Need help with kind of an awkward issue..I spend a lot of time hanging out at my girlfriends house, and she has a younger sister who I see a lot of the time (we're both 18, her sister is 16) Obviously this is uncomfortable..the bottom line is that her sister is really attractive, and the way she dresses often becomes a distraction. She likes wearing skirts that are pretty short and tank tops, and she looks really good so when I'm around her a lot its hard not to notice.

I'm wondering how do I bring this up either with my gf or her sis..probably not her sis, it'd be really weird to say to her but it would be hard to talk to my girlfriend about it as well. Im not blaming her sister, lust is obviously of my own fault, but it might be nice if she paid a bit more attention in the way she dresses..so if I could get advice from anyone, especially girls, how would you approach this problem?

[Rainer.]

How long have you been dating your girlfriend?

Approach it gently. I'd tell your girlfriend. She can bring it up with her sister. If you can both handle this in a mature, thoughtful way, I'm sure she'll understand and can help you out by dealing with her sister.

We've been dating for almost 6 months. I would like to think we can be mature with it, its just awkward to think about talking about it...plus my girlfriend has occasionally gotten upset if Ive like done a double take at a girl walking down the street or in a magazine, and I'm really trying to work on those things and she wants to help me, but its more personal for it to be her sister and I dont know how she would react..

[Rainer.]

To be honest, if you're really committed to this relationship, then there is going to be plenty that will be uncomfortable to talk about, and it's much healthier to start getting these things out there, and start a habit of being open and honest in the relationship.

If you knew she would be upset, would you not tell her?

Yeah we both know we need to be honest. so how do I bring it up or approach it gently in a way that we can both be mature about it?

[Rainer.]

Just talk to her about it. Don't overthink it, don't try to "slowly bring it up". Just find some time, and come out with it.

If I know anything about girls, my guess is she already knows that you find her sister attractive. So just ask her for some help with your issue.

[rock_show_host]

Originally Posted by Rainer.

If you knew she would be upset, would you not tell her?

This is the key question. I know I've hurt my fiancee in the past by keeping quiet about things for fear of them bothering her. You can trick yourself into thinking that you're acting out of concern for someone else by "shielding" them, but it's always better to be open and honest.

To the OP, I would bring it up and just be straightforward. Most likely, it will be a little awkward at first; that much is probably inevitable. But what's important is that you've recognized that this is a problem and are devoted to fighting it. I'm sure that'll mean a lot to your girlfriend.

[OiBoyz]

Ok, I'm female so let me say this... I'm not sure it's a good idea to tell either of them. This sounds like YOUR issue to start with. Yes, her sister dresses skimpily, but you're in her home. Also you did tell us that you've done a double take of girls you don't know.

YOU need to deal with this. You need to find a mature MALE friend who can help you figure out strategy or whatever.

If you tell your girlfriend that you think her sister is hot and you can't stop thinking about her, it's not going to go well, even if it seems like she's understanding. It's going to haunt her, and this relationship. By the time you're over it, she won't be. And if this relationship is going to be something that is serious... imagine how it's going to be for her every time you are around the sister.

I think it's a BAD idea to tell her. Tell your dad, tell your pastor, tell your best bud, but seriously... don't tell her or the sister. Deal with this in your own thoughts, because that's were the problem is.

[tlj009]

Ok, I'm female so let me say this... I'm not sure it's a good idea to tell either of them. This sounds like YOUR issue to start with. Yes, her sister dresses skimpily, but you're in her home. Also you did tell us that you've done a double take of girls you don't know.

YOU need to deal with this. You need to find a mature MALE friend who can help you figure out strategy or whatever.

If you tell your girlfriend that you think her sister is hot and you can't stop thinking about her, it's not going to go well, even if it seems like she's understanding. It's going to haunt her, and this relationship. By the time you're over it, she won't be. And if this relationship is going to be something that is serious... imagine how it's going to be for her every time you are around the sister.

I think it's a BAD idea to tell her. Tell your dad, tell your pastor, tell your best bud, but seriously... don't tell her or the sister. Deal with this in your own thoughts, because that's were the problem is.

I agree.

[BillSPrestonEsq]

Im going to point this out....


If she is sunbathing topless or something inappropriate around you, it might be appropriate to bring up

Your eyes, your choice, your thoughts.

You need to choose not to sin, by mentally committing adultery in your heart with your girlfriend's sister.

There were a few red flags to me in this thread that tell me you have a serious lust problem.

Im not blaming her sister, lust is obviously of my own fault,

so far so good. It is you, so obviously, your sin is the issue in view, which is going to only be rectified by a change in your heart.

but it might be nice if she paid a bit more attention in the way she dresses..so if I could get advice from anyone, especially girls, how would you approach this problem?

And now we blame someone else. Ever since the garden...

If you believe the problem is you, (which it is) why would you look to fix someone else to fix the sin in you? It doesn't make sense.

Ive like done a double take at a girl walking down the street or in a magazine

This is extremely immature behavior. It is disrespectful to women. I mean, taking a double take at a woman because she had a goat head would seem appropriate, but doing a double take here, I assume means, to check her body out.

That is once again, committing adultery in your heart. Should your girlfriend be upset at this? Yes, absolutely.

But you are going to have to deal with your heart.

[Rainer.]

Alright, here's my take on it.

Yes, the OP has a lust problem. I have a lust problem, too. Lots of guys do. Yes, every time we slip up and look at a girl the wrong way, it's objectifying, it's wrong.

Yes, the OP should seek out an older, wiser male mentor to help him with his problems.

But I don't think telling his girlfriend that her sister could really help him out by dressing a little more modestly when he's around is an unreasonable request.

If the OP were an alcoholic, would you have a problem with him asking his girlfriend to not show him where all the booze in her house is to keep him from temptation?

Yes, relationships are a more sensitive issue, but so far the OP has said that his girlfriend's sister is a very attractive girl who dresses a little less than modestly. Why not ask for a little help?

[BillSPrestonEsq]

Originally Posted by Rainer.

Alright, here's my take on it.

Yes, the OP has a lust problem. I have a lust problem, too. Lots of guys do. Yes, every time we slip up and look at a girl the wrong way, it's objectifying, it's wrong.

Yes, the OP should seek out an older, wiser male mentor to help him with his problems.

But I don't think telling his girlfriend that her sister could really help him out by dressing a little more modestly when he's around is an unreasonable request.

Maybe. If she is innapropriatte. But... lets look at this. In addition to torpedoing the relationship with your girlfriend. (Oiboyz nailed that)

It is taking an Islamic approach. Why do you think Burkhas are worn? Why is the Islamic headscarf worn?

Simply put, exactly this reason. If you have lust in your heart, you will lust for the eyes you see through the slit of the burkhah. The amount of skin is not the problem. The depth of sin is.

Being blunt, the only way scripture says to deal with lust is to flee. So really his options are going to have to come down to avoidance, and ownership.

If the OP were an alcoholic, would you have a problem with him asking his girlfriend to not show him where all the booze in her house is to keep him from temptation?

Not as any form of solution. See, what is the first step in AA?

I ask that, because really, it is analogous. You have to own the problem and admit what you are before you can face it. Trying to rid the world of booze because you have a problem is what this boils down to. When you approach sins from regulating externals, when regulation fails, the problem is the failure of the external, not personal ownership of the sin and repentance.

Yes, relationships are a more sensitive issue, but so far the OP has said that his girlfriend's sister is a very attractive girl who dresses a little less than modestly. Why not ask for a little help?

Because:
1) Her modesty is not the problem.
2) She may be actually modest and his lust is tainting his view of her. I saw this at Moody a lot. I saw guys talking about how a girl in a blouse to the neck, semi-form fitting, and a denim skirt to mid calf, and cowboy boots was "immodest" Lust truly is in the eye of the beholder.
3) If she is not, and is trying to garner attention, guess what, you just told her it is working.
4) It will cause relationship problems
5) It is pushing off your sin, and blaming it on another source, when the source is you.

[relient nelson]

Originally Posted by BillSPrestonEsq

You have to own the problem and admit what you are before you can face it. Trying to rid the world of booze because you have a problem is what this boils down to. When you approach sins from regulating externals, when regulation fails, the problem is the failure of the external, not personal ownership of the sin and repentance.



Because:
1) Her modesty is not the problem.
2) She may be actually modest and his lust is tainting his view of her. I saw this at Moody a lot. I saw guys talking about how a girl in a blouse to the neck, semi-form fitting, and a denim skirt to mid calf, and cowboy boots was "immodest" Lust truly is in the eye of the beholder.
3) If she is not, and is trying to garner attention, guess what, you just told her it is working.
4) It will cause relationship problems
5) It is pushing off your sin, and blaming it on another source, when the source is you.

This is very all very good stuff to consider.

[Rainer.]

Originally Posted by BillSPrestonEsq

4) It will cause relationship problems

I personally still think keeping the truth from his girlfriend is a sign of having relationship problems of a different nature.

I'm not denying that lust is the problem here, and that has to be worked out personally, but trying "regulate externals" while you're trying to work through a problem isn't a bad thing to do. It's not the most important thing to do, but if it helps, why not? It's not like today he's got lust problems and tomorrow he doesn't. It's a process, and asking for help while he's working through this problem doesn't have to reasonably torch a relationship.

If he's going to have to just stop going to his gf's house in general to avoid lust, then he should tell his girlfriend why he's doing it, or at the very least summarize what he's going through. I can't reasonably support keeping secrets.


I mean, it's likely the girlfriend's sister just doesn't realize that her dress is distracting to the OP, and figures it's not a bad idea to dress a little differently when he comes over. There could be a win-win situation to this.

[BillSPrestonEsq]

Originally Posted by Rainer.

I personally still think keeping the truth from his girlfriend is a sign of having relationship problems of a different nature.

Maybe. I don't think so. Obviously, she is aware of the general problem as she is displeased when he does double takes...

...now, add in the specifics, what point is that? Other than causing her insecurity. Oiboyz nailed that one. And to take this a step further, since we are requiring giving names to the lust, should he detail what acts he is committing in his mind with her sister? Ultimately, there is a level of secrecy which is important. Where do you draw the line? I would at the fact that there is a problem because the issue will divide siblings, or damage the gf, and mess with the sister if she is innocent, and give her encouragement if she is not.

I'm not denying that lust is the problem here, and that has to be worked out personally, but trying "regulate externals" while you're trying to work through a problem isn't a bad thing to do. It's not the most important thing to do, but if it helps, why not? It's not like today he's got lust problems and tomorrow he doesn't. It's a process, and asking for help while he's working through this problem doesn't have to reasonably torch a relationship.

Life doesn't regulate the externals. The only thing this will accomplish is try to change one girl's dress. But this is ascribing the problem to the girl, and the clothes. Regulating the externals is denial of the problem, because it is taking action against the thing which is not the real problem

If he's going to have to just stop going to his gf's house in general to avoid lust, then he should tell his girlfriend why he's doing it, or at the very least summarize what he's going through. I can't reasonably support keeping secrets.

We all keep secrets. Secrets often are the filters on our mouth that keeps you from saying, yes, that makes your butt look big, from laughing at the person whose sweater looks like they shaved a poodle and are wearing it.

If a truth does nothing to build another up, and will harm them and they do not need to know it... ..why hurt someone.

I would suggest a wise older man or a pastor.

I mean, it's likely the girlfriend's sister just doesn't realize that her dress is distracting to the OP, and figures it's not a bad idea to dress a little differently when he comes over. There could be a win-win situation to this.

My experience has been this.

1) Girl takes it that you are calling her a slut. (when what you are saying, is that you think she is dressing like one)
2) Girl knows, and is encouraged because it is a way of gaining mastery in sibling rivalry.
3) Girl is horrified.

1)GF thinks you are a creep. (pretty much because you are being one)
2) GF thinks she is not as desirable as her sister.
3) GF is injured.

And all this for something that won't help at all. Clothes are not the problem. Lust is.

You can lust over a woman in a burkha. You really can.