[DaGeek]

I've always grown up with the mentality of "Don't date unless it's to look for a partner for marriage," and that's unlikely to ever change. Why waste time unless you think you could marry the person? So, with that said, I've been having a few questions both about marriage and about talking to the other person about marriage, whenever that might come up.


1. Marriage. I know movies like to make it seem like it's romantic all the time, there are goosebumps every time you see the person, little butterflies attack whenever you talk to them, etc. How much of this is real (because I know not all of it is)? Honestly, what's a real and reasonable expectation of marriage? Would it be correct to assume that married couples don't always want to spend every waking moment with or talking to their spouses?

2. Talking about marriage. Does it make sense to talk with someone you're considering dating (not just casual dating) about marriage early on in the relationship? If so, what expectations should you have/attempt to have? If not, why not, and when?

3. How much should "feelings" have a say in marriage/looking for your partner? That feeling you have when you have a crush --- should it be ever-present while you're getting to know the other? Should you break it off if you don't enjoy doing everything they like doing? What is this whole process really like?


EDIT: You know, I don't think I should ask to limit it to that. If you're married/engaged, I'd love your thoughts, but I don't want to limit it to just you guys, because I know we single people can sometimes have a lot of good things to say.

[OiBoyz]

2. Talking about marriage. Does it make sense to talk with someone you're considering dating (not just casual dating) about marriage early on in the relationship? If so, what expectations should you have/attempt to have? If not, why not, and when?

I don't know about talking about Marriage per se, but if I'm going to be dating a guy, some version of this conversation is going to have to come up, and fairly early. Because he's going to have to know that I'm not going to have sex with him and he's going to need to know why.

Of course most of that is negated if you're thinking of dating someone that you know already, as opposed to a relative stranger. If it's someone you already know, then they should have a fair idea of what your values and faith are, and vice versa.

[Epaphras]

Originally Posted by DaGeek

1. Marriage. I know movies like to make it seem like it's romantic all the time, there are goosebumps every time you see the person, little butterflies attack whenever you talk to them, etc. How much of this is real (because I know not all of it is)? Honestly, what's a real and reasonable expectation of marriage? Would it be correct to assume that married couples don't always want to spend every waking moment with or talking to their spouses?

I'm sure the space issue depends on the personality. If you are a generally independent/introverted/quiet person before marriage, and marry a social butterfly, you'll probably feel like telling them to just go away sometimes. I was faced with that decision but honestly she has drawn me out of my shell and so I'm grateful for that.

Things she does will annoy you, but I think a sign of a good relationship is that you are able to take it in stride and have it become endearing after a while. My wife likes to sniff her pillow (but it has to be cold!), I have no idea why. It's weird but very cute at the same time. Might drive someone else crazy. I'm sure she has a long list of things I do that annoy/disgust her too.

There is a difference between infatuation and affection, or love. You can get a physical thrill from seeing a stripper take her clothes off, but that's not affection or love. You can get butterflies from flirting with a cute girl, but that's just infatuation, not love. There is no such thing as love at first sight: that is an insult to love. Love grows over time and is not bound by outward appearances (thus it cannot be contained simply in viewing someone i.e. love at first sight).

2. Talking about marriage. Does it make sense to talk with someone you're considering dating (not just casual dating) about marriage early on in the relationship? If so, what expectations should you have/attempt to have? If not, why not, and when?

I think it's a balancing act between weighing what they are wanting out of the relationship or in life, and signing the marriage certificate years in advance lol. I think (in the beginning) avoiding language like, "When we get married..." or otherwise referring to "marriage" (in the future in general) as your marriage together, is a good way to go.

In our case, we started talking about marriage only after I verbally committed to our relationship on a deeper level than even dating. After 1.5 years I gave her a promise ring and told her I intended for us to prayerfully explore the possibility of replacing that ring with an engagement ring in the near future. I think that kind of commitment is a safe (and fun!) place to explore marriage together.

But yeah, if you're just dating I think talking about marriage in general is fine, just don't get married in your hearts in the process (before you're ready). This takes maturity and thus is not recommended for really young couples (like high school).

3. How much should "feelings" have a say in marriage/looking for your partner? That feeling you have when you have a crush --- should it be ever-present while you're getting to know the other? Should you break it off if you don't enjoy doing everything they like doing? What is this whole process really like?

Feelings come and go, honestly. I don't get the same butterflies I did when I first met her, our first kiss, etc. but other things she does bring back similar feelings, or new ones. I love finding myself utterly amazed at something she says or does.

You should not break it off if you don't enjoy doing everything they like doing. You should work from your strengths, so spend time doing things you like together, while being a joyful and supportive partner in what she likes to do (and vice-versa). You may come to enjoy it, you may not. I will never come to enjoy knitting, and she will never come to enjoy other things I enjoy, but that doesn't mean we can't enjoy each others' company. I sit through chick flicks, she sits through war movies, but we try to also make sure we see movies we'll both enjoy. She'll sit and knit while I blast away my friends on Call of Duty 4 on the couch next to her. But we also have activities we enjoy together.