Is it ok to pursue someone even if you can't date?

scared2mosh · 10-24-2009, 09:54 PM

I know that this is going to probably seem like a rather immature question, but...

There is this girl I know who I have been friends with for a long time. Over the last few months I have really grown to like her and I believe she feels the same way. However, my parents have decided I can't date till I graduate HS, and based on what I have seen with her older siblings I think her family has the same rule. Problem is I am currently only a Junior in HS (I'm 16) and she is a Freshman (she's 14) (being that we are both homeschooled, and that I have known her for 11 years I personally don't think the two year difference matters.)

Any ways, my question is is it wrong to pursue her? Would it be wrong for me to tell her how I feel about her even though I cant date? I'm afraid that if I dont say anything she will believe that I dont have that kind of an interest in her, but I'm afraid to say anything because of the fact that we are both still pretty young.

Once again I know this probably just seems like a teenager looking for unnecessary drama, but I would like all of your opinions nevertheless.

scared2mosh
(Dan)

OiBoyz · 10-24-2009, 10:00 PM

What would it accomplish that being friends and getting to know her as a person would not? Besides adding temptation into the mix?

scared2mosh · 10-24-2009, 10:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by OiBoyz

What would it accomplish that being friends and getting to know her as a person would not? Besides adding temptation into the mix?

Like I said. My fear is that if I dont tell her she will think I'm not interested and then become interested in someone else... If I were to talk to her we would still only be friends, but if we still felt the same way in a few years when we can date then we would already know how we both felt.

Still... I dont know whether it would be out of line/ innapropriate since she is only 14.

**Rainer.** · 10-24-2009, 11:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by scared2mosh

Any ways, my question is is it wrong to pursue her? Would it be wrong for me to tell her how I feel about her even though I cant date?

Yes, and yes.

Showing romantic interest in her will make things very complicated very fast, and irreversibly so.

k-lub242 · 10-25-2009, 01:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rainer.

Yes, and yes.

Showing romantic interest in her will make things very complicated very fast, and irreversibly so.

I would have to totally agree here, waiting is a much safer bet. Patience pays off in the long run, take it from people who have been impatient and ruined things

OiBoyz · 10-25-2009, 02:16 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by scared2mosh

My fear is that if I dont tell her she will think I'm not interested and then become interested in someone else...

She's a girl. Not the last donut on the tray. She will get interested in someone else. So will you. You've both got a lot of time before you're ready for any kind of serious relationship, even if both sets of parents agreed to let you date now.

Quote:

If I were to talk to her we would still only be friends, but if we still felt the same way in a few years when we can date then we would already know how we both felt.

And neither of you will feel the same way in two years. Or four. Trust me, teenage hormones tell you this stuff is permanent, but I can't even tell you the names of the boys I would die without back then.

Quote:

Still... I dont know whether it would be out of line/ innapropriate since she is only 14.

She's barely a teenager. Slow down there, bucky. You get a new haircut and look what happens!

**Leboman** · 10-25-2009, 10:16 AM

1- Exactly what do you mean when you use the word "pursue" in this context? That seems to indicate an active violation of the rules your parents have set down for you. If that is the case, then I would have to say no.

2- I don't think there is anything wrong with telling this young lady how you feel as long as you are committed to obeying both sets of parents and the boundaries they have set forth. Some seem to say that your age keeps these feeling from being valid, I say bunk. I have two friends that began dating in eighth grade (13 years old) and are still together at age 39. It's unlikely, but it does happen.

3- I personally believe you are both awfully young for any sort of serious relationship but as long as you behave within the parameters of God's word and the will of your parents, I don't see why it would be that big of a deal.

**The wirerat** · 10-25-2009, 10:54 AM

Continue to pursue the friendship with her, but nothing more. If anything, you'll have a wonderful friendship with someone. Adding romance in now, especially if you can't date just complicates things and will ruin your friendship (speaking from experience). 16 and 14 are awfully young, as previous posters have said. Get some maturity, not only in your life, but in your friendship with her. Focus on God and your relationship with Him. If its something that He has for both of you, you will end up together. Just take it nice and slow.

**Rainer.** · 10-25-2009, 12:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Leboman

2- I don't think there is anything wrong with telling this young lady how you feel as long as you are committed to obeying both sets of parents and the boundaries they have set forth.

I do. I think by telling her how you feel, you would be implicitly defining your relationship with her, and therefore violating the boundaries your parents have created (including unnecessary complication). I do think your feelings are valid, and attempting to convince yourself otherwise is not going to work, but I still think sharing those feelings with her would be starting a romance that cannot exist for the time being.

**earlessdog** · 10-25-2009, 12:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by scared2mosh

Still... I dont know whether it would be out of line/ innapropriate since she is only 14.

Yes I think it would. 14 is really young, I mean the average girl plays with dolls till she's as much as 13.
Just think of how have you have changed since you were 14, it can be a big difference. From when I was 14 to 16, I thought I was in love with a few different people. I started dating someone when I was 16 and now that I'm 19, I can't imagine still dating her.
In my own opinion, I think it's a great idea to wait until you finish high school, trust me it will be worth it. You may save yourself from a lot of potential pain and embarrassment.

My two cents.

OiBoyz · 10-25-2009, 01:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Leboman

Some seem to say that your age keeps these feeling from being valid, I say bunk. I have two friends that began dating in eighth grade (13 years old) and are still together at age 39. It's unlikely, but it does happen.

If you're referring to my post, I didn't say (and don't think) that those feelings are invalid. Or that they're not real. They're very real. And very intense. And at the time you can't imagine them ever changing.

My point was that as intense as they are, they're going to change. Your friends are the exception, as even you recognize.

scared2mosh · 10-25-2009, 02:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rainer.

Yes, and yes.

Showing romantic interest in her will make things very complicated very fast, and irreversibly so.

Well the thing is I have tried to show her how I felt without saying anything.. do you believe that that too is wrong?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Leboman

1- Exactly what do you mean when you use the word "pursue" in this context? That seems to indicate an active violation of the rules your parents have set down for you. If that is the case, then I would have to say no.

I don't know.. flirting? Obviously nothing inappropriate. Even if I did tell her it wouldn't be a formal relationship. We would just be friends who knew how we felt about each other.

Quote:

Originally Posted by earlessdog

Yes I think it would. 14 is really young, I mean the average girl plays with dolls till she's as much as 13.

Yeah I guess that's true... although like I said she is rather mature for her age.

So basically I should just be friends and if in a few years I still feel the same way then I could tell her how I feel?

jthomas1600 · 10-25-2009, 03:09 PM

Here's something I haven't seen mentioned yet. Have you talked to your parents about this? Of course no mater the outcome of those conversations (this is probably more than a "one conversation" issue) you would still have to respect her family's standards. But I still think some conversation with your parents is warranted. In my mind (and I'm a parent with similar views and standards) to simply say "no dating" does not give you much guidance. There can be a lot of stages between friendship and dating. Have they specifically forbid you from having any kind of unique relationship? By that I mean "I like you, you like me, but at this point we're not dating". Let me stress, I'm not suggesting you find some kind of loophole or start badgering your parents. But open and continued dialog is always good.

scared2mosh · 10-25-2009, 03:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jthomas1600

Here's something I haven't seen mentioned yet. Have you talked to your parents about this? Of course no mater the outcome of those conversations (this is probably more than a "one conversation" issue) you would still have to respect her family's standards. But I still think some conversation with your parents is warranted. In my mind (and I'm a parent with similar views and standards) to simply say "no dating" does not give you much guidance.

indeed...

Quote:

There can be a lot of stages between friendship and dating. Have they specifically forbid you from having any kind of unique relationship? By that I mean "I like you, you like me, but at this point we're not dating". Let me stress, I'm not suggesting you find some kind of loophole or start badgering your parents. But open and continued dialog is always good.

That's kind of what I want... I guess you could call it an informed friendship...

Problem is I'm not really sure about whether my parents would be ok with that... I haven't really talked to them because even they tend to freak out about stuff rather easily.

jthomas1600 · 10-25-2009, 03:37 PM

If you asked my kids they would tell you I tend to freak out too. It's the nature of being parents. In fact one of my kids is on here from time to time. If he sees this he may PM you and tell you I freak out all the time. That's why I suggest a series of conversation as opposed to "mom, dad, I want to talk to you about the possibility of having a relationship with Beth". Start with some dialog about relationships in general. One of my kids has enjoyed more freedom at any given age than the other three. One reason is that she's always talking ahead....you know like "next year when I'm in fifth grade and I"....that way we can talk through things and she knows in advance what we will and won't let her due and what we expect in return.

Again, I don't advocate looking for loopholes or giving your parents too much of a hard time. In the end, it's just a year and a half for you to wait.