Loving my GF despite finding out she's no longer a virgin

MarkBadong · 02-07-2010, 09:16 AM

God Bless Everyone!

I'm Mark Badong...A humble child of God, 18 yrs old, enjoying a healthy, openly God-centered relationship with my girlfriend.

She's only my second GF...The first one became my GF despite the fact that she already had a child at the young age of 17 and I accepted that somehow, but eventually she broke up with me for petty reasons, which hurt me, as I had given her my all and accepted that yet she was able to do that.

So I found new love in my current girlfriend, who I truly, truly, truly love.

I'm very young and very inexperienced with relationships, but I'd like to ask advice from fellow believers...

You see, ever since we declared our love for each other on January 1, 2010 at New Year, 12 midnight, I've had the happy thought of loving a pure, kind, gentle, sweet and truly cute girl.

We celebrated our 1st month together last Feb. 1, we have a Long Distance Relationship since she lives many cities away from me...

However, recently a friend of hers told me she once asked, in the past, if it was OK for her to have sex. They didn't really take it seriously at the time, but this bothered me as to why she'd ask this. You see, she too was left by her ex-BF for that guy's ex...I thought it was all just typical love...

Until last night, when I kept asking her to tell me the truth behind that. For an hour or so, over the phone, I insisted, yet she kept refusing. Then, later, she found the strength to tell me the truth, that it was something serious...She DID have sex with her ex already...She cried and cried over the phone. My knees were literally shaking....For the second time, my GF is not a virgin...Thankfully, unlike my ex-GF, there was no byproduct of that love...No baby.

I did my best, however, to show her that I still love her despite that...And I really do. I'm very deeply committed to her and am determined to love her continuously...

However, up to now her past keeps nagging at me...I'm haunted by images of my GF having sex with her ex....Opening her body to him, losing her virginity.....That she decided to do such a thing...I can't really say I've 100% accepted it, but I wish to continue loving her nevertheless....She's so far been endlessly thankful that someone willing to accept her despite that, in the person of me, loves her...

Now I come to ask for advice...How do I let go of these images?

How do I let go of her past completely? I'm not a perfect Christian...But the thought that my beloved GF had opened her body to someone else...In fact, she told me she texted her ex-BF last night within the hour I was asking her to tell me the truth....That she was so guilty she ever did that, that she felt embarrassed to me, since I found that out...Her ex-BF just told her to let it go as well...

I'm still adjusting to finding out that fact. However, that doesn't change the fact that she's a wonderful girl now. She's a faithful Christian, living an honest life, sweet, kind, humble, cute, everything you could look for in a girl...And I don't wanna look for anyone else.

But I just can't seem to get over that fact...That she had previously been able to love someone enough to open her body to him despite not being married yet and being a minor...That she had decided to "try" sex...That she loved someone enough to have sex with him...

I know it's the past....I believe God tells me that she really does love me because I accept her despite having found that out (only last night) and I really do love her too. My decision won't change...I really love her.

I just want advice on how to abandon those thoughts...A small, jealous side of me is a little frustrated that she had already done that and that come marriage I won't have been her first anymore...That she's no longer a virgin...How do I leave these thoughts behind so I can love her completely? God Bless again...Thanks....

marshall gibson · 02-07-2010, 09:31 AM

Well my friend, that is an extremely hard question for me to answer. You see while I was reading this I thought it was me you were talking about. I don't have answers. I am still with my gf who this happened with and we love each other intensely today. I don't know how I got through those times to this day though. I can only say pray about it man. And grow a level of trust. This won't be easy as you have a long distance relationship but if you love her, give it what you have. A huge key is communicating. Do it a lot. Learn to know her well and your fears and those disturbing images will eventually fade.

***BillSPrestonEsq*** · 02-07-2010, 09:44 AM

I am going to be really, really blunt with you.

You found out last night.

Give things time. This could be an issue that breaks the relationship. It seriously could, but seriously, GIVE THINGS TIME! Time does not heal wounds, but it gives you a chance to heal. Yes, the images haunt and it hurts. That sucks, but to tell you the truth, the fact is, it took you by surprise, it was a big deal, and you are absorbing the shock.

I was sexually faithful before marriage. However, I have done unspeakable evil things. Things I think God would rank far worse. My wife knows and loves me. What things have you done sinfully? (Rhetorical, please do not tell me) Will not God and your future wife have to forgive you for them? We are saved by grace and are commanded to forgive. Forgiving and forgetting is a myth , but choosing to live a life of forgiveness is a sequence of choices as a believer, that we are commanded to make. In fact, one of Jesus' most terrifying parables commands it.

Honestly, the relationship is new, the news is new. Calm down, relax, slow down and breathe. If the relationship is going to work, it will in spite of this. If not, better to know that too. (and 2 months in is very early on)

Just calm down, and give yourself a chance to be upset. Not at her, but just to deal with your own emotions. Take time. You do not have to decide if you will marry her this month or this year. But choose to live a life of forgiveness.

crazymoose · 02-07-2010, 11:55 AM

Listen to Bill.

And think about it in the grand scheme of things. I mean, in God's eyes, what she did is no worse or better than the little lie you tell your mom or boss every day. All sins are punishable by death, and sexual sins are no different, though people like to think so. She obviously knows that what she did is wrong and she's upset about it. If she's repented and isn't trying to do it again, then she deserves forgiveness just as much as anyone else who's repented.

MarkBadong · 02-07-2010, 04:29 PM

Thank you for the advice everyone...Yes, my GF truly, truly, regrets that she ever did that and is sorry to both God and me. I can feel her sincerity, after all, she cried with all her heart after revealing that...She had risked telling me the truth even if it could jeopardize our relationship. That makes me feel a little better, she trusts me enough to tell me that even if it could break our relationship...And honestly, I don't plan to. I love her so much...And I'm no playboy...And I want to show her how faithfully and unconditionally a Christian guy can love...(Her ex-BF is not fully Christian)...

But the fact that she had sex 1)pre-maritally and 2) as a minor, (16 years old when it happened, barely a year has passed, she told me she did it last May 2009) still upsets me.

But I've decided to continue loving her. The question I ask is not whether to stay in this relationship or not but more of how I can let go of the torturing images of my GF and her ex-BF having sex and thoughts of her mindset at the time...

You see, she has four close friends who are my friends as well. They are open about sexual jokes, which makes me a little uncomfortable, but I was proud that my GF, their friend, dislikes sexual topics and doesn't like being thought of as liking sex.

So it also upsets me that her openly sexual friends are still virgins (two males and two females, not in relationships with each other) while she, who I believed to be pure since she hates sexual topics, actually committed the act already...

But at least I know she really regrets it. Instead of choosing to lie to me about her virginity, she told me the truth...And the fact that she dislikes sexual topics indicates she has no intention at all of committing the act again pre-maritally.

Thanks so far for all the answers, I continue to welcome more advice on how I can truly let go of these images and thoughts...(Now I feel uncomfortable talking about sex with anyone else or seeing or hearing anything about sex on TV, radio, internet, friends, etc since my GF and her ex-BF's image pops in my head instantly...So to remove it I avoid sexual topics now as well)
Time is one factor, God's love is another, and so is my commitment to her, is there anything else I'm missing?

Napoleon17 · 02-07-2010, 05:21 PM

It's concerning to me that she's texting her ex, especially since you're in a long distance relationship. Like you said, she loved the guy enough to "try" sex with him, and now she's in a long distance relationship for like a month with you, yet she's still texting her ex... how long was their relationship? If it were me trust would be difficult. But then again, I'm kind of a cynic.

MarkBadong · 02-07-2010, 09:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by McLuvinjesus

It's concerning to me that she's texting her ex, especially since you're in a long distance relationship. Like you said, she loved the guy enough to "try" sex with him, and now she's in a long distance relationship for like a month with you, yet she's still texting her ex... how long was their relationship? If it were me trust would be difficult. But then again, I'm kind of a cynic.

Haha..Actually, she doesn't text that guy anymore at all...She pretty much texts and calls me 90% of her cellphone using time. Before that night, the last time she ever texted the guy was when they broke up. She just texted him to tell him how guilty she is of what she did with him...Besides, she chose to tell me that, and she said she texted "I feel embarrassed of what we did...I'm shaming my Boyfriend(Me.)" After that she stopped texting him again.

PerishtheDay · 02-07-2010, 10:17 PM

to be frank: you have no right to hold that against her unless you've never lusted or... ya know...

chill. if you love her you love her. if you don't then this will destroy what you have. or something else will.

Ax · 02-07-2010, 11:17 PM

Before I post what I truly think on this issue, I'd like your permission to be 100% totally honest. Because I see a lot going on, and frankly some of this is gonna be very very brutal.

MarkBadong · 02-08-2010, 07:00 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ax

Before I post what I truly think on this issue, I'd like your permission to be 100% totally honest. Because I see a lot going on, and frankly some of this is gonna be very very brutal.

I'm ready for anything, sir, haha...You may tell what you need to, hehe...

But I keep these 3 points certain:

1) I will continue to love her nevertheless. I'm very faithful to her, and she is to me as well...because she risked our relationship to tell me that truth. That tells me a lot of her level of trust in me. I do believe I can fully accept her past with time.

2) There's a chance people may say she will become unfaithful or return to her ex-BF or like sex again...For any of those, I have points to counter them, after all, not all details are here, and there's a little something that tells me that this WILL work out - what that is I will say when people say this should lead to a break up.

3) My main question is how to remove images of her having sex with her ex in my mind....Not so much whether I should continue to love her or not, because my answer is Yes. I do believe that I am loving her new self, who truly regrets what she did and looks for a faithful love that accepts her past and loves her unconditionally...I want to be that kind of person for her. I will remain faithful. Whether she changes will be all up to her, but as far as I am concerned this love of mine will not falter despite that...

WorshipJesus · 02-08-2010, 07:47 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MarkBadong

My main question is how to remove images of her having sex with her ex in my mind....

If you love her, fight the thoughts. What you are doing is dwelling on them whether you think so or not. You know they make you jealous so think about something else. If she loves you, she will remain faithful to you. So capture those thoughts and train yourself not to think of her and her ex together. There are wounds that need to be healed so think of these wounds as burns: they are very sensitive right now and need time to heal. Gradually over time with love and forgiveness the thoughts will become less and less. Just remember that you can really hurt your relationship by dwelling on those kinds of thoughts. Sorry to be blunt, but sometimes that's the only way to say things. =)

**tenwatt** · 02-08-2010, 08:06 AM

Like Bill mentioned, yours and her sins are covered and forgiven by God. The fact that her sins are really nagging on you (while it is natural) is a little unfair. Once you go before God asking for forgiveness it’s done. You don’t need to ask again (unless you falter) and God (The Holy Spirit) isn’t going to nag you about it. IMO, if you TRULY love her it’s going to be really easy to move on from this. Because to be complete blunt with you, past learning that it happened and accepting her for it…it’s really none of your business.

My wife was a virgin when we married and I had slept with many girls. I was raised in a home that taught me that it was okay to be sexually active, as long as I was safe, and that I should have MANY experiences before I was married so that I wouldn’t regret “missing out” once I was married. I lost my virginity when I was fourteen and I’m not going to put a number on the girls that I slept with but it was WAY more than enough to repulse my wife. I told her upfront in our relationship. She heard it, it haunted her for a bit, and we moved on.

I can tell you that the more you continue asking her questions about it the more it’s making her relive it and she wants to move on. It’s over, done, and forgiven. Does she think about it? Yeah…probably. Will she always have a bit of an emotional bond to her first? That’s likely too. I still think about my first (and a few others), wondering how she’s doing and if she’s happy in life. But I LOVE my wife and one of the reasons I love her so much is because she LOVES me DESPITE my failures and doesn’t allow my failures to loom over my head. It reminds a lot of how God loves me and how I should love others.

Good luck man. I'll be praying that you decide to quickly let go of these feelings. I think that's your first step; realizing that it's not your burden to cling onto.

Napoleon17 · 02-08-2010, 08:12 AM

Quote:

3) My main question is how to remove images of her having sex with her ex in my mind....Not so much whether I should continue to love her or not, because my answer is Yes. I do believe that I am loving her new self, who truly regrets what she did and looks for a faithful love that accepts her past and loves her unconditionally...I want to be that kind of person for her. I will remain faithful. Whether she changes will be all up to her, but as far as I am concerned this love of mine will not falter despite that...

Try not to think about it, and it will fade with time. If your relationship with her grows into something that is a lifelong, lasting relationship, it really won't matter that much.

Nate · 02-08-2010, 09:31 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MarkBadong

That she loved someone enough to have sex with him...

Quote:

Originally Posted by MarkBadong

I was proud that my GF, their friend, dislikes sexual topics and doesn't like being thought of as liking sex.

Quote:

she, who I believed to be pure since she hates sexual topics, actually committed the act already...

Quote:

the fact that she dislikes sexual topics indicates she has no intention at all of committing the act again pre-maritally.

Quote:

Originally Posted by MarkBadong

There's a chance people may say she will . . . like sex again

Am I the only one seriously confounded by these statements?

What is wrong with her having loved someone or her liking sex?

Her sin was that she committed fornication, not that she enjoyed it.

How would her not liking to talk / hear about sex make her more pure?

Why do you want someone who "doesn't like being thought of as liking sex"?

***BillSPrestonEsq*** · 02-08-2010, 09:43 AM

No, Nate, you aren't though my thoughts on the matter are not going that direction.

Dude, slow the heck down!

Im going to say to tenwatt, that I see hurt for a few days or months as being fair. More than fair. I mean something was done. Essentially you grieve and move on.

However, there is something I see here potentially disastrous. It isn't sexual.

Quote:

You see, ever since we declared our love for each other on January 1, 2010 at New Year, 12 midnight, I've had the happy thought of loving a pure, kind, gentle, sweet and truly cute girl.

Relationship is barely a month old.

Quote:

There's a chance people may say she will become unfaithful or return to her ex-BF or like sex again...For any of those, I have points to counter them, after all, not all details are here, and there's a little something that tells me that this WILL work out - what that is I will say when people say this should lead to a break up.

Being certain things will work out so early worries me. Everytime i have seen this someone has fallen in love with the ideal someone. A rendition of that person without flaw. However, everyone is flawed. When the cracks show, and when we are really ourselves, what then? It takes a lot longer than a month to truly know someone.

Quote:

I do believe that I am loving her new self, who truly regrets what she did and looks for a faithful love that accepts her past and loves her unconditionally...I want to be that kind of person for her. I will remain faithful. Whether she changes will be all up to her, but as far as I am concerned this love of mine will not falter despite that...

You say, you are loving her "new self." I am not divided that way. NObody is divided that way. You are saying here, that you love a person as long as you believe they are incapable of unfaithfulness.

One of the first steps to committing any sin, (selling drugs is the example I use at youth group because it comes up the most) is saying you are not capable of it. You let your guard down, and you get lax. Frankly, with how you are talking, I'd be seriously worried this will last because of your idealization of her, and your love which seems to be conditional based on behavior.

You are susceptible to sexual temptation. That is the first step to avoiding it. Knowing it can eat you for lunch. So is she.

But my concern is this: Do you love the girl, or the idol of the girl you have made. This sweet, flawless girl will never exist. So do you love the girl, the girl who is there, the one who had premarital sex with her ex. That is the real question that has to be answered. Not by compartmentalizing her to a person now, and someone else in the past.