problem getting married:(

jehannash · 10-20-2009, 02:01 AM

im 22 and i have a boyfriend, and we're comfortable with each other.. we wanna get married and we had already plans for the future and everything but the problem is my parents doesnt want him..its because the guy has a bad past about girls.. and my parents said it would be a shame for them to let me marry that guy because of his reputation..i feel bad, i really love him and i know He loves me too..i dont know what to do.. i hope anyone could give me a piece of advice..

Pre-Ex-Girlfriend · 10-20-2009, 02:14 AM

Have you talked to your boyfriend about this? Are your parents worried that he hasn't changed?

jehannash · 10-20-2009, 03:02 AM

yeah..we've talked about it.. and its not about that my parents dont want,.. ammm its because the guy had a bad reputation..about its past.. actually my bf is a pastor..he's 25... and he got suspended in the ministry for 1 yr because of trouble in girls in his past.. but i know now that he's serious to me.. and we love each other..its just that the shadow of his past is constantly making trouble in our present now...

...i dont know how to convinced my parents about it..

**bravesfan007** · 10-20-2009, 09:34 AM

Though I am not a female, I do have to ask, how long have you been seeing this fellow? If it's for a short time, you should probably consider giving it more time and thought. Your parents only want the best for you and he will have to earn their trust. He may never earn it, but over time he may be able to.

Pre-Ex-Girlfriend · 10-20-2009, 02:16 PM

I'm going to go out on a limb here and assume that your parents love you and aren't just trying to make your life miserable. In fact, it sounds like they are trying to keep you from doing something that they think will cause you misery. You are in a hard place - you may feel like you have to decide between your boyfriend and your parents. That isn't a fun place to be. Maybe you should sit down with your parents and your boyfriend all together and talk through it. Tell them all how you feel at once and they can do the same.

OiBoyz · 10-20-2009, 02:35 PM

You say he's a Pastor and was suspended from ministry. That sounds like more than just a "bad reputation." Did he comply with the church discipline when he was suspended? Is he in good standing with his elders and congregation now? What is their counsel? Don't act like the past doesn't matter. It may not be a deal breaker, but it's stupid to ignore it.

**Sean** · 10-20-2009, 03:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jehannash

yeah..we've talked about it.. and its not about that my parents dont want,.. ammm its because the guy had a bad reputation..about its past.. actually my bf is a pastor..he's 25... and he got suspended in the ministry for 1 yr because of trouble in girls in his past.. but i know now that he's serious to me.. and we love each other..its just that the shadow of his past is constantly making trouble in our present now...

...i dont know how to convinced my parents about it..

If he's only 25 and was suspended from ministry for a year, this incident must have happened within the last 5 years. It's very reasonable of your parents to be skeptical of him.

Quote:

Originally Posted by OiBoyz

Is he in good standing with his elders and congregation now? What is their counsel?

This is kind of the key right here. If the church and it's leadership don't think he's in a good place to get married, you'd be foolish to continue to pursue marriage. However they're highly supportive of the decision, perhaps some of the people in the church can talk to your family about it.

Folk_guy · 10-20-2009, 04:44 PM

This is a difficult position to be in, it's hard for me to give you advice without knowing all the details. My thinking would be that I'm sure your parents are trying to look out for your best interest, but at your age this is a decision that you have to make. I'm not saying your parents concerns shouldn't be taken into consideration, but they may be a bit over protective (many of us parents can get that way). Spend a long time dating, really get to know this person, then spend a reasonable amount of time engaged. Don't rush into things. Getting his supervising pastor (if he has one) to talk to your parents about how he is doing since his suspension might help ease some of their concerns. A good reputation is ruined quickly, and takes time to restore, but it is something he can overcome in time. I would say don't rush into a decision, but keep in mind that it is ultimately your decision, and not your parents. Only you can know if he is the right person for you or not.

jehannash · 10-22-2009, 07:33 AM

Thank you guys.. yeah its true that reputations ruined so quickly. i heard so many good things about him in His ministry..its undeniable that He has been active and has been trusted by his senior pastor..But just like anyone else, just one mistake and all the good things you've done will be quickly forgotten..and the incident did not happen within the last 5 years but just this year actually.. though His senior pastor wanted to give him the chance but its only for the sake of the opinions of others-He got suspended.. we all know that His S.Pastor doesnt want to suspend him but the other side were insisting of it that's why He got suspended

.... i didnt have problem much with my mom but with my dad, He's a very closed minded person.. and even my mom doesnt go along with him most of the time.. and i sometimes feel no peace in our own home..

jehannash · 10-22-2009, 07:43 AM

though i know He also had that piece of mistake, yeah all of us go through it.. but i've seen that He's sorry for it..He even went to the other side to ask for apology..but i know it takes time..specially that my dad heard about that bad incident but never heard about the whole and real story..And my dad is the kind of person that doesnt usually accept and listen explanation..He always believes what He thinks is right. and that's not just ffrom me huh! even my brother..my mom.. has that the same view about my dad's personality..And Its really hard for me..so hard...

tlj009 · 10-22-2009, 10:30 AM

Quote:

Thank you guys.. yeah its true that reputations ruined so quickly. i heard so many good things about him in His ministry..its undeniable that He has been active and has been trusted by his senior pastor..But just like anyone else, just one mistake and all the good things you've done will be quickly forgotten..and the incident did not happen within the last 5 years but just this year actually.. though His senior pastor wanted to give him the chance but its only for the sake of the opinions of others-He got suspended.. we all know that His S.Pastor doesnt want to suspend him but the other side were insisting of it that's why He got suspended .... i didnt have problem much with my mom but with my dad, He's a very closed minded person.. and even my mom doesnt go along with him most of the time.. and i sometimes feel no peace in our own home..

Now I am a little skeptical that you should get married. It happened this year? I really don't know what happened except that it was with a girl that wasn't you. So if you weren't going out at the time, then I do think that you are rushing it. If you were going out at the time, I think that you should spend a lot more time with him before just marrying him. There should be a few betrayal issues to work through first.

Also know that people don't just change. Now I am sure that this instance isn't that serious, otherwise much more would have probably been done to him. But many wife beaters are sorry after they beat their wife, only to do it again a month or six months down the road. Same with cheaters, porn addicts, etc. Only time will tell if this case is an isolated incident or the first of a developing pattern in his life.

**Skeeter** · 10-22-2009, 12:02 PM

How long have you been dating?

***BillSPrestonEsq*** · 10-22-2009, 12:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jehannash

im 22 and i have a boyfriend, and we're comfortable with each other.. we wanna get married and we had already plans for the future and everything but the problem is my parents doesnt want him..its because the guy has a bad past about girls.. and my parents said it would be a shame for them to let me marry that guy because of his reputation..i feel bad, i really love him and i know He loves me too..i dont know what to do.. i hope anyone could give me a piece of advice..

What is this bad past? What was he suspended for? I ask because that makes a tremendous difference.

jehannash · 10-23-2009, 11:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by tlj009

Now I am a little skeptical that you should get married. It happened this year? I really don't know what happened except that it was with a girl that wasn't you. So if you weren't going out at the time, then I do think that you are rushing it. If you were going out at the time, I think that you should spend a lot more time with him before just marrying him. There should be a few betrayal issues to work through first.

Also know that people don't just change. Now I am sure that this instance isn't that serious, otherwise much more would have probably been done to him. But many wife beaters are sorry after they beat their wife, only to do it again a month or six months down the road. Same with cheaters, porn addicts, etc. Only time will tell if this case is an isolated incident or the first of a developing pattern in his life.

yeah it was with a girl that wasnt me.. it was a girl just before me.. her ex gf is saying some stuff in their past, some of it were true, some of it were not..She wants him to come back to her. I dont know how to explain..Her senior pastor, and elders, yeah they've been wanting him to get married so that he can settle down and also in ministry..but as of now, we really dont know how we could get through all of these..Maybe we just need more time

jehannash · 10-23-2009, 11:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Folk_guy

This is a difficult position to be in, it's hard for me to give you advice without knowing all the details. My thinking would be that I'm sure your parents are trying to look out for your best interest, but at your age this is a decision that you have to make. I'm not saying your parents concerns shouldn't be taken into consideration, but they may be a bit over protective (many of us parents can get that way). Spend a long time dating, really get to know this person, then spend a reasonable amount of time engaged. Don't rush into things. Getting his supervising pastor (if he has one) to talk to your parents about how he is doing since his suspension might help ease some of their concerns. A good reputation is ruined quickly, and takes time to restore, but it is something he can overcome in time. I would say don't rush into a decision, but keep in mind that it is ultimately your decision, and not your parents. Only you can know if he is the right person for you or not.

I think your right about spending a long time dating..and spend much time engaged.. I think there's nothing wrong with it.. its just our feelings.. huh..