so much as an expression of hatred or bitterness, as just an open statement of how seriously I don't want to risk becoming re-entangled. Essentially saying that I'll go out of my way to avoid contact, because I don't trust myself.

Overall, I liked it. There were a lot of interesting parts in that, some good, some not so amazing. Still, very solid as always.

Haha, thank you.

Originally Posted by rock_show_host

I love this. I don't have time for a detailed critique right now, but everything looks solid to me. The images and analogies all work really well. I'd love to hear it with music.

Thanks, man. It's been awhile. I'll see what I can do about some kind of acoustic demo. No promises.

This couplet is my favorite:

Write yourself in, and I'll tear out the page,
Drop the curtain if you touch the stage,

Very nice job

Thank you, sir.

Originally Posted by 6strings21frets

That's weird that it didn't sit right with me. Don't get me wrong, everything was well written, this stanza included, but for me it didn't mesh with the rest of the song.