letting go

09-30-2009, 09:55 PM

hey guys!

so for the past 4 months i have been dating an amazing and beautiful young woman who has an incredible heart for the Lord.

at the start of our relationship, she shared with me that a couple years ago, she had been in an abusive relationship and raped by her previous boyfriend. this news was devastating, but i reassured her that she is still completely pure and beautiful in both my eyes and God's eyes.

we are both very open and talk about it whenever we need to. However, lately i have really been having trouble letting go of what happened to her. i have been having trouble forgiving the guy who did it to her, and i have almost been depressed, dwelling on the fact that her innocence was stolen and she had to endure such a painful thing in her life

she really is an incredible young woman.. seeing her faith has been humbling, and seeing the hope and peace that the Lord has provided for her has, in itself been a blessing to me. she deserves the best, and i want to be the best for her that i can.

so, i guess what i hope to get out of this thread is:
1) advice on how to forgive him
2) advice on how to stop dwelling on what happened to her
3) advice on how to comfort her, encourage her, and in general, be the best i can for her
4) any godly/biblical advice on this situation
5) and if nothing else, prayer and encouragement

any or all of the above would be greatly appreciated

thank you

gg7 · 09-30-2009, 11:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Annonymous

this news was devastating, but i reassured her that she is still completely pure and beautiful in both my eyes and God's eyes.

Keep doing that.
Girls that go through this kind of thing usually think it was their fault, feel damaged, worthless, etc. Even as they work to move further away from those feelings, they tend to resurface sometimes. I'm not sure how much of that you've experience yet with her.
So be patient with her always. Keep encouraging and assuring her. That is so important.
Hopefully she has had some professional counseling...and perhaps still receiving that.

The fact that you're open with each other and can talk about it is great.

As far as how to forgive the guy goes....eh...I will say a prayer for you and her. You already realize it needs to happen, obviously. Forgiving doesn't mean that you will forget that it happened though, of course. Life would be a lot simpler if that were the case eh?

Just from reading your words here, it's obvious that you care for her a lot, and you seem to be a really nice guy. For what it's worth, It looks like you're on the right track.

***BillSPrestonEsq*** · 09-30-2009, 11:58 PM

Let me talk to my wife a little more...

I am a male survivor of sexual and physical abuse so, I am really thinking this over...

The first thing that comes to mind is don't bring it up, but let me get back to you tomorrow.

tmlfan123 · 10-01-2009, 11:50 AM

It sounds like you have a healthy start. All I've got covered is #5, but I'm sure others will have good advice.

***BillSPrestonEsq*** · 10-01-2009, 02:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Annonymous

so, i guess what i hope to get out of this thread is:
1) advice on how to forgive him

I am just going to ask this. What does forgiveness mean to you? What do you hope to achieve?

Quote:

2) advice on how to stop dwelling on what happened to her

This is going to be really personal and I would wager very different for each of us. I know for me, accepting what happened had helped shape me into who I am and accepting that the past was past, and nothing could change it helped. I was abused at the age of 8, 20 years ago and I still have nightmares of it, granted, now they are more of the hands closing around my throat after the sexual stuff and the sound and feel of a little knife tearing skin, but frankly, it fades, and at this point, it is a part of her past that cannot be erased. You learn to cope.

For the first 3 years of marriage, after years and years of dating, this was an issue for my wife. Over time though, it has just faded. My wife asks how I am, around the time of year it happened, (I used to get real depressed every year) a year ago, and this year, we both forgot.

Quote:

3) advice on how to comfort her, encourage her, and in general, be the best i can for her

This is going to vary a lot by person. I guarantee you this much, your situation is unique. First of all, let her be the one who brings it up, don't bring it up, and try to be understanding. When I feel filthy from the past, I don't want to be touched at all, and in general I don't want to talk or remember. But thats just me. Some times when it hits, I just need a hug from my wife. And I say so to her.

My advice on this one, ask her, and support her as you can when things hit. But the things not to do...

1) Don't encourage her to talk about it when she doesn't want to. Nothing quite makes it more real than to relive it when you are feeling vulnerable.
2) Don't think forgiveness is a one-time thing. It is not a punctilious action. It is a process.
3) Don't let your moral guard down.
4) Don't expect this to be a quick process.
5) Don't put the blame on her.

OiBoyz · 10-01-2009, 05:38 PM

Forgiveness is all well and good, but what about prosecution? What this guy did was a crime, and she's likely not his only victim.

***BillSPrestonEsq*** · 10-01-2009, 05:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by OiBoyz

Forgiveness is all well and good, but what about prosecution? What this guy did was a crime, and she's likely not his only victim.

Agreed.

anonymous10 · 10-01-2009, 08:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by gg7

Keep doing that.

Hopefully she has had some professional counseling...and perhaps still receiving that.

i am not sure what she has had by way of professional counseling... although she said her family and those she told were very encouraging and played a huge part in the healing process. She seems pretty well over it (it was two years ago)... ive known her for about 5 years, and i would have never guessed that she had been through anything like that... she often talks about how God has brought her through that time and provided the most incredible peace and joy.

every now and then she has tough days, or dreams about it. when she first told me about it, i think it may have brought back tough feelings, and she would call me needing reassurance and encouragement.

all in all, she is a very tough and resilient young woman.

i often tell her what a miracle she is and what an incredible testimony she has regarding God's grace and healing. she said that she wants to use what happened to her as an opportunity to witness to other woman who have been through what she has gone through.

Quote:

Originally Posted by gg7

As far as how to forgive the guy goes....eh...I will say a prayer for you and her.

thank you... i really do appreciate it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by BillSPrestonEsq

The first thing that comes to mind is don't bring it up, but let me get back to you tomorrow.

she is generally the one who does bring it up...and i told her that she can always come to me if she needs to talk about it.

she told me the same... if i ever need to talk about it or if there is ever anything about it that is bothering me (regarding what happened to her), she said not to hesitate to talk to her about it.

nevertheless, i tend to let her be the one to bring it up... im always hesitant to talk about it...

Quote:

Originally Posted by tmlfan123

It sounds like you have a healthy start. All I've got covered is #5, but I'm sure others will have good advice.

thank you... i am a firm believer in the power of prayer.. it means alot.

Quote:

Originally Posted by BillSPrestonEsq

I am just going to ask this. What does forgiveness mean to you? What do you hope to achieve?

eh... im not sure yet to be honest. i know that Christ tells us to forgive just as we have been forgiven, which means completely... but its really a tough thing..

and as far as i know, he hasnt expressed any remorse nor does he feel he did anything wrong. he grew up exposed to violence and never had any positive influences.. just didnt see anything wrong with it.

i pray for him often... as much pain as he has brought on my girlfriend, i am sure that he has serious burdens of his own... i pray that he might find God and experience the healing and forgiveness that he so desperately needs.

praying for him helps alot... but i still hold a grudge and occasionally feel angry and hateful thoughts toward him

Quote:

Originally Posted by BillSPrestonEsq

This is going to be really personal and I would wager very different for each of us. I know for me, accepting what happened had helped shape me into who I am and accepting that the past was past, and nothing could change it helped. I was abused at the age of 8, 20 years ago and I still have nightmares of it, granted, now they are more of the hands closing around my throat after the sexual stuff and the sound and feel of a little knife tearing skin, but frankly, it fades, and at this point, it is a part of her past that cannot be erased. You learn to cope.

For the first 3 years of marriage, after years and years of dating, this was an issue for my wife. Over time though, it has just faded. My wife asks how I am, around the time of year it happened, (I used to get real depressed every year) a year ago, and this year, we both forgot.

This is going to vary a lot by person. I guarantee you this much, your situation is unique. First of all, let her be the one who brings it up, don't bring it up, and try to be understanding. When I feel filthy from the past, I don't want to be touched at all, and in general I don't want to talk or remember. But thats just me. Some times when it hits, I just need a hug from my wife. And I say so to her.

deffinately.. her case was not as violent as far as i know... i didnt really ask for the details.. i didnt want to make her relive it, if possible.

she said that when it happened, he threatened her and told her that if she didnt do what he wanted, he would seriously injure her... she also said that he had, in the past, physically hurt her, and so these were not empty threats. im just so thankful that she made it out alive, let alone without any serious physical trauma.

Quote:

Originally Posted by BillSPrestonEsq

My advice on this one, ask her, and support her as you can when things hit. But the things not to do...

1) Don't encourage her to talk about it when she doesn't want to. Nothing quite makes it more real than to relive it when you are feeling vulnerable.
2) Don't think forgiveness is a one-time thing. It is not a punctilious action. It is a process.
3) Don't let your moral guard down.
4) Don't expect this to be a quick process.
5) Don't put the blame on her.

thank you for this advice...

1) she usually is the one to bring it up...in fact, she is pretty open about it with me. we are doing a bible study together, and often times a certain thing we talk about will remind her of how God helped her through that time or an attribute of God she saw as she went through that time (i.e. His faithfulness and the incredible peace and joy He brings). other times, she will hear a song on the radio that helped her through that time and tell me about what that particular song means to her.

2) wow.. good point. ive never thought about it like that, i guess.

3) what do you mean by that?

4) deffinately... i think that is something that i need to understand.

5) oh, absolutely not... when she told me, she kept appologizing and telling me how sorry she was, and i reassured her that i dont in any way hold anything against her.

Quote:

Originally Posted by OiBoyz

Forgiveness is all well and good, but what about prosecution? What this guy did was a crime, and she's likely not his only victim.

no.. the guy is still around. i dont know that they would have enough evidence to prosicute the guy... also the fact that it happened two years ago makes it tough..

i dont wanna straight up ask her "why didnt you press charges?" somehow i feel like that would come across wrong.. i dont know.. for some reason it just doesnt feel like a tactful thing to say... am i wrong in that?

as far as the guy hurting other girls... im not sure that its a problem.. not right now anyway.. i mentioned this earlier, but he had some mental issues and became obsessive with her..

she said that she thinks he has moved on... he has started dating other girls (ones that "give him what he wants" without needing to be forced...)

i dont know... but generally, i try to avoid bringing his name up. when im with her.

thank you guys soooo much for the quick responses and the advice and prayers... i really, really, REALLY do appreciate it.

thank you

***BillSPrestonEsq*** · 10-01-2009, 08:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by anonymous10

and as far as i know, he hasnt expressed any remorse nor does he feel he did anything wrong. he grew up exposed to violence and never had any positive influences.. just didnt see anything wrong with it.

Just so you know, this is BS. Blaming rape on crappy influences is not an excuse. Everybody knows rape and violence is wrong. Period.

I had crappy, violent influences early on in life and for many years, and thats no excuse.

Just to put it in perspective, forgiveness only occurs biblically after repentance.

anonymous10 · 10-01-2009, 09:05 PM

please forgive me... i didnt mean it like that...

[QUOTE=BillSPrestonEsq;3470348]Just so you know, this is BS. Blaming rape on crappy influences is not an excuse. Everybody knows rape and violence is wrong. Period./QUOTE]

i am not in any way condoning what he did... it is sick and wrong and evil. and obviously, bad influences dont necessarily lead to what he did..

like i said.. there is alot tied into it, and i think even mental issues that were not properly addressed played into it. again, i am not at all condoning what he did or excusing it.

the point i was trying to make is that he has probably had little to no guidance in his life... and perhaps that is why he didnt feel any remorse or that he had done anything wrong. (at least, he never acted like it)

Quote:

Originally Posted by BillSPrestonEsq

I had crappy, violent influences early on in life and for many years, and thats no excuse.

i am so sorry to hear that...

but i do want to thank you for sharing everything that you have shared... it really has brought me hope and encouragement being able to hear about another believer who has been throuhg similar trials. i frequent this forum under a different user name, and i have always respected you and looked up to you...

Quote:

Originally Posted by BillSPrestonEsq

Just to put it in perspective, forgiveness only occurs biblically after repentance.

so does that mean that until he is remorseful, forgiveness isnt necessary?

OiBoyz · 10-02-2009, 11:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by anonymous10

she said that she thinks he has moved on... he has started dating other girls (ones that "give him what he wants" without needing to be forced...)

What a load of crap. What he did to your friend had nothing to do with sex, and everything to do with coercion and power. He didn't rape her because she said no. He raped her because he could.

And I wish she had pressed charges. ~~If he does it again,~~ when he does it again, he may really hurt or kill someone.

Quote:

i pray that he might find God and experience the healing and forgiveness that he so desperately needs.

He could get all of that behind bars.

Quote:

as far as the guy hurting other girls... im not sure that its a problem.. not right now anyway.. i mentioned this earlier, but he had some mental issues and became obsessive with her..

Yeah.... sounds like someone I'd like to have move in next door. Mentally unstable, violent and unrepentant.

anonymous10 · 10-03-2009, 12:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by OiBoyz

What a load of crap. What he did to your friend had nothing to do with sex, and everything to do with coercion and power. He didn't rape her because she said no. He raped her because he could.

And I wish she had pressed charges. ~~If he does it again,~~ when he does it again, he may really hurt or kill someone.

He could get all of that behind bars.

Yeah.... sounds like someone I'd like to have move in next door. Mentally unstable, violent and unrepentant.

yeah... good point(s)

so what is there to do??

can she still press charges two years later? as i said, from what i know, there isnt alot of evidence. but i guess i could be wrong? should i bring it up and talk to her about it. i deffinately dont want anyone to get hurt again..

OiBoyz · 10-03-2009, 01:49 PM

Unless she had physical evidence collected at the time, it's just her word against his. So without evidence, it might be impossible, plus I don't know what the statute of limitations is. I would think two years isn't too long. But without evidence...

There probably is nothing to be gained at this point, but she might talk to the DA about it. You never know, they may be aware of what the guy is doing and this might be a piece that shows a pattern later on. In any case, you can't MAKE her do anything she's not willing to do. That's what he did.

gg7 · 10-03-2009, 09:28 PM

None of the girls I've known who have gone through this have taken it to the police...for more than one reason. Partially because they felt it was their fault that it happened (even though they certainly DID NOT ask for it), and partially because they didn't feel that they could go through with what that would take. They already felt broken and ashamed (once again, even though it was not their fault), and taking that and putting themselves on display for other people while telling the story of what happened was just too much for them. I can't even begin to understand what it must feel like to go through that, but I can get a glimpse of why it would be so hard at least.

Whatever you do, don't pull the "he could hurt someone else" card in an effort to try to guilt trip her into going to the authorities...or at least that's how she might see it. There's enough hurt there without adding something like that onto it. It is her decision to make...period....and she is not responsible for his future actions.

All that said, It's really sad that there are no telling how many guys walking around out there free right now who have done this kind of thing to a girl or even multiple girls.

OiBoyz · 10-03-2009, 10:00 PM

I agree, in this case, it's probably too late for her testimony to be of any use. But in general, I would ask a woman who was trying to decide to consider more than just herself and her pain. Not the least of why would be her feelings of guilt that she could have somehow stopped him if/when it escalates. But in the end, she needs to make the decision that she can best live with.