[ICTHUS]

Hey folks,

So I'm here in Tasmania staying with my dad and stepfamily (His wife, Lisa, and her two children, Harry and Bea (Beatrice)) on his 50-acre farm (it's beautiful) and things have been a little awkward.

Lisa and I haven't got along, really, until just recently. At first I considered her "that ☺☺☺☺☺ that stole my dad away from my mom" and nothing she did could really change my opinion, even though she did some really nice things for me (she's a chef, and she made me some meals during a time when both my mom and dad were away, when I was living in Australia). She's been really helpful to me when I've been here at their home in Tassie too. When Dad and Lisa got married in Whistler in 2004 I pretty well made no bones about how I felt about it, even though I came to the wedding, and sort of cold-shouldered them both - for a couple of reasons. One was that I was still going through the "WTBH my parents are divorced?" phase since it had really only been a year or so, and then there's the fact that at the time I was a committed Roman Catholic, and the RCC (well, really, Jesus does, but the RCC codifies it into a big mountain of doctrinal paper) takes a very serious view of divorce.

Well, I've found talking to my stepmom awkward to say the least. It doesn't help that I mentioned to dad when we were driving home from the airport in Launcheston about how I wouldn't mind finding a church here in Wynyard when I'm staying here, and would that be okay...and Dad brought up "Lisa is a 'confirmed atheist'" - apparently Lisa's dad was involved with some kind of Australian skeptics organization based out of Monash University in Melbourne, so that's the environment she was raised in, so I'm constantly dreading that if she asks me about church (I went to this random church that I don't think I'll go back to last Sunday, I'll post more about that in my journal) she'll start tearing into me about something, because the only person I know who would append anything other than 'atheist' onto a description of their religious beliefs or lack thereof, writes vitriolic letters to UVic's school newspaper condemning anything and everything about any kind of religious belief whatsoever that happens to strike his fancy that week, and leads a Secular Humanist organization on campus. That combined with the fact that I think it's just in Lisa's nature to be a little sarcastic and snarky at times (though not in a mean way, my dad assures me) means that every time I try to talk to her I'm freaking out.

Moving onto my siblings. I don't have any biological siblings, so this is a new experience for me. Needless to say I'm keen to have a lasting relationship with the two of them, which I haven't been the best at building up to this point.

My stepbrother Harry is 14, but he has Aspergers syndrome and some developmental delay (he has a mental age of 9, Lisa says). He's extremely talkative and I daresay affectionate towards me (he gives me hugs at random) and is stoked that he has a 'big brother'. There aren't really any problems with Harry that aren't things that I absolutely don't blame him for because I understand his condition (I've been studying speech sciences and language disorders at University in order to go on and be a speech pathologist to help kids just like Harry, in fact) - like he will tell me about his pokemon game on his Nintendo DS or something and I uh..just can't bring myself to care? To be quite honest, and I'll say something like "That's neat, Harry!" and hope he gets off the subject just by the acknowledgement. This seems contemptful of him, though, and I don't quite know how to deal with that, and I definitely don't want to brush him off or show my brother contempt. Any suggestions?

My step-sister Bea is a tougher nut to crack. She's Harry's twin, so 14, but of typical development (read: 'normal'). I first met her when she was...8..I think, and we got on great, she was a pretty energetic kid and she used to come and jump on me to get me out of bed in the morning whenever Lisa and the kids would be around (this was towards the end of my time living in Australia and at the end of my parents marriage). One thing that really burns my conscience, that I haven't really had a chance to apologize to Bea for, was that one morning she came to 'wake me up' in typical fashion and I wasn't in the mood, and I sort of yelled at her. She cried, (as you do when the previously friendly 18 year old yells at you, I guess?) and I honestly have forgotten what interaction we had after that (the memory of the period around my parents divorce is patchy at best) up until my Dad and Lisa got married in 2004. Forward to now, I haven't seen the lot of them since 2004. Bea is absolutely nuts over horses (she's just starting dressage training at the moment) and I don't really ride (my disability makes horseback riding difficult) so there's not much common ground. She only talks to me when I talk to her (and I've been trying) and doesn't really converse, just answers my questions. She injured herself on a jump post doing dressage on Sunday and I tried to talk to her as she was watching TV sort of nursing her knee and she barely said anything to me. It's frustrating to say the least, but this is pretty typical teenager behaviour, so I understand (I was probably like that at her age, I just don't remember).

So now that I've rambled on for 2 pages or so, does anyone have any advice here? It would be much appreciated.

Oh: I'm going to be here until Nov 22nd, in case anyone is curious how much longer I'll be here. Dad and I are talking about making the Tassie visits yearly, though, possibly around the time of Harry and Bea's birthdays in June.

[Nate]

Ryan, it sounds like you've been given the exact three people you need in your life to further your own personal, educational, and spiritual development.

From the step-mom who can show you that atheists can still be nice, to the step-brother who gives you a chance to inject some practical humanity into your knowledge of speech development, to the step-sister who is acting exactly how a sibling ought to act and can help you learn to build familial bonds that are based on more than common interest.

Divorce is terrible. I am, like you, a child of a divorce that happened during my teen years. My dad has re-married and I've encountered some of these issues.

People aren't terrible, though. People are flawed. I think when we learn to interact with people who have hurt us or to whose flaws we are most deeply exposed [our families fall into both of these categories, moreso than anyone else we interact with!], we learn to handle our own flaws and failings better. The difficulty of it is a trial you should count as joy.

[ICTHUS]

You're right, Nate. I'm learning a lot about having a family again, as it were, by being around Lisa, Bea and Harry.

Last night I accidentally did one of Bea's chores (as in, I had no idea it was her responsibility) and she seemed pretty happy about it. I think I'm just going to find ways that I can be of service to my family, and the best way I can think of is to do things that would otherwise be their responsibility. I've got to be careful doing things that are normally my brother's job though because he likes routine (comes with the territory with any form of Autism Spectrum Disorder) and gets a bit confused and thrown off track if things aren't relatively routine.

Lisa is getting easier to talk to once I realized I didn't have to be nervous with her. She's actually pretty nice if you ignore the occasional snark here and there.

Nate, are you saying that Bea is acting pretty well normally? Like I said, I don't have siblings, so I don't know if the sort of 'cold' behaviour is normal or not. It seems like when I talk to her and share things about my life (like various things about my friends, or school (when I was going) and things of that nature) she doesn't seem inclined to tell me about her own life and so forth. It's a bit frustrating, but granted she's probably nervous as well. And she's a teenager, and adolescents are strange creatures at the best of times.

[BillSPrestonEsq]

Originally Posted by ICTHUS

It seems like when I talk to her and share things about my life (like various things about my friends, or school (when I was going) and things of that nature) she doesn't seem inclined to tell me about her own life and so forth. It's a bit frustrating, but granted she's probably nervous as well. And she's a teenager, and adolescents are strange creatures at the best of times.

I'm sorry Ryan, but this made me laugh, hard. I think you very succinctly described the average teenage girl right there.

I'd have to say she does sound pretty normal just off your description.

I am glad you are settling in a bit on this trip. Enjoy it.

[tlj009]

Nate, are you saying that Bea is acting pretty well normally? Like I said, I don't have siblings, so I don't know if the sort of 'cold' behaviour is normal or not. It seems like when I talk to her and share things about my life (like various things about my friends, or school (when I was going) and things of that nature) she doesn't seem inclined to tell me about her own life and so forth. It's a bit frustrating, but granted she's probably nervous as well. And she's a teenager, and adolescents are strange creatures at the best of times.

Teenagers tend to worry about being accepted, especially teenage girls. Add that to the fact that they have constant supervision by parents, teachers, etc., which results in a good bit of correction, and the result is that teenagers don't want to talk about their lives. So, if she does decide to open up to you, I caution you about being critical, even if it is justified.

[OiBoyz]

At first I considered her "that ☺☺☺☺☺ that stole my dad away from my mom" and nothing she did could really change my opinion,

Is that really true, do you know? I know my mother got together with a man after my dad left, but they weren't together before. From the outside the timing could look bad, but it was in my mom's case, coincidental. Either way, it seems like if you're going to be living in her house, you'll have to at least be civil.

Aspergers... I don't know much about it, but maybe you could find something to do with your brother that does interest both of you? Then you won't have to feel like you're faking a response. Does he like to play real, non-video games?

Your sister sounds like a teenage girl. I wouldn't sweat it too much. She will grow out of the attitude phase.

[ICTHUS]

Originally Posted by OiBoyz

Is that really true, do you know? I know my mother got together with a man after my dad left, but they weren't together before. From the outside the timing could look bad, but it was in my mom's case, coincidental. Either way, it seems like if you're going to be living in her house, you'll have to at least be civil.

Of course. It hasn't been too bad - I was just relating how I felt at the beginning.

[Ted Logan]

Ryan, I don't really have advice to add except to say that your prayers for your dad's family and for your interaction with them are of great importance. Perhaps the topic of Christianity will be more welcome than your dad thinks - your stepmother knows you're a Christian, and you know she's an atheist; perhaps she's a rabid anti-theist, but maybe she'd support you finding a Church to attend.

Also, I had to chuckle at the idea of a "confirmed atheist." You should have said, "I didn't know atheists had sacraments!"