[JesusFreakGirl]

Originally Posted by The Phantom Mullet

Unfortunately, in this country (and especially the state I reside in).... as a man, you basically are left to wish. Odds are, he has already gone to court. If not, you're right, he should. However, what do courts usually grant fathers? Every other weekend? That's supposedly "joint custody?" Custody laws are horribly screwed up. Basically, for a man to get sole custody, he'd have to prove that the mother was a danger to the child, and an overall malicious person. For the mother to get custody, she'd have to prove that the father was a man. A little exaggeration perhaps, but not a lot. It's absolutely infuriating.

For a man to say that he wished he could spend more time with his son.... is not out of line at all.

This is true. I don't know if Justin has gone to court for determining custody rights or not, but regardless, thats basically the story. Most of the time, mothers get the children, no matter how good of a man and good of a father the man is. And while on the subject of custody rights, they were never married, so his chances of success in court are even slimmer.

[OiBoyz]

Originally Posted by thesteve

It seems like we don't really know enough about the situation to comment on this. Maybe he has already done this and the court ruled in favor of the mother for some reason or another.

This is true. However I was responding to what JFG wrote. We don't know, and neither does she, what steps he has taken to be involved in this child's life.

I grew up without my father. He made NO effort to be involved in my life. My mother would not have stopped him from calling, writing, visiting or even coming to get us. He never made the effort. Am I over reacting to JFG's posts on this matter? Perhaps. But I've lived what this little boy has in front of him. Being without a daddy hurts, and it hurts for your whole life. If a man isn't willing to do whatever it takes to be involved in his children's life, he's not a man, he's only a sperm donor. And it would be a deal breaker for me.

[Rainer.]

Originally Posted by OiBoyz

But I've lived what this little boy has in front of him.

I don't think any of us have any idea of exactly what this little boy has in front of him. I think this little boy's father might be a good man trying the best he can with one of the worst situations imaginable. He might not be, we just don't know.


Ms. JFGirl:
I think that it's really smart that you're asking these questions and trying to figure these things out before you end up developing serious feelings for him. Because once the emotions flood in, things can happen in a whirlwind and it's hard to get grounded back to earth and find out if a relationship with him was the healthiest idea.

If you don't think about the "what if" in terms of dating before you get too emotionally involved with someone, then you can end up sucked into a trap of balancing desire for intimacy with trying to answer these questions. If you make the decision early on that this is something you are not interested in pursuing further than friendship, then you can plant boundaries, and plant them firmly. Which will be better in the long haul for all parties involved.

[jthomas1600]

One thing about this situation, JFG has an opportunity to learn much about this mans character. How does he treat his kid, how much effort does he put into seeing his kid, does he complain about child support or does he go above and beyond, does he respect his ex and try to work with her for the better of the kid????? My wife had a son when we met. I wasn't saved at the time, but still it was a huge red flag for a girl so young to have a 3 year old son. But in the end her commitment to be a good mother was one of the things that drew me to her. In fact she broke one of our early dates for the three of us to go to the movies because her (later became our) son had miss behaved and didn't deserve to go to the movies. I was pretty impressed by that.

So back to JFG. I would watch the things I mentioned very closely. They can be revealing.

[tigerfan88]

Honestly, all I can say is be careful and don't take things too fast. I've sorta been in your position before (not with dating a guy who has a child, but with striking up a fast moving friendship/potential relationship) and the one thing I regret from that is going too fast. I think, especially since he has a child, that it's very important to take things as slowly as possible. Make sure you know his intentions and know him well before you even think about dating him.

I know that I would not date someone with a child at this stage in my life, simply because I know I would not be able to give them what they need in a relationship, and likewise for them being able to give me what I need in a relationship. It's nothing against them or me; it's just an honest opinion. I'm right around your age, and I can tell that while I love kids, I'm definitely not ready to be a mother--birth or otherwise--right now. Perhaps it might be a bit different for you, though.

But the biggest thing I would say is that you should learn more about him and his child. Make sure you know him really, really well (and make sure he is on the same plain as you, spiritually) and make sure you are comfortable with the idea of being involved in both his life and his child's life. Then and only then can you know that it's a good idea to move forward with dating him.

[JesusFreakGirl]

Originally Posted by Rainer.

If you don't think about the "what if" in terms of dating before you get too emotionally involved with someone, then you can end up sucked into a trap of balancing desire for intimacy with trying to answer these questions. If you make the decision early on that this is something you are not interested in pursuing further than friendship, then you can plant boundaries, and plant them firmly. Which will be better in the long haul for all parties involved.

This has been my line of thinking. I want to know exactly what I feel and think about all this before I have feelings for him, that way I can put an end to it or allow him to pursue a relationship with me.

Originally Posted by jthomas1600

One thing about this situation, JFG has an opportunity to learn much about this mans character. How does he treat his kid, how much effort does he put into seeing his kid, does he complain about child support or does he go above and beyond, does he respect his ex and try to work with her for the better of the kid????? My wife had a son when we met. I wasn't saved at the time, but still it was a huge red flag for a girl so young to have a 3 year old son. But in the end her commitment to be a good mother was one of the things that drew me to her. In fact she broke one of our early dates for the three of us to go to the movies because her (later became our) son had miss behaved and didn't deserve to go to the movies. I was pretty impressed by that.

So back to JFG. I would watch the things I mentioned very closely. They can be revealing.

I had thought about this sort of sneak peak into what kind of parent he is/would be. Seeing him with his son and the choices he makes can and will reveal a lot about his character and priorities, which is helpful to me as I get to know him.

Originally Posted by tigerfan88

Honestly, all I can say is be careful and don't take things too fast. I've sorta been in your position before (not with dating a guy who has a child, but with striking up a fast moving friendship/potential relationship) and the one thing I regret from that is going too fast. I think, especially since he has a child, that it's very important to take things as slowly as possible. Make sure you know his intentions and know him well before you even think about dating him.

But the biggest thing I would say is that you should learn more about him and his child. Make sure you know him really, really well (and make sure he is on the same plain as you, spiritually) and make sure you are comfortable with the idea of being involved in both his life and his child's life. Then and only then can you know that it's a good idea to move forward with dating him.

Agreed. I don't want to move fast. If he's not capable of being a spiritual leader, he's out. And we've been talking about things we can do together that will help us to get to know each other, really build a familiarity and friendship.

Originally Posted by OiBoyz

We don't know, and neither does she, what steps he has taken to be involved in this child's life.

Just by looking at his facebook, you would know he adores and loves his son. Pictures galore. Every other status litterally is about his son. Half of his posts are about what his son is doing or about how much he loves him. And when I met him at his parents house, when the subject of his son came up, the pride he talked about his child with was strong and his eyes lit up when his mother brought over her half filled baby album of his son. He wants to be part of his son's life, anyone can see that.

[bobthecockroach]

Originally Posted by BillSPrestonEsq

I am going to throw one thing out there.

Before you go any further, you really need to decide if this is a sticking point for you. Personally, I would at the very least settle down, and slow down. But if this is a sticking point and it bothers you, then seriously, the quicker you come to terms with that, the better. Less pain and suffering. And I am going to say it is just fine to have that be an issue. I would not have really been able to marry a girl with a consensual sexual past.

I know that, and frankly, a lot of people will say you are a bad person for that, but I know my own mind.

This.

If it's an issue, it's an issue, whether it "should" be or not.

[mikegug]

Originally Posted by JesusFreakGirl

Yeah, you're wrong.

Yeah, I believe you.

I think that because you're being a good sport (and open) answering lots of presumptive scenario questions, it may appear that you're ready to walk down the aisle. I'm glad you're sticking with this thread though because there are lots of really good issues (most of which you may not have to deal with).

Although, if you did get serious with this guy, the mother of the child's attitude can really affect your life.

[OiBoyz]

Just by looking at his facebook, you would know he adores and loves his son. Pictures galore. Every other status litterally is about his son. Half of his posts are about what his son is doing or about how much he loves him. And when I met him at his parents house, when the subject of his son came up, the pride he talked about his child with was strong and his eyes lit up when his mother brought over her half filled baby album of his son. He wants to be part of his son's life, anyone can see that.

I'm glad to hear that.