[.torrin.]

I haven't posted on here in a while. I've had writers' block for a few years and I finally just forced myself to write something, even if it was terrible. This is was I wrote, and I don't think it's that bad, but I respect the opinion of the writers here and hoped to get some feedback in an attempt to avoid another stretch of "The Block" Thanks!

My Dear

I am scheming tonight, to have a bad dream.
If I awake loud and rudely enough,
Maybe I can elicit some form of affection.
Perhaps even a kiss, to quiet the devils
And send the bogeymen back to the closet

It is cold where we sleep, so the sweats will be quite
An accomplishment. Perhaps another quilt
(Or even two) will complete this deed.

If I defeat the urge to sleep until my eyelids
Become anvils, maybe I can even break a capillary.
After all, bloodshot is the new bedroom,
As far as eyes are concerned.

As you lie there next to me, far beyond forty winks
I can’t help but notice the rhythm of your breathing,
As if it is setting the music for your dancing eyes.

It’s half past witching, and I violently awake!
“I’ve had a nightmare!” I cry, as I scream
For your rescue.

(Nothing)

The only returning sound
Is that of the mocking echoes.
As you lay there motionless,
My vehement screams
Emerged a spectral whisper

Your closed eyes no longer dance
Your musical breath, now caught tightly in your throat
And for a moment, I see a lonesome tear.
Falling abandoned, as we are.


Yours Always,

The Thoughtful Dodger

[Nate]

Originally Posted by .torrin.

I haven't posted on here in a while. I've had writers' block for a few years and I finally just forced myself to write something, even if it was terrible. This is was I wrote, and I don't think it's that bad, but I respect the opinion of the writers here and hoped to get some feedback in an attempt to avoid another stretch of "The Block" Thanks!

I don't recall seeing any of your other stuff. Welcome back regardless. Please post more! No offense to Jeffrey, my oft interlocuter, but this forum really needs some more diverse activity.

My Dear

I am scheming tonight, to have a bad dream.
If I awake loud and rudely enough,
Maybe I can elicit some form of affection.
Perhaps even a kiss, to quiet the devils
And send the bogeymen back to the closet

It is cold where we sleep, so the sweats will be quite
An accomplishment. Perhaps another quilt
(Or even two) will complete this deed.

This is really quite good. Are you sure you shouldn't have written this in straight prose? It's excellent, excellent prose. You have a knack for an Occam's Razor kind of approach:

Only as much as is needed, and no more.

If I defeat the urge to sleep until my eyelids
Become anvils, maybe I can even break a capillary.
After all, bloodshot is the new bedroom,
As far as eyes are concerned.

As you lie there next to me, far beyond forty winks
I can’t help but notice the rhythm of your breathing,
As if it is setting the music for your dancing eyes.

Not quite as clean, prosaically, and that means that [given the almost completely free verse--oh, but you have a hint of meter here!] it comes off a little clumsier than before.

I like that you pull the overdone parenthetical trick (poets just love to stick in thoughts where they don't belong!), but in a less obvious way. "As far as eyes are concerned" was great.

The stanza could have ended with the line before, but you decided to give us a parenthetical aside, kind of a wink-wink-nudge-nudge moment... except you didn't make it obvious.

Being able to throw the reader in many directions without explicitly telling them that you are so doing is a real skill. Ambiguous constructions like "defeat the urge to sleep until" help, too.

That phrase could have been interpreted "defeat the urge until..." or "to sleep until...". Does that make sense? The "urge" can be seen as either to sleep or not to sleep. Very good.

It’s half past witching, and I violently awake!
“I’ve had a nightmare!” I cry, as I scream
For your rescue.

This is back to the semi-prosaic style that you did really well at the start. This reminds me a little bit of some of Jeffrey's stuff. He uses exclamation points a lot, too. Interesting punctuation.

(Nothing)

The only returning sound
Is that of the mocking echoes.
As you lay there motionless,
My vehement screams
Emerged a spectral whisper

Your closed eyes no longer dance
Your musical breath, now caught tightly in your throat
And for a moment, I see a lonesome tear.
Falling abandoned, as we are.

Yours Always,

The Thoughtful Dodger

"Vehement screams // emerged a spectral whisper" ?! Seriously? This is the worst bit in the piece, because it reads like Poetry 101: Get out the thesaurus and find more interesting words.

Don't resort to having to use interesting words to make interesting thoughts. You did really well in the rest of the poem using a conversational, prosaic, simple style to great effect. Don't stop!

The end [well, actually, I'm not quite sure I get the signature bit] was great: "A lonesome tear // falling abandoned, as we are" is a great image and put in exactly as many words as needed.

All in all, quite nice. I'd really like to see more of your stuff.

[.torrin.]

thank you very much, I really appreciate the insight. You hit it dead on in the 2nd to last stanza with the "vehement" and "spectral" usage. It's tough to find the right words without resorting to overused cliches, but I think if I stick to the simple approach, it would flow better as a whole. I'll work on that and post a revision. Thanks again for the input and I will post more stuff on here.

[Nate]

Originally Posted by .torrin.

thank you very much, I really appreciate the insight. You hit it dead on in the 2nd to last stanza with the "vehement" and "spectral" usage. It's tough to find the right words without resorting to overused cliches, but I think if I stick to the simple approach, it would flow better as a whole. I'll work on that and post a revision. Thanks again for the input and I will post more stuff on here.

I wouldn't deter you from being "poetic" in your word choice, or from exploring a diverse vocabulary, but the phrase I called you out on can barely even be parsed.

There's certainly no need to be a dunce, using kindergarten sentences, but if the extent of your reason for choosing a word is "it's not overused," pick another word.

[.torrin.]

My Dear

I am scheming tonight, to have a bad dream.
If I awake loud and rudely enough,
Maybe I can elicit some form of affection.
Perhaps even a kiss, to quiet the devils
And send the bogeymen back to the closet

It is cold where we sleep, so the sweats will be quite
An accomplishment. Perhaps another comforter
(Or even two) will complete this deed.

If I defeat the urge to sleep until my eyelids
Become anvils, maybe I can even break a capillary.
After all, bloodshot is the new bedroom,
As far as eyes are concerned.

As you lie there next to me, far beyond forty winks
I can’t help but notice the rhythm of your breathing,
As if it is setting the music for your dancing eyes.

It’s half past witching, and I violently awake!
“I’ve had a nightmare!” I cry, and I scream
For your rescue.

(Nothing)

The only returning sound
Is that of mocking echoes.
As you lay there motionless, my plan lay foiled
in obvious, pathetic silence

Your closed eyes no longer dance
Your musical breath, now caught tightly in your throat
And for a moment, I see a lonesome tear.
Falling abandoned, as we are.


Yours Always,

The Thoughtful Dodger

[Nate]

Fine job.

I think my actual favorite bit of this piece is the parenthetical "nothing" in the middle.

How ridiculous it is. It is SOMETHING! We must, but cannot, point out "nothing"ness.

You've asked us, with that word, effectively to "think about nothing", an impossibility.

How odd.

I am unsure, given a few uncareful-seeming choices, how much you're aware of.

The best poets can control these [admittedly academically] hilarious contradictions.

You have that "until" ambiguity before, and this written-out "nothing" now. Intentional?

Be honest!

[.torrin.]

No not intentional at all. I'll be perfectly honest, your critique of this made me look at my own work in ways that I never have before. That's one reason why I enjoy sharing literatue on forums like this, you learn so much about your own writing, how to improve it, and how to enhance to areas you are already good at. If you have any other suggestions on how to improve, I'm definately open. Thanks!