I am a member of these forums, and I think I'm pretty well known, but I'd prefer to remain anonymous for this posting for two reasons. One being I don't want her to stumble upon it and get the wrong impression when I haven't made up my mind yet, and the other being I don't want certain aspects of my life that I am going to reveal here being publicly known and tied to me by this community. I do consider myself to be a Christian, though I do engage in some practices that tend to be frowned upon by the church, the most relevant to this situation being my sex life, which will be discussed, though not in very much detail. I'd appreciate any negative comments towards my choices in life be left out of this thread. Some other details that may be pertinent would be the fact that I am a musician seeking to perform and tour as a career, and that I am an avid PC and old school console gamer.

Lets start with the basics. We're about to hit our seven month anniversary. This is the most serious relationship I've been in. This is technically a long distance relationship, as we do live about an hour and a half apart. We see each other weekly. When I was more poor, she came to see me most of the time, but now that I'm a little bit better off we switch off, though she still pays for most of everything. I try to pay for her when I can, or at the very least for myself (unless she forces me to let her pay for me, which happens), but as I've been out of work and unable to land myself a new job due to the job market in my area being non-existent, she helps me out a lot. She likes to bring me random presents, such as toilet paper (she does use most of mine, though, anyway), toothpaste, deodorant, shampoo, etc. Generally stuff that I need but can't really afford to go out and buy in place of food a lot of the time. She is a very caring person, and I really have no idea why she's had such bad luck with men in the past.

Now for more positives. We do have a healthy sex life. I find her mostly physically attractive. She does have a few issues with a skin condition she had been battling since before we met, but I can look past that since it isn't permanent. We have mostly similar tastes in music; I can look past the fact that she doesn't like certain songs that I consider to be among the top 10 greatest songs every written.

Now for the negatives. We've discussed moving in together and marriage, though that has gone down considerably to the point where we both know we're not ready for either of those things. Those most recent conversations gave me the impression that she was having doubts about me, and the fact that they switched to that after being so sure about me supports that theory at least partially. She seems a bit needy sometimes. I tell her sometimes that I don't need her to call me every day, or that I don't want to run out of things to talk about, but she still calls or gets sad if I don't call her sometimes. She is very used to relationships that are not long distance, so the fact that she can't see me every day is hard on her. She gets disappointed when I'm in the middle of something with friends and can't talk to her at the moment. I used to be all lovey-dovey myself. Now I need my space sometimes. She seems jealous sometimes of my band. She knows that as a musician with the need to create, I can't live without my method of creative expression, but even though I'm happy with her, I'd eventually be fine without her, and if I was forced to pick between the two, I'd have to choose music. Before you go knocking this attitude, most of those musicians that you love that tour all the time, Christian or not, have that same attitude. She also doesn't know how to take my sense of humor sometimes. I have both a self-deprecating and sarcastic sense of humor, with a splash of complete randomness. She doesn't always get it and sometimes gets upset by my jokes, even when they aren't jokes pointed at her.

She is also horrible at video games. This probably shouldn't be a deciding factor, but I play a LOT of games and would very much like to be able to play some with her, but she can't even figure out Super Mario Brothers no matter how many times I explain it (how hard is it to hold B to run and roll your thumb over to A to jump while continuing to hold B?). She won't play guitar with me because even though she's been playing longer than me, I'm "so much better than her that she feels intimidated." No matter how much I tell her that the best way to improve is to play with other people no matter their skill level, or that I'd really love to be able to make music with her because it would make me very happy, she won't do it. Those being my two favorite things to do, it really leaves us with very generic things to do together. We have the option of sitting on the couch watching TV or a movie (not always what I want to do), playing a board game (I do enjoy board games, but not all the time, and she can't figure out all the ones that I particularly enjoy), or having sex, which we sometimes end up doing three or four times a day when we're visiting each other for lack of anything better to do.

I have been feeling lately as though not only have we been drifting apart, but that we don't have enough in common to really have a lasting relationship. I also have the feeling that when I do start touring, she won't be able to handle the added distance and the inability to see each other until the tour was over. We're both under a lot of stress lately due to money, and its putting a strain on our relationship because it does affect our ability to see each other.

I do love her, but I don't know if I love her as a potential mate more than I love her as a friend. I would very much value her friendship if we were just friends. She's a sweet girl who is fun to talk to and hang out with. I'm just starting to think that we're both looking for something different and keep telling ourselves that things will get better because we can't tell if we're really looking for something different or if its just stress getting in the way.

Can anyone help me sort out my thoughts? Am I falling out of love with her? Should we break up and just be friends so we can both move on and find what we're looking for? It seems pretty clear to me that that is what should be done after typing this, but I don't want to make a hasty decision. It might be better to stick it out and see what happens. I don't know. Insight, anyone?

[Nate]

Originally Posted by anonymousposter

I don't want certain aspects of my life that I am going to reveal here being publicly known and tied to me by this community. I do consider myself to be a Christian, though I do engage in some practices that tend to be frowned upon by the church, the most relevant to this situation being my sex life

Dude, that's the least of your problems.

We do have a healthy sex life. I find her mostly physically attractive. She does have a few issues with a skin condition she had been battling since before we met, but I can look past that since it isn't permanent.

None of that has a lot to do with your sex life. A healthy sex life grows out of a healthy relationship. You don't have one (I'd argue that a healthy sex life grows out of a healthy marital relationship, but that's neither here nor there since you haven't passed the first word--"healthy"--yet). You're putting the cart before the horse.

We have mostly similar tastes in music; I can look past the fact that she doesn't like certain songs that I consider to be among the top 10 greatest songs every written.

This has absolutely nothing to do with anything. I'm a musician, too. My wife can't stand half of the music I love to listen to. Who cares?

She seems a bit needy sometimes. I tell her sometimes that I don't need her to call me every day, or that I don't want to run out of things to talk about, but she still calls or gets sad if I don't call her sometimes. She is very used to relationships that are not long distance, so the fact that she can't see me every day is hard on her.

If you were talking about getting married before you realized that you've have to spend time with her everyday, you once again put the cart before the horse. What if you did get married to her? You'd have to "call her every day," in a new kind of way (i.e. being physically and emotionally present).

If it seems "needy" to you that she wants that kind of attention, you're nowhere near being ready to discuss marriage.

She seems jealous sometimes of my band. She knows that as a musician with the need to create, I can't live without my method of creative expression, but even though I'm happy with her, I'd eventually be fine without her, and if I was forced to pick between the two, I'd have to choose music. Before you go knocking this attitude, most of those musicians that you love that tour all the time, Christian or not, have that same attitude.

Bull☺☺☺☺. Plenty of musicians would give it up in a heartbeat for their wives.

If you really would pick music over her, then do so and don't keep leading her on. It's disrespectful, especially if you've considered marrying her.

She also doesn't know how to take my sense of humor sometimes. I have both a self-deprecating and sarcastic sense of humor, with a splash of complete randomness. She doesn't always get it and sometimes gets upset by my jokes, even when they aren't jokes pointed at her.

She is also horrible at video games. This probably shouldn't be a deciding factor, but I play a LOT of games and would very much like to be able to play some with her, but she can't even figure out Super Mario Brothers no matter how many times I explain it (how hard is it to hold B to run and roll your thumb over to A to jump while continuing to hold B?).

She won't play guitar with me because even though she's been playing longer than me, I'm "so much better than her that she feels intimidated." No matter how much I tell her that the best way to improve is to play with other people no matter their skill level, or that I'd really love to be able to make music with her because it would make me very happy, she won't do it.

Seems like these three things are symptoms of something else, you're expecting her to enjoy everything you do and in the same way that you do.

I've played plenty of video games. I couldn't understand your "explanation" of Super Mario. You're trying too hard to make her enjoy everything at your level. She may not want to improve on the guitar, and may be happy just strumming along with you instead of you trying to show her new things (which you didn't mention, but I bet you're doing).

She doesn't have to get your sense of humor. It should be more important to you that you're upsetting her than that she gets your jokes.

Those being my two favorite things to do, it really leaves us with very generic things to do together. We have the option of sitting on the couch watching TV or a movie (not always what I want to do), playing a board game (I do enjoy board games, but not all the time, and she can't figure out all the ones that I particularly enjoy), or having sex, which we sometimes end up doing three or four times a day when we're visiting each other for lack of anything better to do.

Regardless of your views on premarital sex, nobody in their right mind would classify sex 3-4 times a day out of boredom as a "healthy sex life".

What are the things she likes to do? I don't think you've mentioned any yet. It seems like you're just expecting the kind of guy-movie girlfriend that is there to ☺☺☺☺ when you need her, joins in on your "me time," and otherwise lets you do what you want to do without getting in the way. Everything you've posted gives off that impression.

I have been feeling lately as though not only have we been drifting apart, but that we don't have enough in common to really have a lasting relationship. I also have the feeling that when I do start touring, she won't be able to handle the added distance and the inability to see each other until the tour was over. We're both under a lot of stress lately due to money, and its putting a strain on our relationship because it does affect our ability to see each other.

I do love her, but I don't know if I love her as a potential mate more than I love her as a friend. I would very much value her friendship if we were just friends. She's a sweet girl who is fun to talk to and hang out with. I'm just starting to think that we're both looking for something different and keep telling ourselves that things will get better because we can't tell if we're really looking for something different or if its just stress getting in the way.

I don't know what it is exactly you're looking for, but I doubt she's looking for the type of guy you seem to be. For her sake, don't add to her "bad luck" with men.

Can anyone help me sort out my thoughts? Am I falling out of love with her? Should we break up and just be friends so we can both move on and find what we're looking for? It seems pretty clear to me that that is what should be done after typing this, but I don't want to make a hasty decision. It might be better to stick it out and see what happens. I don't know. Insight, anyone?

Well, you're not going to find what you're looking for, so my insight would either be to change what it is you're looking for or to just accept the fact that this is the life you've chosen.

[BillSPrestonEsq]

Originally Posted by anonymousposter

I am a member of these forums, and I think I'm pretty well known, but I'd prefer to remain anonymous for this posting for two reasons. One being I don't want her to stumble upon it and get the wrong impression when I haven't made up my mind yet, and the other being I don't want certain aspects of my life that I am going to reveal here being publicly known and tied to me by this community. I do consider myself to be a Christian, though I do engage in some practices that tend to be frowned upon by the church, the most relevant to this situation being my sex life, which will be discussed, though not in very much detail. I'd appreciate any negative comments towards my choices in life be left out of this thread. Some other details that may be pertinent would be the fact that I am a musician seeking to perform and tour as a career, and that I am an avid PC and old school console gamer.

Your sex life is actually highly relevant to this discussion. Not in detail but there are areas in which your sinful decision here has messed up this scenario.

Lets start with the basics. We're about to hit our seven month anniversary. This is the most serious relationship I've been in. This is technically a long distance relationship, as we do live about an hour and a half apart. We see each other weekly. When I was more poor, she came to see me most of the time, but now that I'm a little bit better off we switch off, though she still pays for most of everything. I try to pay for her when I can, or at the very least for myself (unless she forces me to let her pay for me, which happens), but as I've been out of work and unable to land myself a new job due to the job market in my area being non-existent, she helps me out a lot. She likes to bring me random presents, such as toilet paper (she does use most of mine, though, anyway), toothpaste, deodorant, shampoo, etc. Generally stuff that I need but can't really afford to go out and buy in place of food a lot of the time. She is a very caring person, and I really have no idea why she's had such bad luck with men in the past.

Sounds like a good girl who cares about you.

Now for more positives. We do have a healthy sex life. I find her mostly physically attractive. She does have a few issues with a skin condition she had been battling since before we met, but I can look past that since it isn't permanent. We have mostly similar tastes in music; I can look past the fact that she doesn't like certain songs that I consider to be among the top 10 greatest songs every written.

My wife occasionally likes a band or 2 I like. That has nothing to do with anything. In 6 months your opinions of which songs are/were important will likely change, as will hers. And if a musician agrees with you on one of the top 10 songs ever written, thats more consensus than most.

Really though the thing about a skin issue makes me want to puke. You say, you can look past that since it isn't permanent. Do you give a crap at all about this girl? What if issues were permanent. Personally, my wife knows that if she struggled with an issue permanently I'd be there by her side. Period. WOuldn't you want to know that she would do the same for you? Thats what marriage is about in a very real sense.

Now for the negatives. We've discussed moving in together and marriage, though that has gone down considerably to the point where we both know we're not ready for either of those things. Those most recent conversations gave me the impression that she was having doubts about me, and the fact that they switched to that after being so sure about me supports that theory at least partially. She seems a bit needy sometimes. I tell her sometimes that I don't need her to call me every day, or that I don't want to run out of things to talk about, but she still calls or gets sad if I don't call her sometimes. She is very used to relationships that are not long distance, so the fact that she can't see me every day is hard on her. She gets disappointed when I'm in the middle of something with friends and can't talk to her at the moment. I used to be all lovey-dovey myself. Now I need my space sometimes. She seems jealous sometimes of my band. She knows that as a musician with the need to create, I can't live without my method of creative expression, but even though I'm happy with her, I'd eventually be fine without her, and if I was forced to pick between the two, I'd have to choose music. Before you go knocking this attitude, most of those musicians that you love that tour all the time, Christian or not, have that same attitude. She also doesn't know how to take my sense of humor sometimes. I have both a self-deprecating and sarcastic sense of humor, with a splash of complete randomness. She doesn't always get it and sometimes gets upset by my jokes, even when they aren't jokes pointed at her.

Here is where I think the premarital sex comes in. You do not appear to be emotionally mature enough for sex or a relationship. What you are describing here is pure selfishness. You don't need a call everyday, so she is bad for calling you. Have you ever thought she might love you and need you, and that calling every day was a sign of health in the relationship, more than the sex?

When you choose music over people it shows very clearly that you do not have a mature grasp of what matters in life. You are choosing what makes you happy, as a master deciding factor here, and as long as you do that, you will not have any sort of actually healthy relationship. Relationships are about give and take, but always you have to focus on giving and sacrifice.

The problem here with the sex in your relationship is that you have the benefits of marriage in a sense without the responsibilities, which is why it is just flat out wise to behave as a Christian. (Adultery is listed as something a true believer does not live in, so frankly you are not living as a believer) The matter also comes up that the oaths of marriage and the self sacrifice are intended to draw a couple together and sex seals them even closer, but in essence, you having sex before marriage is enabling you to be sealed into a life of perpetual selfishness and childishness.

Nobody will ever get all your jokes or everything about you. My wife gets more and more of my humor every year, but still not all. Thats the danger of having an offbeat sense of humor.

She is also horrible at video games. This probably shouldn't be a deciding factor, but I play a LOT of games and would very much like to be able to play some with her, but she can't even figure out Super Mario Brothers no matter how many times I explain it (how hard is it to hold B to run and roll your thumb over to A to jump while continuing to hold B?). She won't play guitar with me because even though she's been playing longer than me, I'm "so much better than her that she feels intimidated." No matter how much I tell her that the best way to improve is to play with other people no matter their skill level, or that I'd really love to be able to make music with her because it would make me very happy, she won't do it. Those being my two favorite things to do, it really leaves us with very generic things to do together. We have the option of sitting on the couch watching TV or a movie (not always what I want to do), playing a board game (I do enjoy board games, but not all the time, and she can't figure out all the ones that I particularly enjoy), or having sex, which we sometimes end up doing three or four times a day when we're visiting each other for lack of anything better to do.

Once again the sex comes up as a destructive force in the premarital relationship in that it prevents you two from actually getting to know each other.

The video games are childish. Seriously, if you are going to let your own childishness ruin your relationship, break up with this girl and continue to live in 5th grade emotionally. I notice what you like to do, but never once have you mentioned what she likes to do. My wife will not play music with me for the same reasons, and you know what... ...it really, really doesn't matter.

I have been feeling lately as though not only have we been drifting apart, but that we don't have enough in common to really have a lasting relationship. I also have the feeling that when I do start touring, she won't be able to handle the added distance and the inability to see each other until the tour was over. We're both under a lot of stress lately due to money, and its putting a strain on our relationship because it does affect our ability to see each other.

I don't think from your post that money has much to do with it. You sound extraordinarily immature to me and it sounds as if you are looking for a girl who will have sex with you, always get you, be your bandmate and love videogames. You are the emotional 5th grader looking for a fantasy girl, and thats just immature. You want all the benefits, none of the sacrifice, and until you grow up and act like a man, your relationships will be doomed before they start. Learn the meaning of the words self-sacrifice, and love before you do this to other girls.

In a lot of senses you know how she has had such bad luck with men, because you are behaving as a selfish man, who is going to just be more "bad luck" unless you change.

I do love her, but I don't know if I love her as a potential mate more than I love her as a friend. I would very much value her friendship if we were just friends. She's a sweet girl who is fun to talk to and hang out with. I'm just starting to think that we're both looking for something different and keep telling ourselves that things will get better because we can't tell if we're really looking for something different or if its just stress getting in the way.

Can anyone help me sort out my thoughts? Am I falling out of love with her? Should we break up and just be friends so we can both move on and find what we're looking for? It seems pretty clear to me that that is what should be done after typing this, but I don't want to make a hasty decision. It might be better to stick it out and see what happens. I don't know. Insight, anyone?

I think you think you love her, but do not have a clue what that word really means.

[jthomas1600]

I'll keep this simple. You seem to be too selfish to be in a healthy relationship. Your post is all about you -- your music, your video games, your sexual satisfaction. Until you learn to give a little all your relationships will end up right where this one is. Just my 2 cents, nothing personnel, in fact this is something we probably all need to work on.

[slap_j]

Originally Posted by anonymousposter

...the other being I don't want certain aspects of my life that I am going to reveal here being publicly known and tied to me by this community.

I understand this, but I want to say that everyone else is screwed up too even if they don't put it out there. That doesn't mean it's "OK" but it does mean that as far as battles go it's a real son of a bitch until you die. The locus of motivation to keep going is our hope in Christ (the good news). These are good guys and they've said some good things. As difficult as it may be I know that if I can get up and fight every day then anyone can. Pray about it, medititate on it, whatever...and then go kick some ass.

/pep talk

[MtlMom]

She seems like a very nice girl. I have a lot more advice for her than I do for you.

I think the guys have covered the advice to you very well.

[Rainer.]

I could write a longer response here, but I think I'll keep this short. It sounds to me like she needs you, and you're not really ready to give up enough of yourself to provide that to her. You also sound frustrated like she's not taking enough of an interest in who you are either (though I would tend to agree with the others here; the issues with music and gaming you brought up are very superficial). In a relationship you have to sacrifice; if you don't want to sacrifice, then the relationship can become a negative influence very quickly.

I guess my question for you, and don't take this the wrong way, is are you willing to man up enough to set this relationship on the right track, or are you not capable of that at this point? Be honest with yourself, and the answer might be the former, and it might be the latter. The important thing is that you act in her best interest.

I have a bit more to say if you want to talk about it. You know how to get a hold of me . I am praying for you.

[Thrash]

So let me get this straight... some of the extremely important factors in a relationship working (according to the OP) are these:
the female enjoys video games
the female excells at video games
the female will enjoy same music
the female will play music with
the female will stay out of the way unless wanted
the female will understand the males humor

So, without these working love is not present?
I agree w/most everyone else, especially Bill: You have a very immature understanding of love.

btw, my girlfriend of over 2 1/2 years is not good at video games, is not good at guitar, doesn't always get my humor, is an introvert in many ways, and desires to be called frequently. I love her, and while sometimes I can get annoyed I continue to move and respect her.

[Jeffrey]

I hate to suggest violating the sanctity of anonymous posting, but I hope this person isn't a mod here. Premarital sex is not simply "frowned upon by the church," it is condemned by Scripture.

You need to stop this relationship, immediately. If you are not in love with her, and your ability to take advantage of her sexually while compiling all these minor gripes is a testament to that, you need to stop this sexual relationship before a child is born (no protection is foolproof) to two people who cannot control their urges and are drawn to unhealthy relationships.

I wish I knew the young lady so I could counsel her to leave you, immediately.

I am sorry if this does not sound soft or accommodating, but my heart broke reading your post.

"I'd appreciate any negative comments towards my choices in life be left out of this thread."

That's a request that I think you have no right making on a Christian website. Sorry. If you're going to confess to a sexual relationship that even by secular standards is unhealthy, and then tell us your girlfriend who you don't like is buying you hygiene necessities (I know you want to be a musician, but tell me you've at least applied to McDonald's to correct your joblessness), you're stacking the conversation to say that we can't comment on you.

"You" are very relevant to this issue. You need to break up with this young lady immediately. You clearly don't have a sacrificial love for her, so why prolong the relationship? The only reasons would be selfish ones, like the fact she provides for some of your financial needs and allows you a sexual outlet. Each day you put off breaking up with her, the more hurt she will be.

[slap_j]

Just something for everyone to think about from the sixth chapter of Galatians (emphasis added):

Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness.

[Presence76]

Originally Posted by slap_j

Just something for everyone to think about from the sixth chapter of Galatians (emphasis added):

Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness.

Very true. However. as I read it, I thought most were responding in love. I think part of the reason it doesn't sound gentle is because of the subject matter. This is the "salt of the earth"

[natedawg5280]

What would be the benefit of getting married? Also the title of this thread is laughable.

[Folk_guy]

I could really get into a lot of detail here, and go on for pages: The bottom line is I don't think you are ready for a committed relationship yet. You owe it to your girlfriend to be honest with her tell her how you feel, and let her move on to someone who is ready.

[slap_j]

Originally Posted by Presence76

Very true. However. as I read it, I thought most were responding in love. I think part of the reason it doesn't sound gentle is because of the subject matter. This is the "salt of the earth"

I'm not accusing anyone of anything because it's hard to discern the intended tone from bare text. But yes, it is very true, which is why I posted it.

[poorprince87]

She knows that as a musician with the need to create, I can't live without my method of creative expression,

I want you to carefully define your "method of creative expression," and explain to yourself why you can't live without it. Out loud.

but even though I'm happy with her, I'd eventually be fine without her, and if I was forced to pick between the two, I'd have to choose music.

Why do we have music?

Before you go knocking this attitude, most of those musicians that you love that tour all the time, Christian or not, have that same attitude.

Even if most musicians loved their music/career more than they loved their significant others, how would this make the attitude okay? When did we start going to people to define what is morally acceptable?

John 21:21-22

So Peter seeing him said to Jesus, "Lord, and what about this man?"

Jesus said to him, "If I want him to remain until I come, what is that to you? You follow Me!"

I love you, brother. These folks are saying this stuff because they care about you. Let yourself listen.