[metropolis4]

I can't believe I'm posting something like this on an internet forum, but I need to vent this and I don't have anywhere else to do it right now. I absolutely love my wife and I am happy in our marriage. She is also 18 weeks pregnant and I can't be more excited about that.
My problem is this. About a year ago this girl started working in my office. She sits in the cubicle right next to mine. We quickly became good friends. We have so much in common that we just instantly clicked. This relationship has been nothing but being good office buddies and I have been very open with my wife about it. We've even gone over to her and her husbands house for dinner.

Today things took a turn. She started sharing some very personal things with me and shared some of her doubts about her husband and her marriage. I've been through this before, talking with other girls about relationship issues, and I am very good at keeping things in the right focus and avoiding temptations like this. But all of a sudden... I don't know... I felt something towards her. I felt attracted to her. When I realized what this feeling was I felt like I was going to throw up. I felt so horrible and guilty for even thinking such a thing... but it was still there, I can't honestly deny that even though I wish I could. I've felt sick and shaky all the rest of the day... I still feel this horrible twisting in my stomach even thinking about what happened.

To complicate things even more, she is an atheist and unfortunately her whole life has had men lusting after her and she has grown to think that her worth is only in her looks. She constantly has guys acting like jerks hitting on her and has never had a guy really treat her well. This has always made me feel a great sense of responsibility and pressure in how I interact with her. I've always tried to be extra careful around her to show her that that is not the kind of guy I am... or am i?

And, to complicate things even further, while I am happily married things have been a little strained in a couple areas of our marriage the last few weeks. Nothing major, but enough that think one of the things that happened today is that I saw in this girl what I am missing right now in our marriage.

I don't know what to do... I don't know what my next step is in this. I came home early from work and I have been praying hard and thinking about what to do... But even so I ended up having a fight with my wife over something very trivial and I know it's entirely my fault for being so stressed about this. I want to quit my job, run away and never look back, but I guess that's not possible right now. I love my wife so much and I would never never never do anything to hurt her, or to hurt our marriage... I feel like I didn't have a choice in this. It just snuck up on me when I wasn't prepared for it. But I still feel like I've failed her and betrayed her trust. And I've also failed this girl at work... I can't even stand the guilt I feel right now. It's 1am here and I can't even sleep..

What do I do? I've never experienced anything like this before. I feel like I should tell my wife, but I'm so afraid of how she will react, and with her being 18 weeks pregnant I don't want to do anything to cause her undo distress

[Ax]

I see there being one option and one option only. Tell your co-worker that the information she shared was too personal. You're married and you have a responsibility to you, your wire, your unborn child, and God. You're only human, and it's easily to be attracted to somebody, however it's what you do about that attraction that makes the difference.

At the very very least, you do and say nothing to your co-worker and keep the attraction to yourself. Give it time and it will pass. This is actually very common among married couples who are expecting.

[OiBoyz]

Praying.

[Epaphras]

Establish firm boundaries for yourself and stick to them. This is a test, a very crucial point in the test. You are faced with a choice and can do one of two things. Make like Joseph and RUN!

I personally don't think you should be so emotionallly/relationally invested in another woman as a married man. It's not your responsibility to help with her personal problems.

Praying for you! Do the right thing man.

[metropolis4]

I personally don't think you should be so emotionallly/relationally invested in another woman as a married man

You're right, and this was a big big wake up call for me. I've always been a guy who has a lot of girls who are just friends (seriously). I've also always been the guy who girls come to for relationship advise. Since high school I've been counseling friends through relationship issues. Because of this I'm pretty good at maintaining my boundaries. I know that the most important thing is to keep the focus on their relationship, and to keep things focused on how to work through things positively with their boyfriend/husband and keep it off of me and us. I even have a psychology degree and training in counseling.

I realize now that I have been overconfident in my own strength and ability to stay disconnected emtionally, and that things are different now that I'm married.

I feel so horrible that I failed two people in this. My wife, and also this other girl. I wish I could have been the person who could help her through these issues, but I think I've just lost my chance to do that for her...

I talked to my wife about this first thing this morning. I told her the whole story and we talked about it together. I'm glad I did that, I just couldn't stand feeling like I was keeping something from her, but I was so afraid of how she would react. She was upset with me of course, but forgiving. We talked about things I need to do to be more careful and not get myself into this situation again and she is going to stand by me and keep me accountable in that. I'm also going to talk to a close friend of mine today and ask him for support/accountability in this matter. I'm going to have to find some way of changing my boundaries with this other girl... I think that's the tricky part. Not in knowing where those boundaries should be, but in how to reestablish them with her. I don't think I should talk to her directly about it, but I somehow need her to know that things need to drastically change.

You know, my brother in law and his wife got a new dog and they don't have a fence, so they put this thing in where there is a buried wire running around the perimeter of their property. When the dog strays too far and reaches the boundary it gets a shock. The dog quickly learned not to go anywhere near that area again and to stay close to home. I definitely feel like I've just had a shock. I think I'll stick closer to home from now on

[Nate]

I'm confused. How and by what have you failed your wife or this girl? It seems that you were honest with your wife and reacted with appropriate disgust to your internal feelings of temptation [mild as they were] of untoward attraction. It seems you were also helpful with this other girl giving her a place to vent her feelings to someone who obviously cares enough to listen.

I guess I am just not convinced that the only person in the world of the opposite gender that we are intended to be emotionally connected to is our spouse. I don't think [I don't know, but I don't think] I would have a problem with my wife having a very close guy friend that she had an "emotional connection" to. I doubt she would have a problem with me having a close girl friend.

Human beings are emotional. It's time we stopped trying to shut emotions out of everywhere but our "personal" lives. I work in a college, and I cannot tell you the number of times I have heard professors and students remark about the inappropriateness of colleagues allowing their personal lives and emotions to be shown to their students (and this is a SMALL college).

Huh? I am not half as emotional as I ought to be, but the very best classes I ever took were from some of those exact professors, who talked quite openly and bluntly about their personal feelings, life experiences, emotions, etc... almost to the point of being tactless. There are emotions other than "love". Brotherly love comes to mind, and we're commanded to have it.

[Nate]

Originally Posted by Epaphras

It's not your responsibility to help with her personal problems.

That's just the thing: isn't it, though?

Isn't that what friendship is all about?

[BillSPrestonEsq]

Personally, I will say this. Talking to your wife about it was the best possible thing you could do.

I agree for the most part with Nate, but however, if lust is in your heart at that point, Scripture gives you but one option. Run. However, I honestly would use the relationship as it stands to encourage her to improve her relationship with her husband.

I would also be absolutely transparent with your wife.

[metropolis4]

I agree with you Nate.
The thing here for me though is that I need to put my wife's needs and concerns first. I am glad that I have been able to help this girl through a lot of struggles. And I would hope that in some way I could continue helping her. But, I know I can't help her if I'm feeling attracted to her. And, I found out this morning that my wife was already little worried about this other girl. She's been feeling very emotional and insecure since we found out she is pregnant and I need to make sure that I'm taking care of her first. If I need to break off my friendship entirely with this other girl for the sake of my wife, then I am more than willing to do that.

I still believe that guys and girls can be friends, and it's not that my wife has problems with me having girls who are friends (I don't have a problem with her having guy friends either), but I feel like when feelings of attraction start creeping in, something has changed and I now need to look at it in a bit different way. I just want to be extra careful here... especially right now

[Nate]

Originally Posted by metropolis4

The thing here for me though is that I need to put my wife's needs and concerns first.

Sure.

[Epaphras]

Metropolis, while I can see where Nate is coming from, honestly for you (and your description of your "way" with women fits with my experience as well), it is a weak spot in the armor, one our Enemy can exploit. As a married man you need to take extra precaution to guard that weak spot. Some men might be able to have an emotional connection with women other than their spouse...but guys like us should willingly sacrifice that for the sake of our marriages. I believe it is possible to have an emotional affair, and it can be just as devastating on a marriage as a physical/romantic affair. I have willingly scaled back my female friendships (to mere acquaintances, co-workers, classmates, etc. OR we are friends with them as couples) since we got engaged over 2 1/2 years ago, so I try to keep myself two or three steps removed from any possibility of an emotional affair. It's just a personal standard, for the sake of my marriage. On the positive, it allows me to channel all that energy into providing for my wife's emotional needs, and that has been incredibly rewarding for both of us.

You did not fail anyone -- you succeeded! You faced temptation and turned away. It is NOT a sin to be tempted. You did the right thing to be transparent with your wife, but don't expect it to be easy for her. Being pregnant with hormones racing and her body changing every day, any insecurity she may have had will now be amplified. Think about it: if she admitted a struggle with attraction with another man at her work, wouldn't you be at least a little worried/bugged every time she went to work? It was still the right thing to do (it will keep you accountable), but it's not the easy way (but it's the only way).

Courage, brother. You are doing the right thing: stay the course!

[Epaphras]

Originally Posted by metropolis4

I still believe that guys and girls can be friends

This may have to become a separate topic (if there is enough interest), but what do we actually mean by 'friends'? What does appropriate friendship between men and women married or committed to others, actually look like?

Does it mean meeting for coffee/lunch, just the two of you? Talking on the phone for extended amounts of time? Spending time together apart from each others' spouses/families?

[OiBoyz]

I'm a single woman, and I have had several relationships over the years where I was friends with a married man. But I never excluded his wife. I always made a point to be a friend of the couple, not just the husband.

And even in work relationships, if the guy is married, I will ask how his wife is, find out things about her. It's harder to cross that line when she is a real person to you.

It occurs to me, metro as I was reading this topic... With your skills and background, you like to help. Also, you're a guy, so you like to be the knight in shining armor, rescuing damsels in distress. She was probably attractive to you because she was feeling vulnerable. It's not your job to rescue her. I know you mentioned that she's not a believer, but there's a reason Scripture counsels that men should help men, and women should help women. Having said that, I think what Ax said, or a variation, is a good way to approach her

Tell your co-worker that the information she shared was too personal.

No need to go into what you were feeling. She may be oblivious. She may have been attracted to you as well. There's nothing to be gained by delving into any of that. But you do need to draw a line. Otherwise it's just going to be weird, and you do have to work with her.