[hastetheday]

I got these from my uncle.....enjoy, more to come.....

Things Got Ya Down? Well Then, Consider These . . .

In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed,
on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am, regardless of their medical condition..
This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the
supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred
around 11:00 am Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to
investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes
before 11:00 am all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward
to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were
holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the
evil spirits. Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time
Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he
could use the vacuum cleaner.

Still Having a Bad Day????

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in
Alaska was $80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved
animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onl
ookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

Still think you are having a Bad Day????

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically,
almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist
towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current,
she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up
to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

Are Ya OK Now? - No?

Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a
slaughterhouse in Bonn , Germany . Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke
loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two helpless
protesters were trampled to death.

What?!? STILL having a Bad Day????

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb.
It came back with 'Return to Sender' stamped on it. Forgetting it was
the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits. God is Good!

There now, Feeling Better?

2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you

get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:

"Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."

--Author Unknown


3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so?

There's a support group for that.

It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."

--Drew Carey


4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's

not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into

doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night,

drop them off at the wrong house."

--Jeff Foxworthy


5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball

and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the

infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base."

--Dave Barry


6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and

we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend

wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice.

There should be severance pay, the day before they leave

you, they should have to find you a temp."

--Bob Ettinger


7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took

her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said,

'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"

--Paula Poundstone


8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have

better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the

authors of that study: "Duh."

--Conan O'Brien


9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm

halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....

I could be eating a slow learner."

--Lynda Montgomery


10) "I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of

people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime

and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough.

Let's go west.'"

--Richard Jeni


11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the

impersonators would be dead."

--Johnny Carson


12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."

--Paul Rodriguez


13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida ,

but they turned sixty and that's the law."

--Jerry Seinfeld


14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in

case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line

from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that?

What, do tall people burn slower?"

--Warren Hutcherson


15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many.

Monogamy is the same."

--Oscar Wilde


16) "Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a

member of Congress.. But I repeat myself."

--Mark Twain


17) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student.

At least they can find Afghanistan ."

--A. Whitney Brown


18) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog,

and the dog will give you a look that says,

'My God, you're right!

I never would've thought of that!'"

--Dave Barry


19) Do you know why they call it "PMS"?

Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken.

--Unknown, presumed deceased


20) "Everybody's got to believe in something.

I believe I'll have another beer."

- W. C. Fields

And lastly: Why in Heck should I have to Press "1" for English?

Gentle Lessons of Life

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
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A penny saved is obviously the result of a government oversight.
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The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
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The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
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The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a new replacement for it.
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He who hesitates is probably doing the right thing.
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Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are ' XL.'
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If you think there is some good in everybody, you obviously haven't met 'everybody'.
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If you can smile when things go wrong, you must have someone else in mind to blame.
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The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so that he can tell when he's 'really' in trouble.
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There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
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Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs.'
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Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
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The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
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Some people try to turn back their life's odometers. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long, long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
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When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
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You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
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One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
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Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
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First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It's even worse when you forget to pull it down.
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Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf
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Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth...AMEN..!!

VERY GOOD....TAKE THE TIME TO READ THIS ONE !
'Let me explain the problem science has with religion.' The atheist professor of philosophy pauses before his class and then asks one of his new students to stand.
'You're a Christian, aren't you, son?'

'Yes sir,' the student says.

'So you believe in God?'

'Absolutely.'

'Is God good?'

'Sure! God's good.'

'Is God all-powerful? Can God do anything?'

'Yes.'

'Are you good or evil?'

'The Bible says I'm evil.'

The professor grins knowingly. 'Aha! The Bible!'

He considers for a moment, 'Here's one for you. Let's say there's a sick person over here and you can cure him. You can do it. Would you help him? Would you try?'

'Yes sir, I would.'

'So you're good!'

'I wouldn't say that.'

'But why not say that? You'd help a sick ! and m aimed person if you could. Most of us would if we could. But God doesn't.'

The student does not answer, so the professor continues.

'He doesn't, does he? My brother was a Christian who died of cancer, even though he prayed to Jesus to heal him. How is this Jesus good? Hmmm? Can you answer that one?'

The student remains silent.

'No, you can't, can you?' the professor says. He takes a sip of water from a glass on his desk to give the student time to relax.

'Let's start again, young fella. Is God good?'

'Er...yes,' the student says.

'Is Satan good?'

The student doesn't hesitate on this one, 'No.'

'Then where does Satan come from?'

The student falters, 'From God.'

'That's right. God made Satan, didn't he? Tell me, son. Is there evil in this world?'

'Yes, sir...'

'Evil's everywhere, isn't it? And God did make everything, correct?'

'Yes.'

'So who created evil?' The professor cont! inued , 'If God created everything, then God created evil, since evil exists, and according to the principle that our works define who we are, then God is evil.'

Again, the student has no answer.

'Is there sickness? Immorality? Hatred? Ugliness? All these terrible things, do they exist in this world?'

The student squirms on his feet. 'Yes.'

'So who created them?'

The student does not answer again, so the professor repeats his question, 'Who created them?'

There is still no answer.... Suddenly the lecturer breaks away to pace in front of the classroom. The class is mesmerized.

'Tell me,' he continues onto another student. 'Do you believe in Jesus Christ, son?'

The student's voice betrays him and cracks. 'Yes, professor, I do.'

The old man stops pacing, 'Science says you have five senses you use to identify and observe the world around you. Have you ever seen Jesus?'

'No sir. I've never seen Him.'

'Have you e! ver f elt your Jesus, tasted your Jesus or smelt your Jesus? Have you ever had any sensory perception of Jesus Christ, or God for that matter?'

'No, sir, I'm afraid I haven't.'

'Yet you still believe in him?'

'Yes.'

'According to the rules of empirical, testable, demonstrable protocol, science says your God doesn't exist. What do you say to that, son?'

'Nothing,' the student replies. 'I only have my faith.'

'Yes, faith,' the professor repeats. 'And that is the problem science has with God. There is no evidence, only faith.'

The student stands quietly for a moment, before asking a question of His own. 'Professor, is there such thing as heat?'

'Yes,' the professor replies. 'There's heat.'

'And is there such a thing as cold?'

'Yes, son, there's cold too.'

'No sir, there isn't..'

The professor turns to face the student, obviously interested. The room suddenly becomes very quiet.

The student begins to explain...

'You can have lots of heat, even more heat, super-heat, mega-heat, unlimited heat, white heat, a little heat or no heat, but we don't have anything called 'cold'. We can hit up to 458 degrees below zero, which is no heat, but we can't go any further after that. There is no such thing as cold; otherwise we would be able to go colder than the lowest -458 degrees.'

'Everybody or object is susceptible to study when it has or transmits energy, and heat is what makes a body or matter have or transmit energy. Absolute zero (-458 F) is the total absence of heat. You see, sir, cold is only a word we use to describe the absence of heat. We cannot measure cold. Heat we can measure in thermal units because heat is energy. Cold is not the opposite of heat, sir, just the absence of it.'

Silence across the room. A pen drops somewhere in the classroom, sounding like a hammer.

'What about darkness, professor. Is there such a thing as darkness?'

'Yes! ,' th e professor replies without hesitation. 'What is night if it isn't darkness?'

'You're wrong again, sir. Darkness is not something; it is the absence of something. You can have low light, normal light, bright light, flashing light, but if you have no light constantly you have nothing and its called darkness, isn't it? That's the meaning we use to define the word. In reality, darkness isn't. If it were, you would be able to make darkness darker, wouldn't you?'

The professor begins to smile at the student in front of him. This will be a good semester. 'So what point are you making, young man?'

'Yes, professor. My point is, your philosophical premise is flawed to start with, and so your conclusion must also be flawed.'

The professor's face cannot hide his surprise this time, 'Flawed? Can you explain how?'

'You are working on the premise of duality,' the student explains...

'You argue that there is life and then there's death; a good God an! d a b ad God. You are viewing the concept of God as something finite, something we can measure. Sir, science can't even explain a thought.'


'It uses electricity and magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully understood either one. To view death as the opposite of life is to be ignorant of the fact that death cannot exist as a substantive thing. Death is not the opposite of life, just the absence of it...'

'Now tell me, professor. Do you teach your students that they evolved from a monkey?'

'If you are referring to the natural evolutionary process, young man, yes, of course I do.'

'Have you ever observed evolution with your own eyes, sir?'

The professor begins to shake his head, still smiling, as he realizes where the argument is going. A very good semester, indeed.

'Sience no one has ever observed the process of evolution at work and cannot even prove that this process is an on-going endeavor, are you not teaching your opinion, sir? Are you now not a scientist, but a preacher?'

The class is in uproar. The student remains silent until the commotion has subsided.

'To continue the point you were making earlier to the other student, let me give you an example of what I mean.' The student looks around the room, 'Is there anyone in the class who has ever seen the professor's brain?' The class breaks out into laughter.

'Is there anyone here who has ever heard the professor's brain, felt the professor's brain, touched or smelt the professor's brain? No one appears to have done so. So, according to the established rules of empirical, stable, demonstrable protocol, science says that you have no brain, with all due respect, sir.'

'So if science says you have no brain, how can we trust your lectures, sir?'

Now the room is s! ilent . The professor just stares at the student, his face unreadable. Finally, after what seems an eternity, the old man answers, 'I guess you'll have to take them on faith.'

'Now, you accept that there is faith, and, in fact, faith exists with life,' the student continues, 'Now, sir, is there such a thing as evil?'

Now uncertain, the professor responds, 'Of course, there is. We see it everyday. It is in the daily example of man's inhumanity to man. It is in the multitude of crime and violence everywhere in the world. These manifestations are nothing else but evil.'

To this the student replied, 'Evil does not exist sir, or at least it does not exist unto itself. Evil is simply the absence of God. It is just like darkness and cold, a word that man has created to describe the absence of God. God did not create evil. Evil is the result of vhat happens when man does not have God's love present in his heart. It's like the cold that comes when there is no heat or th! e dark ness that comes when there is no light.'

The professor sat down.
PS: The student was Albert Einstein.