[Eriol]

I generally don't post here because I usually finish songs and leave no questions asked, but this one leaves me asking some questions. Its a song about apathy which is something ive struggled with.
1) Does the song communicate what i want it to and
2) does it need a bridge (lyrical, there is a musical bridge already written that will work with or without words as far as the song, but i dont know if the song NEEDS the lyrical part)

Feel free to critque anything, heres a quick guitar/vocal take

The Wonderful Future

Pardon, have I been here staring at you this whole time,
Did I make you feel out of place, I extend my deepest apologies,
I'd like to think every word of mine would grow some wings
and fly south when hearts grow cold, But this winter seems long

Brother dying, a husband lying to his wife,
But I'm still fine, I'm still breathing

Its some kind of future my heart is divided, still undecided oh my God,
Whats gotten in my head

Fake a cry it was love at first now shes out of sight, But theres another sun to rise,
In my world filled with apathy,
Brothers war you asked for nothing ask nothing more, I'll leave you fighting alone,
I am not one to empathize,

Siren screaming, a mother bleeding out this life,
I'm still fine I'm still breathing


Its some kind of future my heart is divided, still undecided oh my God,
Whats gotten in my head
What a wonderful future, the faces are fading, always replacing,
I feel so wrong, do i feel it at all

[6strings21frets]

I downloaded and listened to it last night. I won't give you a good critique just yet, but I can say that I can relate to the first verse and I think it's a solid start. After this, I'm looking forward to re-listening and further critiqing.

[Nate]

No time to go in detail (I will come back later for that), but have you heard Jars Of Clay's "Oh My God" off of "Good Monsters"? If not, go take a listen. If so, I can see the influence.

One thing that I think is missing (and that is present, and very effective in Jars' song) is a little more ranting. "Brother dying, husband lying" and "Siren screaming, mother bleeding" are great lines, but I think those little prechorus sections would be stronger were you to string together a few more (I don't want to suggest you copy the form of the Jars' song exactly, but take a listen to how they handle this during their extended bridge). It would build up the contrast of "I'm still fine" even more, and make the "what's gotten into my head?" more poignant.

I'm a sucker for songs like this, and yours is pretty well-executed, but I would just take it a step further even.

[rock_show_host]

I'll be the third to say I don't have time for a detailed critique right now, but overall I like this a lot. The lyrics are solid and flow well, especially the first verse (I love those first two lines). And I like the opening guitar riff a lot.

Also, is that you singing? Cause if so, man, you've got some voice.

[Eriol]

well to answer a slew of questions at once, actually Jars of Clay is one of my favorite bands, and I hesitated quite a bit at the inclusion of the "of my God" line because I didnt want to be "copying" if you will, but in this circumstance it seemed like it was the right thing to put. I have thought about having more of a "rant" as has been mentioned, and already have some lines put together, and thats exactly why I was asking. I've been performing this song more or less as you heard on the recording, so yea thats me singing, and i have the tendency to not adjust my songs after ive started playing them live, even though i never truly put the "finished" stamp on it. So it works as is, but I feel like it could use more, and I think thats being confirmed here. Thanks so much!! Any other input is also greatly appreciated

[tmlfan123]

Man this is great... I really enjoyed this song. Definitely one of the best to come into this forum in the past six months. Just out of curiosity, how did you record this? Excellent quality. I agree with literally everything Nate said. My favourite part is definitely the intro.

I don't think you need a lyrical bridge at all. And I'm definitely hearing what you're saying through this song. I'd say you're pretty close to a "finished" stamp on this one.

[Eriol]

on the guitar i used a michael jolly gomez ribbon mic, and on the vox just a RODE NT2, both through a PreSonus Eureka into protools. As this is a scratch recording I wasn't too concerned with getting things to sound "just right," but it sounds decent. I'll probably stereo mic the guitar on the final recording, but the "final" will be done in a real studio with drums and such.

Also in this song I'm playing a DADGAD tuning, which allows for the cool harmonic kinda stuff. I wrote this song directly after watching the movie August Rush so I was experimenting along those lines as well.

[Skeeter]

I haven't had the chance to listen to the song yet, but the lyrics themselves incorporate some great turns of phrase (turn of phrases?) that warmed the cockles of my heart. Some of the lines, however, are a bit pedestrian, like they're just filling space. It may be too late to change those lyrics (I know I get stuck on some phrases and am unable to separate them from a song), but it's something to consider for your next song.

Pardon, have I been here staring at you this whole time,
Did I make you feel out of place, I extend my deepest apologies,

These are the first troublesome lines for me. If I just saw these lines and not the rest of the song, I wouldn't have an issue with them, as they make for a decent opening. I like the idea of starting the song with an apology. I'm reminded of one interpretation of the national anthem of Canada: "Oh, Canada! I didn't see you there."

The issue is that the "you" of these first two lines isn't found in the rest of the song. It's a bit of a false start as these two lines make me think that the song is going to be directed to this "you," but the "you" swiftly disappears.

I'd like to think every word of mine would grow some wings
and fly south when hearts grow cold, But this winter seems long

This is a neat turn of phrase. I'm a bit troubled by the repetition of "grow" in such close proximity, but it's not a big deal.

Brother dying, a husband lying to his wife,
But I'm still fine, I'm still breathing

This works as a building block and I get what you're saying, but the connection to you, personally, isn't found here. Is this meant to be your brother? How are the husband and wife connected to you. Basically, you're trying to get a response from the listener that you should care about these things and it's surprising that you don't. Without knowing the connection between you and these people, it comes off a bit flat.

Still, it's workable. Adding a bit more "ranting," as Nate suggested, may help as well.

Its some kind of future my heart is divided, still undecided oh my God,
Whats gotten in my head

You lose me a little here. The clichés (heart is divided, what's gotten in my head) aren't doing a whole lot of heavy lifting for you, so the bulk of the meaning is trying to be carried by "some kind of future," which is just too vague to do anything for you.

Fake a cry it was love at first now shes out of sight, But theres another sun to rise,
In my world filled with apathy,
Brothers war you asked for nothing ask nothing more, I'll leave you fighting alone,
I am not one to empathize,

These lines are carrying most of the meaning of the song, with the second and fourth lines stating outright the theme. The good thing is, they work quite well. "Love at first, now she's out of sight" is a neat turn of phrase.

Siren screaming, a mother bleeding out this life,
I'm still fine I'm still breathing

Same issues as before, made worse by the vague "a mother." Not to be callous, but people die all the time, often tragically, and it would be impossible for me to care about and show emotion for every single one. There needs to be more connection in the song between these tragic events and the singer of the song for these lines to have an impact.

Its some kind of future my heart is divided, still undecided oh my God,
Whats gotten in my head
What a wonderful future, the faces are fading, always replacing,
I feel so wrong, do i feel it at all

The second half added to the chorus helps quite a bit. I wonder why you don't use it earlier in the song, as it's better than the first half and gives "wonderful future" such a wonderfully bitter taste.

Hopefully I'll be able to listen to the song within the next couple days and comment on the music as well. Sometimes the delivery of the lyrics solves some of the problems in the lyrics themselves, and this could be the case here.

[Eriol]

Hopefully I'll be able to listen to the song within the next couple days and comment on the music as well. Sometimes the delivery of the lyrics solves some of the problems in the lyrics themselves, and this could be the case here.[/QUOTE]

Sweet critique. Hopefully I'll be able to defend my lyrical positions (not that I view your critique as an attack, not at all, but rather I think that when put to the question I should be able to show that the lyrics are thought out, not just randomly placed).

Originally Posted by Skeeter

These are the first troublesome lines for me. If I just saw these lines and not the rest of the song, I wouldn't have an issue with them, as they make for a decent opening. I like the idea of starting the song with an apology. I'm reminded of one interpretation of the national anthem of Canada: "Oh, Canada! I didn't see you there."

The issue is that the "you" of these first two lines isn't found in the rest of the song. It's a bit of a false start as these two lines make me think that the song is going to be directed to this "you," but the "you" swiftly disappears.

I understand what you're saying. I confess the song is not entirely uniform in regards to its structure. This first bit is basically stream of consciousness...I'm the kind of person that will get lost staring into space thinking about something else....Its been awkward a few times when I've realized I was staring at say, someones butt whilst totally unaware I was doing it. Thats why I started it like that, its more like "I'm lost in thought, and I just realized you were here....quick recognition, I'm going back into my hole."

Originally Posted by Skeeter

I'd like to think every word of mine would grow some wings
and fly south when hearts grow cold, But this winter seems long

This is a neat turn of phrase. I'm a bit troubled by the repetition of "grow" in such close proximity, but it's not a big deal.

I hadn't noticed the two grows actually, the way it runs with the music doesn't accentuate the two words, so I don't think its a problem as you say. If it were I might change the second "grow" to "go."

Originally Posted by Skeeter

Brother dying, a husband lying to his wife,
But I'm still fine, I'm still breathing

This works as a building block and I get what you're saying, but the connection to you, personally, isn't found here. Is this meant to be your brother? How are the husband and wife connected to you. Basically, you're trying to get a response from the listener that you should care about these things and it's surprising that you don't. Without knowing the connection between you and these people, it comes off a bit flat.

Still, it's workable. Adding a bit more "ranting," as Nate suggested, may help as well.

The general idea I'm attempting to express is that if it doesn't directly affect me, I don't care. A brother dying would (one would think) affect me, but the sentiment being expressed is that it wouldnt. The husband lying bit is actually a bit of interjected cultural commentary. At first glance we would think "whats so terrible, I mean it happens all the time." But really its rather an egregious offense, and the idea was that it should be viewed as more of a problem.

Originally Posted by Skeeter

Its some kind of future my heart is divided, still undecided oh my God,
Whats gotten in my head

You lose me a little here. The clichés (heart is divided, what's gotten in my head) aren't doing a whole lot of heavy lifting for you, so the bulk of the meaning is trying to be carried by "some kind of future," which is just too vague to do anything for you.

I recognize the cliche aspect, but in this instance it was exactly what I wanted to put. Its speaking about a relationship I've had/have where I've been so hot and cold to steal a Katy Perry lyric (sorry) and unable to decide about the most basic things. I'll say here that with the added explanation some of you may begin to think this has less to do with apathy and more to do with some other sort of issue. I understand that, and I don't endorse this lyric as being a "proper" representation of apathy or anything like that, its just what I felt at the time, correctly or incorrectly.

Originally Posted by Skeeter

Fake a cry it was love at first now shes out of sight, But theres another sun to rise,
In my world filled with apathy,
Brothers war you asked for nothing ask nothing more, I'll leave you fighting alone,
I am not one to empathize,

These lines are carrying most of the meaning of the song, with the second and fourth lines stating outright the theme. The good thing is, they work quite well. "Love at first, now she's out of sight" is a neat turn of phrase.

Yea, I was rather proud when I thought up that one "love at first now shes out of sight" hahaha

Originally Posted by Skeeter

Siren screaming, a mother bleeding out this life,
I'm still fine I'm still breathing

Same issues as before, made worse by the vague "a mother." Not to be callous, but people die all the time, often tragically, and it would be impossible for me to care about and show emotion for every single one. There needs to be more connection in the song between these tragic events and the singer of the song for these lines to have an impact.

this comes from what i've observed from others. such as when something rather terrible happens, and others around my react visibly, i.e. cry, are melancholy, etc... my continued lack of reaction (while not necessarily a true problem) has left me frustrated many times making me think I just don't feel like they do...again, correctly or incorrectly.

Originally Posted by Skeeter

Its some kind of future my heart is divided, still undecided oh my God,
Whats gotten in my head
What a wonderful future, the faces are fading, always replacing,
I feel so wrong, do i feel it at all

The second half added to the chorus helps quite a bit. I wonder why you don't use it earlier in the song, as it's better than the first half and gives "wonderful future" such a wonderfully bitter taste.

The second half is aimed at an inability to maintain relationships and frustration at the constant "changing of the guard" as far as the people in my life are concerned.

Originally Posted by Skeeter

Hopefully I'll be able to listen to the song within the next couple days and comment on the music as well. Sometimes the delivery of the lyrics solves some of the problems in the lyrics themselves, and this could be the case here.

Hopefully that'll be the case, but I enjoyed the critique a lot. I used to post some songs on here way way back when but I can't say I was truly putting alot into them lyrically. I'm trying more now haha, so I'm definitely trying to improve. I think to add more of the personal element as you were saying, I might do a bridge....I just don't want to force anything in there, I'm hoping something at some point will just flow out and begin forming there....we'll see! Thanks!