[bread man]

I'm not sure if the thread title really describes the situation but I had to call it something. I'll try to keep the background information brief.

I've been spending a bit of time with a girl from church recently and I really like her. It seems pretty obvious to me that she feels the same way. I can't really say how long I've known her but it wouldn't be longer than 6 months (though she's been coming to our church for quite a bit longer than that). I first met her because she helps with children's ministry at church and plays on a music team that I lead. A few months ago one of the guys at church asked if I'd go to her formal with her at the end of the year because she goes to an all girls school. From there she asked if we could get to know each other a bit and I thought that seemed reasonable. We hung out once and it was great so we've done that a few more times and we talk often. There's 2 and a half years difference between us (she's 18, I'm nearly 21), which I felt weird about initially but she seems really mature to me and most people when meeting her for the first time can't believe that she's still in school. I've talked to my best friend, my parents and my mentor (one of the pastors at church) and they all basically told me that it's not a big deal and it shouldn't worry me.

There's not much chance of anything beyond a friendship happening for a least a couple of months but I really like her and I think I want to move it in that direction. I never really saw myself dating someone I didn't know for quite a while beforehand, but everyone around thinks she's great and I'd hate to miss out on someone great just because I'm being unnecessarily cautious or because of some needless 'rule' in my head. On the other hand the friendship really seems to be moving that way on its own and I don't want to end up hurting her if for whatever reason it starts to look like a bad idea. At this point that doesn't seem likely at all, but at this point I still feel like I don't know her well enough.

So I guess I want to know, how long do you need to know someone before moving towards this kind of relationship? What are the sorts of things you should know about them?

Obviously I'm a bit confused. Any advice, comments or questions are appreciated and helpful. Thanks.

[scared2mosh]

Originally Posted by bread man

I'm not sure if the thread title really describes the situation but I had to call it something. I'll try to keep the background information brief.

I've been spending a bit of time with a girl from church recently and I really like her. It seems pretty obvious to me that she feels the same way. I can't really say how long I've known her but it wouldn't be longer than 6 months (though she's been coming to our church for quite a bit longer than that). I first met her because she helps with children's ministry at church and plays on a music team that I lead. A few months ago one of the guys at church asked if I'd go to her formal with her at the end of the year because she goes to an all girls school. From there she asked if we could get to know each other a bit and I thought that seemed reasonable. We hung out once and it was great so we've done that a few more times and we talk often. There's 2 and a half years difference between us (she's 18, I'm nearly 21), which I felt weird about initially but she seems really mature to me and most people when meeting her for the first time can't believe that she's still in school. I've talked to my best friend, my parents and my mentor (one of the pastors at church) and they all basically told me that it's not a big deal and it shouldn't worry me.

There's not much chance of anything beyond a friendship happening for a least a couple of months but I really like her and I think I want to move it in that direction. I never really saw myself dating someone I didn't know for quite a while beforehand, but everyone around thinks she's great and I'd hate to miss out on someone great just because I'm being unnecessarily cautious or because of some needless 'rule' in my head. On the other hand the friendship really seems to be moving that way on its own and I don't want to end up hurting her if for whatever reason it starts to look like a bad idea. At this point that doesn't seem likely at all, but at this point I still feel like I don't know her well enough.

So I guess I want to know, how long do you need to know someone before moving towards this kind of relationship? What are the sorts of things you should know about them?

Obviously I'm a bit confused. Any advice, comments or questions are appreciated and helpful. Thanks.

Well if you enjoy each others company then continue hang out as friends... if it turns into a romantic relationship cool. If not then you have a new friend.

If you are already (relatively) close as friends and you are interested in her (and vice versa) I wouldnt worry about your age difference or how long you have known each other. 2 1/2 years really isn't that big of a difference... especially if she is mature for her age.

I hope that helps

[Rainer.]

It sounds like you... her... your best friend... your parents... and one of your pastors all think it's a swell idea.

I don't know how much more any of us here can add to that.

[BillSPrestonEsq]

Originally Posted by bread man

I'm not sure if the thread title really describes the situation but I had to call it something. I'll try to keep the background information brief.

I've been spending a bit of time with a girl from church recently and I really like her. It seems pretty obvious to me that she feels the same way. I can't really say how long I've known her but it wouldn't be longer than 6 months (though she's been coming to our church for quite a bit longer than that). I first met her because she helps with children's ministry at church and plays on a music team that I lead. A few months ago one of the guys at church asked if I'd go to her formal with her at the end of the year because she goes to an all girls school. From there she asked if we could get to know each other a bit and I thought that seemed reasonable. We hung out once and it was great so we've done that a few more times and we talk often. There's 2 and a half years difference between us (she's 18, I'm nearly 21), which I felt weird about initially but she seems really mature to me and most people when meeting her for the first time can't believe that she's still in school. I've talked to my best friend, my parents and my mentor (one of the pastors at church) and they all basically told me that it's not a big deal and it shouldn't worry me.

There's not much chance of anything beyond a friendship happening for a least a couple of months but I really like her and I think I want to move it in that direction. I never really saw myself dating someone I didn't know for quite a while beforehand, but everyone around thinks she's great and I'd hate to miss out on someone great just because I'm being unnecessarily cautious or because of some needless 'rule' in my head. On the other hand the friendship really seems to be moving that way on its own and I don't want to end up hurting her if for whatever reason it starts to look like a bad idea. At this point that doesn't seem likely at all, but at this point I still feel like I don't know her well enough.

So I guess I want to know, how long do you need to know someone before moving towards this kind of relationship? What are the sorts of things you should know about them?

Obviously I'm a bit confused. Any advice, comments or questions are appreciated and helpful. Thanks.

Here would be my advice. Continue the friendship, get to know her that well. I mean frankly, the rules here are in your head. I think a time based rule would be silly to be hard and fast. I mean, I have known some people better in six months than some of my brothers know me after 28 years.

What should you know about them? The things important to them. I mean for all of us its a little different. I would think some basics would be each others hopes, dreams, and aspirations, and their story. Even then... surprises come up. Its just the nature of relationships. How long you need is going to vary entirely. In some senses, I would say a year is a rough estimate for how long it takes me to really get to know someone in a casual friendship. I knew my best friend really well after a couple months. It all depends on you two.

I can comment on the two years thing. For me and my wife, there is two years, and 18 days age difference, and a full generation between us. I am kind of a tail end gen x, and she is a millenium. SO there are definite cultural and worldview differences at times. Now we were not raised in a similar area or social strata, so occasionally we both have to defer to the other's expertise.

A couple years can be nothing at all, but at times, it can e an issue.

[Ax]

I didn't know Steph very well before we started dating. I knew who she was but we hung out a couple of times and it became VERY obvious that we wanted to date each other. VERY. So, we started dating. I'm very grateful I decided to start dating her. 5 years and an engagement ring later, here I sit telling you that a huge part of dating is getting to know the person better.

[OiBoyz]

I wouldn't worry about the age difference, it's not a big deal. You meet married couples all the time who have a similar age difference. My thoughts are a little bit different.

She's young (so are you, and it figures in here) is she planning on going go college? Are you? If so, any "serious" and by serious I mean looking at marriage stuff, should take future goals into account. And don't let her NOT go to college just because of a relationship with you. It's fine if she never had any college aspirations, but if she did then she should definitely think twice about giving that up. And there's nothing wrong with the choice to be a wife and mother. It's a high and holy calling. But as I said, she's young.

[Pre-Ex-Girlfriend]

I also don't think the age difference is a big deal. It may be weird that she's still in school, but once she's done it won't be as big of a deal. As far as what you should know about her... Isn't that what dating is for? To get to know someone? I guess instead of an answer I have more of a question. What kind of relationship are you talking about when you say "dating" or "romantic"? Are you talking about an exclusive, serious relationship heading toward marriage? Or are you talking about hanging out, going out, getting to know each other (perhaps each others families)? Generally, I would say that the more serious the relationship, the more you should know about the person (as has been said, stuff like what is important to them). It's also important to be on the same page as the person you're in the relationship with as to what exactly that relationship is. Do they want to be serious or just hang out?

[DaGeek]

I think you should go to a large brook, pull a huge trout from the water with your bare hands, and slap her with it. If she still wants to hang out, she's a keeper. If not... Then at least the fish is a keeper .



...All comic relief aside, I agree with all the advice that's been given. It's not necessary to know someone for an extended period of time before dating. Rachael/Rachel/howeveryouspellit hit the nail on the head, I think, with asking, "Isn't that what dating is for?" Dating is nice because you acknowledge that you A) Have feelings for each other beyond friendship, and B) Aren't necessarily going to end up together, but want to see where it'll end up anyway. At least, I think that's what ideal dating would look like. If you hide behind the veil of "maybe I like you maybe I don't" for too long (and don't put a static time on that --- it's different each relationship), then you're in danger of either becoming stagnant or her finding another guy.

However, do not rush it no matter what you do, and, if you think you're going slowly, go slower. Best advice I've ever been given .

[bread man]

Thanks for the input everyone, I really appreciate it. To answer some of the questions:

Originally Posted by OiBoyz

She's young (so are you, and it figures in here) is she planning on going go college?

Yes. In fact, she's on a visa that requires her to.

Are you?

I'm about to finish my second year.

If so, any "serious" and by serious I mean looking at marriage stuff, should take future goals into account. And don't let her NOT go to college just because of a relationship with you.

Yeah, I wouldn't think of doing something like this, and I think she's sensible enough not to make a decision like that. However, my university is a 75 minute commute (which I do 3 times a week) and she's going to one that's only a few minutes away so it's not such an issue.

Originally Posted by Rachael

Isn't that what dating is for? To get to know someone?

I guess it is. I've never dated anyone before so you'll have to pardon my ignorance.

What kind of relationship are you talking about when you say "dating" or "romantic"? Are you talking about an exclusive, serious relationship heading toward marriage? Or are you talking about hanging out, going out, getting to know each other (perhaps each others families)?

Much more the former than the latter, since we're already doing the latter. I definitely plan to talk to her about it so we're on the same page. But I don't want to do that too soon because she's still in school and I'm a youth leader and we have rules against leaders and students being in dating relationships, for good reason (my pastor knows everything that's going on at the moment and is totally ok with it). And also I don't want to distract her when she's just about to finish and has a lot of important stuff going on.

[Than]

It all depends on how much risk you want to take. I've dated some girls that I didn't really know...sometimes that can be half the fun. Other times, it's just setting yourself up for heartbreak.

You said you had a couple months before you would consider "making a move" or whatever, so just ride it out. I guarantee you that if you keep hanging out as friends until then, you'll have a much better idea. You seem very much like a discerning, legit guy, so I would just trust your guy instinct.

[bread man]

Well, I've spent a lot of time with her since I originally posted the thread. I've also gotten to know her mum and sister pretty well and I've introduced her to a lot of my friends and done things both one-on-one and in groups. We had a talk last weekend and I told her that I like her a lot and she said she felt the same way about me. We agreed not to rush into anything, and she knows that I can't date her anyway until about the end of November because of the rules we have about youth leaders dating students. That's where it is at the moment and I'm pretty happy.

[Ax]

Originally Posted by bread man

Well, I've spent a lot of time with her since I originally posted the thread. I've also gotten to know her mum and sister pretty well and I've introduced her to a lot of my friends and done things both one-on-one and in groups. We had a talk last weekend and I told her that I like her a lot and she said she felt the same way about me. We agreed not to rush into anything, and she knows that I can't date her anyway until about the end of November because of the rules we have about youth leaders dating students. That's where it is at the moment and I'm pretty happy.

That's certainly a good thing. I'm happy for you.