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Unread 12-04-2009, 10:50 PM   #31
Be happy
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dogfood View Post
a man walks into a fishmonger's carrying a salmon under his arm.
do you make fishcakes? he asks.
of course says the fishmonger
oh good says the man, its his birthday
Why did I instinctively read this in a British accent?

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Unread 12-05-2009, 04:49 AM   #32
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how can you tell if you receive a letter from a leper?

the tongue is still in the envelope.
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Unread 12-05-2009, 09:03 PM   #33
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why did the baker have smelly hands ...he kneaded a poo
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Unread 01-28-2010, 01:00 AM   #34
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i just got skylights put in at my place. the people who live above me are furious.
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Unread 01-31-2010, 10:29 PM   #35
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A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says,

"A beer please, .... and one for the road."
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What's it like to be kissed by a vampire?

It's a pain in the neck.
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A little Indian boy asked the Chief one day, "Great Chief, how do Indians come up with names for their children?"

"Well my son," exclaims the wise Chief, "when the Brave and Squaw enter the wigwam for child birth, as soon as the child is born, the Brave exits the wigwam, and the first thing he see's, that is the name the child is given. Names like 'Running Doe' and 'Full Moon Rising.'

Then the Great Chief asks, "Tell me Pi$$ing Dog, why do you ask?"
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I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."
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What is the worst thing that can happen to a bat?
To get a diarrhea
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Unread 04-07-2010, 10:18 PM   #36
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i intend to live forever, so far so good


Guy walks into a bar, and sees a giraffe on the floor.
He goes up to the bar and calls the bartender over.
"Hey, why's that lying there?"
Bartender goes:
"It's not a lion, it's a giraffe."
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Unread 04-10-2010, 02:19 AM   #37
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a hunter is stalking through the jungle when he finds a ravishing young woman lying naked on a blanket. after staring at her breathlessly for a second, he asks, "are you game?" " i sure am," replies the girl. so he shoots her.
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Unread 04-20-2010, 09:17 PM   #38
crazy guy with a guitar
 
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That's terrible...
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Unread 05-27-2010, 12:11 AM   #39
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Roberto is an art connoisseur and one day notices a mangy little kitten lapping up milk from a saucer in front of a delicatessen in Tel Aviv. He quickly realises with a shock that the saucer was a very rare and precious piece of pottery. He strolled into the store and offered £2 for the cat.
"It's not for sale," said Abe, the proprietor.
"Look," said Roberto, "that cat is dirty and undesirable, but I'm eccentric. I like cats that way. I'll raise my offer to £10."
"It's a deal," said Abe, and pocketed the money.
"For that sum I'm sure you won't mind throwing in the saucer," said Roberto. "The kitten seems so happy drinking from it."
"Nothing doing," said Abe firmly. "That's my lucky saucer. From that saucer, so far this week, I've sold 34 cats."
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Unread 06-29-2010, 01:04 AM   #40
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My girlfriend came home from work in tears and asked me to console her. So I hit her over the head with my X-Box.
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Unread 06-29-2010, 01:23 AM   #41
[Clever Words Here]
 
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Hahaha! These are great! Love it! Keep it up!
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Unread 06-29-2010, 06:52 PM   #42
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This blonde female officer pulled over a speeding car driven by a blonde woman. The officer walked up to the window and asked for her license.

The driver asked "What does it look like?"

The officer answered, "It's that hard thing with your picture on it."

The woman dug around in her purse for 10 minutes and found her compac, she opened it, looked and handed it to the officer. The officer took it and looked. "Mam, why didn't you tell me you were a officer, it would have saved us both alot of trouble"
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Unread 07-20-2010, 05:14 AM   #43
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Two men met each other on the beach at Majorca.
One looked at the other and asked, 'Are you brown from the sun?'
'No,' replied the other, 'I'm Smith from The Times.'
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Unread 07-26-2010, 08:30 PM   #44
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A woman went to see a psychiatrist and complained, "Doctor, my husband thinks he's a magician." "What's so bad about that?" the shrink asked. "We're being sued. A week ago my husband shoved a girl into a trunk and sawed it in half." "The girl's family is suing you?" the psychiatrist asked. "No, the circus," the woman replied. "The elephant bled to death."
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Unread 08-02-2010, 11:45 PM   #45
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