[Rainer.]

Originally Posted by Art

Well said. I have been mentally formulating a response to this thread, and I think this pretty well says it.

That said, I know it can be hard for us white Americans to accept this kind of parenting, because we just don't know the culture. Having been married to a woman with a Chinese Mom, I have tried to learn and understand the culture, and to a degree I have... But it takes a lot of effort to understand a culture.

On the flipside, you should probably wonder how much effort it takes us Easterners (or Asian-Americans) to understand you Americans.

It's kinda like I'm floating in the middle of both worlds, though. It's odd.

[bread man]

Originally Posted by Pauler

when it came to school...there was no wiggle room. i remember on one report card making straight a's with my lowest grade being a 93/100. my dad asked me where the other 7 points were. this was both maddening and driving at the same time.

this was good in that it really drove me to make really good grades. if my memory serves me right, the final report card of that year i made straight a's with a 98 being the lowest score...and no, my dad didnt ask where the other 2 points were

this was bad b/c i had no doubt in my mind my parents loved me and cared for me very much, but it also put in me a mindset of "not good enough" that carries into many areas of my life. i find that i have this inferiority complex that rears its head at times which again is maddening and driving at the same time. basically, it is hard for me to be satisfied...which can also be good and bad.

my parents were strict when it came to school, but like rainer were also a bit progressive. they let me play little league and football along with music as long as my grades were good. the first sign of slippage and those extra things were gone.

My dad grew up the same way. He would get 94% on university mathematics exams and his dad would ask where the other 6 percent went. He basically completely gave up trying to please his dad and they don't really have a close relationship. I know that some people need to be pushed hard, but I'm sure as hell glad that my dad didn't carry over those parenting methods to me and my brother. Both my parents made us work hard and I'm glad for it, but they recognised our limits as well. I have a lot of friends whose parents didn't care what they did in school, and are now pretty lazy/unmotivated to do anything.

My dad is the smartest person I've ever met (he topped pretty much everything at university) and is brilliant at what he does (writing software), but because of the way he grew up, he doesn't take himself seriously at all.

[SccHarpGirl]

I just finished Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother a few days ago and was actually on my way to the book forum to make a thread about it.

Has anyone else read the book itself, rather than the excerpts and the interviews? If not, I'd definitely recommend it - it's a quick, engaging read and gives you a lot to think about.

I agreed with her mostly about the "cycle of virtue" - that people tend to like things they are good at, and sometimes it's worth pushing a child through wanting to give up something difficult so that they will appreciate it later on when they are good. However, I think the key is knowing that there is a time to push and a time to back off, and I think with her younger daughter she pushed way past when she should.

I also didn't really understand all the emphasis on music to the extent of pulling her girls out of school to give them more time to practice, when she specifically states that she didn't want them to grow up to be professional musicians. I definitely support having a child learn a musical instrument - I think there are all kinds of valuable skills to be learned - but it seems like for the younger daughter, it wasn't worth what it cost.

I agree, though, with her comments on school - there's no reason, in the American public school system at least, why students can't achieve exemplary grades, and expecting such out of kids not only compliments their intelligence, but helps them believe that achieving, say, straight A's is the norm.

I guess I'd really, really love to hear from Asians who have read the book, and to hear how much of her parenting is genuine Chinese parenting and how much is just her own parental style.

[Pauler]

Originally Posted by MtlMom

Paul, as a father, what elements of your parents' child-rearing philosophy do you want to perpetuate, and what elements do you want to leave behind?

good question...i think i would want to instill discipline in my son. i guess that means that he understand priorities and difference b/t wants and needs to name a few. my wife and i are for sure going to avoid shaming my son (like name calling) if he does something he is not supposed to do.

however, like the article, i want to push him to excel in everything that he does to a point where perhaps i believe that he can do more than even he thinks he can do, and hopefully through that he will discover what he is capable of doing/learning/being. teach him to finish things even when it is hard and not just let him give up. i want him to know what it means to earn something and not have something given to you.

i dont think i want to be the type of father that asks "where are the other 7 points?"

i guess i havent really formulated in my mind exactly how i want to be as a parent. my wife and i are in the process of figuring all that out.

SccHarpGirl, i would be interested in picking that book up and will let you know my thoughts.

[MtlMom]

Originally Posted by Pauler

good question...i think i would want to instill discipline in my son. i guess that means that he understand priorities and difference b/t wants and needs to name a few. my wife and i are for sure going to avoid shaming my son (like name calling) if he does something he is not supposed to do.

however, like the article, i want to push him to excel in everything that he does to a point where perhaps i believe that he can do more than even he thinks he can do, and hopefully through that he will discover what he is capable of doing/learning/being. teach him to finish things even when it is hard and not just let him give up. i want him to know what it means to earn something and not have something given to you.

i dont think i want to be the type of father that asks "where are the other 7 points?"

i guess i havent really formulated in my mind exactly how i want to be as a parent. my wife and i are in the process of figuring all that out.

That sounds like good parenting to me.

[guitarlover4120]

it's awful, how lucky i am , cuz i am not raised in that way