[drjekyll2003]

it's been awhile! But I wrote this song for a friend and I'm considering showing it to this person..wise?

Kisses of the Enemy
Prov. 27:6; Jms 5:19-20; 1 Pet 4:8

V1- Put your guns away, for your aim is misdirected.
I'm only here to say that you need to stand corrected.
'Cause the patterns that I see show something's out of place.
And though it's clear to me, it seems hidden from your face.

Chorus-And I'm so scared from the visions I see
Of the devil rising in victory.
So I will wound you mortally,
For it's better than the kisses of the enemy.

V2- You've let your guard down to raise it on the wrong front.
But turn around to see you don't really have what you want.
While the colors mix but don't match, you insist you're free from harm.
But when sin's egg does hatch, will you still be under its charm?

Chorus-And I'm so scared from the visions I see
Of the devil rising in victory.
So I will wound you mortally,
For it's better than the kisses of the enemy.

Bridge- Don't mistake my love for hate.
'Cause it's necessary to feel
That this danger is for real.
I've gotta intervene before it's too late...

Chorus-And I'm so scared from the visions I see
Of the devil rising in victory.
So I will wound you mortally,
For it's better than the kisses of the enemy.
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i'm still wrestling over that bridge the most. I want more of a Gospel edge in it but I'm having a hard time finding where to squeeze it in...any suggestions?

[6strings21frets]

Originally Posted by drjekyll2003

V1- Put your guns away, for your aim is misdirected.
I'm only here to say that you need to stand corrected.
'Cause the patterns that I see show something's out of place.
And though it's clear to me, it seems hidden from your face.

I like the idea of the guns. Personally, I'm not really seeing much resemblance between the second part of the verse and the first part, but that's just me. I'm sure others will see a link.

Originally Posted by drjekyll2003

Chorus-And I'm so scared from the visions I see
Of the devil rising in victory.
So I will wound you mortally,
For it's better than the kisses of the enemy.

I like this stanza. It makes a very good chorus, in my opinion. Quick question - "So I will wound you mortally". Who is "you"?

Originally Posted by drjekyll2003

V2- You've let your guard down to raise it on the wrong front.
But turn around to see you don't really have what you want.
While the colors mix but don't match, you insist you're free from harm.
But when sin's egg does hatch, will you still be under its charm?

The "colours" line threw me. Again, I don't really see a relation to the rest of the verse, but someone else might.

Originally Posted by drjekyll2003

Bridge- Don't mistake my love for hate.
'Cause it's necessary to feel
That this danger is for real.
I've gotta intervene before it's too late...

I see the message you're conveying, but I don't think you should use "for" real. It sounds too informal compared to the rest of the song.

Hope my critique helps.
-Liam

[Skeeter]

Originally Posted by drjekyll2003

it's been awhile! But I wrote this song for a friend and I'm considering showing it to this person..wise?

I'm guessing that your concern is that your friend will take things the wrong way and this song is obviously meant to clarify that your correction is done out of love. My first question is, have you already talked to your friend about the issue that you believe requires correction? I would definitely encourage you to discuss the issue with your friend rather than let this song do the talking. Once you've sorted through the issue, you could definitely show them the song and hopefully it will then be taken the right way.

Kisses of the Enemy
Prov. 27:6; Jms 5:19-20; 1 Pet 4:8

"Kisses of the Enemy" is a solid song title. To me, it brings to mind Judas and the betrayal of Jesus.

V1- Put your guns away, for your aim is misdirected.
I'm only here to say that you need to stand corrected.
'Cause the patterns that I see show something's out of place.
And though it's clear to me, it seems hidden from your face.

The initial image of guns is a decent one, but I wonder if it's the best way to start the song. To me, it seems like you're immediately on the defensive, immediately assuming that the reaction will be negative before you've even brought up what the issue is.

In any case, it's a little disappointing that the theme of guns doesn't continue. It's immediately apparent that there won't be an overriding metaphor to this song. That's not always required, but it's definitely beneficial.

All in all, this is a pretty average verse; most of the images and phrases are ones that I've heard before and they're not arranged in any particularly clever way. At the same time, you have a solid rhyme scheme and it's clear what the song's about.

Chorus-And I'm so scared from the visions I see
Of the devil rising in victory.
So I will wound you mortally,
For it's better than the kisses of the enemy.

This works better than the first verse. Again, the phrases aren't particularly new or unique, but the arrangement is something new. You have a great hook in "It's better than the kisses of the enemy" and the line that precedes it is a great set up for the hook. I have certainly heard the line "I will wound you mortally" in dozens of metalcore songs, but to twist it so it's seen as a positive is definitely new and interesting.

V2- You've let your guard down to raise it on the wrong front.
But turn around to see you don't really have what you want.
While the colors mix but don't match, you insist you're free from harm.
But when sin's egg does hatch, will you still be under its charm?

Ooh, this verse has issues. The first line just twists around awkwardly without a purpose. The second line is cumbersome as it has far too many needless words. I have no idea what the significance of "colors mix but don't match" and what it has to do with "harm." And the last line has a couple problems, the first being the awkward re-wording to get the "hatch" rhyme. No one would ever say "the egg does hatch," they would say "the egg hatches," and twisting it around like that just makes it very awkward and forced.

The major problem with the last line is that eggs hatching is way, way too cute to be a metaphor for sin, especially in a song with lines like "devil rising in victory" and "I will wound you mortally." The juxtaposition of those lines with "when sin's egg does hatch, will you still be under its charm" is just too much to handle.

Bridge- Don't mistake my love for hate.
'Cause it's necessary to feel
That this danger is for real.
I've gotta intervene before it's too late...

The bridge stars off quite promising. The purpose of the bridge is often to make clear what the song's about, so straightforward lines like "don't mistake my love for hate" work in the bridge. The "feel/real" rhyme, on the other hand, made me cringe. Those two words rhymed is such a cliché that it's almost impossible to make the lines that involve those two words original and unique. The last line, is fine, and I like that you switched up the rhyme scheme in the bridge. Those middle two lines, however, need to be revised.

All in all, you have a great concept for a song and a strong chorus to act as a foundation. Your first verse is acceptable, but I would make it your second verse and write a new first verse that starts off strong and clear, without the defensiveness of the current first verse. "Put your guns away" is the perfect way to start of the second verse after the first verse and chorus have made clear what the issue is. After the hard hitting "I will wound you mortally/for it's better than the kisses of the enemy," it would make sense to pull back a little bit with the defensiveness of "put your guns away."

The second verse has numerous issues, but you may be able to use a phrase or two as you re-build the first verse. The first and last lines of the bridge work as bookends, but the middle two lines need to be revised to lose the "feel/real" rhyme. With some revising, this could be a good song. Keep at it!