[poorprince87]

Fence

The grass is always greener
On the far side of existence;
Far off sea mist is bliss,
Pushing against the glass, peasants
Lick their sugar-saturated lips.

Holy prophet grits worn teeth after,
Gaps of Chaos in Phaethon's steps;
The pilgrim found while falling down
shaggy sides, inversion is kept
Dear in our minds, An odd crown
For a ghostly, indifferent kingdom.

(I invoke the power of the mysterious abbreviation: RC)

[guitarczar]

You know, I enjoyed this poem just for your lines and images before I realized it had a discernible rhyme scheme. abcbc abdbdd (or "e" on the last one--a loose "d" otherwise). I might be getting it wrong--it's late and my apparatus of analysis isn't always in pristine condition--but anyway, a few comments.

Originally Posted by poorprince87

Far off sea mist is bliss,

I think "far off sea mist" would read better as "far off, sea mist is bliss." Otherwise, it sounds like a poly-hyphenated word (that's not a word, I guess I just mean it seems like a lot of modifiers for one image). Plus, I think the cadence is nicer with a comma.

Originally Posted by poorprince87

Pushing against the glass, peasants
Lick their sugar-saturated lips.

Here, I'm wondering why the imagery of the glass panes. Not that I think it is bad--I think it's quite good--but I'm wondering if this is a separate image from the previous lines, or if they are self-contained in the first stanza. I guess my point is, when the setting is established last, it's not bad, but it sort of takes the reader by surprise. "Oh, their viewing the illusion of existence behind a glass wall? Really!" (not that anyone would talk like that). I'm not saying you have to change it, but it's effect should be taken into consideration.

Originally Posted by poorprince87

Holy prophet grits worn teeth after,
Gaps of Chaos in Phaethon's steps;
The pilgrim found while falling down
shaggy sides, inversion is kept
Dear in our minds, An odd crown
For a ghostly, indifferent kingdom.

I must say I enjoyed this stanza--actually--your whole poem is quite enjoyable. I can definitely tell a marked increase in your writing capabilities since I first saw you posting on here--not to say that your progress is recent, you've probably been maturing for quite some time, but I think you're starting to hit your stride here. I wonder if you think that too.

Anyway, here, I like the allusion to Phaethon, who I wasn't familiar with till I consulted electronic resources (a la Jeffrey). I'm wondering though, what "shaggy sides" evoke. I imagine you picked the adjective "shaggy" for a particular purpose--and I, like the child asking a magician how his tricks work--am curious. Also, the last two lines. I guess I would know if I knew the Phaethon myth more cogently, but I kinda skimmed it (the laziness and late hour, I guess), and I'd be interested to hear what you say.

That's all. Bravo, good show--keep them coming.

[poorprince87]

Originally Posted by guitarczar

I think "far off sea mist" would read better as "far off, sea mist is bliss." Otherwise, it sounds like a poly-hyphenated word (that's not a word, I guess I just mean it seems like a lot of modifiers for one image). Plus, I think the cadence is nicer with a comma.

Good call. I agree.

Here, I'm wondering why the imagery of the glass panes. Not that I think it is bad--I think it's quite good--but I'm wondering if this is a separate image from the previous lines, or if they are self-contained in the first stanza.

I wanted to continue that idea of longing for something that seems to be blocked off from us at the moment; like children looking in the windows of a candy store, but their lips are already covered with sugar. Their yearning is contradictory.

I wasn't aiming for us vs. the illusion of reality here, but (perhaps poorly) more how we view and treat this reality vs. the great "after-reality" or ideal reality or whatever you want to call it (for some, it's Ubermensch, for others Heaven).

I can definitely tell a marked increase in your writing capabilities since I first saw you posting on here--not to say that your progress is recent, you've probably been maturing for quite some time, but I think you're starting to hit your stride here. I wonder if you think that too.

Yeah, as probably anyone in almost any occupation of life would say, my earlier stuff makes me cringe.

I'm getting closer to where I want to be, but I'm not really sure what I want to be. Quite the disadvantage.

Regardless, I may not hit my stride until I'm about 4 million years deep into eternity. Then again, a thousand years are a day, etc.

I'm wondering though, what "shaggy sides" evoke. I imagine you picked the adjective "shaggy" for a particular purpose--and I, like the child asking a magician how his tricks work--am curious.

That's cool that you used the "magician's trick" analogy. I've often thought of poets and their poetry in the same way.

"Shaggy sides": Canto XXXIV, line 73 (Inferno)

Regarding Phaethon, I'm working out of Ovid's version of the story (which I'm assuming is the tale as it's widely known). He was a kid that wasn't happy with his present reality, and was determined to bend the divine to his will. It nearly destroyed our cosmos. That's really the primary reason I use the allusion.

Happy Sunday!

[guitarczar]

Originally Posted by poorprince87

"Shaggy sides": Canto XXXIV, line 73 (Inferno)

Regarding Phaethon, I'm working out of Ovid's version of the story (which I'm assuming is the tale as it's widely known). He was a kid that wasn't happy with his present reality, and was determined to bend the divine to his will. It nearly destroyed our cosmos. That's really the primary reason I use the allusion.

Happy Sunday!

I'll have to check out that reference. I haven't read the Inferno for two years, but I loved it, every single terza rhima. It's lovely when spoken in Italian.

I haven't read Ovid's version either, but I have his Metamorphoses. Is it in that?

[poorprince87]

Originally Posted by guitarczar

I'll have to check out that reference. I haven't read the Inferno for two years, but I loved it, every single terza rhima. It's lovely when spoken in Italian.

Everything is lovely when spoken in Italian.

Originally Posted by guitarczar

I haven't read Ovid's version either, but I have his Metamorphoses. Is it in that?

Yeah. Book II.