Her or her?

***BillSPrestonEsq*** · 11-10-2009, 05:42 PM

The worst that could happen is that you have no problems, because you get stuck in a limbo that I would not wish on my worst enemy. There are infinite numbers of hideous scenarios I could think of.

Kentl · 11-10-2009, 05:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BillSPrestonEsq

The worst that could happen is that you have no problems, because you get stuck in a limbo that I would not wish on my worst enemy. There are infinite numbers of hideous scenarios I could think of.

take it from me i was doing the same thing to and they told me the same thing, i did not do what they said and i regreat it.

crazymoose · 11-10-2009, 08:32 PM

Interesting situation. I'll give you advice from the perspective of a 17 year old who's been dating since he was 16...

I think age doesn't mean a lot, but maturity means everything. Almost no 14 year olds are mature enough to date. Very few people my age are. I spent quite a bit of time and prayer making sure I was ready. And so, I'll give you some things to consider. They're things I thought quite a bit about before even considering dating.

1st. You're fourteen. You're not going to finish school for 3-4 years, and you'll probably have another 3-4 years of university on top of that at least. So basically you can count on having to date for at LEAST 7 years. That's a long time. That's half of your life.

2nd. Do you really understand what true love is? This is one thing that 99% of teens have no grasp of. This is the one thing I see that kills most highschool relationships.

I want to stress first that love is not a feeling. That feeling of stomach being churned every time you see your special someone? That's not love. That's like. Like is an important part of a relationship, but it won't sustain it. You have to realize that at some point, you're not going to like this person as much as you do now. There's going to be times when you're annoyed by them and you just won't like them anymore. It's at those times when your love or lack there-of will be put to the test.

Love is a choice, not a feeling. Love is deciding to love and cherish that person, even when you don't feel like it. Even when you want to pay them back for what they've done to you. Even when you're mad at them. If you're thinking, "I'm never going to not like ______. I'm going to always like her forever" then you need to stop right now. If you can't grasp the concept of love without like, you're not ready. I can promise you, every relationship goes through periods where you really don't like the person. Even if it takes a few years before it happens, it will, and if you're not ready, it will destroy the relationship.

So what exactly is love? Quite simply, love is selflessness. When you love someone, you do everything you can to please them, even if you get nothing in return. You'll go out of your way to make them happy, regardless if they do the same or not. Sounds not that hard when you're thinking about a girl you like, doesn't it? This is where the first part comes back.

Think of someone who annoys you right now, preferably someone who's equally annoyed at you. Would you be willing to "love" them the way I just described, simply because you had decided to? You know they don't deserve it, and you know they won't return it, but would you be willing to make an effort to love them anyway? This is the kind of love you're going to have to show when things get tough. You're going to wonder how the heck this is fair, that you have to work so hard to make someone happy when they seem so ungrateful, but you're going to have to do it anyway, simply because you chose to love them.

That's what true love is. True love is a choice to selflessly serve someone regardless of what they do or how they act.

I can't stress enough how important the concept of choosing to selflessly love is. If you're weighing what you can get out of dating, then dating is not for you. Think of dating not as choosing a person who 'completes you' or 'makes you happy', but think of dating as choosing someone to give of yourself to.

Obviously there are elements of pleasure and reward, but you need to be ready to do what I've described. If you aren't ready to give with no reward then you're wasting your time, and you'll be put through a ton of emotional pain later.

There's nothing wrong with dating at 14, but make sure you understand what love is. I've said it over and over because it's so incredibly important. Make sure you understand what true love is, and you're willing to do it. So many people in highschool base their relationships off of like, only to have them fail catastrophically when they cease to get anything out of the relationship. This is why so many relationships fail. They're based off of selfishness, not selflessness.

Guitarman121319 · 11-10-2009, 09:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by crazymoose

Interesting situation. I'll give you advice from the perspective of a 17 year old who's been dating since he was 16...

I think age doesn't mean a lot, but maturity means everything. Almost no 14 year olds are mature enough to date. Very few people my age are. I spent quite a bit of time and prayer making sure I was ready. And so, I'll give you some things to consider. They're things I thought quite a bit about before even considering dating.

1st. You're fourteen. You're not going to finish school for 3-4 years, and you'll probably have another 3-4 years of university on top of that at least. So basically you can count on having to date for at LEAST 7 years. That's a long time. That's half of your life.

2nd. Do you really understand what true love is? This is one thing that 99% of teens have no grasp of. This is the one thing I see that kills most highschool relationships.

I want to stress first that love is not a feeling. That feeling of stomach being churned every time you see your special someone? That's not love. That's like. Like is an important part of a relationship, but it won't sustain it. You have to realize that at some point, you're not going to like this person as much as you do now. There's going to be times when you're annoyed by them and you just won't like them anymore. It's at those times when your love or lack there-of will be put to the test.

Love is a choice, not a feeling. Love is deciding to love and cherish that person, even when you don't feel like it. Even when you want to pay them back for what they've done to you. Even when you're mad at them. If you're thinking, "I'm never going to not like ______. I'm going to always like her forever" then you need to stop right now. If you can't grasp the concept of love without like, you're not ready. I can promise you, every relationship goes through periods where you really don't like the person. Even if it takes a few years before it happens, it will, and if you're not ready, it will destroy the relationship.

So what exactly is love? Quite simply, love is selflessness. When you love someone, you do everything you can to please them, even if you get nothing in return. You'll go out of your way to make them happy, regardless if they do the same or not. Sounds not that hard when you're thinking about a girl you like, doesn't it? This is where the first part comes back.

Think of someone who annoys you right now, preferably someone who's equally annoyed at you. Would you be willing to "love" them the way I just described, simply because you had decided to? You know they don't deserve it, and you know they won't return it, but would you be willing to make an effort to love them anyway? This is the kind of love you're going to have to show when things get tough. You're going to wonder how the heck this is fair, that you have to work so hard to make someone happy when they seem so ungrateful, but you're going to have to do it anyway, simply because you chose to love them.

That's what true love is. True love is a choice to selflessly serve someone regardless of what they do or how they act.

I can't stress enough how important the concept of choosing to selflessly love is. If you're weighing what you can get out of dating, then dating is not for you. Think of dating not as choosing a person who 'completes you' or 'makes you happy', but think of dating as choosing someone to give of yourself to.

Obviously there are elements of pleasure and reward, but you need to be ready to do what I've described. If you aren't ready to give with no reward then you're wasting your time, and you'll be put through a ton of emotional pain later.

There's nothing wrong with dating at 14, but make sure you understand what love is. I've said it over and over because it's so incredibly important. Make sure you understand what true love is, and you're willing to do it. So many people in highschool base their relationships off of like, only to have them fail catastrophically when they cease to get anything out of the relationship. This is why so many relationships fail. They're based off of selfishness, not selflessness.

Sounds a lot like the way Jesus loves me. The way I found how to know if you love someone (just adding to what you said) Not a feeling in your stmach but your heart. I know someone now and we just had a bad fight (about a week or two ago) were only friends but I just wanted to hold her the entire time. Could that be love?

mulletman · 11-10-2009, 09:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Guitarman121319

Sounds a lot like the way Jesus loves me.

Yes. Go read Ephesians 5:25-27.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Guitarman121319

The way I found how to know if you love someone (just adding to what you said) Not a feeling in your stmach but your heart. I know someone now and we just had a bad fight (about a week or two ago) were only friends but I just wanted to hold her the entire time. Could that be love?

Love =/= feelings of any variety, or location such as the butterflies in the stomach or feeling in the 'heart' as you've described. It can involve feelings, but love isn't a feeling. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 is quite clear about that.

Gods*Armygirl · 11-10-2009, 09:39 PM

Jamey, are you bringing another girl into the picture? Don't wonder if you love all of these girls. You will *know* if and when you do love them. If you're talking a friendship kind of love, then yeah I'm sure you could love her. If you loved her in a romantic way though you would just know, and I don't think you would be questioning which girl to be with.

I know we talked about this already, but I know that you shouldn't be with a girl if you don't have those feelings for her. Just because your Godmother wants you to be doesn't mean you should be. I agree with the advice that's been given to you, and I'm glad that you're praying about this because ultimately that is what you should do, but it seems like you're looking for a girl to be with and a girl to love when you just need to wait for it to happen. I know it's nice to have someone, but it will be worth the wait.

mulletman · 11-10-2009, 09:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gods*Armygirl

Don't wonder if you love all of these girls. You will *know* if and when you do love them. If you're talking a friendship kind of love, then yeah I'm sure you could love her. If you loved her in a romantic way though you would just know....

Yes. You would just "know" because you would have just made the decision to do so.

It certainly isn't passive, and it doesn't just "happen" to people.

crazymoose · 11-10-2009, 10:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Guitarman121319

Sounds a lot like the way Jesus loves me. The way I found how to know if you love someone (just adding to what you said) Not a feeling in your stmach but your heart. I know someone now and we just had a bad fight (about a week or two ago) were only friends but I just wanted to hold her the entire time. Could that be love?

It's exactly the way Jesus loves you. He's the definition of love.

And I'm not sure wanting to hold someone is exactly selfless... Maybe I'm misunderstanding, but this seems like physical attraction, not selflessness.

My intention with the last post was for you to think about that and go study the concepts of love and relationships as a Christian, not to just say "I'm there". I seriously doubt you are, as precious few people our age are. I don't mean to be condescending and call you young and reckless. I'm only 3 years older than you. I've just seen so many Christian highschool relationships fall apart because people jump into them the way you're considering.

Seriously. Wait. Wait for a long time. But during that time, you can read books and talk to people. Learn more about how a Christian relationship should be. Prepare yourself mentally. This isn't a snap decision, this is a serious decision that you're going to need to put a LOT of thought into if you don't want to fail.

Besides, at your age, unless you're really abnormal, your spending your time growing up in all the other areas of your life. You're still figuring out who you are as a man, not a boy. The last thing you want to be doing is dumping one of the toughest aspects of manhood upon yourself.

I know I seem to be a hypocrite as I'm dating at such a young age. Please realize that I spent months and months making sure I was ready. The girl I'm dating I've known since kindergarten and we've become more and more friends over that time. The last few months of preparing I spent making sure that I could truly make a decision to love her. I spent many sleepless nights thinking it over and over. I put a TON of thought into being ready for this. I've never been one to go totally crazy over a girl, so there's been times already where I don't feel like helping her with her problems, and yet I do anyway because I've made a decision to do so. I truly want the best for her regardless of how I feel at the moment. I truly want the best for her even when she doesn't want the best for me.

I can brag about all that, and yet I'm still unsure if I did this too soon. This is a difficult choice. When I say spend a lot of time, I don't mean hours, I don't mean days, I mean like months or years. You don't want to screw this up, because 'the worst that can happen' is a NASTY situation that I've seen tons of Christian people get into because they were unprepared, and you really don't want to be there.

crazymoose · 11-10-2009, 10:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by The Phantom Mullet

Love =/= feelings of any variety, or location such as the butterflies in the stomach or feeling in the 'heart' as you've described. It can involve feelings, but love isn't a feeling. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 is quite clear about that.

Yes. Exactly. Feelings will fade. You have to realize this. It doesn't matter how pure or right the feeling is, it will always fade eventually. You need to make a choice to love. You need to make a choice to put the other first. And by put first, I don't mean doing them favours knowing they'll do you favours in return.

Please make sure you understand this concept, or you're in for a world of emotional hurt.

Gods*Armygirl · 11-10-2009, 10:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by The Phantom Mullet

Yes. You would just "know" because you would have just made the decision to do so.

It certainly isn't passive, and it doesn't just "happen" to people.

I'm not saying he isn't making the decision to do so. I'm saying that he's asking whether he loves these girls or not when obviously that is something that only he can answer because he will know whether or not he does. If he's talking about in a romantic way then he needs to stop and think.

He can't just decide to love someone and there's that. It does *happen* to people because it does involve how you feel about the person. It's a mix of choosing a knowing.

bobthecockroach · 11-10-2009, 10:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by The Phantom Mullet

Love =/= feelings of any variety, or location such as the butterflies in the stomach or feeling in the 'heart' as you've described. It can involve feelings, but love isn't a feeling. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 is quite clear about that.

Song of Solomon 3:1-4; 7:1-9a (ESV)
On my bed by night I sought him whom my soul loves;
I sought him, but found him not.
I will rise now and go about the city,
in the streets and in the squares;
I will seek him whom my soul loves.
I sought him, but found him not.
The watchmen found me
as they went about in the city.
"Have you seen him whom my soul loves?" Scarcely had I passed them
when I found him whom my soul loves.
I held him, and would not let him go
until I had brought him into my mother’s house,
and into the chamber of her who conceived me.

How beautiful are your feet in sandals,
O noble daughter!
Your rounded thighs are like jewels,
the work of a master hand.
Your navel is a rounded bowl
that never lacks mixed wine.
Your belly is a heap of wheat,
encircled with lilies.
Your two breasts are like two fawns,
twins of a gazelle.
Your neck is like an ivory tower. Your eyes are pools in Heshbon,
by the gate of Bath-rabbim.
Your nose is like a tower of Lebanon,
which looks toward Damascus.
Your head crowns you like Carmel,
and your flowing locks are like purple;
a king is held captive in the tresses.

How beautiful and pleasant you are,
O loved one, with all your delights!
Your stature is like a palm tree,
and your breasts are like its clusters.
I say I will climb the palm tree
and lay hold of its fruit.
Oh may your breasts be like clusters of the vine,
and the scent of your breath like apples,
and your mouth like the best wine.

Just saying.

**RK_lover** · 11-10-2009, 11:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bobthecockroach

Song of Solomon 3:1-4; 7:1-9a (ESV)
On my bed by night I sought him whom my soul loves;
I sought him, but found him not.
I will rise now and go about the city,
in the streets and in the squares;
I will seek him whom my soul loves.
I sought him, but found him not.
The watchmen found me
as they went about in the city.
"Have you seen him whom my soul loves?" Scarcely had I passed them
when I found him whom my soul loves.
I held him, and would not let him go
until I had brought him into my mother’s house,
and into the chamber of her who conceived me.

How beautiful are your feet in sandals,
O noble daughter!
Your rounded thighs are like jewels,
the work of a master hand.
Your navel is a rounded bowl
that never lacks mixed wine.
Your belly is a heap of wheat,
encircled with lilies.
Your two breasts are like two fawns,
twins of a gazelle.
Your neck is like an ivory tower. Your eyes are pools in Heshbon,
by the gate of Bath-rabbim.
Your nose is like a tower of Lebanon,
which looks toward Damascus.
Your head crowns you like Carmel,
and your flowing locks are like purple;
a king is held captive in the tresses.

How beautiful and pleasant you are,
O loved one, with all your delights!
Your stature is like a palm tree,
and your breasts are like its clusters.
I say I will climb the palm tree
and lay hold of its fruit.
Oh may your breasts be like clusters of the vine,
and the scent of your breath like apples,
and your mouth like the best wine.

Just saying.

Amen.

*edit* I bet she was worth at least 47 camels.

mulletman · 11-10-2009, 11:02 PM

Yes. Clearly attraction is involved. I don't think anyone ever denied that.

bobthecockroach · 11-10-2009, 11:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by The Phantom Mullet

Yes. Clearly there is the attraction side of the equation. I don't think anyone ever denied that.

If you weren't denying it, then you were being very unclear.

mulletman · 11-10-2009, 11:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bobthecockroach

If you weren't denying it, then you were being very unclear.

I probably could have been clearer, and for that, I apologize. I was simply trying to emphasize the biblical description of love that is very much action and attitude based. My own poor use of the English language strikes again.