[DaGeek]

So, I don't know if this'll catch on or be helpful to anyone else in a long-distance relationship, but I have the feeling it'll help me out to hear what other people who've been/who are in a long-distance relationship can say.

Basically, the point of this thread is for long-distance relationship tips, advice, and helpful stories. I'm finding that long-distance is very difficult at times, yet very rewarding and very doable. We haven't been officially dating for terribly long (a few weeks), but the vast majority of our time knowing each other has been spent apart, which is tough.

My story:

I met my girlfriend, Caitlyn, at summer camp in July. She was one of the other camp counselors, and, while we didn't romantically hit it off there (not a good place to do so ), we continued to converse via e-mail while I was finishing up my time in Iraq. When I got back to the U.S. in August, we started texting and eventually talking on the phone. We didn't express open romantic interest, but I knew I was interested, and I felt like she was, too. Anywho, we finally did the whole "I like you" conversation (all via phone; I hadn't seen her in person since camp). It was something I was unsure about, but I knew God was in it, and He was giving me peace about it.

So, from there, we weren't "dating" yet. I went down to spend a weekend with her and her family, and, the following week, we decided to make it official. That was about 2wks ago or so. In total, since July, I've only seen her five days. It's rough, but we make it work. In the early (well, earlier, haha) days, it was so easy to miscommunicate and think the other was upset or didn't want to talk, because, as anyone who's been around in this decade knows, texting breeds confusion. We're working that out a lot better now, and it's coming along great. We have plenty of issues to deal with, but we're working them out.


Some of the hard parts I've experienced:

1. It's really hard to want to hug her or be there for her and not be able to. I hate to sound cheesy, but that's just the way it is. If you're considering an LD relationship, be prepared for that. When she's stressed about something, there's only so much you can do, and you will feel helpless. It sucks, but you can get through it together.

2. Miscommunication. Do not assume something from a text. If you're not sure what he/she means, ask. Don't let confusion or fear take over. It's hard while building trust to do this, so just realize miscommunication's gonna happen... But you can work through it. More on this in a minute.

3. Planning time together. I live about 2.5hrs from her, so it's not impossible to go see her, but it makes it much more challenging, particularly because we're both in school and busy. Especially if you're going to be farther away than that, just be prepared for that and communicate about it early on.


Tips:

1. You know how everyone says communication is key? Hint: It is! I never differentiated between "talking" and "communication" before, but there is a world of a difference. Talking is just that: talking. It's when you're throwing random information at each other. Communication, on the other hand, is when you're focusing on clearly expressing what's going on in your head honestly and the other person is focusing on understanding and actually listening to what you're saying. Communication is when she says something that causes you to do a double-take because it surprises you (in this example, it seems like she's implying something bad) or you don't understand, so you actually ask her to clarify, and then she does so you're not struggling with it the rest of the day, hoping you didn't drastically mistake who you thought she was when she really just meant something innocent. This leads into my second point.

2. Grace. Grace is absolutely indispensable. You both have to be willing to work with the massive communication barriers between you (i.e. distance, time, only being able to talk once or twice a week, talking mainly via texting, etc.), and, if your partner needs clarification, don't down-talk or assume it's something stupid or not worth your time. If he/she is struggling with something, you can't take it for granted. In normal, everyday interaction with people, it's different: you can tell what people mean by different things, you get used to mannerisms, etc. In long-distance, you don't have that luxury. So be flexible, and try not to throw your partner for a loop.


More later, but please, feel free to add tips, stories, and suggestions!

[jthomas1600]

I'm married to a woman in Texas and have spent 12 of the last 16 months in Brazil. Does that count as a long distance relationship? Actually I was working on boats when I met my wife so we're kind of used to it, but the last year and a half has been a whole new level of being apart.

I'll probably have more to add if the thread takes off, but I'll start with this: It's crucial to remember that the person on the other end has a life with commitments, engagements, emergencies, a job, school, etc. and those things can't just be put on hold every time you want to chat on facebook. Sometimes I can get a little down about not having much contact with my wife for a day or two and it can kind of start to turn to sour feelings like "what I'm not important to her?" and then I find out one of the kids got sick or the car broke down or the dog needed to be rushed to the vet or several of these things at once. So this is just one more area where you never want to make assumptions.

[Worshipping]

My wife and I met online on a Christian chatroom, years ago. In fact, it was so long ago that we were the only couple at the time we knew who had met online! We talked a lot, but we also found things to do together even though we were apart. That really helped. We'd do stuff online together - mostly those silly personality quizzes that were all the rage, like, ten years ago. And we'd even play games over the phone. For example, we both had a box of Scattergories and could play together without being in the same room. These examples might not fit everyone's tastes, but they worked for us. We were like big kids.

[BillSPrestonEsq]

I spent the 4 or 5 years I was dating my wife a good 2000 miles away most of the time. One of the things I found invaluable was a stupid little thing nobody ever mentions.

Games.

We played games while we were on the phone sometimes off of yahoo games together. Playing checkers, chess, or just random stupid games lended some sense of normalcy to the relationship. If I could give another couple a magic bullet for helping a long distance relationship, its to hop online and play stupid games and have game nights sometimes.

1) Miscommunication will happen still. It just does, especially when missing the vast numbers of visual cues and body language. But it will happen, and resolve the fights.
2) 2.5 hours drive isn't that bad.
3) My wife and I in our dating days both became kind of depressed if we had to go 6 months without seeing each other. Make sure neither of you exceed your limits.
4) Realize that making it work will require a culturally unpopular set of priorities. You do have to both make time for each other, and those around you will not understand.

[Art]

2.5 hour drive is nothing.

[mulletman]

I was going to say what Art said, but I think Mr. Thomas blew me out of the water (so to speak) with his Brazil situation....

[Pauler]

i was long distance for 1.5 years of when my wife and i were dating. i dont recommend it and would avoid it if at all possible, but i know its not avoidable. it sucks.

i echo what has been said...esp the talking vs. communication part. we had ridiculously high cell phone bills every month, but that is just what happens. my wife an i fought seemingly everyday for a few months while working out our communication. it made our communication while married much better b/c it forced us to communicate instead of just talk.

[mikegug]

Me: New York

Girlfriend (now wife): California

1 year of LD relationship. This was back in the day of phone companies charging $8.00 / hour for long distance calls. I was working at KFC at the time, so I was poor after paying the phone bill.

All the funny feelings of wanting to hug her etc... man, that brought back memories of longing in my gut (which is now housed by slightly larger pants BTW).

Yeah, it works. One thing I wouldn't do in your case, don't have serious conversations via texting. Yeah, you're begging for miscommunication!

[passinthru]

I met my (now) husband through CGR...we lived 3,000 miles apart until 6 months before we got married. We saw each other 5 times over a span of almost three years.

Skype saved our butts - alot. It meant no long distance phone bills, and we could actually see each other. It meant we could "spend time together" while we were both doing homework. It meant we could have the advantage of seeing body language which helped with some communication things. I'd come home from work, Skype him and turn on the video feed. We both had headsets and we'd just go about doing what we needed to do.

We both played the same MMORPG - it gave us something we could DO together. We'd also play silly MSN/Skype games - played a lot of Chinese checkers over the years.

BSPE mentioned something that we feel is important to mention again - other people didn't understand it. We had a lot of people tell us that this wasn't going to work out, that LDR were impossible, that they didn't last. It meant both of us making choices to value the relationship, which sometimes meant giving up things that were of less value to us.

We found it really easy in the times that we were together to try to soak up as much time just the two of us as we could - sorta to "store up" for the months apart. We did have to learn to balance that with actually spending time with other people and letting other people into our relationship.

LD was not fun. It was hard, and it was worth it. I would not trade the relationship that I now have for an easier road to get here.

One more note about LD - it's easy for things to feel a lot more serious when both of you are committed to making it work. That's not a bad thing, but again, people around you may not understand or be supportive of some of your choices.

[Quentiin]

Il live next to Paris, my girlfriend is in Marseilles (850 km far, I don't know about miles ^^)
It is about 4h by train so that is okay, plus I work at SNCF : at the 'french railway' so I get cheap prices for the train THANK YOU GOD FOR GIVING ME A JOB IN THE TRAIN COMPANY !!!!

Of course it is hard not to see her as others do. We see each other once a month, that is not a lot, but still good.
That is our situation for almost 21 months now. I feel like I have never loved her that much (In fact I am in love with her since I am 15, that makes 5 years !).

But, the 'problem' is that she is really hot, and I think seeing each other more than what we do now, would not help to stay pure. So It may be tough to talk with her 90% of time by texts, but it will be worth it when we will get married

[jehannash]

I do have LD relationship for almost 2yrsnow.. My bf and i see each other once a month though..sometimes once every two months or if we're lucky enough twice or trice a month.. And we're doin good.. Yes, its really hard most of the time specially when there were times that we need each others help or support and one of us cant simply come.. Yet, understanding is the main key.. trust and honesty will keep your relationship going.. and of course, the communication thing matters..

[Ben Toast]

Originally Posted by DaGeek

1. It's really hard to want to hug her or be there for her and not be able to. I hate to sound cheesy, but that's just the way it is. If you're considering an LD relationship, be prepared for that. When she's stressed about something, there's only so much you can do, and you will feel helpless. It sucks, but you can get through it together.

2. Miscommunication. Do not assume something from a text. If you're not sure what he/she means, ask. Don't let confusion or fear take over. It's hard while building trust to do this, so just realize miscommunication's gonna happen... But you can work through it. More on this in a minute.

3. Planning time together. I live about 2.5hrs from her, so it's not impossible to go see her, but it makes it much more challenging, particularly because we're both in school and busy. Especially if you're going to be farther away than that, just be prepared for that and communicate about it early on.


Tips:

1. You know how everyone says communication is key? Hint: It is! I never differentiated between "talking" and "communication" before, but there is a world of a difference. Talking is just that: talking. It's when you're throwing random information at each other. Communication, on the other hand, is when you're focusing on clearly expressing what's going on in your head honestly and the other person is focusing on understanding and actually listening to what you're saying. Communication is when she says something that causes you to do a double-take because it surprises you (in this example, it seems like she's implying something bad) or you don't understand, so you actually ask her to clarify, and then she does so you're not struggling with it the rest of the day, hoping you didn't drastically mistake who you thought she was when she really just meant something innocent. This leads into my second point.

2. Grace. Grace is absolutely indispensable. You both have to be willing to work with the massive communication barriers between you (i.e. distance, time, only being able to talk once or twice a week, talking mainly via texting, etc.), and, if your partner needs clarification, don't down-talk or assume it's something stupid or not worth your time. If he/she is struggling with something, you can't take it for granted. In normal, everyday interaction with people, it's different: you can tell what people mean by different things, you get used to mannerisms, etc. In long-distance, you don't have that luxury. So be flexible, and try not to throw your partner for a loop.


More later, but please, feel free to add tips, stories, and suggestions!

What you said is incredibly true. Another thing is, always remember that the greater the distance, the greater the personal responsibility. It's difficult to hold each other accountable when you're father apart and don't see each other often or at all. My "girlfriend" (unofficially, more like best friends intending to eventually be married) lives in California. We met online a little over 3 1/2 years ago, and just about 5 months ago came to grips with the fact that we're pretty much the only ones we want to marry. As such, our relationship began. We've already experienced a few of the above-mentioned hard points.

Communication is SOOO important in relationships, and is so much more important in long-distance relationships, but in the same aspect, you have to be respectful of potential time zone differences, personal schedules, etc. It's pretty common knowledge to not always take a text literally, as you don't know the "tone of voice" or "facial/bodily expressions" that are behind it. Even talking on the phone can be difficult, as you can't see the person's face. I do believe that Skype (or video calls in general) has really helped in the area of long-distance communication. Being able to see the person as well as talk to them makes it much more like being there with them, even if you can't directly "look them in the eye" or hug them.

Accountability is also huge. You have to be open and honest with your long-distance partner in keeping them informed of things happening in your life, and things you're struggling/dealing with, even when they don't know about it. This helps build trust between the two of you. Also, if you tell them you're going to do something, actually DO it, even if they're not there to keep on you about it. If you can keep yourself accountable to do the things you say you're going to do while in private, it's going to be much easier to keep yourself accountable when you're with them and have them keeping you accountable as well.

Don't go off into thoughts of, "If only you were here right now..." because those thoughts will destroy your relationship. Keep your mind in the present, in reality.

Stay close to God. She and I have this thing that's been happening, especially lately, where we just "know" when something is up with the other person, even if we haven't talked for a few days. We'll just have that feeling that something is going on. Often, we feel what they're feeling. For example: She was getting super stressed and just excessively worn out over a period of a few days with several things that were going on, and I, too, was feeling terribly stressed and overly worn out, but I didn't know why. I was getting 7-9 hours of sleep each day, I was in prayer, I was in the Word, but I still felt just exhausted. Finally I called her and said, "Hey, you doing okay?" and we discovered that I was feeling what was happening to her.
I am personally convinced that by staying close and sensitive to God, He was putting on my heart what she was feeling, and let it press me until I talked to her and prayed for her. The following day, we both felt much better.

Just as no regular relationship is the same, no long-distance relationship is the same.
Stay sensitive to each other, stay sensitive to God, and trust that He will take care of the rest.

However, distance DOES have one great advantage: Less temptation to get physical together outside of marriage. (or in our case, it's just not even possible right now, lol)

[BillSPrestonEsq]

Originally Posted by Ben Toast

However, distance DOES have one great advantage: Less temptation to get physical together outside of marriage. (or in our case, it's just not even possible right now, lol)

Long time LDR guy here.

This is not quite true. In fact it is far more tempting when you are together than for close distance couples. Just be forewarned.

[athanatos]

Originally Posted by BillSPrestonEsq

Long time LDR guy here.

This is not quite true. In fact it is far more tempting when you are together than for close distance couples. Just be forewarned.

Yeah, the contrast is greater. Plus, for some people they talk very lovingly as well as sensually on the phone/internet, and then when they are in person they wanna back up all the things they said with tangible, physical actions.

-------------
So, while I've known it for quite a few months, it is now starting to hit me that my girlfriend and I are going to be maintaining a long-distance relationship for the next two years, starting this summer. I'll be in seminary. We've known each other since nov '09, and been together since june '10, so... we'll have a full year before we are apart for 2 years.

I am planning to get a new computer, since my 12 year old computer isn't going to cut it when I am at school writing and researching, and definitely not enough for Skype.

Distance? 2.5 hr if I go to Calvin, 9 hr if I go to Covenant, and 12hr if I go to Westminster. I need to decide that quick, too.

[Ben Toast]

Originally Posted by BillSPrestonEsq

Long time LDR guy here.

This is not quite true. In fact it is far more tempting when you are together than for close distance couples. Just be forewarned.

I have thought about that before, actually. The pain of separation suddenly overwhelmed by the joy of coming together, could bring with it a lot of temptation. That, combined with the fact that you don't have that much experience actually being with them in person (and the self-control that would come with it) could make things dangerously tricky. Thank you, though, for confirming my thoughts. This will greatly help me in the future. In lieu of this, I will be sure to make sure we are not at all alone when I do go out to visit her this summer.