For Everybody [RC]

sunsurfer · 08-15-2009, 08:30 PM

I could really use some cold, hard critique for this song. I had some great ideas flowing from it but I'm not very comfortable with it at all, and I'm really determined to make this a good one.

For Everybody

(vI)
Everyone has an opinion
Because nobody knows
And I'll bash you down
Like we humans tend to do
Do you really think your human brain
Is big enough
To wrap around the universe as if
You created it
You don't know

(ch)
Beneath the surface
Beneath the differences
Our hearts all beat the same
Everyone
Wants to belong
With the very ones that they've turned away

[We all get mad
We all get sick
We use eachother
And we use ourselves
We all wear masks
And we all steal
And we've been stolen from as well]

(vII)
Nobody doesn't want to know what it's like
To fall into the sky
Instead the passing cars splash you in the face
Just trying to get by
We want to be alive

(br)
There are some things we never learn
As we sing our doubts away
We want a life beyond this world
We want a love that isn't fake
A love that doesn't change

**tmlfan123** · 08-16-2009, 02:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sunsurfer

For Everybody

(vI)
Everyone has an opinion
Because nobody knows
And I'll bash you down
Like we humans tend to do
Do you really think your human brain
Is big enough
To wrap around the universe as if
You created it
You don't know

I'm uncomfortable with "bash you down". I would say "break" or something else instead of bash if you need the same number of syllables. I like the first two lines a lot, which is always key for any song.

Quote:

Originally Posted by sunsurfer

(ch)
Beneath the surface
Beneath the differences
Our hearts all beat the same
Everyone
Wants to belong
With the very ones that they've turned away

[We all get mad
We all get sick
We use eachother
And we use ourselves
We all wear masks
And we all steal
And we've been stolen from as well]

I'm left wanting a little more kick here. Everything is solid, but there's no line leaping off the page here. However, that's always the hardest part to come up with. Still, I'm seeing the flow and it'll make good music.

Quote:

Originally Posted by sunsurfer

(vII)
Nobody doesn't want to know what it's like
To fall into the sky
Instead the passing cars splash you in the face
Just trying to get by
We want to be alive

Double negative...

it may just be too much thinking for the average listener. I actually love this verse though.

Quote:

Originally Posted by sunsurfer

(br)
There are some things we never learn
As we sing our doubts away
We want a life beyond this world
We want a love that isn't fake
A love that doesn't change

Excellent. No complaints here.

Overall, I like it a lot. My biggest thing would be that the verses and bridge seem to be stronger lyrically than the chorus, which isn't terribly huge. I just like songs with great chorus lines, almost regardless of the verses. Maybe I'm overthinking this one, but you asked for my cold hard critique

sunsurfer · 08-16-2009, 09:32 PM

That's perfect! Thanks so much, it helps a LOT.

I'll work on it and post a better version soon=]

6strings21frets · 08-17-2009, 01:28 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by tmlfan123

Quote:

Originally Posted by sunsurfer

(vII)
Nobody doesn't want to know what it's like
To fall into the sky
Instead the passing cars splash you in the face
Just trying to get by
We want to be alive

Double negative...

it may just be too much thinking for the average listener. I actually love this verse though.

To fix this, I'd try changing "Nobody doesn't want" to "Everybody wants".

sunsurfer · 08-17-2009, 10:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 6strings21frets

To fix this, I'd try changing "Nobody doesn't want" to "Everybody wants".

Sorry, I'm keeping that one.

6strings21frets · 08-18-2009, 03:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sunsurfer

Sorry, I'm keeping that one.

That's fine with me. Like I said:

Quote:

Originally Posted by 6Strings21Frets

I'd try changing "Nobody doesn't want" to "Everybody wants".

**tmlfan123** · 08-18-2009, 02:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sunsurfer

That's perfect! Thanks so much, it helps a LOT.

Glad to help. I figure if I want someone to comment on mine, I have to comment on other people's as well

**The wirerat** · 08-21-2009, 06:50 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sunsurfer

With the very ones that they've turned away

I would take away the that, and this line would be perfect

sunsurfer · 08-21-2009, 04:49 PM

Okay, I'm still not quite finished (still need some more lines for the chorus), but I figured I've kept you guys waiting long enough, so here's what I've got so far.

(v1)
Everyone has an opinion
Cause nobody knows
Stop the battle now
And remember where we're from
Do you really think the human brain
Is big enough
To wrap around the universe as if
You created it
You don't know

(ch1)
Deep in the surface
We're drawing differences
From the very same place
When you get broken
Pull back the dead skin
And see our hearts all beat the same
[Chorus 2 goes here]

(v2)
Nobody doesn't want to know what it's like
To fall into the sky
Instead the passing cars splash you in the face
Just trying to get by
We want to be alive

(br)
Adjourn the search and waste some air
While you sing your doubts away
I want a life beyond this earth
I want a love that doesn't phase
A love that doesn't change

Any better?

**tmlfan123** · 08-21-2009, 09:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sunsurfer

Any better?

I like it.