I'm Stupid

Not Chris · 12-28-2010, 03:57 PM

I'll probably talk to her on skype about this. I hear what you're saying though, roscoestring. You're telling me to get off my ass, and I know that you are right.

There are girls here. I don't know why that surprised me.

mtlmouth, thanks for your perspective. That's a lovely dress you're wearing, btw.

Not Chris · 12-29-2010, 09:31 AM

Okay, so here's another issue that I'm probably making too big a deal out of: freaking facebook. Assuming that she doesn't hang up on me and change her number when I tell her that I like her and want her to be more than just a friend, we will have to deal with family members who are not going to be supportive of our relationship. I am ready for it - but she is the one who is going to have to deal with the lion's share of the criticism (some people don't embrace cultural diversity). Within minutes of changing our facebook status there will be phone calls and e-mails flying.

dailybeans · 12-29-2010, 09:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Not Chris

Okay, so here's another issue that I'm probably making too big a deal out of: freaking facebook. Assuming that she doesn't hang up on me and change her number when I tell her that I like her and want her to be more than just a friend, we will have to deal with family members who are not going to be supportive of our relationship. I am ready for it - but she is the one who is going to have to deal with the lion's share of the criticism (some people don't embrace cultural diversity). Within minutes of changing our facebook status there will be phone calls and e-mails flying.

If the only reason these people have that you shouldn't be together is that you are of different races, then you don't need to listen to what they say at all.

OiBoyz · 12-29-2010, 10:15 AM

Another girl perspective: I think Skype is fine to talk to her about what you're thinking and feeling. As far as the fb status thing, if you really expect objection from the family, I'd wait and tell the families in person when you go home in January. You can tell them in person together and be able to answer questions and make clear that you're not going to deal with bigoted or racist objections.

And however she feels, she will appreciate the relationship clarification. She already cares for you and likely feels the same and is wondering when you're gonna man up.

***BillSPrestonEsq*** · 12-29-2010, 10:20 AM

And families giving you crap can be overcome. My parents were wildly opposed to my relationship with the girl I married back then. It took a long while for them to come around but I think they mostly have. (They didn't approve because we were from very different socio-economic classes.)

roscoestring · 12-29-2010, 11:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BillSPrestonEsq

And families giving you crap can be overcome. My parents were wildly opposed to my relationship with the girl I married back then. It took a long while for them to come around but I think they mostly have. (They didn't approve because we were from very different socio-economic classes.)

Wow! And you married her anyways?!?

(Not Chris) Families are going to always disapprove no matter who you bring home. I'd just laugh at them.

**Rainer.** · 12-29-2010, 11:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Not Chris

Okay, so here's another issue that I'm probably making too big a deal out of: freaking facebook. Assuming that she doesn't hang up on me and change her number when I tell her that I like her and want her to be more than just a friend, we will have to deal with family members who are not going to be supportive of our relationship. I am ready for it - but she is the one who is going to have to deal with the lion's share of the criticism (some people don't embrace cultural diversity). Within minutes of changing our facebook status there will be phone calls and e-mails flying.

Sounds like it's less about Facebook and more about worried about telling your families.

I totally get this, and I've been through the whole song and dance with parents not approving of interracial relationships. The issue should be definitely brought up with the parents before the news starts spreading around, or you publicly notify everyone on Facebook. It will make the conversation go a lot easier if they don't hear it from someone else first.

You should deal with the issue with sensitivity with her, especially, though. It's very, very difficult to deal with your family when they don't approve of your relationship especially for something like race. I don't think that most families who disapprove of interracial relationships are racists, I think they just have difficulty responding to the idea of having a mixed-race family. As they say, the unknown is what frightens us, and there is no more intimate bond than marriage, and so sending their daughter into that unknown can be worrisome.

Above all, remember patience and sensitivity. Cultural ties run deep. It might take a long time for the families to come around. But if/when they do, it's definitely worth the wait.

***BillSPrestonEsq*** · 12-29-2010, 12:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by roscoestring

Wow! And you married her anyways?!?

Of course. Granted, by hostile I mean very hostile as in at various points I was dodging my folk's fists. It all in all went about as badly as I have ever heard.

Then, when I asked her dad's permission, he literally pulled out the receipt for his wife's engagement rings to compare size and grade. That weasel since divorced his wife after cheating... but I had him beat by 2 grades in clarity, one in color and 4 points of a carat.

All in all, I think every bad dating joke, and meet the parents joke, I lived through, and I have a very happy marriage with my wife. Lets say we do not have anything to do with her dad, her mom lives part time with us, and my parents need a thousand mile buffer zone but can visit, but we make it work.

But the thing was, going in, we knew my family and her family's issues. I am trying to present things in a rather light and fluffy manner, but the truth is, it really sucks to go through that kind of disapproval. I also know that depending on your own relationship with your parents it can be a lot harder.

And my parents are kind of racist. Just flat out. But my wife is same basic race I am so that was not an issue for us. The class/religious issues were big.

Not Chris · 12-29-2010, 04:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dailybeans

If the only reason these people have that you shouldn't be together is that you are of different races, then you don't need to listen to what they say at all.

Except that we both love our families and would rather work through this with them than to alienate them. It isn't about skin color, it's more about cultural pride and the desire to preserve who they are.

My family won't have an issue with the racial/cultural differences. They will be worried that having a girl in my life will detract from my studies (as if she hasn't already). I'm confident that they will love her. Her family, on the other hand, is going to find me to be unacceptable - and since she is financially dependent on them it becomes pretty sticky.

So when I ask to be part of her future, I'm also asking her to throw herself into a hornets' nest. You guys don't know me at all, but I'm telling you that I'm probably not worth that kind of sacrifice. If the tables were turned and it was my family who would have an issue with it, It would be easier to deal with, because the sacrifice would be my own.

**Rainer.** · 12-29-2010, 05:51 PM

Indeed. I know that feeling, too.

However, none of these incredibly important conversations can happen unless you talk to her about all of it. Just make it happen.

Ethan.Bassist. · 01-02-2011, 12:27 AM

Do it! And let us know how it goes so that us single folk might be able to live vicariously through you

And don't worry about that stuff, it'll be alright.

Not Chris · 01-07-2011, 04:37 PM

School starts Monday, so I thought I would update you guys while I still have some time. We talked for about 3 hours on New Years Eve, and it went great. I'm very happy, and I think this is going to be a really long month. Thanks again for the encouragement.

deana · 01-09-2011, 10:59 AM

woohoo wtg... I reckon we cant let our lives be dictated by *everyone else's* opinions... if deep in your heart it says you should give something a go and you weighed up all the issues... then cant be all bad ..

happy for you *Not Chris*... good luck :P

OiBoyz · 01-09-2011, 11:35 AM

So... you two talked. Good. Sounds like she was on the same page with you? What about the families? Any discussion about them, or with them? Did you see the girl during your break?

Inquring minds want to know.