[JesusFreakGirl]

Here's a 'stream of consciousness' story I wrote for one of my Fiction classes a couple years ago - I almost forgot about it, then found it and thought I'd share.


Redemption at the Death Bed


My wife? No, that still body. That still, tore mangled body, breathing by machine in the hospital bed cannot be my wife. But her hair. Light. Soft. Brown. My wife’s hair. And her hand. Her beautifully manicured hand. Her ring, my ring, diamond glistening. Diamond glistening through splatters of blood, red liquid life. My wife’s blood, poured out onto her hands and matting her hair. Can the nurses not clean her up? Her life is slipping away and I cannot see my beautiful wife?

There must be some kind of mistake. That still body cannot be my wife. My wife drives careful, she would never have an accident. My wife is young. Smart. Beautiful. This mess cannot be my wife! Prove that she is my wife! Prove it. Pull that stiff sheet back, let me see her frame. Open her eyes, are they green? Lift her head, let her speak. I need to hear her voice, only then will I believe!

But her hand, her bloodstained hand, bearing my ring. My wife. My wife lying alone in a hard bed in an unfamiliar place, breathing by machine. Air in. air out. The machine is humming, taking over the function of her lungs. An annoying sound, the beeping of the heart monitor, beeping slow. Time is gaining between each beat of my wife’s heart.

My wife’s heart. She loved so deeply. No. Loves. Loves deeply. Her passion, I do not understand. Passion. Faith. Nonsense. Nonsense. I do not understand. She is a good person. Why is she losing her life? Why? Why my wife? Why her beautiful heart?

Pacing. I’m pacing. Sit. I must sit down. Next to my wife. My dying wife. I can’t lose my wife. Life would mean noting without her. Jesus. My wife said Jesus is the meaning to life. Her faith, her useless faith! Look where faith put her now. She got in an accident on her way to some useless bible study. Her faith is killing her. She is dying and she doesn’t even care. She’s not even holding on. Machines are living for her. She’s leaving me. She loved me but she’s leaving me. My wife is going to die. My beautiful wife is wasted. Her life is slipping away. Her blood has been spilt.

Her blood. She said she was covered in the blood of the Lamb, that she was clean. That doesn’t make any sense! How can blood make you clean? Loot at her! My wife. My wife is covered in blood, her blood, dark dry crystals of clotted blood everywhere, staining her soft skin and matting her hair. Blood is not clean. Her blood has made her unrecognizable. How can this bloody mess be my wife?

That book. I know that book, the leather bound book by the bed. My wife’s name written in gold on the front cover. Nevaeh written in gold on that black bible. She loved that book. Book. It is just a book! How can people have passion for a book? It is paper and it burns, yet people die for it. My wife said she would die for that book. Now she is dying and there is nothing that that book can do to save her. It’s just a book. Why so much fuss over a book? It is just a book.

It is just a book. But it was more than just a book to my wife. She loved that book. It gave her peace. Hope. Hope. Am I hopeless? Can I live without my wife? What will I do? Why? Why is my wife leaving me? Why does she have to die while I live? Where are the answers?

The answers. My wife said that God has all the answers. God. My wife put all her faith in God. But who is God? If he’s out there, somewhere, why would he care? Why would he bother with us? He’s so far away, why would we matter to him? My wife said that God isn’t far away. She said that God is with her, always, living in her heart. Her heart. Her dying heart that can no longer beat on its own. She had so much faith in God. If God really loved her, why would he let this happen to her?

She said that God cares about what happens to us, that he sees everything. That he is everywhere. How can someone be everywhere at one time? How can he exist? How is it possible? How can a virgin have a baby? How can one person save the souls of the whole world? How can someone die to save someone they never knew? How can someone that is dead be alive? How can a loving God let people get hurt? Why did my wife have faith? Where did she get the answers? I don’t understand. I want the answers. I want my wife. I want to cry out to her and for her to answer me back.

The bible. My wife’s bible. It is calling out to me. It is reaching out to my heart. I don’t want it. No . I have my own way. I don’t want the bible. But the bible was my wife’s way. It brought her joy. It brought her relief. Relief. Relief sounds good. I want it. The bible. My wife’s voice. I hear her far away. Take it. She wants me to take it. Take it.

The floor. I’m so scared I knocked it to the floor. What? Paper. A paper slipped out of the bible. Handwritten words. My wife’s writing on a lined page of a journal. Oh, my wife. My wife’s journal. I can’t read it. No. I can’t. I can’t do that.

I’m so shaky, I can’t do this. Yet it calls me. My wife’s words. I must read. Read.

'Dear Heavenly Father' – What? A prayer? A prayer. She prays to a Father? Can she call God a Father? – 'Lord, You are amazing and can do all things. You create each morning anew and set the stars in the sky at night. Creator, You made me in Your Image with tender care, You knitted me in my mother’s womb; yes, You knew me even then.' – God knew my wife before she was even born? God knew who she was, who she would become? Does God know me in such an intimate way as well? – 'Lord, You make everything beautiful. You make everything glorious, though I fear that my human failures get in Your way. But Lord, You are bigger than my failures, You are greater than my sins. Forgive me for my shortcomings. Forgive me for all the times that I have not followed Your call.' – She admits her failures. She seeks forgiveness? She believes God can forgive her? God is greater than failure? He can rise above it? – 'Heavenly Father, thank you for sending Your Son, Jesus Christ, to this earth. You sent Jesus, the only perfect person that ever lived, to die on the cross as a payment for the sins of this world. Lord, it was in Your Love and Great Mercy that You paid the ultimate sacrifice in order to provide a means of forgiveness and relationship.' – So God sent Jesus. Jesus died because he wanted to forgive the sinner? Jesus was a sacrifice? Did Jesus die for me? Can one man forgive me for a life lived rejection God? – 'Lord, I praise Your Holy Name! Thank you for sending Jesus, for He alone provides salvation, through Christ alone we can enjoy an eternal life in the presence of the One Holy God.' – Eternal life? Live forever? I can’t imagine what forever even is. – 'Lord, any person, no matter how small or sinful they are, can come to Faith in You and be saved. All we have to do is admit that we are sinners, confess our failures, seek Your forgiveness, and accept Christ as our personal Lord and Savior. Lord, during Your time walking the earth, You healed the sick and raised the dead back to life. And Lord, You preformed a miracle the day I accepted Your free gift of salvation I didn’t deserve Your Love, yet You Love me unconditionally and completely, always. Thank you for changing my life, and I pray that You will change the life of John, my husband. He dies not know You, but You know him! Please lead him to accept Christ one day. I pray for the salvation of my husband. I pray John will find Hope in Jesus, just as I have. Lord, you have the power to do all things, please show Yourself to my husband so that he can start a new life in Christ, so that he can experience true Love, true Joy.' – My wife, my beautiful wife prays for me. She wants me to come to Jesus. I want the joy and freedom my wife always talks about, and I want the fulfillment and love my wife ahs. Jesus. Jesus brings salvation? Is Jesus the only way to peace? Will I truly have a new life with Christ? I want to start over. I want to erase all the bad things in my past. I want forgiveness. I want what Jesus ahs to offer. Jesus? I believe you are out there, I’ve seen the way you changed my wife, and I want you to do the same for me. I want you to be my savior. Jesus, I want You to be my Lord. Forgive me! Bring me peace! – 'Father God, I trust You with my life and I look forward to the day I will see You face to face. Thank you for each blessing. Lord, I come before You with a humble heart and offer You all my praise. In the Powerful Name of Jesus I pray' – My wife is going to see God. When she leaves me, she will see Jesus with her very eyes. I want to join her someday. I want to see God too. I accept Jesus, Jesus I want to love You how my wife loves You! – 'Amen.'

Jesus. I accept Jesus. He will bring me peace in troubling times, even today, as my wife lies in this hospital Jesus will help me. I feel it already. Oh, what joy! I feel warm. There is warmth seeping through my veins with each pump of my heart, a tingling sensation of Love and Peace. My soul. I have a soul and it longs for God. I understand my wife’s faith. I feel the relief. My wife.

My wife! She stirs! Her hand. I must hold her hand. Cold. Her cold hand. Her eyes! Her beautiful green eyes, they flutter open. Speechless. Oh, my wife. She looks. Looking. She sees her bible open in my lap and the page of her prayer journal in my hand. Her lips, she smiles. My wife, how I love my wife. Does she know? Can she see the change I am experiencing? Can she feel Jesus in my heart? Her voice, my wife, she speaks!

“John. Read John. Read…”

She sighs. My wife!

“Nevaeh?”

Her eyes are falling to a close, but the faint smile remains on her lips.

“Heaven.”

As her whisper fades she squeezes my hand.

My wife. She is gone. She is Home. She is with Jesus and I have put my Faith in Christ. I am Saved.

The bible, open in my lap, comforts my emotions. A verse, underlined in red ink. I see a verse in the bible. John 3:16…

For God so loved the earth that he gave his only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish, but have eternal life.