Her or her?

***BillSPrestonEsq*** · 11-08-2009, 03:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kent|

My parents say not how old you are, but how mature you are. With age comes maturity. They also said if I keep up in the word of God, by 16 I would be mature enough to date. I can have a girlfriend however.

With age maturity can come.
At 16, I really, really do not think you are ready to date. My reasoning is this.

If absolutely everything goes great, you have a few years before marriage, which will guaranteed tax the relationship. Trust the guy who was engaged for 3+ years on this, and married his high school sweetheart. You end up being the proverbial dog who caught the car.

And really, to be blunt with you, your walk with the Lord is only a piece of the equation. One can be very grounded in scripture, and still not be ready to handle a romantic relationship. I know a guy, 24, who is struggling with that right now. He has a seminary degree, but when he tried to start a romantic relationship, frankly, he was not emotionally astute enough to handle it, and things imploded. It has caused major backlash in his health, his motivation, and his walk with God.

Age IS a very important factor. Knowing God IS an important factor. However those are by NO means the only important factors.

If you can't date, having a girlfriend is just frankly a silly idea.

**Rainer.** · 11-08-2009, 06:49 PM

Maturity is also still only one factor in the big equation.

I'm going to repeat exactly something BSPE just said: The right relationship at the wrong time will implode.

At your age, it's more likely than not the wrong time, even if you think you're mature enough. Don't exclusively commit to a girl or pursue a girl until you're darn well sure that you're at the right age, you're mature enough, it's the right time, and your parents approve of it (if you are still under their roof).

For you, I don't think it's the right time at all.

Guitarman121319 · 11-08-2009, 07:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by KentI

Maturity is also still only one factor in the big equation.

I'm going to repeat exactly something BSPE just said: The right relationship at the wrong time will implode.

At your age, it's more likely than not the wrong time, even if you think you're mature enough. Don't exclusively commit to a girl or pursue a girl until you're darn well sure that you're at the right age, you're mature enough, it's the right time, and your parents approve of it (if you are still under their roof).

For you, I don't think it's the right time at all.

For you and BSPE honest question I really want to do the right thing:
How will I know how to act around/treat the girl if I don't start?

I was talking to my pastor also and he say's the same my parents/Bobthecockroach said.

It is hard to do the right thing if I have these people saying this is right and these saying that is right. Unless it is biblical I will just have to continue to pray on it.

***BillSPrestonEsq*** · 11-08-2009, 09:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kent|

For you and BSPE honest question I really want to do the right thing:
How will I know how to act around/treat the girl if I don't start?

Be a friend, but do not start what you can't finish.

bobthecockroach · 11-08-2009, 10:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BillSPrestonEsq

I don't think age is completely a number. It is a factor. Nobody is proposing 3 year olds should date.

I certainly agree with what you're saying. Of course, the reason 3 year olds shouldn't date isn't that 3 is intrinsically a bad number for your age when dating. It's that human don't mature fast enough to date at 3 years old. While there may be a zero probability of a three year old being ready to date, the probability has to be at least slightly higher than zero for 14. When I say age is a number I mean that while it gives this probability, it doesn't give any absolute rules. I think we would agree here. You aren't automatically excluded from dating by being 14, it's just that the probability of you being ready is maybe 0.01, while at 28, it may be 0.99.

bobthecockroach · 11-08-2009, 10:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kent|

How will I know how to act around/treat the girl if I don't start?

I don't mean to be (completely) absurd, but how do you know you shouldn't kill people until you try it? The Bible and common sense. The whole purpose of learning anything at all is so you can apply it in new situations. There would be no reason to learn anything if you couldn't use what you learned to make better decisions in the future.

You learn how to treat a spouse by learning how to treat a girlfriend, a girlfriend by learning how to treat a friend, a friend by learning how to treat a family member. You learn how to treat a spouse by reading science fiction novels and by loading groceries into your car in the pouring rain. If it sounds like I'm being completely random, that's because *I am*. The human mind is designed to gather information from a wide variety of seemingly random sources and to apply it in new and unexpected ways. To say that you can't learn about a situation without directly experiencing it is to say you're less than human.

**Rainer.** · 11-09-2009, 12:15 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kent|

For you and BSPE honest question I really want to do the right thing:
How will I know how to act around/treat the girl if I don't start?

Treat her like a girl. Avoid exclusivity. The moment you start acting like you're in a relationship, that's the moment you've started a relationship, and like BSPE said, don't start what you can't finish.

You're steering the boat. Don't start drifting away from everyone else and towards her island unless you're sure you're equipped to land. Because a relationship is like a strong current that'll take you there in no time flat.

**The Phantom Mullet** · 11-09-2009, 11:03 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BillSPrestonEsq

The right relationship at the wrong time will implode.

This. If you listen to one thing said in this entire thread, listen to the line quoted above. I've lived it, and it is hell.

Quote:

Originally Posted by BillSPrestonEsq

Be a friend, but do not start what you can't finish.

Yes. I'd actually even take this a step further. Do not start what you cannot hope to make meaningful and significant progress in, in the somewhat near future. A relationship that has the goal of waiting for circumstances to provide for progress is doomed to inaction, apathy, and resignation by the people involved.

And to address one last thing.....

You don't need to have had a girlfriend to know how to treat one. Read what the Bible states wives (women) deserve. It is a picture of perfection. To use (and that's what you'd be doing, unless you are actively seeking to make progress toward a marriage with her) a woman to simply practice how to treat one, is quite simply disgusting. I have had one girlfriend in my life. I can say with a fair amount of certainty that I have a pretty solid grasp on how she should, and should not be treated. Does that mean I always act in perfect accordance with that ideal? No. I am human. But the knowledge of the ideal requires no experience in flawed human relationships.

What I'm getting at is this: When will you be ready to have a girlfriend? Here's my answer. When you are ready and capable to do the work to make progress toward a marriage. You can say you intend to consider marrying someone until you're blue in the face. Intentions without a plan of action and the capability to make that plan reality are as useless as a complete lack of intentions. Worse, even, as you will be fooling both of you that you actually have those intentions.

Guitarman121319 · 11-09-2009, 11:29 AM

TPM that makes a lot of since. How do you know if I am ready? I have been planing my future and is saving money to help make my plan reality. It is more to that I know.

Is the only reason to have a girl friend is to find who you will marry? Or can you be looking for someone to share how your feeling with in way you can't with your friends?

**Rainer.** · 11-09-2009, 11:55 AM

Quote:

Or can you be looking for someone to share how your feeling with in way you can't with your friends?

You could... but think about it: That's selfish. And it's not that simple; it's never that simple.

Here in this thread, you've heard the wisdom from a lot of men a lot older than you who have been through the making and breaking of serious relationships, and have gone through all the hell that goes with it.

Bottom line is that you need to take relationships seriously. There are implications that go far beyond having a close friend when you start treating a girl differently than other girls. She's not there to satisfy your need for companionship, you're there to prepare to devote and commit your entire life to her, and if you're not ready to do that, then you're definitely not ready to take a single step in the direction of a relationship. That step is a slippery slope.

Guitarman121319 · 11-09-2009, 12:06 PM

What is the worst that could happen if I don't wait?

I think you all ready said so but I can't remember.

**Rainer.** · 11-09-2009, 12:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kent|

What is the worst that could happen if I don't wait?

I can guarantee you that once it happens, it's something you wish would have never happened, and that if you knew it was coming, you would have done almost anything you could have to avoid it.

MisterDominator · 11-09-2009, 12:48 PM

serving unconditionally and sacrificially is probably the best preparation for any relationship. it sounds like you are craving intimacy based on your responses. that is a slippery slope, certainly applicable to the "don't start what you can't finish" advice. good intentions are no substitute for wisdom.

what is the worse that could happen if you don't wait? look around you, the world should provide example enough.

Guitarman121319 · 11-09-2009, 01:07 PM

Once again I have every ones opinion. Y'all have answered all my question. I will continue to pray and seek Gods advice. Thanks to all who shared there opinion(s). I'm not saying I will or wont wait... I don't know. I now have something to think and pray about. Again thanks for your opinions.

With the up most love, Jamey.

**The Phantom Mullet** · 11-09-2009, 05:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kent|

Is the only reason to have a girl friend is to find who you will marry?

It's the only honorable reason that I can think of.....

Quote:

Originally Posted by kent|

Or can you be looking for someone to share how your feeling with in way you can't with your friends?

If this is your problem, focus on the friendships that you have, or get new friends. As Jon pointed out, that is extremely selfish thinking. "Love is not self-serving..."

Quote:

Originally Posted by kent|

What is the worst that could happen if I don't wait?

What does the word "Hell" actually mean to you? How about the feeling of wishing you could cease to exist on this earth, and being terrified of yourself and your own actions? Or much worse than that, knowing that you have brought that very pain upon the most precious person in your life through your own actions? I have lived this recently. It is still very fresh in my mind. I would not wish this upon my worst enemy. Do not even begin to engage in a cost/benefit analysis of this situation.

If you have to ask 'what's the worst that could happen?' ..... there is a good chance that whatever you're about to do is just really really stupid.