Go Back   Christian Guitar Forum > Community > General Discussion
Register FAQ Members List Calendar Arcade Mark Forums Read

Reply
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Unread 11-28-2016, 03:28 AM   #901
Chur Bro
 
dogfood's Avatar
 

Joined: Feb 2004
Location: New Zealand, Fiji
Posts: 13,436
Send a message via MSN to dogfood
I had a nightmare about perforated paper last night.
It was tearable...

__________________
dogfood is offline   Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
Unread 01-20-2017, 08:52 PM   #902
Chur Bro
 
dogfood's Avatar
 

Joined: Feb 2004
Location: New Zealand, Fiji
Posts: 13,436
Send a message via MSN to dogfood
Carrie Fisher runs into George Michael in heaven and says "George! I am such a huge fan of your music, I have all your albums except the first one!"

George replies with:

"I find your lack of Faith disturbing."

sent from Fiji by coconut mail.
__________________
dogfood is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 01-26-2017, 07:41 PM   #903
Chur Bro
 
dogfood's Avatar
 

Joined: Feb 2004
Location: New Zealand, Fiji
Posts: 13,436
Send a message via MSN to dogfood
I was working out at the gym when I spotted a sweet young thing walking in ... I asked the trainer standing next to me, "What machine should I use to impress that lady over there?" The trainer looked me over and said; "I would recommend the ATM in the lobby."
__________________
dogfood is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 01-26-2017, 07:42 PM   #904
Chur Bro
 
dogfood's Avatar
 

Joined: Feb 2004
Location: New Zealand, Fiji
Posts: 13,436
Send a message via MSN to dogfood
Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs to the 'Antiques Roadshow'.

"Ooh!" said the presenter, "This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of last century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"

"...Sticks?" Paddy replied.

{
}
__________________
dogfood is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 01-26-2017, 07:44 PM   #905
Chur Bro
 
dogfood's Avatar
 

Joined: Feb 2004
Location: New Zealand, Fiji
Posts: 13,436
Send a message via MSN to dogfood
An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man, "Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The old man just groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager"

Once again, the old man just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the dishevelled man, but with no success. Finally they summoned the police. The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy what's your name?"

"Fred," the old man moaned.

"Where ya from, Fred?" asked the police officer.

With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Fred replied, "The balcony."
__________________
dogfood is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 04-08-2017, 09:19 AM   #906
Registered User
 
Ehud_'s Avatar
 

Joined: Mar 2017
Location: South Carolina
Posts: 10
Ok, before anyone gets offended, I'll say insert president's name of your choice in the joke. I think it started as a Bush joke.


Guy goes into a bar, there's a robot bartender. The robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini." The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man, "What's your IQ?" The guy says,"168". The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.

The guy leaves, but he is curious, so he goes back into the bar. The robot bartender says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini". Again, the robot makes a great martini, gives it to the man and says, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "100." The robot then starts to talk about Nascar, Budweiser and John Deere tractors.

The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time. He goes back into the bar. The robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini", and the robot brings him another great martini. The robot then says, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "Uh, about 50." The robot leans in real close and says, "So, you people still happy you voted for Obama?"
__________________
~jason

www.gospel2truckers.com
Ehud_ is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 04-20-2017, 06:02 AM   #907
Chur Bro
 
dogfood's Avatar
 

Joined: Feb 2004
Location: New Zealand, Fiji
Posts: 13,436
Send a message via MSN to dogfood
The other day my wife asked me to pass her a lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.
__________________
dogfood is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 07-17-2017, 03:52 AM   #908
Chur Bro
 
dogfood's Avatar
 

Joined: Feb 2004
Location: New Zealand, Fiji
Posts: 13,436
Send a message via MSN to dogfood
Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. A nurse approaches the first guy and says, “Congratulations! You're the father of twins.” “That's odd,” answers the man. “I work for the Minnesota Twins!” A nurse then yells the second man, “Congratulations! You're the father of triplets!” “That's weird,” answers the second man. “I work for the 3M company!” A nurse goes up to the third man saying, “Congratulations! You're the father of quadruplets." “That's strange,” he answers. “I work for the Four Seasons hotel!” The last man begins groaning and banging his head against the wall. “What's wrong?” the others ask. “I work for 7 Up!”
__________________
dogfood is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 07-21-2017, 05:32 AM   #909
Chur Bro
 
dogfood's Avatar
 

Joined: Feb 2004
Location: New Zealand, Fiji
Posts: 13,436
Send a message via MSN to dogfood
I have a chicken proof lawn.

It's impeccable.
__________________
dogfood is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 07-24-2017, 02:44 PM   #910
Registered User
 
jthomas1600's Avatar
 

Joined: Mar 2008
Location: In the great state of Texas
Posts: 4,805
If you're looking for a legit barber in your area, look for the oldest one around. If a guy is still cutting hair into his 60's he's obviously.....to legit to quit.
jthomas1600 is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 10-22-2017, 07:02 PM   #911
Chur Bro
 
dogfood's Avatar
 

Joined: Feb 2004
Location: New Zealand, Fiji
Posts: 13,436
Send a message via MSN to dogfood
A boy at a cinema notices what looks like a bear sitting next to him "Are you a bear? "Yes "What are you doing at the movies? "Well, I liked the book! "
__________________
dogfood is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 10-22-2017, 07:04 PM   #912
Chur Bro
 
dogfood's Avatar
 

Joined: Feb 2004
Location: New Zealand, Fiji
Posts: 13,436
Send a message via MSN to dogfood
A double whammy:Why do elephants paint their testicles red? So they can hide in cherry trees. What's the loudest noise in the jungle? A Monkey eating cherries.
__________________
dogfood is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 10-23-2017, 04:22 AM   #913
Chur Bro
 
dogfood's Avatar
 

Joined: Feb 2004
Location: New Zealand, Fiji
Posts: 13,436
Send a message via MSN to dogfood
A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. "I can hardly believe my eyes! " he exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen. "Nah, he's not so smart," the friend replied. "I've beaten him three games out of five. "
__________________
dogfood is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 10-23-2017, 04:27 AM   #914
Chur Bro
 
dogfood's Avatar
 

Joined: Feb 2004
Location: New Zealand, Fiji
Posts: 13,436
Send a message via MSN to dogfood
A vampire bat came flapping in from a night of foraging, covered in fresh blood. He parked himself on the cave's roof to get some sleep. ~~~Soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to shut up and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in. "OK, follow me. " He flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. "Do you see that tree over there? " "YES, YES, YES!! " the bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Well I didn't! "
__________________
dogfood is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 10-24-2017, 12:11 AM   #915
Chur Bro
 
dogfood's Avatar
 

Joined: Feb 2004
Location: New Zealand, Fiji
Posts: 13,436
Send a message via MSN to dogfood
How to Catch a White Elephant? Go to an place where there are white elephants. Bring with you a muffin (with raisins). Climb a tree. When the white elephant is close,drop the muffin (with raisins) in front of it. The white elephant will be happy, and eat the muffin (with raisins). White elephants like muffins (with raisins). Repeat this procedure for five days in a row. After the fifth day, the white elephant will be used to its daily muffin(with raisins). The sixth day you climb the tree, bring with you a muffin without raisins. Drop the muffin as usual. When the white elephant finds out that the muffin lacks raisins, it will darken in anger. And then you catch it the same way as an ordinary grey elephant.
__________________
dogfood is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On



All times are GMT -6. The time now is 10:19 PM.


Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.6.0 PL2