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Unread 01-21-2015, 03:39 AM   #751
طعام الكلب
 
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I came downstairs this morning to see that my curtains were drawn.

All the furniture was real though.

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Unread 01-22-2015, 01:35 PM   #752
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Someone ripped the pages out of both ends of my dictionary today.

It just goes from bad to worse!
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Unread 02-01-2015, 02:17 AM   #753
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The next person who asks me for pineapple juice, cranberry juice, lemonade & a slice of orange in the same glass is getting a punch.
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Unread 02-02-2015, 06:47 PM   #754
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What's the difference between GD and CPF?

Posts count.
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Unread 02-02-2015, 07:08 PM   #755
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What has two legs and bleeds all the time?

Half a cat.
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Unread 02-05-2015, 08:36 PM   #756
a little off-balance
 
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I went to the doctor the other day. He told me I have something called "onomatopeia." Being unfamiliar, I asked "Is it bad?"

Doctor responded, "It's exactly what it sounds like."
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I like peanut butter, and I like jam, so what's to stop me from putting them together? People do it all the time.

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Unread 02-06-2015, 12:25 AM   #757
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I think I get it. Trying to decide if its funny. Im not sure.

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Unread 02-06-2015, 02:16 AM   #758
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Facebook keeps asking me where I grew up.

Why does it assume I did any such thing?
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Unread 02-06-2015, 02:18 AM   #759
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The inventor of the disappointing punchline has died.

His funeral will be held on Tuesday at 2pm.
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Unread 02-10-2015, 03:33 AM   #760
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My old gran used to say "walls have ears", and she didn't even own a Samsung smart TV.
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Unread 02-10-2015, 03:36 AM   #761
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"How's the flat you're living in in London, Jock?" asks his mother when he calls home to Aberdeen.
"It's okay," he replies, "but the woman next door keeps screaming and crying all night and the guy on the other side keeps banging his head on the wall."
"Never you mind," says his mother, "don't you let them get to you, just ignore them."
"Aye, that I do," he says, "I just keep playing my bagpipes."
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Unread 02-12-2015, 03:23 AM   #762
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To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants, you have to look at their ears.

You lift one up and shout... "Where are you from, mate?"
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Unread 02-12-2015, 03:28 AM   #763
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MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.

Mittens, if you're reading this, please come home.
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Unread 02-12-2015, 03:30 AM   #764
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I bought a bed spread the other day...

It tastes disgusting on toast.
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Unread 02-12-2015, 07:37 AM   #765
What do now?
 
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Quote:
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I bought a bed spread the other day...

It tastes disgusting on toast.
I would imagine so.
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Ben Toast, I have been sanctioned by the official CGRARC (Christian Guitar Resources Awesome-ness Recognition Committee) to declare that henceforth and hitherto, you are awesome.
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