God survey

Jay Tea · 02-15-2002, 02:34 PM

God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to
better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer
the
following questions. Please keep in mind that your responses will be
kept
completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or
address
unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.

1. How did you find out about God?
___ Newspaper
___ Bible
___ Torah
___ Book of Mormon
___ Koran
___ Other Book
___ Television
___ Divine Inspiration
___ Word of mouth
___ Dead Sea scrolls
___ My mama done tol' me
___ Near Death Experience
___ Near-life experience
___ National Public Radio
___ Tabloid
___ Burning Shrubbery
___ Other (specify): _____________

2. Which model God did you acquire?
___ Yahweh
___ Jehovah
___ Allah
___ Just plain God
___ Krishna
___ Father, Son & Holy Ghost (Trinity Pak)
___ Zeus and entourage (Olympus Pak)
___ Odin and entourage (Valhalla Pak)
___ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
___ None of the above; I was taken in by a false god.

3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working
order
and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
__ Yes __ No
If not, please describe the problems you initially encountered here.
Please
indicate all that apply:

___ Not eternal
___ Not omniscient
___ Not omnipotent
___ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire universe
___ Permits sex outside of marriage
___ Prohibits sex outside of marriage
___ Makes mistakes (Chris Matthews, Margaret Thatcher)
___ When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched
___ Requires burnt offerings
___ Requires virgin sacrifices
___ Plays dice with the universe

4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a God? Please
check all that apply.

___ Indoctrinated by parents
___ Needed a reason to live
___ Indoctrinated by society
___ Needed target for rage
___ Imaginary friend grew up
___ Hate to think for self
___ Wanted to meet girls/boys
___ Fear of death
___ To piss off parents
___ Needed a day away from work
___ Enjoy organ music
___ Needed focus on whom to despise
___ Needed to feel morally superior
___ Graduated from the tooth fairy
___ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it

5. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition
to
God? Please check all that apply.

__ Self-help books
__ Tarot, Astrology
__ Star Trek re-runs
__ Fortune cookies
__ Ann Landers
__ Psychic Friends Network
__ Dianetics
__ Playboy and/or Playgirl
__ Sex, Drugs, and Rock & Roll
__ Biorhythms
__ EST
__ Television
__ Mantras
__ Jimmy Swaggart
__ Crystals (not including Crystal Gayle)
__ Human Sacrifice
__ Wandering around in desert
__ Burning shrubbery
__ Other:_____________________

6. Have you ever worshiped a false God before? Is so, which false God
were
you fooled by? Please check all that apply.

__ Odin
___ Cthulhu
___ Baal
___ Beelzebub
___ The Almighty Dollar
___ The Religious Right
___ Mick Jagger
___ Bill Gates
___ The Great Pumpkin
___ Dubya
___ A burning cabbage
___ Mushrooms
___ Other: ________________

7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the
balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you
prefer...(circle one)?

a. More Divine Intervention
b. Less Divine Intervention
c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
d. Don't know - what's Divine Intervention?

8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and
miracles.
Please rate on a scale of 1 to 5 (1 unsatisfactory, 5 excellent) God's
handling of the following:

Disaster:

1 2 3 4 5 flood
1 2 3 4 5 famine
1 2 3 4 5 earthquake
1 2 3 4 5 war
1 2 3 4 5 pestilence
1 2 3 4 5 plague
1 2 3 4 5 AOL
1 2 3 4 5 Tom Daschle
1 2 3 4 5 Jerry Lewis
1 2 3 4 5 Dubya
1 2 3 4 5 my last relationship

Miracles:

1 2 3 4 5 rescues
1 2 3 4 5 spontaneous remissions
1 2 3 4 5 crying statues
1 2 3 4 5 water changing to wine
1 2 3 4 5 walking on water
1 2 3 4 5 stars hovering over towns
1 2 3 4 5 VCRs that set their own clocks
1 2 3 4 5 clear and competent statements by the President
1 2 3 4 5 my present relationship

9. Please rate the following on a scale of 1 to 5 (1 unsatisfactory, 5
excellent):

1 2 3 4 5 God's Courtesy
1 2 3 4 5 answers to your prayers
1 2 3 4 5 Are your spiritual needs being met?
1 2 3 4 5 How are your shrubs doing?

10. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving
the
quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet(s) if
necessary.)

guitarman · 02-18-2002, 05:21 PM

Hmmmm.......where do I send it??

nowaverocker · 05-12-2003, 12:54 AM

I don't worship Cthulhu. I just think he's a keen fellow.

**meatfinger** · 05-12-2003, 11:15 AM

Something about this irritates me.

Underhill · 05-13-2003, 09:45 AM

I'm not laughing. Therefore, it is not funny.

**meatfinger** · 05-13-2003, 10:51 AM

Me neither.

bobthecockroach · 05-13-2003, 10:55 AM

:klol: I'm laughing histerically, lol

Jay Tea · 05-13-2003, 01:02 PM

Wow...I don't even remember posting that. I think it's funny.

bobthecockroach · 05-13-2003, 02:31 PM

Glad you did post it

I think it's great.... as long as you don't take it too seriously

Jjesus Freak · 05-13-2003, 03:51 PM

I don't get it.:kconf:

And I'm not sure I want to.

**meatfinger** · 05-13-2003, 07:34 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by bobthecockroach
Glad you did post it I think it's great.... as long as you don't take it too seriously

Maybe I'm taking it too seroiusly. To think that God comes in "models" like Allah, etc., and to say that you found God through the Koran seems somewhat heretical to me. But as this is a humor forum, I wasn't going to bring it up.

Kori · 05-13-2003, 07:53 PM

I dont want to sound like the "party-pooper" or anything, but I dont find this at all funny. I cant quite put my finger on it, but it seems a bit.......well...agree with what you have said Chris.. But what is the status of this then.

Jay Tea · 05-13-2003, 10:05 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by meatfinger
Maybe I'm taking it too seroiusly. To think that God comes in "models" like Allah, etc., and to say that you found God through the Koran seems somewhat heretical to me. But as this is a humor forum, I wasn't going to bring it up.

Yeah, it definitely presents a horribly skewed version of God. I found myself somewhat saddened by the answers to question 4. I wish there would have been a "good" answer to it. Overall, though, I guess I find it comical to think about how ridiculous it would be if God looked this flimsy. Maybe I shouldn't...hmm...

But the "Trinity Pak" cracks me up every time.