[darfaz]

Originally Posted by scarlet.starlet

I think that people get this idea, probably from what they watch and read and listen to, that marriage is supposed to be a lifelong affair, something romantic and passionate and spontaneous.

No no no.

That kind of attitude leads to you getting a divorce or cheating as soon as it's not "fun" anymore. The person you can stay happily married to is the person who is not only your lover, but your best friend. Your partner in crime. Your therapist. Your fixer-of-problems. And you should also be those things for your spouse.

Life is not a pleasure cruise. The two of you are the only crew for a large and unwieldy boat. There is little time for lighting candles and scattering rose petals when there's a storm coming and you need to batten down the hatches. Pick somebody who's a good mate- both in the nautical and animal sense.

I think I know what you're getting at here, and I probably don't disagree with you, but the difference is that doing things like scattering rose petals is not just a distraction from the storm, but in a marriage it can actually be a solution to the storm itself. A marriage where there is an attitude to be romantic and to place an importance on building the relationship will be much stronger than one without it.

[slap_j]

Originally Posted by darfaz

A marriage where there is an attitude to be romantic and to place an importance on building the relationship will be much stronger than one without it.

Being romantic is one thing. Romance as a cornerstone is another.

[JerryLove]

Originally Posted by scarlet.starlet

That kind of attitude leads to you getting a divorce or cheating as soon as it's not "fun" anymore. The person you can stay happily married to is the person who is not only your lover, but your best friend. Your partner in crime. Your therapist. Your fixer-of-problems. And you should also be those things for your spouse.

I think that's tied into some other problems as well.

People think that being in love is enough, and it isn't. I love any number of people I would not (or in one case unsuccessfully did) marry. As you mention, there's more to compatibility, both in regards to habits (go out or stay-home), traits (open or closed emotionally), power-dynamics (who is in charge of what), and long-term goals (family, career, etc).

I've also wondered about the success rate of arranged vs "for love" marriages. Certainly culture is involved in the lower divorce rate in arranged marriages: but I think as well there's an element of "success because of realistic expectations".

When those heady hormones are running and that plan for a fairy-tale ending is in your head: not only can you be prone to bade decisions in a mate; but to disappointment when he/she turns out to have faults like everyone else and everything isn't easy.

What I'm saying is "be realistic in your view of the person you are marrying and what marriage will bring".

Life is not a pleasure cruise. The two of you are the only crew for a large and unwieldy boat. There is little time for lighting candles and scattering rose petals when there's a storm coming and you need to batten down the hatches. Pick somebody who's a good mate- both in the nautical and animal sense.

Another thing to remember: relationships are something you always work on... perhaps I should say "put work into". When you take it for granted is when problems start occuring.

[Andrew]

I have been married for almost 2.5 years at this point, and have loved every second of it...

Misconceptions that are true in MY situation, and I am not arrogant enough to say that my situation is universal.

1) Love is a difficult choice. Yes, love is a choice, but just like choosing to run every day, or eat right, or not watch TV, every single time you make the choice it gets SO much easier. While there were times in the first year of marriage where something petty and stupid would degenerate into an argument, that has become less and less. The fact is, every time I chose to be enraptured with my wife it makes it easier to continue making that choice.

At this point I am almost constant in a frenzy of romantic excitement about seeing her again, or watching a movie, or eating a sandwich.. Et cetera. I just LOVE being around my wife ALL of the time. Our desks are next to each other and she worked out of the home for the past year, which meant we literally spent all of our time together, with the exception of the time I spent in class.

2) Wives are irrational and controlling. While obviously emotions can run high in the female species, this has not at all been my experience. As long as I am actually doing my best to be selfless and love my wife and meet her half way in places we disagree, I have never had any difficulty with controlling tendencies or irrationality. And one thing that I have learned is sometimes my wife (all wives?) just needs to vent for a little while, and then needs a good long hug. It doesn't need fixed directly, which is a problem for me because I want to fix everything. That's the more difficult thing I have learned these past couple years.

3) Losing touch with other friends. Lots of people complain about how they don't get to hang out with their buddies anymore because "the old ball and chain" keeps them at home, or some crap like that. But that has not been my experience in any capacity. Fact of the matter is that I started spending less time with my friends because I honestly would prefer spending time with my wife. But any time I wanted to do something overnight, or go hang out for any purpose, and she didn't want to go with me, she NEVER had any problem with me doing so. As long as you are taking care of your wife, and granting her the same relational freedoms that you desire, you are not going to run into these problems. (meaning, if she wants to go see her friends you can't begrudge it, and then dog her with questions about it when she gets back et cetera)

There are more, but those are the biggest ones that I can think of. Being in love and being married was a choice I made, and it is the best thing I have ever done. I LOVE being married.

Just to further make a disclaimer: I understand that life sucks sometimes, and I am not announcing my experience as universal. Please don't think I am passing judgment or anything of the sort on anyone else. People are different and life is hard.

[mattbrowne]

I think the most common misconception is the expectation of perfection (often beginning with a perfect wedding and a very expensive wedding dress), while a successful marriage is in fact about handling imperfections and forgiveness. At least in my experience.

[Teletubby]

I would have to go with Neil Anderson who said in marriage both of you are responsible for 2 things:

1, Your Character.
2, Your partners needs.

Now thats a long learning curve to which I would add the one thing to keep on top of is:
1, Forgiveness.
2, Forgiveness.