[S.B.Nichols]

OK, this is me being pretty open, and I hope this is the correct place for this.

Has anyone dealt with fertility treatments? My wife and I have been trying for nearly 4 years now. Yesterday, after months of tests, examinations, and consultations, our doctor finally gave us our options. One is roughly $3K, and would give us a nearly 25% chance of conception, the other is roughly $12k, and would give us a nearly 65% chance. These seem like two no win scenarios for us. 25% doesn't seem that high, and 12 thousand dollars seems too high.

Three grand would put a significant dent in our savings...for a 25% chance...and we would basically only get one shot. Twelve grand would need to be borrowed (which we probably could), for a little better than a 50/50 chance... On the other hand, if we could borrow 12 grand, we could also adopt, which is something we've always wanted to do, but we'd like to have a few naturally first.....and then there's the problem that you've just borrowed 12 thousand dollars from a family member.

It seems like whichever way we go, we aren't being good stewards of our money, but to do nothing means...well, we give up, which seems just as bad, if not worse.

Any advice? Encouragement? Funny stories about puppies?

[redbaron]

If you guys are already out of debt, I'd suggest staying that way, even if it delays your plans a bit, since money issues are always stressful and that's never fun.

Having not been there as a parent (or trying ) I can't imagine how difficult it is. I think the hardest choice is do you take a 65% chance that you'll be successful, or spend the same money and adopt for a 100% chance.

I'll definitely keep you in my prayers as far as making the choice goes.

[S.B.Nichols]

Originally Posted by redbaron

I think the hardest choice is do you take a 65% chance that you'll be successful, or spend the same money and adopt for a 100% chance.

The thing about adoption is that there isn't a 100% chance, unless you already know a mother/pregnant women who is willing to do an open adoption with you. If you go through the state or an agency, you pay your money and then you sit and wait for someone to pick you. That's at least with domestic adoptions, not sure about international.

[rock_show_host]

Not being at a stage in life where I've had to face any of these issues, I know very little about them, but I'm so sorry you're going through such a struggle.

Just to clarify -- even though adoption isn't a 100% chance and would mean going into debt, are there any reasons why adopting before having your own children would be an ill-advised idea?

[S.B.Nichols]

Not particularly...though, statistically, the older you get, the less chance a women has of conceiving (even with fertility treatments). So that 25% or 65% chance starts falling off...

[rock_show_host]

Originally Posted by S.B.Nichols

Not particularly...though, statistically, the older you get, the less chance a women has of conceiving (even with fertility treatments). So that 25% or 65% chance starts falling off...

Ah...I wasn't even thinking about that.

I wish I had advice, but being unmarried I'd be speaking out of turn. I'll pray for you, though, and I hope you're able to work something out.

[Jonular]

Originally Posted by S.B.Nichols

That's at least with domestic adoptions, not sure about international.

When we adopted my sister from Japan, we waited until a baby was available for adoption and our connection to an adoption agency heard about it. Japan, however, is ridiculously hard to adopt from, and would have been impossible had we not been living in Japan at the time. But with so many babies in orphanages in China, I'd be surprised you have to wait to be "picked", but I could be surprised!

[MtlMom]

You are in such a difficult situation. I'm so sorry that you are having to face these decisions. I really have no advice, it is such a personal decision for you and your wife, but I want you to know that I'm praying for you both.

[Epaphras]

Can't speak directly to the infertility issue except to echo what was said about adoption being the same or slightly-higher chance as the $12K fertility treatment. I know nothing is 100% but I don't believe adoption costs you much of anything until it comes time to actually make the choice...a fertility treatment at the same amount of money could be for naught. Basically unless they don't charge you for the treatment unless you get pregnant, pound-for-pound the adoption is a better use of the money.

How long will it take you to save up $12,000? If it's a reasonable amount of time (like a year) I'd explore the adoption options while saving up. In a year you can evaluate whether-or-not you'd like to adopt or go ahead with the treatment. By then there may be other treatment options, and also you'll have a lot more research and experience with the adoption world. Bottom line: considering you don't have the money now I would not suggest doing anything yet.

As a side note...don't borrow money from relatives. It's not a good idea. If they want to help, then they should give you the money without an expectation of repayment: a grandchild should be repayment enough!

[S.B.Nichols]

Originally Posted by Epaphras

Can't speak directly to the infertility issue except to echo what was said about adoption being the same or slightly-higher chance as the $12K fertility treatment. I know nothing is 100% but I don't believe adoption costs you much of anything until it comes time to actually make the choice...a fertility treatment at the same amount of money could be for naught. Basically unless they don't charge you for the treatment unless you get pregnant, pound-for-pound the adoption is a better use of the money.

How long will it take you to save up $12,000? If it's a reasonable amount of time (like a year) I'd explore the adoption options while saving up. In a year you can evaluate whether-or-not you'd like to adopt or go ahead with the treatment. By then there may be other treatment options, and also you'll have a lot more research and experience with the adoption world. Bottom line: considering you don't have the money now I would not suggest doing anything yet.

As a side note...don't borrow money from relatives. It's not a good idea. If they want to help, then they should give you the money without an expectation of repayment: a grandchild should be repayment enough!

For domestic adoptions through an agency (from our research), you typically pay most costs upfront, then they start...um...for lack of a better word...'pimping' you out to pregnant women who they've contracted with. There is no guarantee that you'll get a child, and even if you get picked, the mother can pull out anytime she wants, in some states up to a few weeks after birth. Some friends of ours started the process two years ago: husband makes good money as a lawyer, they have a huge house in a great school district, etc...they're still waiting to get picked. Actually, they got picked once...triplets. They went to pick them up (out of state)...spent two weeks with the babies, then the mother said she wanted them back. Nasty stuff.

We could do foster-to-adopt in the state of texas (my wife is a social worker). You basically get licensed to foster, then wait for an adoptable child to get placed with you. And, it's far cheaper...as low as 15 hundred. But, it's a much longer process. Some people have been on the list for years.

We're not against adoption at all, we just don't see it as a much better choice than either of the procedures our doctor is wanting us to do.

[Nate]

How about fostering / adopting a slightly older child?

[S.B.Nichols]

That was something we always considered later on in life. The adopt-ability of a child in the foster system decreases to practically nil after the age of 6, I think. There are some downsides to it...many times, older children in the foster system have medical, mental, or legal issues attached. (not always, I don't want to get myself in trouble here...I'm just going off what my wife, the state social worker, tells me). The upside is that the wait list is much shorter, the state could comp the adoption fees, the child gets medicaid until they turn 18, and will get to go to a state college for free.

But....I mean, I don't want to sound selfish, but we sorta want a baby.

[Epaphras]

Originally Posted by S.B.Nichols

We could do foster-to-adopt in the state of texas (my wife is a social worker). You basically get licensed to foster, then wait for an adoptable child to get placed with you. And, it's far cheaper...as low as 15 hundred. But, it's a much longer process. Some people have been on the list for years.

If I were in your shoes, I would get licensed to foster, keep praying (and trying ) for a biological child, save up some money to adopt or perform a procedure in a year, and God will either provide you with a baby of your own or a foster-to-adopt child. I know you must feel like your biological clock is ticking (I think both sexes have one) but one year is not a lot in the big picture, and you will be in a much better position by then.

I really believe God opens and closes the womb (but balanced with the stewardship mentality - I'm no Quiverfull person) and I've been around several cases where the seemingly-infertile couple adopts or fosters and wham-o she gets pregnant not soon after. You must be sick of hearing it, but God will provide: either with a beautiful foster-baby for you to adopt or care for for a season, or with your own child. I'm sure your wife knows, there is an endless supply of children in the system needing a loving, supportive home. One guy I know from my wife's home church is a social worker and has adopted 5 children on top of two biological, and 2 foster children (they are working on adopting).

[BillSPrestonEsq]

Well... I wish there was more to say that would help. I mean, I have heard reasons from those who adopted older kids that really align with what your wife, the social worker, says. In short, I think you guys are on the right course there. Personally, 25% does not seem like a good set of odds to me, but it might be worth trying. And just to point out, it looks like my wife and I are in kind of a similar boat.

But really, ultimately, I hate to be so crass, but if you really want a baby naturally, and have an urge that way, I would try the 12k procedure if need be, so you don't always wonder what could have been. (what are the odds on trying the 3k procedure 4xs? I am not a dufus who thinks that 4xs 25% would sum to a hundred percent, but do the odds improve or decrease with trys?)

And I dare say, borrowing a reasonable amount of money that could easily be paid back in a reasonable time frame would be wise to do it now as odds get worse one year at a time. Its so easy to put things off one year or day at a time until they are impossible. If you can work out a viable budget, that is what I think I would do with what you are describing and the way you are describing what you both want.

My wife and I are working on upping our odds other ways and waiting for FDA approval on a drug that is 3 years into the approval process, because, well, it looks to be our only real shot. Failing that, we will adopt. And if nothing else I will be praying for you and your wife.

[Ax]

My cousin was told she would never have children. Se believed that for nearly 20 years. Now she has two. Miracles do happen man and of course you do have my prayer.