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Unread 08-07-2011, 03:38 AM   #76
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I visited the offices of the RSPCA today.
It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.

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Unread 08-17-2011, 10:01 PM   #77
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Sects, sects, sects. Is that all you monks ever think about?
This thread made me very thank you
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בְּרֵאשִׁית, בָּרָא אֱלֹהִים, אֵת הַשָּׁמַיִם, וְאֵת הָאָרֶץ.
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Unread 08-26-2011, 09:55 PM   #78
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A dying granny tells her granddaughter, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the villa, the tractor, and other equipment, the farmhouse and $22,398,750 in cash." The granddaughter, absolutely floored and about to become rich says, "Oh granny, you are SO generous! I didn't even know you had a farm. Where is it?" With her last breath, Granny whispered, "Facebook..."
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Unread 08-27-2011, 01:21 AM   #79
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I found this halirous website with clean jokes of all sorts. My favourite was the Jesus joke that went like this:
It's natural for us to think of Jesus as being like us. And there are compelling reasons for us to do so. Here are some good ones:
Jesus was Italian:
He had wine with His meals. He used olive oil. He talked with His hands.
Jesus was Black:
He liked Gospel. He called everyone brother. He couldn't get a fair trial.
Jesus was Jewish:
He lived at home until he was 33 years old. He went into His father's business. He was sure His mother was a virgin and His mother was sure He was God.
Jesus was Irish:
He was always telling stories. He loved green pastures. He never got married.
Jesus was a Californian:
He walked around bare footed. He never cut His hair. He started a new religion.
Jesus was a woman:
He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of guys who just didn't get it. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food. Even after He died, He had to get up because there was work to do.
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בְּרֵאשִׁית, בָּרָא אֱלֹהִים, אֵת הַשָּׁמַיִם, וְאֵת הָאָרֶץ.
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Unread 09-11-2011, 02:31 AM   #80
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Jean opens her refrigerator and sees a rabbit sitting on one of the shelves.
"What are you doing in there?" she asks.
The rabbit replies, "This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?"
"Yes it is," replies Jean.
"Well," says the rabbit, "I'm westing."
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Unread 09-26-2011, 12:23 PM   #81
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If you say 'gullible' really slowly it sounds like orange...
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Unread 10-06-2011, 02:13 AM   #82
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Just found out my Mums got Alzheimers, hope it doesn't run in the family because my Mums got it too
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Unread 10-07-2011, 05:32 PM   #83
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Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"
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Unread 10-07-2011, 05:40 PM   #84
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I've heard that one before. Next.
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Muy Caliente, Mamasita! . . . Hey Carl, . . . FTW
"True believers and non-believers may question my devotion to either cause. But living an authentic life allows me to be a better person, a better spouse, and a better parent." - Stephanie Lauritzen


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Unread 10-14-2011, 10:12 PM   #85
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An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando, thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North.

On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read $10,000 per call.

The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God. O.K, thank you, said the American. He then traveled to Indianapolis, Washington DC, Philadelphia, Boston and New York. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same $10,000 per call sign under it.

The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel to New Zealand to see if New Zealanders had the same phone.

He arrived in New Zealand, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read 40 cents per call. The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign.

Father, I've travelled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in the US the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?

The priest smiled and answered, You're in New Zealand now son, it's a local call...............
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Unread 10-15-2011, 01:49 AM   #86
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It is, however, more expensive to call a wallabee.
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Unread 10-17-2011, 10:19 PM   #87
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My job is to crush soft drink cans. It's soda pressing.
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Unread 10-17-2011, 11:28 PM   #88
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I went to the barbers and asked to have my hair cut like Tom Cruise. The barber gave me a cushion to sit on.
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Unread 10-25-2011, 07:18 PM   #89
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My whisky kept going missing so I confronted the wife. She told me that the guilty party was the family dog. I found it staggering.
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Unread 10-28-2011, 06:38 PM   #90
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So what's the deal with Ovaltine? The jar is round; the mug is round; it should be called roundtine.
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