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Unread 08-09-2010, 05:53 PM   #46
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Unread 08-09-2010, 09:51 PM   #47
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I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
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Unread 08-24-2010, 03:11 PM   #48
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Exclamation yikes

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Originally Posted by dogfood View Post
A viking called Leif come home after a long voyage to discover that his name has been removed from the town register. he complains to the council. "Im sorry" says the official " I must of taken Leif off my census".
Whoa, I resemble that remark!!!::rofl
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Unread 10-17-2010, 04:38 PM   #49
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Unread 02-08-2011, 06:10 PM   #50
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The year you stop believing in Santa Claus is the year you start getting clothes for Christmas
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Unread 02-13-2011, 04:46 AM   #51
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Unread 02-13-2011, 04:52 AM   #52
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Unread 02-13-2011, 04:58 AM   #53
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Unread 02-13-2011, 05:11 AM   #54
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Unread 04-08-2011, 09:20 PM   #55
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Last Saturday night the Oregon symphony orchestra was performing Beethoven's Ninth. In the piece, there's a long passage, about 20 minutes, during which the bass violinists have nothing to do. Rather than sit around that whole time being bored, some of the bassists decided to lift the curtain and sneak offstage to the tavern next door.

Fifteen minutes later, after slamming several beers in quick succession, one of them looked at his watch and said, "My God! We need to get back!"

"No need to panic," said a fellow bassist, "I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string. It will take him a few minutes to get it untangled. We’ve got plenty of time”

After finishing their last beer they staggered back to the concert hall, once again lifted the curtain and took their places in the orchestra. About this time, a member of the audience noticed the bass players were giggling and the conductor seemed a bit edgy. She turned to her companion and asked if he knew what was going on.

"Well, of course I do," said her companion. "Don't you see? It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded.”
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Unread 04-08-2011, 09:21 PM   #56
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How do you know when you're kissing a french horn player? He has his hand up your butt.
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Unread 04-08-2011, 09:22 PM   #57
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Detaché: an indication that the trombones are to play with their slides removed.
Risoluto: indicates to orchestras that they are to stubbornly maintain the correct tempo no matter what the conductor tries to do.

Senza sordino: a term used to remind the player that he forgot to put his mute on a few measures back.

Preparatory beat: a threat made to singers, i.e., sing, or else....

Crescendo: a reminder to the performer that he has been playing too loudly.

Conductor: a musician who is adept at following many people at the same time.

Transposition: the act of moving the relative pitch of a piece of music that is too low for the basses to a point where it is too high for the sopranos.

Chromatic scale: an instrument for weighing that indicates half-pounds.

Bar line: a gathering of people, usually among which may be found a musician or two.

Ad libitum: a premiere.

Beat: what music students do to each other with their instruments. The down beat is performed on top of the head, while the up beat is struck under the chin.

Cadence: when everybody hopes you're going to stop, but you don't.

Diatonic: low-calorie Schweppes.

Lamentoso: with handkerchiefs.

Virtuoso: a musician with very high morals. (I know one)
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Unread 05-10-2011, 02:24 PM   #58
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I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.


Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
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Unread 05-13-2011, 05:45 PM   #59
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A tough looking biker was riding his Harley when he sees a blonde girl about to jump off a bridge so he stops. "What are you doing?" he asks.
"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a Kiss?"
So, she does.
After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I
have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be
famous.
Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"
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Unread 05-13-2011, 05:51 PM   #60
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The moon is moving away at a tiny, although measurable distance from the earth every year. Do the math and you will clearly see that 85 million years ago it was orbiting the earth at a distance of about 35 feet from the earth's surface. This would explain the death of the dinosours; the tallest ones, anyway.
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