[roscoestring]

On July 14, 2007 my 18 year old daughter had gone to the movie with her boyfriend. They went in her car with her boyfriend driving. His name is Shannon. They stopped to get something to eat before coming home. She was going to spend the night on a Saturday night at Shannon's mother's house so that she could attend church with Shannon and his family on Sunday.

About a mile from their house they turned into the path of an oncoming car which struck the passenger side of the car where Amy was sitting. Both cars were demolished. A witness told us that she held Amy's hand as the life drained out of her. The last thing that Amy asked was for help from the wreckage. They could not get her out. The car was wrapped around her feet and legs.

It has been two years and the anniversary is coming up on Tuesday. . Amy was our baby. I have two sons also.

The driver of the other car was intoxicated, as were her two passengers. All were women in their 20's. I do not blame anyone for the accident. Not the other driver, and not Shannon. It was simply an accident.

Here's my problem. I can not stop thinking of Amy. Every time I see a mother holding her daughter, or someone wearing glasses the style that Amy wore, or hear certain songs, see someone playing mandolin, or walk through Wal-Mart. Anything that I do, see, hear, or feel makes me think of Amy. I feel consumed with it. I thought that over time I would gradually get over the pain. Not. It hurts just as badly today as it did the night she died.

It was a hot summer night in Georgia just like the nights are now. I have not slept since 2007. I work long hours in an effort to keep busy. I visit these forums to try and help take my mind away for a while. Still, I come back to my same thoughts. It just doesn't end.

I have lived my entire life as a Christian. My father is a minister (although it was my mother that taught me about God). I know that Christians help Christians. What should I do? What would you do.

Talking does seem to help. Thanks for listening.

[AlphaSigma]

I had never done counseling until this past fall and I was struggling with repetitive thoughts, I didn't think it would help, but it did. Quite a bit actually. Have you thought of counseling?

[Ring of a bell]

First off I want to say that I am so sorry to hear the extreme pain that you have experienced. My heart hurts for yours.

To be honest I don't know you at all, so I am in no place to give insight into your life, and I am too young to really give advice to you. But I do want you to know that you have a brother in Washington state who hurts for you and grieves for you.

Experiencing great loss in life is something that we can't recover from on our own, and no "Christian words" can help. The only thing I can say is we all need to abide in Christ, not some fluffy floaty faith in him, but to grasp on to His word in the depths of our despair. In Psalm 23, The Lord's Prayer, in the Valley of the Shadow of death, YHWH is not talked about, He is talked TO. "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil for YOU are with me." We need to Talk to Jesus and take hold of His Word. He isn't a pain medicine for hurts, but He does want to heal us and continue to bring us into a perfect relationship with Him.

I will pray for you.

[gg7]

I'm really sorry to hear of your loss. My heart goes out to you. I can't even imagine what it must be like to have lost a child. This makes me think of my Grandmother. She lost a son tragically, many years ago. When he is mentioned, she still gets tears in her eyes. I don't think it's something that you "get over" as much as it's just something you learn to live with.

I'm also wondering if you've tried any kind of counseling...maybe with a pastor, or some other professional. It really could be helpful, and a positive move for you in learning how to live with this.

You did pose the question "What would you do?". My answer looks like this:

The main thing that comforts me personally, after losing someone who I know went to be with God, is just remembering how short life on Earth really is compared to the eternity we'll have in Heaven. That helps put things in perspective for me.

There is also a question, that I ask myself in a time of loss and after: What would the person who has gone on want for us? In some way, that helps me to honor their memory if I'm thinking about and trying to in some small way even carry on with the good things that I learned from them or that they were involved with.

I would definitely read the book of Job. I know that book is very, very important to me. It has been in the past, and still is. I would talk to God a lot, knowing that He can handle our questions, our grief, our anger, our hurt. Just like Job did in chapter 38, I always end up being humbled by a God I can't even begin to understand yet still trust.

Music is a big part of my life, and I'd listen to songs that I find comforting, such as Hold Me Jesus and especially Bound To Come Some Trouble by Rich Mullins. In my browser, the player loads in an odd place where I have to scroll down, it's on the right...but the whole track is there.

Cling to God. I pray you find peace.

[roscoestring]

I haven't seen a professional counseler. I have talked to many people in the church. From chruch elders to the pastors to just close friends. I've even talked to people who have been through similar experiences. Still I have this big hole in my soul that takes nearly all of my soul. I feel that I'm going out into the world every day with no direction to follow. I just sort of shuffle my feet along and where ever they take me that day is where I go.

Amy was taken to church before she was a week old. She was raised in the church. She was 100% Christian. She was a very gifted musician. More importantly she was a friend to everyone. The procession of cars at her funeral, I'm told, was well over 3 miles long.

I had braced myself for an event like this with my oldest son. I never even considered that Amy would be the one.

I don't know how to talk to Amy's mother about this and I think that she feels the same way.

I am holding on to the only thing that I trust right now - my faith in God. That has gotten me this far.

I played Amy's guitar today. I also played her mandolin. I can't make them sound like she could. The last picture that was ever taken of her was at a reunion where she was playing mandolin, I was playing guitar, and her mother and we were singing. I made a poster sized copy of the picture and framed it and hung over the mantle today also. When her mother gets home from work she will see it. I did this for her for our wedding anniversary which is the day before the anniversary of Amy's death. We haven't celebrated our anniversary for the past couple of years. We haven't even made mention of it. It seems so unimportant now.

I pray that no other parent ever has to go through this. I could never have understood the pain if someone had told me about it before hand. I can't tell you now.

Shannon had bought an engagement ring for Amy the day she died and had planned to present it the following day. He never got to. He placed the ring on her finger as she lay in her casket.

Thanks to all that have responded.

If you have children you should go give them a hug every day. If you have parents, you should do the same thing. You can never do it enough.

[OiBoyz]

I'm so sorry for your loss. Not only of your daughter, but of the future you had expected to have with her in it. You're grieving the loss of all of that. I wouldn't pretend to give you advice, but two things stood out to me from your post:

You don't know how to talk to her mother (your wife) about it, and you haven't celebrated your anniversary since it happened. Maybe it's time to do both? I've never been married, but it seems like the woman you made your precious daughter with is the one you can most share the pain and the celebration of her life with. Don't shut her out. I'm sure she needs you too.

I'll be praying for your family.

[roscoestring]

No, I'm not shutting her out. I think that she struggles just as much as I do though. Celebrations have very little meaning anymore.

My avatar is Amy (on left) and her mother. This picture was taken at the same time her graduation pictures were taken. The night she died the nurse in the ER gave me her earrings and class ring. I still carry her ring on my key ring. She was accepted into college. We received the letter after she died. She wanted to become a speech therapist or something in the medical field.

[OiBoyz]

She's beautiful.

[roscoestring]

Thanks Boyz. She was beautiful. I'm not just saying that out of bias.

Her favorite color was green. You'd never know because she would wear pink so much. About 3/4 or all the pictures we have of her have pink in them. I wear her pink Georgia Bulldogs baseball cap with the gold fish hook on the brim every day now. Grown men laugh at me for wearing a pink cap. I just smile at them. I have never been the macho type, but if I had this would have surely brought me back down and put my feet back on the ground.

I miss her so much. I appreciate you're talking to me. It's nice to hear a woman's view on things. And too, you seem like a really nice person with your head scwrewed on straight.

[beanbag]

I am so sorry for your loss. I, like AlphaSigma, encourage you to try going to a Christian grief counselor, and I encourage you to go together with your wife. I do not have children, but the thought of losing my parents scares me to death. I can only imagine how you feel.

like others have said, I don't think that death is something you just move past. one of my professors said that the reason we hate death so much is that it IS unnatural. we were created for eternal life, and death is something strange that we must experience because of our fallen state. there is great joy in knowing that your daughter is with the Lord right now, though. as painful as this time must be for you, I want to urge you to focus on the knowledge that you will see her again and you will spend eternity with her in the presence of God.

again, I am so sorry for your loss, and I think that speaking with a Christian grief counselor might be very helpful in helping you and your wife develop some kind of way to cope. when we lose a loved one, there is always a part of us that grieves and aches, and I think it is wrong to stifle it. however, I do want to caution you not to become so immersed in your grief that you push away your sons, and/or that you become embittered. remember the joy and happiness that your daughter exuded, and remember that she would not want you to come to a standstill or become bitter. she sounds like a fantastic person, and I am sure that she would be the first to remind you that your separation is brief, and is certainly not the end. I think she would want you to smile, and I think she would want you to celebrate life. I don't know her, but from the way you describe her, she sounds like she loves the Lord and loves life, and I think she would want the same for you.

my prayers are with you and your family.

[MtlMom]

I've been trying to respond to this since yesterday, but I just can't seem to find the words. You have lived through a parent's worst nightmare, and my heart aches for you and your wife.

Please, please talk to your wife. The two of you are suffering separately, and you need to be sharing your grief. You raised that beautiful little girl together, and you need to cling to each other and to your faith to get through this.

I'll be praying for you.

[roscoestring]

Thanks Mom. I can use all the prayers I can get.
I don't want to imply that my wife and I are not talking to each other or anything like that. We just seem to avoid talking about this. We both know how the other feels, I think. And we have talked a little, but still we just seem more comfortable avoiding the subject right now. I guess it is easier for me to talk to someone that I've never seen, on a forum board, than someone I see every day. My dad is a minister. I've talked to him a little. He can relate in that my little brother died when he was 14 in a freak accident. He knows the feeling. My thing is that I think of Amy constantly. My passwords on my computer involve Amy. That makes me think of her. A guy that I work with has a car exactly like Amy's (except for color). That makes me think of her. I can see a water hose laying in a yard while I'm riding down the road and I think of Amy. Point is that everything makes me think of her. It has been 2 years and still I cry everyday at some point from thinking of her.

I went to the church yesterday that Amy was a member of. I saw all of her old friends. This is the church that Amy was raised in. We took her there when she was only a few days old. She seldom missed a Sunday. She would go when her mother and I didn't. I sat there by myself (my wife had to work) and cried while thinking of all the times she was there and all the things that we did together there. It's not really bad feelings. I just miss her. She was my baby. I feel like I failed her. I was unable to protect her.

[OiBoyz]

She was my baby. I feel like I failed her. I was unable to protect her.

But she's ok. She's happy and you will see here again. Those aren't just words we say, it's the Truth. She's safe and happy and with our Lord. He is her protector. And she's never been out of His hands. I haven't spoken of her in the past tense, because she's not gone. You just can't see her now.

[BillSPrestonEsq]

And another point, I want to add is this. Would you want to stop remembering? As painful as it is, she was your daughter, and a huge part of your life. The memories are going to be there. The reminders will be there.

I would as well echo seeing a counselor with your wife, but really, it makes sense that things remind you of your daughter to me. Maybe, if you remember why those things remind you of Amy, rather than her death it would help. To remember the good times as well as the tragedy.

I will pray for you and pray that you and your wife will find rest and peace. Some things in this world just make no sense, and there are things we cannot prevent.

One thing I do pick up in your post is a dichotomy. That it was an unpreventable accident, and yet, you somehow take responsibility for not protecting her. My guess, and only a guess, is that as a father you feel some form of survivor's guilt, of a sort. Also, anniversarys of events are hard. They bring everything back. The sights and smells are similar, the weather is similar, and the world looks, feels, sounds, smells, etc the same, but it will never be quite the same.

I don't know. Part of me wants to say that there is healing or something to that effect, but the fact is, you suffered an astronomical loss, and it would be minimizing of your love for your daughter to suggest that healing should be quick, or complete. Just, just know I am praying for you, and I wish there was more I could do.

[roscoestring]

You're right Bill. I don't want to stop remembering. I remember only good times mostly. It is hard to forget that night though. I remember her as a baby, and her first dress, first tooth, the time she gave herself a haircut, sitting in the porch swing talking on the phone. So many memories. If I run out of memories then I just go look at some of her stuff. After remembering the good times, I always feel the pains of not being able to make more good memories.

My 30th wedding anniversary arrived today. We were married on Friday the 13th. I figured that was a bad sign. But it has lasted. We both married when we were 17. I was in my first year of college but quit to get married and start a family. My wife (Goat I call her) was just finishing high school. It has been many years since those disco days. Goat saw her picture that I framed for her. She was happy. All of our kids are grown and we live alone now. So we had some cabbage and corned beef for supper and now I guess we'll watch tv for a while. Some celebration huh?

Talking to you guys about Amy is helping me a lot. I appreciate everyone that is helping me through this. I can see who will make the best friends.

Bless you all.