I recently was performing maintenance on the family PC (my dad uses it mostly, as well as my nieces and nephew) and discovered some pornographic web sites in the history. My dad had accidentally left his email open, and imagine my surprise when I saw emails he had exchanged with both males and females, arranging to meet them for "casual encounters." I also found pictures of him--naked ones (yuck) that he had posted on an adult web site, and discovered that he has a webcam installed on the computer for use for these purposes (he doesn't leave it lying around, but I saw the software installed).

My parents have been married for over 30 years and haven't been intimate in a long time--they sleep apart. My mom recently went through cancer treatment, and although she is better now, she's not well enough to work and so depends on my dad for support. I still live at home and am in my last year of college--I am the youngest of the 5 kids and they are all in their own places. There is no way I can support myself or my mother right now, but should be able to within the next year.

I know for sure that my mom does not know about this. I'm really not sure how to proceed. Obviously, I am sickened by what my dad has done and is continuing to do, but I don't know what to do. Do I confront him? Do I tell my mom and let her confront him? I know that when my mom hears this, she will be furious and no doubt will want to divorce him--and I support her fully in doing that, because if it were my husband doing this, there's no way I would stick with him.

[OiBoyz]

He knew you were doing the PC maintenance? Sounds like you were doing more than that. If one of my family members accidentally left their email open, I would have just logged off, and went about my business. I wouldn't have been reading them.

If your mom and dad really aren't intimate, then your mom isn't at risk of disease.You don't know what your mother knows or doesn't. It seems to me that this is their business, not yours. It's upsetting to you, but it's not your business. If it would make you feel better to talk to your dad, you could do that. I don't think it will help you. I don't know that anything makes you feel better about this. I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

Thank you for the reply. I only looked at the email because of what I saw in the history part of IE. Normally I would not look because it is not my business.

I know for certain that my mom does not know what my dad is doing. I know my mom well enough to know she would never condone it. I also know her enough that when she does find out, she's going to be deeply hurt by it. The fact that he started doing this when she was going through all the things related to her cancer makes it even more hurtful. I know for sure that no one else in my family suspects a thing--they all think he is a straight, married man who would never do this.

I am pretty sure I will be confronting him about this, but will be doing so alone because I really would prefer not to be the one to tell my mom that her husband of almost 40 years has betrayed her in such a horrific way. Do you think I should tell him everything I found and issue an ultimatum: stop doing this, clean up your act and (I think this is a good idea) come clean to mom, or else I will personally tell my mom and siblings, and I can guarantee none of them will ever look at my dad the same way again? What he is doing is both a sin and dangerous--he is inviting these people into this home (and another home we have 2-3 hours from here) and is viewing pornographic sites on the family PC--his grandkids could easily get on there and accidentally pull up one of the sites, and they should not be viewing that stuff.

And yes, my dad actually asked me to look at the computer (earlier this week) because the fan has been coming on constantly lately. Otherwise, I never would have gone near the computer.

[BillSPrestonEsq]

Is your dad a believer? I ask because to me, if he is, there is a biblical passage that applies, not that that makes things any easier. I have had to approach my dad with porn, and have found evidence of cheating on my father in law's part while they were separated (against her will.) What I do know is that this information is twofold.

If you approach your dad, expect rage. I'd have at least a cell phone. My father in law was not stupid enough to attack me. (He looked like he wanted to, but I have a massive physical advantage in a fight, as I have about 60 pounds of muscle on him) My dad flipped out, but I was driving him. The principal of mutually assured destruction won the day. THen again, I don't know your family dynamics, but this is a powderkeg. The other side of the coin is it will eat at you until you talk to someone.

And Oiboyz, no offense, but this is the family's business. What the dad does effects the rest of the family. My in laws were in the separate bedrooms and such and even after her husband moved in with his mistress it was still an emotional open wound that isn't healed. Heck, they are divorced, and his name is still hardly mentioned except as a curse. Given that there are 5 adult kids, grandchildren are likely, and kids do not need to be exposed to this either. Heck, it has already effected the OP.

Also, just because they haven't been intimate in a while doesn't mean they won't be. I can near guaranty that guilt is probably what kept the husband away after cancer treatment, but guilt is not permanent. One has to sleep at night, so they make excuses for their activity till they excuse everything. I'm sure Oiboyz that in prison ministry you have seen darn near everything excused. And the consequences of affairs go far beyond the physical.

He goes to church every Sunday and plays the "good father/grandfather" part quite well (yes there are grandkids who are on the very same computer he's been using for these disgusting purposes). I think he does believe, but I doubt the biblical approach would even faze him. The only thing I can think of that would get to him is knowing how his children and grandkids would react to finding out what he's been doing behind all of our backs, in the house we all share 2-3 hours away (it's a getaway for the family, and my siblings co-own the house with my dad). I can guarantee that they would be sickened by it.

Yes, this already has affected me pretty deeply. I'm scared, sick, depressed, disappointed and worried, all in one. I've been walking around on egg shells the past two days--and to make matters worse, I've been around my mom and sister pretty much constantly. You don't know how bad, every time my dad is brought up, I've wanted to tell them everything. What makes it even worse is knowing he's coming home today from his trip to to the place 2-3 hours away, and I'm going to have to be around someone who I can't even stomach right now.

As for my dad physically threatening me, I don't think it will happen, but yes, I do have a phone on me at all times and I feel I could protect myself if it comes to that. I really doubt it will as he'd have nothing to gain from it--if he hurts me, the police arrest him and everyone finds out and consequently hates him for it.

[BillSPrestonEsq]

Originally Posted by UnregUser

He goes to church every Sunday and plays the "good father/grandfather" part quite well (yes there are grandkids who are on the very same computer he's been using for these disgusting purposes). I think he does believe, but I doubt the biblical approach would even faze him. The only thing I can think of that would get to him is knowing how his children and grandkids would react to finding out what he's been doing behind all of our backs, in the house we all share 2-3 hours away (it's a getaway for the family, and my siblings co-own the house with my dad). I can guarantee that they would be sickened by it.

The biblical approach is actually far harsher than how I would approach him as an unbeliever. It's Matthew 18:15-17 time, and frankly, that can lead to either repentance or complete severing of ties and the announcement to the whole church of his deviant behavior. I would go to him alone, first, with a timetable to tell your mom about what is going on, and then follow up with her after the timetable is up. (and I'd try to get some proof of your allegations as well)

And before someone says, he hasn't sinned against you, this is the same pattern Paul used in I Corinthians about the guy sleeping with his stepmom consensually. He is sinning against his whole family and sexual sin such as this is one of the most serious for the church.

Yes, this already has affected me pretty deeply. I'm scared, sick, depressed, disappointed and worried, all in one. I've been walking around on egg shells the past two days--and to make matters worse, I've been around my mom and sister pretty much constantly. You don't know how bad, every time my dad is brought up, I've wanted to tell them everything. What makes it even worse is knowing he's coming home today from his trip to to the place 2-3 hours away, and I'm going to have to be around someone who I can't even stomach right now.

I'll be praying for you. Really, I wish I could give you a magic cure that makes it all go away, but I still shake thinking back about it.

As for my dad physically threatening me, I don't think it will happen, but yes, I do have a phone on me at all times and I feel I could protect myself if it comes to that. I really doubt it will as he'd have nothing to gain from it--if he hurts me, the police arrest him and everyone finds out and consequently hates him for it.

When emotions run high I expect rationality to go out the window, and for men, guilt over sexual stuff seems to link to a rage that goes beyond rationality. I would rather someone be overcautious than have a reaction that would hurt you. I also grew up in an abusive home so, I tend to think in terms of folks lashing out physically. But it is a very real worst case scenario, so I think it is good to be prepared for it.

As for what's kept my dad and mom from being intimate, I'm not sure. I just know it has not happened for years (way before the cancer ever happened) and probably will never happen again considering the fact that my mom shows no interest in it. Believe me, I wish I did not know this information, but unfortunately being the youngest and only one left in this house, I've seen everything that has gone on.

The only thing I can think of that could have spurred this in my dad is about 5 months ago, he found out that he might have lymphoma or prostate cancer. All of us were scared for him, but a month later he was cleared and did not have it--during this time, he had joked that my mom hadn't "given" him any. Then another month later, we found out my mom had kidney cancer. That is when, as far as I can tell, he started doing this. It's now been going on for roughly 2 months as far as I can tell and continues even today. It appears he is not seeking a mistress--he's going for casual encounters with people of both sexes and mentioned in a couple of his ads that he was married and looking for no strings attached. That's not to say it couldn't ever turn into a full-fledged affair, but the fact remains, he's cheating and it's wrong.

I think perhaps he started doing this due to his scare. Maybe he figures he needs to "live now with no regrets." Maybe that's how he justifies it. I'm not sure, but I know he must not realize that no matter how "discrete" this is, it's still gonna be hurtful to everyone around him if they ever found out.

The saddest thing is that he's continuing to live this double life and act like everything is normal. What's even sadder is me having to pretend the same in front of everyone else in the family.

Thanks again for your help. I have a ton of proof of my allegations, ranging from screen-shots of his emails and postings on Craigslist, to the history on the computer, to the pictures etc. He also borrowed my laptop this weekend, and I'm pretty positive he's been using it for these things, so I will have that as proof as well. There's no way he can deny it.

I am sure he will either be deeply angry, or deeply ashamed. But if there's one person throughout the years who he has listened to (and I've been able to convince him to do things that even my mom is not able to), it's me. I'm his youngest daughter. Yes, he could snap and do something, but you can bet I will take every precaution in the world to ensure my safety and that this matter is handled.

[Thrash]

I have no advice to give, seeing as how Bill already pretty much covered everything.

Just want to let you know that I am praying for you.

[tlj009]

First of all, I am not trying to defend him in any way. What he is doing is simply wrong. No question about it. But I am going to approach this in a little different way. You still love your father. I think that you should act accordingly. If you just focus on this being disgusting and wrong and that he should stop, then I think that you are going to cause more problems than you solve. He likely already knows that it is disgusting and wrong and that he should stop. Much the same way that a porn addict knows that it is disgusting and wrong and that they should stop. To really help, I think that you need to dig a little deeper into what is causing this behavior.

No. 1, your parents do not have a healthy relationship and apparently have not had a healthy relationship for some time. Lack of a sexual relationship when one partner still has sexual desires is extremely damaging. Your mother's lack of interest in sex or her unwillingness to fulfill her husbands sexual desires is likely founded on very valid reasons and is understandable. It may even be that it is his fault more than her fault. Whatever the reason, the result is the same. Their sex life suffered and they didn't address the problem.

That leads to No. 2. With the problem not addressed, he likely moved on to internet porn. I doubt this just started in the last couple months. I suspect that he was viewing porn sites a long time before he decided to start setting up casual sexual encounters. There is usually a progression to these things and it usually takes longer than 2 months to progress. The reason is simple. He is looking to fulfill some desire of his. Porn seems to help diminish those desires in the short term but eventually it is no longer fulfilling so he moves on to something more. Same reason that drug addicts progress to stronger drugs.

Now we are at the point where he has had sexual encounters and you have discovered his problem. You discovered his problem because he asked you to work on his computer. He knows enough about the computer to set up webcams, surf and communicate on various websites, upload his pictures, etc. and yet he doesn't even delete his history or try to hide his activities. It really sounds like he expected you to catch him. I think that he may know that what he is doing is wrong and that he needs some help in this. He has probably expected to get caught for a long time. He probably dreaded the idea at first, followed by not caring whether or not he got caught, and now he is at the point where he actually wants to get caught so that someone will stop him.

I think that you should stop him. But not do it by simply telling him to stop the encounters. He should stop but that would simply knock him back a step. He would likely be back to viewing porn sites which eventually leads right back to where he is. So you tell him to stop the encounters and not view porn sites. Set up filters or whatever it takes. Now we are back to him being very frustrated with his sex life and not knowing what to do about it (or his relationship with his wife as a whole or whatever his need is). You can't leave it there but that problem is what needs to be addressed. He needs to find a healthy way to work through it so that he doesn't fall back into his unhealthy ways of trying to deal with it.

I say all of this knowing next to nothing about him, you, or anyone else and knowing next to nothing about what is actually going on. But simply in an effort to get you to understand that while his actions hurt your mother, you, and the whole family, your dad also very likely needs help. Nobody does the things they do without a reason. And your father likely has his reasons that needs to be addressed rather than just giving him some kind of judgmental condemnation of his actions (you can condemn his actions while still striving to help him). I also don't think that it is a good idea for his daughter to address his problems with his sexual behavior. Professional help is very likely in order here. Perhaps when you confront him about this, you could have a list of professionals that could help him and encourage him to see them while at the same time stopping this behavior. It may even be prudent to go to the first meeting with him so that you can discuss with a professional how best to help your mother through all of this.

[BillSPrestonEsq]

While there is always a motivator for actions and choices. Adultery is never excusable, and you are making excuses for it.


One can be very frustrated in their sex life and live. For example, the Bible calls the unmarried to live that way in perpetuity and it is doable.

Porn and affairs(even one night stands) are not excusable because his sex life sucks.

[tlj009]

While there is always a motivator for actions and choices. Adultery is never excusable, and you are making excuses for it.

I most certainly am not.

One can be very frustrated in their sex life and live. For example, the Bible calls the unmarried to live that way in perpetuity and it is doable.

I agree.

Porn and affairs(even one night stands) are not excusable because his sex life sucks.

I agree and never said otherwise.

Thank you for the post, tlj009. Having another perspective on the situation is definitely helpful. Basically, since I've found out, I've gone through stages: shock and anger, realization that clearly something is wrong with him (and he needs help), back to anger again. My dad came home yesterday and it's been incredibly hard being around him. I have been very cold toward him and have avoided him as much as possible--my mom thinks it is because he is not working on his financial situation and I'm disappointed in that, but it's pretty much due to the disgust I feel toward him for what he's done.

I realize that clearly, there's some problem with him to make him do this. Maybe it's the lack of sex life, but I'm willing to bet it's at least partially due to the stress he's been under both financially and due to his health issues/my mom's health issues. Maybe he is depressed and this is his way of coping with it. That doesn't justify it and doesn't make it right, but it may explain why he would suddenly start doing this. I know he's looked at porn in the past--several years ago, I came home to a pornographic image he had accidentally left on screen, and I told my mom about it and she talked to him and the behavior ceased. I usually don't use the family PC anymore as I have two laptops and a desktop computer in my room, but I occasionally use it when I'm too lazy to go in my room or when the computer isn't functioning up to par. The latter was the case last week. After seeing the initial history, I went through over a month's worth of history and saw all the sites he had visited. Then I found the emails, then saw a web cam installed and saw the pictures. Then I dug deeper and found all the information on Craigslist. I put together a timeline and determined he started this right around July 27 as the webcam was installed then and that's when it started. I do not know how many encounters he has had, but it sounds like there have been at least a few, if not more.

I'm saying all this to say I don't think he's been cheating, physically, for more than the past 2 months. I mean, sure, it's possible, but I'm pretty sure I would have noticed it back then. I do think he's probably been looking at porn on/off for a while, though.

So now I'm left with this: do I tell my mom? Do I just confront my dad? Doing nothing is not an option, because this is making me sick to my stomach and I can't take keeping this information inside. I don't feel it's right to confront my dad but not tell my mom.

[BillSPrestonEsq]

Originally Posted by UnregUser

Thank you for the post, tlj009. Having another perspective on the situation is definitely helpful. Basically, since I've found out, I've gone through stages: shock and anger, realization that clearly something is wrong with him (and he needs help), back to anger again. My dad came home yesterday and it's been incredibly hard being around him. I have been very cold toward him and have avoided him as much as possible--my mom thinks it is because he is not working on his financial situation and I'm disappointed in that, but it's pretty much due to the disgust I feel toward him for what he's done.

I realize that clearly, there's some problem with him to make him do this. Maybe it's the lack of sex life, but I'm willing to bet it's at least partially due to the stress he's been under both financially and due to his health issues/my mom's health issues. Maybe he is depressed and this is his way of coping with it. That doesn't justify it and doesn't make it right, but it may explain why he would suddenly start doing this. I know he's looked at porn in the past--several years ago, I came home to a pornographic image he had accidentally left on screen, and I told my mom about it and she talked to him and the behavior ceased. I usually don't use the family PC anymore as I have two laptops and a desktop computer in my room, but I occasionally use it when I'm too lazy to go in my room or when the computer isn't functioning up to par. The latter was the case last week. After seeing the initial history, I went through over a month's worth of history and saw all the sites he had visited. Then I found the emails, then saw a web cam installed and saw the pictures. Then I dug deeper and found all the information on Craigslist. I put together a timeline and determined he started this right around July 27 as the webcam was installed then and that's when it started. I do not know how many encounters he has had, but it sounds like there have been at least a few, if not more.

I'm saying all this to say I don't think he's been cheating, physically, for more than the past 2 months. I mean, sure, it's possible, but I'm pretty sure I would have noticed it back then. I do think he's probably been looking at porn on/off for a while, though.

So now I'm left with this: do I tell my mom? Do I just confront my dad? Doing nothing is not an option, because this is making me sick to my stomach and I can't take keeping this information inside. I don't feel it's right to confront my dad but not tell my mom.

Biblically I think you should confront your dad, and let him tell your mom, but have a timeline.