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Unread 12-15-2010, 08:18 PM   #1
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My brother needs some tough advice.

*Disclaimer* May not be for less mature readers*

So, my little brother has been dating a girl since mid summer. It's come to the point where he has been thinking about it, and wants to break up the relationship. To me, this is just fine; she's a great girl and all, but obviously my brother has his reasons and I want to see him happy.

He told me he was going to talk to her about it last Thursday night when they went out on another date, but he had quite a good time and decided to put it off. Don't ask me why, my brother confuses me sometimes. He was supposed to go to her hometown about 1200kms away for Xmas with her family.

Last Friday, his girlfriend decided to go out and party with her friends at a club. My brother wasn't there. Apparently things got a little "sloppy"(Let's not get into the ethics of that lifestyle). Long story short, sometime on Friday night they think she was drugged and rapped. She has never been "black-out" drunk in her life. From about 1am to 7 am she remembers nothing. She woke up naked on the bathroom floor to the sound of the Police knocking on the door. Apparently she made a couple hundred phone calls that night and a friend was hearing things like "Stop, don't touch me, etc". Moving on: they've made a Police report and been to the Hospital.

The dilemma my brother has is that he can't say anything now about wanting to break up without being seen as the world's biggest a-hole. She has already asked things like, "Do you think less of me now?" It's not at all because of what happened, but it might very well seem it. How is he supposed to go to Xmas with her family and pretend that everything is alright between them?

I think at this point it's all about timing. I think he needs to be there for support, and when the time is right and she is emotionally ready, he can split. But again, that puts him in this awful place of pretending.

Any advice and thoughts would be much appreciated.

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Unread 12-15-2010, 08:39 PM   #2
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He was willing to pretend for a while all on his own before this happened (by not breaking up with her when he planned.)

I don't really have any advice, because the situation sucks for her. No matter what he says, she will feel it's because she's "dirty." It's not right to lead her on, but at the same time, he can't be held hostage to this forever. She needs to seek some counseling, and perhaps he can talk to the counselor as well. Sure sounds like they could use some wisdom to get through this.
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Unread 12-16-2010, 08:23 AM   #3
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Quote:
The dilemma my brother has is that he can't say anything now about wanting to break up without being seen as the world's biggest a-hole. She has already asked things like, "Do you think less of me now?" It's not at all because of what happened, but it might very well seem it. How is he supposed to go to Xmas with her family and pretend that everything is alright between them?

I think at this point it's all about timing. I think he needs to be there for support, and when the time is right and she is emotionally ready, he can split. But again, that puts him in this awful place of pretending.
Your brother is in a relationship with her. That involves many things but one of the biggest is being a friend. Caring about the other person. And that is what she needs right now. He shouldn't have to pretend to be her friend or to care about her. He should definitely be able to do that without pretending. I doubt that she will be ready for a "boyfriend" until she gets this worked out a little more. But she is definitely in need of friends. He can address the other aspects of their relationship a little later.

He is not planning on running off with another girl is he?
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Unread 12-16-2010, 08:34 AM   #4
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I think there is only one piece of advice I can really give here. Your brother should seek counsel, in person, from both ordained pastors and trained professionals. He needs to put her needs first, but few of us (you, me, your brother, and the other random strangers on the internet responding to this) know how to do that. That is where the counsel comes in.
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Unread 12-16-2010, 09:25 AM   #5
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He went on a date planning to break up but had a good time and put it off. That seems really selfish to me. We can not know the situation well enough to give really good advice. A lot of things should be factored in here - things like age which could make a world of difference to the both of them. And I'm assuming that they both are young.

If indeed she was raped then I think he should stop thinking of himself and stand by her and support her. Regardless of their relationship. Just because it would be the Christian thing to do. However, she should not have gone to the place that she did and put herself in a position to be taken advantage of. It could be that she is thinking the same - she may want to break up. Whatever, no good will come from avoiding the situation.

Like others have said, it's a hard situation. I'd think about it hard before making any spur of the moment decissions.

I'll be praying for them.
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Unread 12-16-2010, 12:16 PM   #6
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Wow Im trying to imagine if that happened with my girlfriend...

I would say your brother to be as supporting as possible, until she gets over it (though I don't know if one can really get over it). Because even if he does not love her anymore, he seems to like her very much (or am I mistaken ?). By the way that would be very noble from him.

The tough thing to do is to tell her "okay I am going to be as helpful as I can for the next months, you can count on me. But do not get me wrong, our relationship is not existing anymore. And trust me, it really has nothing to deal with the other night".

Maybe youve said it but, are they both christian (not christian "because my parents are so", really christian) ?


You are a great big brother to feel concerned like this by your little bro difiiculties I wish I was a little bit more like you. be proud of you.
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Unread 12-16-2010, 06:15 PM   #7
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To address a few things.

I'm not sure of her spiritual beliefs, but I know my brother does believe in God and Jesus and all the good stuff we grew up in our home with, but he is not a practicing Christian.

My brother is 20, and she is 23.

Quote:
Originally Posted by tlj009
Your brother is in a relationship with her. That involves many things but one of the biggest is being a friend.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Quentiin
Because even if he does not love her anymore, he seems to like her very much (or am I mistaken ?).
He did insist to me that he wants to remain friends. I know that ussually doesn't work to well with break-ups, but perhaps if he watches his step through this, he might just manage to hold onto a friendship.

Quote:
Originally Posted by tlj009
He is not planning on running off with another girl is he?
I understand the necessity of the question, so I'm not offended you asked. ABSOLUTELY NOT!

Quote:
Originally Posted by roscoestring
He went on a date planning to break up but had a good time and put it off. That seems really selfish to me
.
Like I said, I don't always understand him myself.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Quentiin
You are a great big brother to feel concerned like this by your little bro difiiculties I wish I was a little bit more like you. be proud of you.
I'm more proud of him for bringing this to me. It shows me he is concerned about her well being and wants to do the right thing.



I apologize if i've missed any other relevant points.
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Unread 12-18-2010, 02:04 AM   #8
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I suspect the "I had a good time on the date, so I decided to put it off" line is little more than a cover for....

"I am anxious about actually doing the breaking up, so I chickened out." I can understand anxiety regarding such things.

In any case, I liked Bob's advice above.
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Unread 12-18-2010, 08:03 AM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by The Phantom Mullet View Post
I suspect the "I had a good time on the date, so I decided to put it off" line is little more than a cover for....

"I am anxious about actually doing the breaking up, so I chickened out." I can understand anxiety regarding such things.
That's pretty much what I figures, but I'm hoping there's the off chance he wants to give a relationship beyond friends another chance.
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Unread 12-20-2010, 02:47 PM   #10
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Okay...

There is not a good solution here. Period.


I have seen this sort of scenario play out.

Here are the options I see.

1) He breaks up as planned.

She thinks it is because she is damaged goods. He sees it as the plan all along. Horrible messiness will ensue. Lots of pain.

2) He stays with her. breaks up later.

She endures immense emotional pain and leading on... To be dumped later? This is not the sort of thing that gets fixed quickly. So 6 months, a year down the road... proceed to description of number 1.

3) They stick it out long term.

Probably the most honorable one, but also probably the suckiest for your brother. Would entail actually caring about the girl and helping and self sacrifice. I hate to say this, but as you paint the picture I see, that really doesn't look that good or that likely.

IMO 1 sucks, but is better than 2. Personally, once you break down God's plans for sex in marriage, things get messy fast. And some situations have no quick fix, or even a nice fix.
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Unread 12-11-2014, 06:59 AM   #11
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I see a lot of good advice given and some that appear quite honest and to the point in his options. One thing to consider though, is this. Right now, is she even ready to think about dating? It's obvious your brother cares, bringing this up to you says something. Perhaps, he should aproach her, not as a boyfriend looking to break up, but as a friend looking to be there to support her. Simply let her know that for now, he would rather be a friend there to help her. Not because of some romantic expectations, but because he knows she could use an real decent person. Perhaps in time when she's able to move forward, the two can decide if they want to date then. Time, it can help them see clarity. Hopefully, it can help heal the wounds too.
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Unread 12-11-2014, 07:15 AM   #12
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First off, welcome to the forum

Second: This thread is 4 years old and OP hasn't been online for over a year and a half
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Unread 12-11-2014, 08:21 AM   #13
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andrecl is right. Old thread! Clopsed!
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