[SierraNichole]

I am 24, single, never dated because I never saw the point in giving parts of me away to numerous guys. I am praying for a husband and really just want to get married. How do you deal with being single when you really just want that other person in your life?

[DaGeek]

I'm in a similar bind. The best way, I'm learning, is to devote yourself to something else while waiting. It's not that you make one thing your driving passion that keeps you from doing anything else --- that'll keep any prospective relationships from happening due to lack of time. However, find something you're passionate about, do it, and continue to hang out with friends and try new things.

That's my practical idea. In addition to that, pray, dig into the Word, and don't focus your prayers on finding "Mr. Right." If you do that, you'll fall into the trap I've fallen into often of ignoring other important things by placing the right guy on the list.

In short, what you have now is a gift from God: Singleness/time due to lack of commitment to somebody. When you have that, it will be awesome, but, until then, it's time to invest it wisely into the Kingdom of God and trust the Lord that He will provide for you in His time.



I definitely hear you when it comes to wanting to get married. That's a big struggle in my life right now, but God keeps closing the doors on even prospective relationships, and the above is stuff He's been showing me.

[Rainer.]

Patience. But also Vigilance.

It's completely true that you can't force things to happen. There is no way of making the right guy for you fall from the sky and marry you. It just doesn't work that way. Patience.

There comes a point, though, where you can't be completely passive. If God keeps putting a good guy in your life, and you never do anything about it, then, clearly, nothing will ever happen. Vigilance. Remember that you don't just fall into a relationship, you have to make a relationship. If there is someone in your life that might be good for you, why not cautiously examine it?

As far as "parts of yourself", it's not entirely fair to yourself to be entirely too guarded. Relationships work, or they don't work. None of your past relationships will ever cheapen the bond you will ultimately form with the man who will become your husband. Marriage is between you and your husband, and no other man will fill the spot that you have reserved for your husband until he becomes your husband.

Think about it, and pray about it. You might be surprised at what's already around you.

[tigerfan88]

Ditto to what DaGeek said. As a single young adult female (22 specifically), I've gone through the same thing as you have, Sierra. When you see everyone else around you falling in love/getting married, it can be tough to be single, particularly if you want the same thing for yourself. Believe me, it's something I struggled extensively with when I was 18/19, and still have struggles with at times even today.

The thing is, everything happens when it's meant to happen. I feel as though God doesn't want me to get married yet, He wants me to do something else first--that's a logical reason why the three relationships I've been in to date haven't worked out, no matter how hard I tried. Perhaps it's the same for you.

I've found that rather than worrying about when it's going to happen, it's better to focus on myself, my family and my friends. Like DaGeek mentioned, devoting yourself to something else makes the waiting a bit easier. In my case, I've thrown myself into school and work, as well as other activities like music and computer stuff. I've also started working out and will probably do more volunteering, as well as whatever else I feel God calling me to do. I've found that since I've started doing all of this, my happiness and contentment have grown exponentially.

Don't get me wrong, I still would love to have a partner, a husband, someone to raise a family with. I'm open to it happening if I find the right person. But, I've chosen to not let my "singleness" define who I am as a person. I've realized that you should not base all of your happiness on a relationship--doing so just places too much. You need to be happy with yourself, alone, before you can be truly happy in a relationship.

Work on yourself during this time. Do things that make you happy. Do things that allow you to meet new people, and perhaps even your future husband. And when the right person comes along, do something about it. Move things forward with them. But in the meantime, enjoy yourself as a single person.

[beanbag]

i'm almost 24, also single. sometimes i struggle with being single more than other times...as i get older, it does get worse and lasts longer than it used to.

i've chosen to throw myself wholeheartedly into my church. i echo what everyone else says about finding something to get involved in, but i really want to specifically encourage you to get involved with your church or some other service to God, because it not only occupies your time...it keeps your focus and attention on Him. it doesn't necessarily make being single any easier, but at least it gives you something to do so you think about it less.

[Ethan.Bassist.]

How do I deal with it? I keep busy and don't think about it too much. I live vicariously through my friends' relationships. lol. But seriously
I talk to girls because generally girls make me nervous, so I've been trying to talk to them knowing full well that chances are, nothing will come of it. I'm just trying to get more bold.

[bobthecockroach]

Originally Posted by Rainer.

Remember that you don't just fall into a relationship, you have to make a relationship.

This.

At some point you have to make yourself vulnerable, be bold, and start moving toward a relationship. (I don't mean asking someone out. I mean trying to spend more time with someone you're interested in, trying to talk to them more.)

I realize this isn't the one true solution for all people who are in their 20s and unmarried. I'm just trying to echo what Jon said because I think it's really important.

[OiBoyz]

Can I point out to all you married types who have popped in, that the question wasn't how to meet someone? It was how to deal with being single while you're waiting?

I think I may be the oldest single person on this forum (I don't know for sure) and I have spent decades dealing with this question.

I have had times when it's been difficult being alone. It's usually hardest when there is someone I am interested in. There are times when it's not really that hard at all. And as I get older, I wonder if I'm too "set in my ways" to be able to compromise in order to have a good relationship. I mean, I don't have to consult with anyone if I want to buy something, or go somewhere. If I were married, those things would have to be a team decision.

To the OP, you live your life by continuing to seek God. Keep growing in your faith, and becoming the woman He wants you to be. If you find your mate, you'll be a better wife and mother for having spent this time developing yourself. If you never do marry, you don't want to have wasted years waiting for something that didn't happen.

But I would say one thing: don't cut yourself off from friendships with potential suitors. If you're not being sexually active with them, then you're not really "giving parts" of yourself away. If you cut everyone off at the knees, it will guarantee that you never find anyone.

Just don't approach every poor guy with the big doe eyes "Is he the ONE??????" That's just creepy. And a big waste of time.

[Ax]

Well, she presented the problem that she wanted to be married, so I gave her the only advice I know to give. I haven't been single since I was 16 so I'm unqualified to answer this.

[bobthecockroach]

I wrote this before realizing how much discussion had been split off from this thread. Take it for what it is is.

Originally Posted by OiBoyz

Can I point out to all you married types who have popped in, that the question wasn't how to meet someone? It was how to deal with being single while you're waiting?

I think our point is that if you are single and want to get married, "waiting" isn't enough.

I don't want to nitpick about your word choice, and I don't want to assume too much about Sierra, since she didn't give details, but if you "wait" for marriage by maintaining a distance from guys and refusing to get involved because you're afraid of what you might lose, then you're much less likely to get married than someone who's open to advances and goes on dates.

Again, I'm not saying this is your situation or Sierra's, but I think it's what I and the other "married types" who posted were afraid of.

There's virtue in wanting to be free from a messy past when you enter marriage, but you can't have a relationship without being vulnerable. Eventually, you have to "give part of yourself away" in order to move forward in the relationship.

I don't presume to know why Sierra hasn't found a husband yet or what God has planned for her. I just think the point Jon made about vigilance is important. Maybe it won't help Sierra, but hopefully it can help someone.

[Rainer.]

Originally Posted by bobthecockroach

There's virtue in wanting to be free from a messy past when you enter marriage, but you can't have a relationship without being vulnerable. Eventually, you have to "give part of yourself away" in order to move forward in the relationship.

I wouldn't call it virtue so much as wishful thinking. If life was all perfect and laid out with relationships falling into place right where they should, then yes, it's nice to be free from a messy past. But life is messy. All lives are messy. You can do all the "right things" and still end up with a life with a hell of a "past".

The fear of that shouldn't keep you away from relationships, though. That fear is counterproductive to hope. The hope that many of us have to live life with someone else as a couple.


As a guy with a "messy past", I'll say that it's haughty statement that being free from a "messy past" is at all virtuous. Our experiences just happen. It's no fault of anyone to be vulnerable to something going wrong. But it is definitely your own problem if you are too afraid to break out of your shell (hypothetical "you", no one in particular) to pursue a relationship when it's what you truly desire.

[SierraNichole]

I really appreciate all the input. Im just really sick of waiting, ya know?

[Rainer.]

Originally Posted by SierraNichole

I really appreciate all the input. Im just really sick of waiting, ya know?

Then try searching instead of waiting.

You may not find anything yet, but it's more productive than just sitting around (so to speak).

[BillSPrestonEsq]

Originally Posted by Rainer.

I wouldn't call it virtue so much as wishful thinking. If life was all perfect and laid out with relationships falling into place right where they should, then yes, it's nice to be free from a messy past. But life is messy. All lives are messy. You can do all the "right things" and still end up with a life with a hell of a "past".

The fear of that shouldn't keep you away from relationships, though. That fear is counterproductive to hope. The hope that many of us have to live life with someone else as a couple.


As a guy with a "messy past", I'll say that it's haughty statement that being free from a "messy past" is at all virtuous. Our experiences just happen. It's no fault of anyone to be vulnerable to something going wrong. But it is definitely your own problem if you are too afraid to break out of your shell (hypothetical "you", no one in particular) to pursue a relationship when it's what you truly desire.

I married my first girlfriend. My high school crush, and I assure you, my past is messy, maybe not with ex girlfriends, but I assure you, if you knew the half of my life story and the crazy cast of the funny farm that makes random guest appearances, you know that even if you avoid all drama in this area... ...you can still have crazy drama in others. I am probably more apt than most at getting guns drawn on me for crazy episodes from my past and other things that, well are rather hard to explain.

And I advocate neither searching, nor waiting. I advocate becoming. Become who you are supposed to be. Don't wait on life to pass you by, but find your niche in life and pursue it. Consciously strive to cultivate those areas of your life that will help you in marriage. Waiting is a waste of time and in my experience, when we let loneliness define who we are, there gets to be a little too much of the "any old port in a storm" thing going on in people I have seen. But find a passion, find a purpose, and odds are good that you will find someone who shares that purpose.

[deana]

Hi Sierra.. I was with my first love from 15 till 23 , Ive been single about 6 months, which is why I decided to travel. I guess I was blessed to experience * a relationship * and its pain and its happiness. I read the part where you said "never dated because I never saw the point in giving parts of me away to numerous guys ".. With that giving comes receiving, , pain, happiness , joy, peace, learning, love and growth. Don't be scared to step in. I understand the single part, sometimes there is this emptiness which is not filled in by your mates. My music helps me, and writing a heap of half songs and feelings down on paper ... Stay strong .. Kia Kaha.. and keep the faith.. things happen when they are meant to ... . Life is what happens when your making other plans..