[darfaz]

Originally Posted by scarlet.starlet

I think that people get this idea, probably from what they watch and read and listen to, that marriage is supposed to be a lifelong affair, something romantic and passionate and spontaneous.

No no no.

That kind of attitude leads to you getting a divorce or cheating as soon as it's not "fun" anymore. The person you can stay happily married to is the person who is not only your lover, but your best friend. Your partner in crime. Your therapist. Your fixer-of-problems. And you should also be those things for your spouse.

Life is not a pleasure cruise. The two of you are the only crew for a large and unwieldy boat. There is little time for lighting candles and scattering rose petals when there's a storm coming and you need to batten down the hatches. Pick somebody who's a good mate- both in the nautical and animal sense.

I think I know what you're getting at here, and I probably don't disagree with you, but the difference is that doing things like scattering rose petals is not just a distraction from the storm, but in a marriage it can actually be a solution to the storm itself. A marriage where there is an attitude to be romantic and to place an importance on building the relationship will be much stronger than one without it.

[slap_j]

Originally Posted by darfaz

A marriage where there is an attitude to be romantic and to place an importance on building the relationship will be much stronger than one without it.

Being romantic is one thing. Romance as a cornerstone is another.

[JerryLove]

Originally Posted by scarlet.starlet

That kind of attitude leads to you getting a divorce or cheating as soon as it's not "fun" anymore. The person you can stay happily married to is the person who is not only your lover, but your best friend. Your partner in crime. Your therapist. Your fixer-of-problems. And you should also be those things for your spouse.

I think that's tied into some other problems as well.

People think that being in love is enough, and it isn't. I love any number of people I would not (or in one case unsuccessfully did) marry. As you mention, there's more to compatibility, both in regards to habits (go out or stay-home), traits (open or closed emotionally), power-dynamics (who is in charge of what), and long-term goals (family, career, etc).

I've also wondered about the success rate of arranged vs "for love" marriages. Certainly culture is involved in the lower divorce rate in arranged marriages: but I think as well there's an element of "success because of realistic expectations".

When those heady hormones are running and that plan for a fairy-tale ending is in your head: not only can you be prone to bade decisions in a mate; but to disappointment when he/she turns out to have faults like everyone else and everything isn't easy.

What I'm saying is "be realistic in your view of the person you are marrying and what marriage will bring".

Life is not a pleasure cruise. The two of you are the only crew for a large and unwieldy boat. There is little time for lighting candles and scattering rose petals when there's a storm coming and you need to batten down the hatches. Pick somebody who's a good mate- both in the nautical and animal sense.

Another thing to remember: relationships are something you always work on... perhaps I should say "put work into". When you take it for granted is when problems start occuring.