[poorprince87]

...retracted...

[guitarczar]

Likewise, I'm not gonna go too in-depth on my comments, though I don't have the excuse of a job. Just that it's 3:45 in the AM. I have to say, I enjoyed this poem, and maybe because it takes the opposite approach of my last one. There's not much in the way of allusions, and the language isn't too complex, but it flows beautifully, it's eloquence is in it's simple language (which, though basic, is fresh).

Originally Posted by poorprince87

The young field of wheat
that is your still younger hair
Touches my face
Like an invisible breeze
(in this way
a companion to the Holy Spirit)

I'm not gonna comment much on this stanza now, except to say that your lines are pristine, especially the "wheat" ones--the images evoke seem delicate, perhaps because there is the feminine touch in the second line. Also, I gotta say, I love your parenthetical aside. It fits logically, of course, but you're cadence here: "in this way, a companion to" is just great. I don't know what it is about it that I like so much, but you definitely picked an amiable chord in this reader's ear.

Originally Posted by poorprince87

I am the resolute waterfall.
In such proximity to a precipice
the stream that falls
may think itself lost
And a noble sacrifice
for some greater good.

This stanza is interesting, especially the spacial imagery: at first, I was wondering about how the "proximity to a precipice" affected a "resolute waterfall"--because, by definition, a waterfall would hurl down the precipice. But I picked back up with you the fear that the stream would feel--and I like your musing about being a "noble sacrifice", as is if it's worth it. I think perhaps I may have been confused with whether the stream was more a stream or waterfall in this stanza, especially considering the third stanza, but I think I get it now. Yes, I think I was verbose for nothing. Waterfall or not, there still has to be some misgivings about how you spend your power. I see that now--makes sense.

Originally Posted by poorprince87

But in the time it takes
to acknowledge and brace and make
the terrible leap from
whispering, rolling stream to
roaring, screaming wake
You stop me.

Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful. This should be the stanza I comment on the most, but I'm basically left speechless. What a beautiful flow of lines--it just keeps building and building--much like the action you're depicting in it. Bravo. The use of internal rhymes and sort-of stop-motion verbs is quite stunning.

Originally Posted by poorprince87

In that continuous,
Now immobile flow.

Still "continuous, now immobile flow"--a wonderful paradox--it reminds me of T.S. Eliot's musings on time in "Burnt Norton."

Originally Posted by poorprince87

And let me know,
“You are saved for our sake,
And our children will know
how peace is made.”

The last stanza is a nice conclusion of the second, and even the first it seems (as if the speaker could be both God and a woman). It's a gentle end to all the nervous energy you've been building. One thing I would say, and I hate that I'm always telling you how to word your lines, but maybe, with the last line, consider: "that peace was made here." I don't know why, but I like the idea of saying that peace isn't made only abstractly, but concretely, specifically at the waterfall, at the steaming pools where you fall, and onto the river carrying your further (ha--I just inserted the river--I guess it's the scientist in me--wants that evaporation cycle.

Actually, on second thought, the closing line is quite good. Perhaps just consider my suggestion as a fallback.

Oh, and one other thing, on punctuation. I noticed some times you capitalized some of the lines that followed right after the comma. Of course, it's your prerogative, but I'm curious as to why you did so. I think (and I maybe be wrong) that the general rule is to capitalize after periods or at the beginning of a stanza.

[poorprince87]

It fits logically, of course, but you're cadence here: "in this way, a companion to" is just great. I don't know what it is about it that I like so much, but you definitely picked an amiable chord in this reader's ear.

Glad to hear it. I'm a fan of the straightforward. I thoroughly enjoy a dry, tongue-in-cheek sense of humor.

Waterfall or not, there still has to be some misgivings about how you spend your power. I see that now--makes sense.

Right. The reservation of the stream and the fall of the...waterfall are connected.

What a beautiful flow of lines--it just keeps building and building--much like the action you're depicting in it. Bravo. The use of internal rhymes and sort-of stop-motion verbs is quite stunning.

You're kind. I didn't set out for that effect, but I loved it when it got on my paper.

Still "continuous, now immobile flow"--a wonderful paradox--it reminds me of T.S. Eliot's musings on time in "Burnt Norton."

I should read that.

The last stanza is a nice conclusion of the second, and even the first it seems (as if the speaker could be both God and a woman). It's a gentle end to all the nervous energy you've been building.

This is the most romantic poem I've written thus far. And I'm glad you feel it could be God or a woman. Without raising too many eyebrows, I would comment that Scripture does call us the spouse of God.

Although, when I wrote this, I was thinking of a woman I've yet to meet (and may never meet). Hence, truly romantic (find a pun here if you wish).

One thing I would say, and I hate that I'm always telling you how to word your lines,

Not at all. Your insight is appreciated.

but maybe, with the last line, consider: "that peace was made here." I don't know why, but I like the idea of saying that peace isn't made only abstractly, but concretely, specifically at the waterfall, at the steaming pools where you fall

At the place I am in my life, I spend a lot (probably too much) time thinking about the family I will have one day. This (connected with about a dozen other metaphysical and metaemotional - yeah, I said it - influences) helped shape the direction of the peace being towards the children of the masculine fall and the feminine breeze.

Oh, and one other thing, on punctuation. I noticed some times you capitalized some of the lines that followed right after the comma. Of course, it's your prerogative, but I'm curious as to why you did so.

This could largely be due to shades of my past OCD, but I'm in a stage of transition regarding my punctuation. I chose to use capitalization as emphasis on certain lines, rather than punctuation.

[guitarczar]

Originally Posted by poorprince87

This could largely be due to shades of my past OCD, but I'm in a stage of transition regarding my punctuation. I chose to use capitalization as emphasis on certain lines, rather than punctuation.

That's an interesting idea. I'm somewhat wary of punctuating outside of the boundaries of grammar, proper, for two reasons (although that doesn't mean I necessarily dissuasive of your usage here). One, because I think that punctuation functions as the vocal chords of written speech--whether it's an emdash, colon, or semi-colon, or a more stylistic device such as short sentences or highly-colorful/image-based language. When someone uses ALL CAPS to imply that their shouting or even italics (sometimes) to emphasize a word, I feel that it cheapens the written art--that's because writing takes on a different form than speaking. You can't vary the pitch of a phrase by bolding or underlining it--you have to change the structure, or repeat it, or vary the syntax. My other (and less hotly contested) reason is one of sheer practicality. If you're sending verse out to a general public that more or less follows the standard rules of grammar and punctuation, then you have to write in the same medium if you want to be understood in the way you've intended. Of course, it's hard enough to convey your meaning even if you follow rules, but it's harder still when the reader has to guess what you're doing with a particular s p a c i n g effect or strange
construction of
phrases.

I guess that's what poets like E.E. Cummings and others did, but I think you have to be careful when employing those devices--namely, because they aren't really a device yet, not yet an established form, so you're taking a gamble that the reader knows exactly what you're thinking (which, by God, can that ever happen?). So take for example your capitalization. For those who aren't familiar with how poetry should be punctuated, they probably wouldn't even blink an eye (and let's face it--that's probably everyone who reads poetry with a stilted cadence). But for those of us who assume the poet is being very intentional with their use of punctuation, it will leave them wondering--or at least curious--which is what it left me with, and why I posed the question. I suppose you could indicate in a footnote that you employ a non-standard use of punctuation, but then again, when you have to tell the reader how to read your poem, that kind of takes away from the whole effect. So there you have it--we are limited in the form that we can write in, and even then, the reader can still bungle it up--a double quandary.

But...I don't know that there's one person who can claim authority on the proper use of language, and I'm certainly not that person. It's already a free-for-all in the arena of poetry (just pick up some modern verse), so really, the fact that you're spelling is consistent and you're not just vomiting random images already sets you leagues in front of the rest.

Edit: Though from one OCD to another, I'd hate to do anything to ruin your compulsions. Curious capitalization is hardly a crime, and who knows, you may just engender something great that the rest of us we'll have to do every time (three times per stanza) we write a poem.

[poorprince87]

Originally Posted by guitarczar

One, because I think that punctuation functions as the vocal chords of written speech--whether it's an emdash, colon, or semi-colon, or a more stylistic device such as short sentences or highly-colorful/image-based language.

Agreed. Periods are a part of written English, just like letters. It does, however, make them all the.
More useful when manipulated.

Originally Posted by guitarczar

If you're sending verse out to a general public that more or less follows the standard rules of grammar and punctuation, then you have to write in the same medium if you want to be understood in the way you've intended.

Maybe I've read too much Nietzsche, but I hope I never write anything the general public completely understands.

I understand your meaning, though. If you want to communicate, you have to use a medium. But communication can happen on several levels, with very specific purposes, aimed at very specific audiences. I believe some poets may (have) actually get (gotten) a kick out of watching the masses scratch their craniums. Not that I would make that kind of pretentious condescension the purpose of my poetry, just that I know it can make it fun for some. i.e. Eliot's footnotes to Wasteland.

I've started reading Faulkner's The Sound and the Fury. There's a challenge to basic syntax and/or punctuation for us to consider.

Originally Posted by guitarczar

But for those of us who assume the poet is being very intentional with their use of punctuation, it will leave them wondering--or at least curious--which is what it left me with, and why I posed the question.

Exactly. I aim to pique the curiosity of the inquisitive.

Originally Posted by guitarczar

But...I don't know that there's one person who can claim authority on the proper use of language, and I'm certainly not that person.

Language is a beast. I'm afraid it leads us more than we lead it. Any modern student of Old English would understand this better than most.

[poorprince87]

Originally Posted by guitarczar

Curious capitalization is hardly a crime, and who knows, you may just engender something great that the rest of us we'll have to do every time (three times per stanza) we write a poem.

Haha, good eye. I didn't even realize I was rationing them out like that.

[andrew5201]

Good poem, I bet he's like an english major in college or something, I don't know, just a guess. 0.o