Common Misconceptions of Marriage?

**DaGeek** · 09-03-2009, 10:28 PM

I thought this might be an interesting thread that single people like myself could learn from, if people would be willing to be open --- what are some common misconceptions about marriage, and how does it actually play out from what you've seen?

For example, obviously it's not a "get married and live happily ever after" scenario like Disney would portray. What actually happens?

The question's pretty open, so feel free to post whatever you think is relevant. I'm here to learn

.

***BillSPrestonEsq*** · 09-04-2009, 10:00 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DaGeek

I thought this might be an interesting thread that single people like myself could learn from, if people would be willing to be open --- what are some common misconceptions about marriage, and how does it actually play out from what you've seen?

For example, obviously it's not a "get married and live happily ever after" scenario like Disney would portray. What actually happens?

The question's pretty open, so feel free to post whatever you think is relevant. I'm here to learn

.

A few things I have encountered.
1) Sexual passion disappears after the honeymoon.
2) Marriage is all about having kids.
3) Your wife tries to control you and change you.
4) You need to be sprung from spending time with your wife like it is jail.
5) Your wife and you are bored with each other's company.
6) There are valid vast generalizations that are true of every marriage.

These are all things I have encountered, and they are all BS in my marriage.

Pre-Ex-Girlfriend · 09-04-2009, 01:16 PM

"The first year is the hardest."

If that's true, then the rest my and Daniel's marriage will be a breeze. I'm not so sure I believe it.

***BillSPrestonEsq*** · 09-04-2009, 02:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pre-Ex-Girlfriend

"The first year is the hardest."

If that's true, then the rest my and Daniel's marriage will be a breeze. I'm not so sure I believe it.

For me and my wife, year 2 was a beast.

Pre-Ex-Girlfriend · 09-04-2009, 02:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BillSPrestonEsq

For me and my wife, year 2 was a beast.

Well, we're just about done with year two, and it hasn't been much different or harder than year one. I don't know, I think it's one of those generalizations that obviously won't apply to every couple. A good or bad day (week, month, or year) depends on so many different things that it can't be the same for everyone.

jthomas1600 · 09-05-2009, 06:22 PM

I've been married for 16 years. There's a misconception about relationships in general that I like to dispel when ever I get the chance. People seem to think that love is something that happens, or "just is". People "fall in love" then later they get divorced because "I just don't love her any more". Sure, initially people fall in love...they have an emotional, hormonal reaction to someone they are attracted to, but in the long run, love is something you chose to do. In 16 years there have been times I've felt very much in love with my wife and times I haven't. I know the same is true for her. We chose to love each other no matter what life circumstances are at the time or how we feel on that particular day.

**DaGeek** · 09-05-2009, 06:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jthomas1600

I've been married for 16 years. There's a misconception about relationships in general that I like to dispel when ever I get the chance. People seem to think that love is something that happens, or "just is". People "fall in love" then later they get divorced because "I just don't love her any more". Sure, initially people fall in love...they have an emotional, hormonal reaction to someone they are attracted to, but in the long run, love is something you chose to do. In 16 years there have been times I've felt very much in love with my wife and times I haven't. I know the same is true for her. We chose to love each other no matter what life circumstances are at the time or how we feel on that particular day.

How did you decide she was the one you wanted to choose to love forever? I guess I'm asking because I've been in a serious dating relationship, and it ended up not working out, and I wonder how one would know/decide if a relationship was "right" or not.

**Skeeter** · 09-05-2009, 06:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pre-Ex-Girlfriend

Well, we're just about done with year two, and it hasn't been much different or harder than year one. I don't know, I think it's one of those generalizations that obviously won't apply to every couple. A good or bad day (week, month, or year) depends on so many different things that it can't be the same for everyone.

Seriously. If these are supposed to be the hardest years of marriage, then we must be really awesome at being married.

S.B.Nichols · 09-05-2009, 08:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Skeeter

Seriously. If these are supposed to be the hardest years of marriage, then we must be really awesome at being married.

Naw...you'll have good years and bad years. In 7 years, we had...a good year, two bad years, a decent year, and 3 good years.

***Art*** · 09-05-2009, 08:47 PM

I think the hardest years are different for everybody. And I do find it easy to believe that some people will not have many, or even any hard years in there, at least as far as the being married part is concerned. But the difficulties are likely to spring up along the way.

I think you have to make the choice on a day by day basis to love your spouse, and devote yourself to them. When people "fall out of love", I think they have stopped making this choice. Love is not something that just happens. Love is full of choices and consequences.

Pre-Ex-Girlfriend · 09-05-2009, 10:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jthomas1600

...in the long run, love is something you chose to do. We chose to love each other no matter what life circumstances are at the time or how we feel on that particular day.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Art

Love is not something that just happens. Love is full of choices and consequences.

Amen!

Quote:

Originally Posted by DaGeek

How did you decide she was the one you wanted to choose to love forever? I guess I'm asking because I've been in a serious dating relationship, and it ended up not working out, and I wonder how one would know/decide if a relationship was "right" or not.

Golly. Lots of different ways. My mom always told me I should make a list of things I want in a spouse, and that way as I got to know someone by dating them, I would have an easier time deciding if they were "right" or not. Then when I took a sociology course on marriage and family, the professor had us do just such an exercise. Actually, he had us make a list of 5 things we wanted in a spouse, and then he had us ask two family members to make a list of 5 things/qualities they thought our futures spouses should have. It was a pretty great assignment. I remember when Daniel and I were still dating and it got serious my mom asked me how Daniel "stacked up" to our lists. So, it turned out be a useful assignment as well.

Also, I just thought I might add another thought. Sometimes a relationship might seem right to one person in it, but not the other. My first boyfriend pretty much wanted to marry me, but I didn't see us together forever... Sometimes that's just how it is.

earlessdog · 09-05-2009, 10:51 PM

I'm not married, or even in a relationship with someone, but I'm pretty sure openness to your spouse is a big thing (talking, sharing, supporting). I just assume that because my parents aren't open and they have been having "bad years" every year since I can remember.

**Epaphras** · 09-06-2009, 10:12 AM

Pretty much anything you see on a sit-com (or most movies), is not true about marriage.

Also, what Bill said.

scarlet.starlet · 09-10-2009, 05:30 PM

I think that people get this idea, probably from what they watch and read and listen to, that marriage is supposed to be a lifelong affair, something romantic and passionate and spontaneous.

No no no.

That kind of attitude leads to you getting a divorce or cheating as soon as it's not "fun" anymore. The person you can stay happily married to is the person who is not only your lover, but your best friend. Your partner in crime. Your therapist. Your fixer-of-problems. And you should also be those things for your spouse.

Life is not a pleasure cruise. The two of you are the only crew for a large and unwieldy boat. There is little time for lighting candles and scattering rose petals when there's a storm coming and you need to batten down the hatches. Pick somebody who's a good mate- both in the nautical and animal sense.

***BillSPrestonEsq*** · 09-10-2009, 05:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by scarlet.starlet

I think that people get this idea, probably from what they watch and read and listen to, that marriage is supposed to be a lifelong affair, something romantic and passionate and spontaneous.

No no no.

That kind of attitude leads to you getting a divorce or cheating as soon as it's not "fun" anymore. The person you can stay happily married to is the person who is not only your lover, but your best friend. Your partner in crime. Your therapist. Your fixer-of-problems. And you should also be those things for your spouse.

Life is not a pleasure cruise. The two of you are the only crew for a large and unwieldy boat. There is little time for lighting candles and scattering rose petals when there's a storm coming and you need to batten down the hatches. Pick somebody who's a good mate- both in the nautical and animal sense.

5 years in my marriage is actually far more romantic than it used to be. My wife and I are romantic, passionate, and ridiculously spontaneous.

I think you need to be prepared to batton down the hatches, but if you view it just as work, you don't light candles, and don't scatter rose pedals, which is a choice to deprive ones-self of a lot of the joy of the marriage.

Marriage is a lot like life. Be prepared for anything, be strong enough to stand the blast, but enjoy what you can when you can.

Romance, and spontaneity are often a choice. Why not choose it?