[relient nelson]

Originally Posted by bread man

Hey everyone, I could really use some more help and advice. Anything would be really appreciated. Sorry for the long post.

Basically, I'd been trying for a few weeks to get her to spend a day with me so we could talk about some things. She kept saying she would and coming up with reasons not to until eventually I got sick of it. I wrote her an email to say I thought she was pushing me away all the time.

Today I went to her house and we talked for a couple of hours about things. She wrote me a letter which basically said she started out being really interested in me and really liking me and that she was really happy about our relationship at first but she got uncomfortable when it started to get physical (the furthest it went was hand holding). She said she wasn't sure what was wrong but maybe she wasn't mature enough for it and that since we've tried to be friends it's been hard. She said she was trying to give me hope that it would work and in that she'd hoped I would find someone I liked better than her (her words, not mine) and that we'd be able to stay friends. Obviously this didn't happen. She finished off by saying that I was the kind of person she could see herself marrying one day, but that she could only ever give me a friendship and that was all it would ever be.

This really confused me and so I asked her some questions to try and understand. I couldn't understand why she felt she couldn't be in a relationship with me when she thought all these things and wanted us to be best friends. She wasn't sure how to explain it but she said there wasn't a "sexual" attraction, by which she meant something different to physical attraction. I interpreted that as her being afraid of me being close and knowing her deeply. She didn't mean sex, as pre-marital sex is something that we both believe is wrong very strongly.

Anyway I told her that was what I thought and I brought up the fact she is really controlled by the fear of people in her life. Our relationship is just one example of her not being able to tell the truth to someone because she is so afraid of disappointing them. The conversation turned towards faith and I told her I thought she wouldn't be so controlled by the fear of people if she really loved and feared God more than human approval. This brought up some really hard things and she told me she feels far away from God most of the time and that he isn't there when she talks to him. I shared some of my experience with similar feelings and I how I started to get through them. It was a really emotionally draining conversation and we both cried a lot.

But the end result was that she suggested we spend time together talking through this stuff every week. She told me she couldn't promise we'd get back together and I told her I understood but that I couldn't give up hope for it either, which she agreed to. I promised her I would never use this to get something I want from her (a relationship). I know I can do this and put her interests ahead of my own and I'm asking my best friend and the guys in my small group to hold me to that. But I also know it's probably going to be the hardest thing I've ever done.

Have I done the right thing here? I certainly feel like I'm doing the right, most Christ-like thing by not giving up on her or cutting off the friendship, and I know God can give me the strength to do it. I just feel afraid, that the potential for hurt and disappointment from my perspective is massive. And while I am hopeful about the future, I really am scared of the pain I might have to go through in the at least somewhat likely case that it doesn't work out. I'd just appreciate some other perspectives on this.

Let me just say that this post, IMHO, exudes maturity and thoughtfulness. Thumbs up for being careful and selfless. Selflessness is SO important when it comes to settling into a serious relationship.

As far as the "no sexual attraction" stuff that you talked about, I thought it was very perceptive of you to think that was because of her fear of intimacy of any kind. If you guys are truly compatible and you begin to work through these issues together, hopefully that that "no sexual attraction" issues will become a non-issue. I don't mean that in a crude way. As I have developed my relationship with my fiance, this standard "everyday stupid guy" sexual attraction that most men start out with in a relationship that can sometimes border on lust turned into this desire for intimacy that is incredibly different and more than that, something I don't even want to explain, because I fear that would cheapen it.

All of that to say, keep investing into her as a daughter of Christ, build up trust through love and counsel, and those walls between her and connecting with a man in an intimate way will disappear. It must be noted that it is up in the air whether or not she will want to pursue a relationship with you once those walls start coming down. I am convinced it is near impossible to work through deep issues with someone on a personal level without becoming intensely involved emotionally. As you said in your post, even talking for a few hours is emotionally exhausting. So keep in mind that as these walls start to come down, there is a chance that she will realize that a relationship with you is not right for her.

I do think you are very aware of that, so I'll stop talking now. Maybe some of what I said was helpful/encouraging, maybe not. I've had a long day today and feel borderline incoherent. haha

[bread man]

Originally Posted by redbaron

I'm going to be a negative nancy here and tell you that you should let it go.

Maybe I'm just an easily manipulated chump but I've been hurt multiple times by the 'I don't want a relationship, but i still want to spend time with you and be friends." It means that they want you to be a part of their life, give them attention/companionship/etc with absolutely no effort or reciprocity on their part.

Now, not that I'm saying that a relationship is give and take and you shouldn't put in if you're not getting anything out of it- because I'm not. If you're committed to someone you should put in 100% regardless of what they do- however, a relationship where they aren't reciprocating because they will never be as committed as you are is not healthy and will end in nothing but pain and heartache.

Let it go and if something happens later on her part, awesome. If not, better to cut it off now before you put yourself through a meat grinder.

Thanks for the reply man, I do appreciate it. As far as I can see from the time I've known her really well, this isn't true of her. Of course, the possibility still exists and I could just be missing it because of my feelings or something else that's at play. But I've been on the receiving end of that kind of thing a few times before and this really does seem different. I agree that if this is really all she's doing, it's not healthy better for both of us if I just let it go. Time will have to tell.

Originally Posted by relient nelson

Let me just say that this post, IMHO, exudes maturity and thoughtfulness. Thumbs up for being careful and selfless. Selflessness is SO important when it comes to settling into a serious relationship.

As far as the "no sexual attraction" stuff that you talked about, I thought it was very perceptive of you to think that was because of her fear of intimacy of any kind. If you guys are truly compatible and you begin to work through these issues together, hopefully that that "no sexual attraction" issues will become a non-issue. I don't mean that in a crude way. As I have developed my relationship with my fiance, this standard "everyday stupid guy" sexual attraction that most men start out with in a relationship that can sometimes border on lust turned into this desire for intimacy that is incredibly different and more than that, something I don't even want to explain, because I fear that would cheapen it.

All of that to say, keep investing into her as a daughter of Christ, build up trust through love and counsel, and those walls between her and connecting with a man in an intimate way will disappear. It must be noted that it is up in the air whether or not she will want to pursue a relationship with you once those walls start coming down. I am convinced it is near impossible to work through deep issues with someone on a personal level without becoming intensely involved emotionally. As you said in your post, even talking for a few hours is emotionally exhausting. So keep in mind that as these walls start to come down, there is a chance that she will realize that a relationship with you is not right for her.

I do think you are very aware of that, so I'll stop talking now. Maybe some of what I said was helpful/encouraging, maybe not. I've had a long day today and feel borderline incoherent. haha

Both helpful and encouraging. Thank you.

[relient nelson]

Originally Posted by bread man

Thanks for the reply man, I do appreciate it. As far as I can see from the time I've known her really well, this isn't true of her. Of course, the possibility still exists and I could just be missing it because of my feelings or something else that's at play. But I've been on the receiving end of that kind of thing a few times before and this really does seem different. I agree that if this is really all she's doing, it's not healthy better for both of us if I just let it go. Time will have to tell.



Both helpful and encouraging. Thank you.

You're welcome. Let us know how it is going.

[bread man]

Hi everyone. You were all so helpful so I just wanted to give an update on what's happened. Basically, the door has closed. She started uni a couple of months ago and since then has decided that she doesn't have time for this. I tried pretty much every solution I could think of (phone calls, talking online, etc) but she just seems to have lost interest. Mostly if I see her around anywhere, she'll talk to me but only if I'm the one who initiates it. When I realised this, I spoke to a close friend and my mum and they both told me that they thought it was time for me to give up. A few weeks ago she sent me a message saying that she doesn't like us not talking, which made me a bit angry, so I replied with something along the lines of "well, talk to me then". She keeps saying she wants us to be friends and things like that, but seems to make no practical effort at all. She did call me to say hi last week, though.

It got to be more than I could handle so I decided to let it go. Sometimes since then I've felt good and optimistic about that and other times it's hard to feel motivated to do anything. I guess the feeling underneath that is that it doesn't seem to matter what I do at all. I guess that isn't always true but it seems to be in this case. I feel hurt and stupid and used in some ways. I don't think she intends to hurt me, I just think she has no idea what she wants or what she even thinks about anything. I think that's why she says things that aren't true, or says she'll do things and then doesn't do them. She thinks she means them at the time. She's just a kid, who thinks she is more mature than she is. That's what my mum thinks anyway, and I think she's right. It's hard to be angry at her for that and I guess I just feel stupid for thinking I could change that by myself. And a bit hurt that she doesn't understand why I feel hurt by her, even when I try to explain.

I'm not ruling anything out completely or permanently but I am letting it go. The only other choice I have is to not let it go while she goes on not caring. Anyway, I sound a lot more dramatic than I mean to. It just sucks, bottom line. Thanks to everyone for the help, advice, and prayer.